“I’d play against these guys with one leg. We have to beat these guys. I hate the Cardinals. All they do is bitch and moan about everything, all of them; they’re little bitches, all of ‘em. I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs. Let me make this clear - I hate the Cardinals.”

Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati Reds (HT: Kev B/BR Mom)

Cardinal’s fans were enraged by this quote yesterday from the Reds second baseman. Reaction was pretty universal and it was harsh on B. Phillips.

I don’t blame anyone, either. When somebody calls a group of guys that you’ve got a vested interest in pack of bitches, it’s only natural to go on the defensive. Loyalty is a currency that the Cardinals trade in heavily; in some cases you could argue they abuse fans sense of it. This was a public slap across the face right before the biggest series of the year.

But let’s take a second to applaud Brandon Phillips in this space.

Sports, in general, have become more sanitary than a operating room in the past decade. Athletes have grown of age in a culture of evasive sound bites and flat out vanilla personality. Leagues have legislated out anything that could be considered ‘showing up the opposition’ while ESPN puts anyone willing to chastise an organization or player for any minor infraction on roughly 143 shows every single day.

So when you get a quote like this, I bet your FIRST reaction wasn’t rage… it was wonderment. Did Phillips actually say this? Is this from The Onion? Seriously, he said bitches?

Then you read it in the Dayton Daily News or The Post-Dispatch and got mad.

But Didn’t Brandon Phillips make it easier to root against the Reds? Didn’t he increase the fun in this series? Wasn’t that 7-3 beat down more satisfying? Could you wait until the reporters asked him about this quote after the game? I’d probably thought of Brandon Phillips maybe 4 minutes in my entire life. Now I’m actively rooting against the guy, booing through my TV set at him, hoping he embarrasses himself.

And, really, if we’re going to be honest, sports just aren’t as much fun when you can’t hate the other team.

We may say we want guys like Albert Pujols or Matt Holliday on our side, never saying anything disrespectful and always carefully calculating every syllabal of their life. And we DO want that… on OUR side.

But we also want Brandon Phillips too.

Here’s to Brandon Phillips, a true trailblazer. And a bitch.

It was so disorienting! The whole exercise made me feel unclean and confused and ashamed. Yet even though I was begrudgingly cheering for them to hold it together for a few days, the Cubs could not manage to win even one goddamn game.

What a complete waste! To get all lathered up in toxic energy for absolutely NOTHING was exhausting and ultimately pointless. The fact that they couldn’t stave off this pesky Cincinnati team and help the Cards gain or even just hold ground in the standings was absolutely INFURIATING.

Thanks a lot, assholes! If possible, this weekend made me hate the Scrubbies even more, which at this point probably defies basic mathematical principles. It’s remarkable, really.

Anyhow, my folks actually spent the weekend visiting me in Chicago, so I was at least surrounded by good company. We were able to act as our own dysfunctional little support group, which came in extra handy after Ryan Franklin’s meltdown on Saturday. (Seriously. What was THAT about?)

Additionally, we are prepping for our annual pilgrimage to St. Louis next weekend, which means that most of our conversations about the Cardinals concerned bracing ourselves for the worst. My dad’s parting words as he left town were, “hopefully the next time I see you we won’t be 10 games out of first place.”

So, yeah, along with a lot of other Redbird fans these days, we have become deliciously cynical. There’s no doubt in our minds that things are about to go cataclysmically and irreversibly wrong. We could probably all be treated for bipolar disorder.

Not to mention that after limping out of Florida, I can only imagine how fired up and inspired the Cardinals must be as they head into this series against Cincinnati. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE INJECT A FEW QUARTERS INTO THE MORALE METER? Yeesh.

Now, I know that team chemistry has been widely discussed lately and I tend to agree with the general criticism that things are just not quite right in that clubhouse. With the pedigree and talent splashed all over their roster, there’s no other excuse for the Birds to collectively exude as much energy and enthusiasm as a panda bear on morphine.

Unfortunately, I’m just not sure there’s a cure for it. Even ignoring the glaring defensive holes in the infield, streaky lineup and the clunky backend of the rotation, we could very likely be doomed to ride out the rest of the season coasting on fumes and blind luck. In other words, things are just PEACHY!

You know, it’s incredible how a team that’s two games out of first place can make one want to put a bag over their head, throw every television, radio and computer within a 90 mile radius over a cliff and ignore the rest of the season before we even get midway through August.

