Thoughts and observations from the region-wide holiday known as ‘Opening Day’.

I am genuinely afraid to mention the weather at this point, because I have a deeply rooted fear any good weather stretches in St. Louis are immediately followed by the wrath of Mother Nature. But holy hell, that’s the kind of day you order up off a menu. Many fans got a wicked head start on their farmer’s tan for the summer- sans the people that took their shirts off in Busch Stadium.  Class, St. Louis. Class.

If you went to Shannon’s, Al’s or any of the other 10 bars surrounding Busch Stadium after the game and were able to get a beer- you should be receiving a medal from Mayor Slay in the mail this week. By my estimation (also confirmed on Facebook) it looks like each place had one bartender for every 1750 potential patrons. I’m no Mr. Wizzard, but that seems like a formula for ‘missed $$$’ and sure enough we were in a cab to a less crowded bar within 10 minutes of trying to navigate Paddy-O’s.

Pictures!

• The best shirt we saw all day: LINK HERE
• The Cardinal Cowboy showed up… in a helicopter: LINK HERE
• The Cardinal Cowboy then tries selling t-shirts for charity: LINK HERE
• Even crappy cell phone cameras get good shots on Opening Day: LINK HERE
• Let’s let the pros take over from here, Scott Rovak, everyone: LINK HERE

Big Mac received a huge ovation from the Busch Stadium crowd. The guy was busting the biggest smile you’ve ever seen and you could tell he was genuinely a new guy with a new lease on life riding that truck into the stadium. Tim McKernan believes that the McGwire reception was less than genuine on the part of many in the stadium. I agree with his thesis in principal, but I also believe that everyone was slightly buzzed, in a good mood, and we would have cheered for Carlos Brito if he would have been trotted around the warning track.

On second thought, I guess not. Damn InBev!

Albert Pujols was Albert Pujols and gave everyone that over-spent for their ticket their money’s worth. 25 years from now when AP is gone, I think one of his enduring legacies will be his uncanny ability to make ‘marquee games’ in the baseball season into actual marquee games by doing something memorable. When there is a record to be set, a title to be clinched or a moment on the calendar to mark- Albert Pujols comes through. Another reason he might be cracking the 300 million dollar barrier very, very soon.

Between the booze and the main scoreboard on the fritz, I about had a stroke induced. Perhaps the Busch Stadium people checked the scoreboard before Opening Day, perhaps they didn’t. But 4 years into what I’d assume to be a six figure investment is a little soon for that thing to be fried for 6 innings. If you were trying to check an out of town score, you probably had a bad acid flashback. Actually, that’s a pretty good selling point. Nevermind.

St. Louis is a much better town to live in during baseball season. People come downtown. The vibe is upbeat. The whole city does a 180. In fact, if the Cardinals weren’t here, we’d be no different than Billings or Des Moines. And that’s not a compliment.

Bo S from Denver checks in with this e-mail: "So i'm sure you've noticed, but the cardinals have not been to a world series in an odd-numbered decade since the 30s.  the 50s, 70s, and 90s were not kind decades to us.  I always had this in mind throughout the 00's and somehow I knew we'd win a series in that decade.  But now that we're entering the 10s, I hope we aren't destined by futility.  For a team with 17 NL pennants, it does seem kind of odd that we haven't been to a world series in an odd numbered decade in 76 years (1943).  I'm not going to go so far as to call this a curse, because all cards fans know how truly miserable a cursed franchise can be.  This is just a fluke, if you asked me, but I do think it's relevant to take note of the cycles this organization goes through.  Let's hope this decade is the start of breaking that cycle and winning consistently." Couldn't agree more, Bo.

