I met a girl last night who once served a hot dog to Michael Jordan.

His Airness likes his tubed meat grilled and sans toppings such as relish, onion, mustard or ketchup. He does, however, like his bun warm. For whatever reason this conversation fascinated me to no end... but ended after I suggested she should have handed the dog to Scottie Pippen (also at this golf tournament) and asked him to apply the toppings for MJ.

She didn't get it. Probably thought I was pretty creepy.

ARE THE CARDINALS A GOOD TEAM?

Click on the link above for wild over-reaction and world-class evisceration. But having a half-day to stew on the Cardinals and their awful sweep at the hands of the Houston Astros it's clear that this team doesn't need much more than somebody to step up motivate.

Words, actions- It doesn't matter. But the leaders of this team seem very selfish at the moment. Nobody is angry. Nobody is trying to carry this team on it's back. Nobody seems particularly upset that one of the worst teams in the sport just came into their house and made them their bitches.

And that's not going to last. I hope.

Hell, it was 3 weeks ago when we were all bitching about the Cardinals relying on HR's for too much of their offense. Well- Ludwick, Pujols and Holliday have not gone yard since April.

APRIL!

So things can change quickly in baseball. And they can change violently. So as easy as it is to write pieces like the one above, with a good series in Cincinnati this weekend, the Cardinals will once again have the biggest division lead in baseball.

If they roll over and burp, though...

Let's look at some links:

• Either this school is incredibly ironic and cool or totally naive. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• Hippies crying over dead trees. Enough said. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• Who needs some fine art for the living room? LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• Watch this skier tomahawk into a sink hole. Wow. LINK HERE (HT: JH)
• We need to get the cops to arrest this guy for something ASAP. LINK HERE
• Read a whole chapter from Will Leitch's new book. LINK HERE
• Creepiest video ever? CREEPIEST video EVER! LINK HERE (HT: KA)
  

Have a weekend, people. A good weekend.

Quick question, Cardinals: just what in the fuck is going on out there?

So the Astros are pretty terrible. In fact, so terrible that their clean-up hitter chokes up on the bat regardless of the count. So terrible that their best player, Roy Oswalt has considered retirement in lieu of a 15-18 million dollar per year contract. So terrible that one scout was ask to comment on the talent level of this team and he pulled a brown sack out of his back pocket and vomited before handing it to reporters.

Summation: Houston Sucky.

So, obviously, we got Loshed all over our faces last night. And Brendan Ryan collected 2 more errors, threatening to become the only MLB player with more errors than hits through 30 games played. And Matt Holliday came up small in the clutch again.

The White Tie Affair… take it away!

You remember that time when two guys wearing "Cardinals Diaspora" shirts got really drunk at the ballgame and tossed some F-Bombs at your grandma for not standing up and helping start the wave in the second inning?

If that experience soured you on high-profile bloggers, this is your chance to meet someone a little more respected than us.

Tonight at Left Bank Books downtown, you'll be able to get up close and personal (no really, he won't mind) with one of the most famous Cardinal fans on the planet, Will Leitch. Okay, Leitch is a few notches below the Hollywood people (Goodman, Hamm, Jenna Fischer, etc), but - call me crazy - I'd comfortably put him a bit higher than J-Kwon.

Will is pimping his new book, Are We Winning (details here), and will be interviewed by the Big Dog himself, Bernie Miklasz.

Fun story: Will was here on Valentine's Day 2008 pimping his last book God Save the Fan, and was joined by about 15 hardcore/lonely dorks (including a few women). That's the end of the story; I guess it was more fun for me. Especially when I told him what blog I wrote for and he may or may not have faked knowing about my site.

I'd suggest checking it out, Leitch is pretty entertaining and knows his sports, especially Cardinal baseball. And if you're afraid that only smelly fat dudes will be in attendance, you're probably right. But I'll try to remember to shower this morning. We'll see.

Ed Note:

Cards Diaspora is filling a gap in coverage that we've had for some time. We've hired a person that wasn't born with a penis... that's right, an actual girl.

Seriously.

Judging by the reaction by some people to our 'Ogle Thy Enemy' series... this girl better be ready.