Ugh. Are we having fun yet?

August 9, 2010-

It’s hard to believe it’s come to this, actually.

The Reds were chic pick to do something in April. After all, they had a good stable of young arms and 2 legitimate bats with Joey Votto and Jay Bruce. Some forecasted a over .500 record, others were bolder and pegged them as a Wild Card contender. A brave few even hinted that they could challenge the Cardinals deep into the season for the NL Central crown.

No one thought they’d be up 2 games on August 9, 2010, primed to absolutely destroy the Cardinals season by Wednesday. It wasn’t possible. Maybe in 2011 or 2012, but in 2010- the Cardinals had too much NOT to win the division.

But here we are. Sitting on the precipice of disaster. Outside of Busch Stadium where the Cardinals have been an abomination. Waiting to see if the thoughts and hopes we had for this particular team will be validated or exposed as fraudulent optimism pegged on a group of men that are more than willing to take the money and not produce.

If it sounds like we’re making this out to be a bigger deal that it is- then you haven’t been watching this team. While their record tells us they’re one of the elite teams in MLB, their oft lethargic and uninspired play not only has infuriated fans, but put them ass deep in a blood fight for the playoffs.

Yes, the Cardinals can get swept and still win the division or win the Wild Card. No, they won’t cancel the season and start the playoffs immediately if the Birds lose 2 of 3.

That’s not the point.

We want to see some fucking nuts.

A message to Cincinatti that while their story has been cute and fun and warms the cockles of your heart- it’s over. Put the toys away, kids. Play time is over. We want to see 40K fans who are going to finally pack Great American Ballpark curse every last dollar they spent on scalped tickets and murmur curses under their breath, deflated.

It’s time to plant a flag in that wasteland of America known as Ohio. A flag with a big giant red bird flying high. The real red, not some cheap imitation.

Will the Cardinals wilt? Can the Reds prove their worth? Who wants this worse?

Answers starting at 6.

Finally.

How awful is a greasy keyboard.

You can't just wipe it off, either. Because that would require you actually shutting down programs... and is ANYTHING worse that just sitting at a computer waiting for all those bullshit programs you never use to load? No. There isn't. So you're stuck slipping and sliding all over the keyboard, getting your hands disgusting.

The Cardinals need to get disgusting on this road trip.

READ WHY MARK CUBAN SHOULD OWN THE CARDINALS on ISTL

READ RAMS ODDSMAKER ON KURT WARNERS DANCING on SB Nation STL

With 6 games against the Marlins and the Reds, the Cardinals have the opportunity to finally distance themselves in the NL Central. Florida was victim of a horrible call last night and with a proper beat down can be handled in 3 games. Heading to Ohio, the Cardinals will need to finally show some Moxi in what will be the biggest series of the year so far.

I'm not saying it's going to happen, I'm not going to say it's not going to happen.

What I'm saying is that it NEEDS to happen.

We've been waiting on this team to do something since April. And while 12 games over .500 is a wet dream in Pittsburgh or Baltimore this time of the season, for the Cardinals- it's kind of a disappointment.

But here it is- opportunity knocking once again.

I guess if I had to bet, they'll go 3-3 and end up 1 game out coming back home. So we'll have to go through this entire exercise again. The season that won't define itself continues. We'll continue to try and find creepy dads on the Internet that want to sell their kids give-a-ways.

Now, the Friday Links...

• This is how you make a pot house, people. LINK HERE
• Vote on the best Cardinal of All Time. LINK HERE
  
• I'm embarrassed it took me this long to figure out what was going on here. LINK HERE
• Now, this, my friends, is a woman. LINK HERE
• One of the best CL postings this year. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• The most disturbing movie posters of all time? LINK HERE
• Louis CK on technology. You old timers will appreciate this. LINK HERE

Have a big weekend kids. See you back here on Monday. If not sooner.

It was a nice hot Sunday afternoon at Busch. 43,000 came out to see Adam Wainwright mow down the Pirates. Dads throughout the stadium relished in the sweep by downing supreme nachos and getting shitfaced during an easy 9-1 victory. The only way to make the day complete? Race home and post their kids' Ozzie Smith Build-a-Bear giveaway on eBay.

Wait, no - that can't be right.

 Awwwww.

No, go ahead and laugh. You're cold and heartless just like me.

I guess since only about 9 listings appear on eBay right now, out of maybe five to ten thousand (an exact number was not given on the Cardinals website), it's not too big of a deal. But we like to point out the little things that make the "best fans" look like jerks, especially jerk parents.