Today is a holiday in St. Louis: Opening Day (home) and it couldn’t come soon enough to wash the bitter taste of another blown bullpen effort by the Cardinals… The Cardinals are 4-0, the bullpen is 0-2. I don’t think they deserve to be considered on the same team… Baseball Digest was kind enough to let me write some silly words about Opening Day in St. Louis, and they’ve published them LINK HERE… The third option would be to do nothing at all. I’m not sure booing or cheering Tiger is appropriate at this point. I think silence would have been more appropriate. But people are sheep and a few suck-asses clap, so more suck-asses clap and sure enough Tiger is getting roaring ovations on every hole. Really? You know he loathes you, the fan, and consumer of Us Weekly more than he hates his situation, right? Brilliant golfer, worthy of your indifference… David Freese better get his shit together real quick. When you build a rotation on the pitchers pitching to contact and to getting ground balls, you simply can’t boot away balls on the infield… A while back, I did a slideshow for Bleacher Report describing the scene by Busch Stadium on Opening Day.  You can read it LINK HERE… Cards Diaspora will be down at the stadium late this morning and afternoon for the annual ‘Big Ass Picture Show’ that we’ll slap up here later tonight. So look out for that… The 3-man ESPN booth so far has been quite the disaster. I like Jon Miller and Joe Morgan, for whatever reason, is easy for me to ignore and doesn’t bother me nearly as much as most people. But adding in Orel Hershiser has made the whole thing stilted and awkward.  We’ll give them a few more weeks, but the trouble is, you don’t see flashes of a great booth for the MLB marquee game of the week. And that’s a shame… The scary part? Albert’s swing looks off still. He’s been striking out at nearly triple his career pace and is getting fooled by good change ups. In the next couple of weeks as he gets into a groove watch out. I mean, he did have 2 HR’s last night, so unless you watch this guy everyday it’s hard to even believe that last sentence… Chris Carpenter has been rocked since October 7 2009 when he took the L in Los Angeles against the Dodgers in the playoffs. He got the opening day win in Cincinnati, but gave up 2 HR’s. Last night was a disaster. Bad end and start? Start of trouble we’re not aware of yet?... Allergies can suck my balls… Have a big time today kids…

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16 mistresses. SIXTEEN! But the dude still can blow up the Masters.

Over the course of my life I’ve known some pretty skeevy men. Hell, I’m still friends with most of them. But having the energy to juggle SIXTEEN women AND a wife AND kids oh, AND be the best professional athlete on the planet by far? That’s just absurd.

I mean would this guy be the most interesting psych case of all time? Is he better at compartmentalizing than anyone, ever? How in the world is he still with his wife? Was he ever close to getting caught? How do your work so damn well when you're so consumed with dirty texting? How tough is it for him to not be getting laid after a 4 under at Agusta? These are just a few of the questions we need anwsers to.

In fact, I’ve got an idea.

Let’s isolate Tiger and Russell from Survivor in a poon-free zone somewhere in Maine, make them like a duel President with authority over everything and just solve America once and for all. I mean we’re wasting the two greatest minds of this generation on golf and Survivor? That doesn’t seem productive AT ALL.

Howard Stern did make a good point yesterday when he said: "Unless you're as good at what you do as Tiger is, DO NOT take any tips from him on how to treat a women. You will not get laid, you will get thrown in jail." He's right. The guy is a freak.

READ ABOUT THE CARDINALS AND JASON MOTTE AT INSIDESTL.com

Speaking celebrity sex, who do you guys think the next guy to get put up on the holy troika of philanderers will be?

My guess?  Lin Yu Chun

And IIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiieeeeeeIIIIIIIIiiiii will always love the liiiiiiinnkkkkssss…

• What could possibly be the best WTF video of all time. LINK HERE
• Impress your friends tonight with an easy candle trick. LINK HERE (HT: JH)
• Interesting look at a stock image and what it can mean for your company. LINK HERE
• Have we blasted Cleveland in a while? LINK HERE
• Man loses girl. Man sets up mugging to come in and save day and get girl back? LINK HERE
• Is it wrong of me to still want to party with her? LINK HERE
• Since we're talking about Tiger- very lengthy New York Mag article about his affairs. LINK HERE (HT: CL)

THE NICE SECTION: (Yes, we're ripping off Bernie now. Yes, we have a soul.)