Hopefully you've noticed that our roster of writers is growing. HMW is contrbuiting on a regular basis now and FWC, while not exactly churning pieces out at a record clip, is helping form ideas and hopefully will get the urge to post more as the season wears on. But we're all idiot men. We needed to start to balance that out.

We will call her Trumbsy and you will like her. If you want to read some of what she's been working on in the past, visit THIS LINK

Yes. She lives in Chicago. Yes. She hates the Cubs.

Play nice and look forward to her on the site early and often.

1. I'm a Cardinals fan.  One might think this is redundant considering this is, in fact, a Cardinals blog.  However, I consider myself to be an unlikely baseball fan to begin with.  I've never been a softball player, never been considered a tomboy and by all accounts, have never had any discernable hand eye coordination or translatable athletic abilities.  My early childhood was spent doing all sorts of girly stuff that had no relation to sports, unless you count the time my sister and I “figure skated” on rollerblades in our garage. My interest in baseball was therefore rather unprecedented and probably didn’t really develop until after high school. However, this is not to say that the seeds hadn’t been planted, as several of my earliest childhood memories took place at the old Busch Stadium.  Now, a pilgrimage to St. Louis is a family tradition I'm happy to recognize annually.  It's often my favorite weekend of the summer, largely because my Dad acts like he won the lottery every time we’re there.

2.  I'm a girl and being a female sports fan has a handful of advantages. (Just ask Erin Andrews. Stalkers? Dancing with the Stars? LUCKY!!!)  The primary benefit for me is in business meetings when the conversation inevitably turns to how god awful the Cubs bullpen is or how Ozzie Guillen ate another infant child.  It's nice to be able to participate, rather than practice my kegels and think about Sex and the City, or whatever it is that Bob from legal assumes the womenfolk preoccupy themselves with during these discussions.  Plus, unlike the non-baseball gals at my company, I have clients take me to games sometimes, which I think we can all agree is a fantastic excuse to avoid doing real work.

3.  I live in Chicago.  I've been here for almost six years now and I love nearly everything about this city.  Yet every spring, I'm reminded of all the reasons why I sometimes want to bludgeon legions of my fellow Chicagoans to death with a tire iron.  Let’s just say that the "Cardinals take it in the Pujols" jokes don't get any funnier after the 967th time you've heard them.  Plus, it’s become obvious over the years that Cubbie fans don't know how to translate traffic signals or navigate crosswalks. It’s pandemonium around here on game days, which means GOOD LUCK to the rest of us civilians just trying to go about our daily business.  Granted, this isn't so much the fans' fault as it is the city planners who neglected to think of where Jerry McDickface from Schaumburg is supposed to park when they made the decision to plop Wrigley Field directly in the middle of a goddamn residential neighborhood, but still...the GALL!

4.  I detest the Cubs.  "This is the year", my ass.  Sweet holy mother of god, I could live another 20 lifetimes without hearing that phrase and it would still not be enough.  Are you people completely out of your minds?  You can't just go around throwing out aggressive predictions willy nilly like you're a goddamn fortune teller, especially after 101 straight years of being WRONG.  However, I swear every living soul on the Northside bleats this incessantly every spring as if it were A MATHEMATICAL CERTAINTY!  A Cubs World Series Championship does not apparently have to be based on what the team accomplishes in the regular and post season. Ohhhh, no, that shit is preordained! It’s WRITTEN IN THE STARS!!!!  Their blinding optimism both astounds and terrifies me.

5.  If I had to name my top five least favorite athletes, Carlos Zambrano would probably take all five spots.  See, he and I have just never really gotten along, which I attribute mostly to him being a big huge baby. Oh, the whining and complaining! What on earth are you bitching about NOW, Carlos? It’s always something with that guy. Now, you listen up, bucko!  You get paid a bazillion dollars a year to stand on a pile of dirt for a half hour every few days. Jerry McDickface from Schaumburg who gets paid $12 an hour to exterminate cockroaches for 40 hours a week does NOT feel sorry for you. And this is probably the one and only time I’m EVER going to agree with Jerry McDickface from Schaumburg.