Cards Diaspora is absolutely shameless.

We think we have standards, but in reality we don't. Not really at all. So when companies ask us to promote their products in return for some free samples and some more to give away, we usually say yes.

But this time the product is actually worth a shit! Go us!

You have a cell phone right? Of course you do. You're not a neanderthal. Chances are you've probably even got a nice one like an iPhone or BlackBerry or Andriod. You also probably like keeping that sucker safe and sound. Then you went to buy it a case and said what everybody says: 'Are you fucking kidding me? How much?'.

You probably also like sports if you're reading this blog. Maybe you're even a fan of the Cardinals. Hell, you probably got other teams you root for too.

So our friends over at Coveroo decided - hey, if we make reasonably priced cell phone cases and put officially licenced logos on them and made them look all cool and shit- we' could make money.

Good idea.

Check out Coveroo LINK HERE

And now we're going to give you the opportunity to win 2 of these cases. One for you and one for whoever the hell else you want. Mom, dad, wife, husband, concubine- whoever. You get to pick the case and the teams and Coveroo will send them right to your door.

Unless you still have a Razr. Then you can go right to hell.

All you have to do is guess the final score of the Cards/Houston game Wed night. That's it. That's the contest. Post your guess in the comments below before 7:15 on Wed night and if you're right or closest to being right, you win.

And if you don't happen to win? Buy one. Don't be cheap.

Cardinal fans are insane.

Oh, you want proof. We've got proof. Make sure to click the link to get the whole tune. And for those that have never lurked on to a message board before, this is sung to the tune of "American Pie". Also, God's Speed.

@2xAught7 of Tipping Pitchers passed along this gem today. LINK HERE

We've come to the end of the road.

The Bachelorette season final rumble of love is on. Chris, the good guy Vs Roberto, Satan's spawn. Or at least the guy I've got money against. We handicapped the odds for these guys winning earlier today, but now were' an hour away from the decision.

We've skipped past the family dates, since these guys know what they needed to do to win over mom and dad and both passed with flying colors. I'm not opposed to hiring actors to play the parents and just fucking with these guys for the hell of it. I mean, Chris and Roberto have been kissing Ali's ass for 8 weeks now. What's one afternoon with the parents? They don't have 1/8 of the BS detector that Ali's built up to this schmaltz at this point. They're roadkill.

Cut to 1 hour mark. All reactions are in real time...

1:02- "I love going on machines that go really fast." Ali, says.

1:05- Are we absolutely sure that Ali didn't get implants before the finale? If not, whoever made that pink bikini should not only be extraordinarily wealthy come next summer, but if there is justice in the world, awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom.

1:06- A torrential downpour ruins a picnic, but both Roberto and Ali agree that it's the most romantic moment of their lives. Fuck. Looks like Chris is all but on life support at this point. I've been on the beach when it rains. And it sucks. Hard. These two are in the zone... my 20 dollar bet on Chris to win? All but gone at this point.

1:10- "I've never met a man like him my whole life. That's how I describe you." Again, fuck.

1:12- Roberto busts out their first picture with a written poem on the back? The BIG GUNS! If Chris is watching this and wondering how he didn't win... I think this 5 minute stretch should make him feel better. You can't beat MJ in his prime. Chris is Byron Russel's ankle tonight.

1:16- We have an L Bomb. Ali's heart is exploding out of her chest. She loves Roberto. She's found everything she's ever wanted. Did I miss the final rose ceremony? Has it already happened?

1:20- NO DATE FOR CHRIS!? Are you kidding me? Hell Roberto is Jordan, Pujols, Ruth and Unitas all in one. She doesn't want to even leave Roberto? Roommate (also straight, PS) claims "she got a healthy hogging last night". So did my wallet, friend.

1:23- I've been here, this sounds like a dumping... CLICK READ MORE below for the rest

Skip this article completely if you don’t watch the Bachelorette or you are a repressed homosexual that can’t fathom a sporting blog would write a 1100 word expository on one the great television shows of our time and insticnticly feel the need to crack gay jokes at such a piece to feel comfortable knowing your hetero relationship is a sham on par with Don and Betty Draper nee whatever it is now.

Ali Fedotowsky.

Mark Zuckerberg.