+ Old friend Bill Ivie got a new job. To go with his old job. LINK HERE

+ The boys over at Redbird Report wanted us to pass along a link to their podcast that debuts today. If you're into Cards talk, it should be a good time. LINK HERE

+ Regular reader and good person Julie Sax asked if we'd put up her donation page for Girls on the Run. If you're looking for a charity to give a few bucks to in anticipation of a weekend of breaking all the social standards of human decency, do it here. LINK HERE

+ If you're on the East side this Saturday evening or don't mind heading to the East side (Edwardsville, not Sauget, BTW), then may I suggest the Taste of Edwardsville. LINK HERE

Have a solid weekend, everyone. And if you see Jim Edmonds- tell him he owes me money.

I took in a little college baseball action last night at Busch, as Mizzou faced off in a heated battle with Illinois. The Tigers won 7-4 in a non-ping game (which makes college baseball seem pointless).

Actually at one point Mizzou was down 4-1, but my friends and I ended up missing an inning and a half while waiting in line at one of the concession stands, all while the Tigers took the lead 5-4 by scoring both times they came to the plate. Yes, 1.5 innings, and this was a full three-hour game so it's not like the teams were going 3 up/3 down in a Carpenter/Lincecum-esque duel.

Now you might ask why the hell we stood in line for so long. Sure, we could have moved on and tried to find supreme nachos somewhere else, but we were mostly BS'ing in line until about 10 minutes passed by and we finally realized the problem:

CARDS CASH (see the exciting video of Dan McBeeflin and Kip Dynamite for all the details).

Yeah, the new idea that the Cardinals will no doubt make a huge profit off of this season, slowed us down in line tremendously.

Back story: everyone buying a $15 ticket to the game last night received $5 in Cards Cash. It was a pretty obvious attempt to work out the kinks of this new system, which is fine. But assuming people are using this at all, they've got about four days to figure it out.

It mostly had to do with the slow, confused guy taking orders as he turned what should be a simple system of 1) telling me what the price is, 2) scanning ticket, 3) removing $5 from the price and 4) taking the rest of the money from my hand - into a mega clusterfuck. But it's not like the other lines were zipping through either, so my conclusion is to continue using my plastic money at ballgames.

This was probably the worst example ever, as everyone in line had $5 to burn, while only a small minority of 45,000 fans at a normal game will be using Cards Cash. But it could have run a lot smoother; maybe just 25 minutes instead of 30?

Other notes and maintenance crap to look forward to when the stadium opens for realz next week:

-The Arch is still cut into the outfield grass. I believe Danny Mac and Al mentioned this on the air already, but it's been confirmed.

-The All Star Game billboard in left-center is still there, kind of. It looks like they tried scraping it off or something, but about 75% of the ad is still there.

-The "G" in BIG MAC Land is out.

-There are a couple spots in the park missing advertisements, so if you've got maybe 20 bucks and want to make a last minute pitch to the Cardinals, give them a call.

-The spongetech.com advertising era is over.

-Having maybe 2000 people in the stands at Busch (while a game was going on) felt really weird. It had the feel of a mid-June Royals game, but with better players on the field.

-There was a new design to the radar gun readings in the LF and RF upper deck boards. They post the MPH in larger numbers (and certain colors indicate faster pitches! I know, that's so crazy!).

-We didn't see any new concession items, but not all stands were open. Plus there wasn't a huge crowd, so they just stuck to the basics.

-You guys and girls with a better memory than me can call me an idiot if I'm wrong, but I believe there is a new design for the out of town scoreboard, as seen in this twitpic. I want to say they were tinkering with a 1-9 inning scoreboard at the end of last year, but maybe I was having an awesome Busch Stadium scoreboard dream again. Either way, they now show four games at once, with hitter/batter match-up, if players are on base, and an inning-by-inning scoreboard. There were no Win/Loss/Save records at the end of any games though.

-Ballpark Village was completed Wednesday morning and everything is up and running, but I couldn't decide on going to Chili's or Applebee's. No wait, that was a softball field and parking lot I was looking at. My mistake.

Many people have approached me over the years and asked why don’t I ever do concert reviews.

Ok, nobody has actually asked me that- but I’m sure they’re thinking it. So to placate the unwashed masses that want to see The Hooksmonster take on music critiquing, I’ve created my first masterpiece.