All jokes aside, I’m thrilled to be able to contribute to the Cardinals Diaspora. I thank all of the guys here for the warm welcome and hope we can all make some beautiful memories together.

The Pirates Edition of Ogle Thy Enemy was an incredible success. Nearly 500 hits to that article...and 68 votes? What's wrong with you people? Don't pretend like you're above this behavior now; like you've matured overnight? Come on.

But thanks to those who did vote and comment. Now, the results:

Congrats to the blonde in the black tank and short jean shorts. Are they still called "jorts" on girls? More importantly, are they still called Daisy Dukes? I'm not that old, but I at least remember this masterpiece from the early 90s. Either way, she'll be receiving a plaque in the mail, along with a free tour of the Cards Diaspora downtown office, any night of her choosing.

And major major props to the six of you who gave the lady with no head more votes than the black girl. I don't put my forehead in the palm of my hand very often, but that did it; good job you guys.

Now on to this week's ladies of the Astros MLBShop.com store. And there are a shitload of them:

Black T-Shirt

Orange T-Shirt

Headless Vest Girl!

Black Tank #1

Black Tank #2

Black Tank #3 (The Pirates already traded her?)

Black Tank #4

V-Neck

Mysterious Bikini Girl

White Jersey

White Shirt

Now vote!

And what the hell - one more bonus pic. No voting for her, since she cheated. Wonderfully.

Sometimes the articles just write themselves...

Per the Animal Planet PR Guy:

"Thought you might be interested in today’s news that Cardinals’ manager Tony LaRussa will be appearing during the third season of Housecat Housecall (presented by Purina Cat Chow), a reality show that airs on Animal Planet. The show is similar to a “Supernanny for cats.” If you need more information, or photos from LaRussa’s episode, please let me know."

Yes, Mr. PR Guy. We are interested. So will you send us some pics?

Perfect. Looks like video is on the way...

You've got to hand it to TLR. He either has absolutely no concept of what the internet does or he loves kitty cats that much. Either way, good for him.

Oh, and that chick on the left? That's his daughter. She's on Twitter. Creep away: LINK HERE

Re-hashing a Pirates series is like remembering a funeral. Unless something mind-boggling went on, the event happened, everybody did what was expected and you move on. The Cardinals won 2 out of 3, the Bucs were a walking ad for Cymbalta and you don’t want to face Joe Mather in a case of Twister.

Move along. The meat grinder doesn’t stop.

Over the weekend, I try to take some notes on things I find interesting and then bring them to you- the beautiful people- on Monday morning. I use the phrase notes, loosely. Since it’s mostly what I can remember thinking would be a good note if I had something to write on. Or if someone wanted to pay me to mention something, that would work.

Whatever.

The point is, I think I thought I had some witty shit to say about Tiger’s neck, surprise party keggers where you don’t know anyone and a real live Buddha handing out fortune cookies at a charity auction for sick kids.

But then I found THIS.

And yes, you read that correctly. It’s a business whose business it is to sell you genital crabs so you can pour them on your ex-lovers bed and ‘exact revenge’.  They also encourage you “not to judge”.

When I first saw this- I was all AWESOME- finally that cheating wench will finally get her curmudgeons. You think you can break this guys heart and not get an STD inflicted on you? HA- much away little buddies. FEAST!

Then I was all like- wait a GD second. You mean to tell me that my roommate can order these too and dump them all over our house in a fit of drunken tomfoolery? This place is going to be condemned! Will these things eat the load bearing walls? Does Terminex even have a noxious spray for this!?

I’m so confused.

So I’m leaving it up to you, comment makers. Persuade me one way or another on the veracity of this company. And to make it worth your while, I’ll send you a vintage 1987 STL Cards bumper sticker if you push me to one side or the other.

ARGUE!

Our marketing department has informed Hooks and I that we have a ton of fans who are fellow creepy old dudes, but we haven't been catering to their demographic much lately.

So in order to meet the high standards that have been expected of you all, welcome to a new feature here at the CD - Ogle Thy Enemy.