One slept with two guys in 48 hours and was about to make it 3 in 72 before Frank begged off a TV show. The other (perhaps) created Facebook, a mildly popular social networking site. On the surface, these two shouldn’t have anything in common, but in reality TV all things are possible. And the richest man under 30 in America inadvertently turned Ms. Fedotowsky into America’s sweetheart by ruling his company with a Stalin-esque brutality when it comes to personal time.

Last year during filming for ‘The Bachelor’ Ali was one of the 25 women competing for the love of Jake, a strapping asexual man that has the personality of a garden spade. Ali auditioned for the show on a whim, made the final cut and decided to take her full 2 week allotment of vacation from her job to pursue this intriguing opportunity.

Her employer? Facebook.

Much to her and our surprise, Ali felt some level of attraction to Jake. And after 2 weeks on the show, she had to choose. Leave Facebook and gamble on love. Leave love and ride the social media monolith. She chose wisely, leaving the Bachelor pad to go back to work. Jake said he was crushed. Nobody believed that he liked women. Or men.

Then Ali got back to Facebook and realized that love rules all. So she quit and went back to the house. Sort of. Because Jake didn’t really let her back because of the whole not wanting to make love with anyone but instead save all his sperm for the fateful day when he needs to impregnate the entire US to save the world from an eminent disaster. I have no doubt Jake has thoughts like this. At the end of the day, Ali was out of love and out of a job.

ABC pulled her off the ledge and made her the Bachelorette. CLICK READ MORE below to read the rest  no comments

If Ludwick plays like he has and Westbrook pitches like he has, the Cardinals got jobbed. If Westbrook becomes a guy that goes 6-7 innings without giving up more than 4 runs a game, then the Cardinals probably got what they needed. Ludwick was one of the most popular Cardinals, if not the most popular Cardinal in the clubhouse, so this was an evaluation that Ludwick, while a good player, wasn’t worth more to the team than a cheap Jon Jay. They may be right. They may be miserably wrong (watching Ludwick do it all on SportsCenter last night didn’t help the latter) But it is why they get paid the big money to make those calls…

Movie Snot: “Youth In Revolt”. Please, somebody, anybody get Michael Cera a movie with a plot. Ostensibly, this movie is the anti-Super Bad. Cera, plays a high school virgin, awash in self-pity when he comes across the female version of movie Cera. They have witty and sharp dialogue that is, if not always amusing, well delivered and at least thoughtful. Cera is incredibly deft with his soft-voiced, acid-tongued delivery and in Youth In Revolt, the writers counted so much on this talent that they introduced a second, mustachioed Cera to carpet bomb us with pith.

But back to the main point- the plot was flimsier than the East St. Louis 9-1-1 response time. Without spending too much time exposing plot details, Cera’s character burns a trailer down, re-locates his dad’s job, sends a car over a cliff and poisons his love interests drink daily... to get laid. Once. All this is done in a non-hijinx manner where the action is expository to the plot. Meaning we’re to take these actions at face value as specific story touchstones that move Cera down the path of pussy. Ray Liota’s stretched canvas face also makes an appearance. The point is, the movie was OK. Better than probably 70% of the fare currently OnDemand. But Cera can’t play these bumbling high school neophytes forever, so someone needs to get cracking on a script that incorporates his obvious talents into a story that’s more satisfying than this. Or at least show some boobs. B-/C+…

The Cardinals have 13 more games against the Pirates this season. That is very good news…

Speaking of Pirates, Sam Bradford’s agents raped, pillaged and plundered the Rams for every spare dollar the franchise had lying around this weekend. Then flipped over the office couch cushions and took the change that fell out, too.  Bradford got roughly 7 million dollars more guaranteed money than 2009’s number one pick, Mary Stafford. And correct me if I’m wrong here, but doesn’t the economy stink still? Or are we good now and nobody told me? Good for Bradford, don’t fault the guy a bit for getting what he can.

But as a Rams fan, I have no idea if Bradford is the best QB of all time or the next Tim Couch. So putting everything on this guys shoulders is probably the most foolish thing the Rams could do. And that’s why it’s fucked up- because they HAD to do this. It’s the way the system is set up. And if Bradford busts, the Rams are SOOOO decimated for the next 10 years, it’ll give you chills thinking about it. The NFL is going to change this before 2011. And frankly, they need to. I’m scared to death for Bradford. And he made more money yesterday then everyone reading this site will make in their entire lives. Combined…

Jon Jay is no longer a ‘nice surprise’, he’s the starting right fielder. And a different set of expectations comes with that responsibility…