On Daughtry. The biggest rockstar in the US under 50. And if you don’t believe in the power of American Idol after last night, then you, sir, are no American and will never be worthy of the idolatry of anyone.

READ THE DAUGHTRY REVIEW HERE

Most of you readers are too lazy to ever post a comment, but if anyone has some constructive criticism or downright flame throwing to get off their chest, please feel free to put them here or there.

And thanks for reading. Seriously. You’re the best.

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For whatever reason, the boys over @ Bloguin asked this silly little site to participate in their weekly MLB Power Rankings.

Basically it's an opportunity to make pithy comments and randomly put numbers next to the Royals and Pirates to see who the majority thinks sucks more. Each week HMW (Consider this the first you've heard of this. I'm too lazy to e-mail or Tweet) or I will be filling out this form and posting a link here when they publish it.

Some people enjoy the hell out of these things. Other people think it's fabricated garbage. We get it.

But if you want to take a peek:

MLB Power Rankings Week 1

Hell, I think they're even trying to find a sponsor for this thing. And you wonder how these guys get on these 'power poll' thing-y's? Babble long enough and someone will give you a shot.

Also, I think I'm starting to like Dancing with the Stars. Dammit.

The first rule of MLB Club?

Don't talk about MLB Club. The second rule?

Don't pitch to Jose Alberto Pujols. Never. Ever. Not once. Just don't do it. You're going to lose. Why the fuck are you pitching to Pujols. WHY?

(Watch #5 jerk 2 HR's out of Great American Ballpark LINK HERE)

Now as a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals, feel free to disobey this rule. But after 6 months of doing whatever he does in the off-season (Sudoku? midget wrasslin'? porn?), Dusty Baker and his coaching staff gave Cincinnati a nice welcome back present... a steaming pile of idiocracy.

And you'd think that a monster dong to left center might shake Mr. Baker's core belief that his over-hyped pitching staff was actually better than Albert.

But it didn't.

And Albert got a head start on the Triple Crown talk. Usually we've got to wait for May 1st to start that.

It's amusing to me that Pujols, now several seasons into his career, still gets tested. Even in his first at bat of the year. I asked earlier- but why? Why try it? What are you trying to prove. The guy is not human. He's going to take you down. Pardon the wild hyperbole, but would you be surprised if the Reds started off 0-6 and lost the season before it even got started? I wouldn't.

Eventually (most likely in Milwaukee) the manager of the team in the other dugout will let Holliday, Ludwick and Rasmus do the heavy lifting. But as long as we've got Dusty in the division and a bandbox in Ohio- Albert's power numbers will wain nary.

Other Notes:

+ Colby Rasmus: Off to a great 1 game start. If he continues his trajectory into a borderline All-Star in 2010, this Cardinals team is scary good. I mean scary.

+ Skip Shumaker: Not a good spring. A terrible opener. He's pressing. And making outs. The one thing you CAN'T do in the 1 hole is make outs. Anything but outs has to be the attitude. 11 runs while the table setter wears the collar? Welcome back Big Mac!

+ How awesome was it in AP's AB after hitting his second home run, when he hit a foul ball and a lady wearing a Pujols jersey caught it behind home plate and got lustily booed. Trust me Reds fans- it's fun having Albert Pujols on your team.

+ Chris Carpenter: Not spectacular. Not bad. If the Cards get wins with average starts, then 100 for the season should be the goal.

+ Jason Motte & Ryan Franklin: Let's try not to freak out after one game. But AHHHHHHHH! Both guys were very, very shaky to put it nicely.

+ Yadier Molina: Guy comes back from a 2 week layoff and catches a long game and hits his first grand slam as a pro. Not bad for a Monday, eh?

+ Tony LaRussa: Putting Rasmus in the 5 hole and getting a huge game from the 2nd year pro is why he manages the Cardinals and we sit in the stands and bitch. I hated the line-up card and had a 'Is Ludwick the most disrespected former All-Star ever?' story in my head ready to work out. Then we get that game. LaRussa.

Check above for the winner of the 2nd Annual BS Detector NCAA Bracket Challenge...

Cards Diaspora challenged you to share your brackets for all to see and mock. And you responded.