Whenever the Cardinals start a new series, we'll simply go to that team's MLBshop.com site and post the pics of the models, modeling the team's clothing. This is a lot easier than me Googling "slutty Pirates fans," and Chris Hanson walking around the corner, into my living room - again.

Even better, you - yes you! - can vote for your favorite girl. And as always, if you have any comments, feel free to post them in the comments section below.

Black Tank & Jorts

Black Bedazzled Tank (Sofia Vergara Lite)

Headless "Plus Size" Lady

Black T-Shirt

Survivor has been pretty freaking awesome this season.

I’m not really sure why I’ve stuck by this show for so long, but in this latest installment, the loyalty has paid off in spades. Because every single episode turns out to be more jaw-dropping than the last one.

Plus, Russell, who may or may not be the devil incarnate, is just eating these people’s lunch. Daily.

THE CARDINALS ARE MUCH WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT

And even if you’re not the type of guy that likes to stare at chicks in bikini’s for an hour a week, you really can learn a lot from the social interaction of people and how, in general, you have no spine whatsoever.

Take your office. I bet it’s a nice office. I bet there are people there that you like or even see on the occasional weekend.  

But there is probably also a person that you work with that everybody hates. They do terrible work. They do things like buy a whole turkey at lunch and stuff it in the break room freezer until they get home, smashing everything already in its way.  You gossip and write demeaning e-mails about her. And you just want to know what in the hell it’s going to take for this person to get a clue and quit. Or get fired.

Well multiply that by 1000 and now you’ve got a ballpark of Russell. But just like your office- nobody’s got the cajones to say something to that annoying prick.

Because… well, because that’s how people are.

It makes no sense. Whatsoever. And as LD pointed out last night, it’s not like everybody wouldn’t have been on board with just forgetting alliances for one vote and everybody getting Russell off that island.

But no. No balls.

Pathetic.

Now, some links…

• F You Baltimore! The best commercial of all time? Yes. LINK HERE (HT: FWC) (NSFW audio)
• High speed footage of things blowing up. Cool. LINK HERE (HT: JH)
• Do not read this if you bought the first iPod. It will ruin your day. LINK HERE
• Only Fox News could do this story straight. LINK HERE
• Watch out what you have delivered to your office. A PSA. LINK HERE
• Remember the Toronto Raptors mascot? Here's a video of him biting it. LINK HERE

Please note: HWM has a new idea that is going to add at least 10 perverts to the site next week. Be on the lookout for that.

On Tuesday afternoon, I tweeted that "3 of 4 is happening." I won't be an ass and say that I didn't specify whether the Cardinals or Phillies would be winning the three games, but after Monday's performance by Jaime Garcia (I call him Silent J - you can too), I was pretty convinced the Cardinals would steamroll the Phillies this week. Despite their fans' best efforts to fuck everything up, there's not much more the Phils could have asked out of Hamels or Kendrick on Tuesday/Wednesday, and so it goes.

Even worse, eleventeen time Cy Young winner Roy Halladay takes the mound this afternoon against Lohse, looking to bury the Cardinals chances of getting their 19th win of the season. It's been three days stuck on 18? Fire. Sale!

I'll say this up front - I acknowledge the fact that Halladay is one of, if not the best pitchers in baseball today.

But he's getting blasted on today.

This isn't a team that will go into long hitting slumps, and two games with one total run won't happen too often this year. I also think today's game means a lot to the 2010 Cardinals. They won't say it in the media, but they'll want this one badly today (I would think/hope that they'd want to win every game, but over six months, some games mean more to them. Like at work - some days you try harder, some days you mail it in. It's human nature, even when you and your co-workers make $100 million).

So I'm saying the Cardinals put up a good six or seven runs today and leave Philly with two wins.

The one marginally bit of useful information I'll give you is that the Cards have only faced Halladay once in his career, back in 2005 up in Rogers Centre. That was a 4-1 Blue Jay win, led by a complete game five-hitter by Roy. The lone bright spot was a solo bomb by none other than John "Yeah, I wear jorts and '97 Oakley's, Fuck You" Mabry. So this revenge is a long time coming, right? Hellz yeah it is.

Or I might just be tossing bold predictions out on the internet, assuming you'll forget them by 5pm today.