We had a record amount of entrants for the 2nd Annual BS Detector Bracket Challenge and I'm happy to announce the winner is... Saxi Taxi

Saxi Taxi, the Duke lover, will recieve:

• 1 Month Unlimited Tanning @ the Tan Company
• 1 haircut from James Mitchell Salon
• 1 $10 Gift Card from Papa John's for a large pie- any way you want it
• 1 Nioxin gift bag with varied things that women like (and possibly some men)

And all of it will be in the mail later today. Congratulations to everyone on embarassing yourselves just like we figured you would.

One shining moment, anyone?

We are not jerking your johnson... It's OPENING DAY!

This afternoon your St. Louis Cardinals will take the field against the Cincinnati Doormats and start the long grind for a NL Central championship. Walt Jocketty is still a Cardinal fan, I'm convinced. Obviously he can't admit it and obviously he hates Bill DeWitt's guts... but deep down he's rooting against the team he put together because he knows how much it means in St. Louis.

In Cincinnati, they're more concerned with things like gag balls, meth and unfortunately timed pregnancies. So a baseball game here or there is more of a nuisance than the dawning of summer.

If you want some beefy Bleacher Report goodness about what will take place in STL next Moday, check out this article: LINK HERE

If you want to see how dead on I was about who you needed to be watching in Spring Training to see how accurate I can be when spewing this shit out, check out this one: LINK HERE

Since we're all here and we're all queer, let's toss out some predictions for 2010 that are sure to miss the mark.

• Team Wins: 94
• HR's: Albert Pujols (42)
• Wins: Adam Wainwright (20)
• Hits: Matt Holliday (217)
• RBI's: Matt Holliday (121)
• Steals: Brendan Ryan (15)
• Walks: Skip Shumaker (77)
• John Goodman Game Apperances: 2
• Rainouts: 4
• TLR Ejections: 4
• ERA: Chris Carpenter (2.48)
• Saves: Ryan Franklin (25)
• K's: Brad Penny (140)
• Team BA RISP: .289
• NL MVP: Matt Holliday
• NL Cy Young: Adam Wainwright
• Games you'll be at: 9
  

So there you go. Expect Matt Holliday to start out in an epic slump. And a monsoon in May.

I'll be honest and say that if the Cardinals don't make the playoffs, 2010 is a massive failure. Face it- we can't crown their asses without playing a single inning... but this team is not constructed for moral victories. Please assume that all commentary on the CD this season will be shown through that prism. We're not looking to pull any punches here- the Cardinals should be good, if not great. They should be favored in 90% of the games they play. They should not win less than 90 games.

And so the story begins.

PS: It looks like Wilson went all in on their ad budget to get personalized neck protectors for umps this year. How'd you like to be in that marketing meeting?

You're too old to try that.

 

Not wanting to steal any thunder from Erika's excellent spring training re-cap and trip below, I opted not to post the Friday Links.

Hopefully you made your way over to InsideSTL for my regular Friday column, even though I didn't hotlink it here

HORSE HORMONES IN THE BUTTHOLE- TIME FOR OPENING DAY!

Since I'm sitting outside with nothing better to do, let's dick around on the Internet:

• There is such a thing as the most accurate business card thrower. LINK HERE
  
• Three invisible dicks will make the more liberal readers happy. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• Cub fans have started a page where they can list reasons to hate the Cubs. LINK HERE
• "Christ, what an asshole." It's the answer that Elaine was looking for. LINK HERE
• Couch airbag prank is great in slow-motion. LINK HERE (HT: JH)
• An illustrated guide on how to suck at Facebook. LINK HERE
• Teachers: You're lucky that this kid isn't in your class. LINK HERE (HT: JH)
• The birdman is a very talented and very, very odd man. LINK HERE
• I don't think that we can ever bitch about the cold weather again. LINK HERE
• Young Me / Now Me - Re-create pics from your past now. LINK HERE

And finally, a classic YouTube vid that surfaced today on Twitter featuring the late Jack Buck and Manager Herzog. Good stuff and a HT to @2xAught7 for RT'ing it.