I'm pretty sure that people look at our banner on this site and say: "Wow. That's a nice banner. I bet they're really into the Cardinals and we can use them."

That's the only way I can explain why reputable baseball people ask me to spew shit all over their websites. I'm sure when they actually read what I've wrote- they're not happy, but have a deadline.

The latest folly? Around The Horn Baseball. They asked me if I wanted to take part in their "Great Baseball Debate" and when I accepted, they pitted me against Richard Dyer of TheGiantsCove.com to argue on who had the better pitching staff- the SF Giants or the STL Cards.

READ THE WHOLE DEBATE HERE

The whole thing is over 5,000 words and an fairly entertaining read. Please do me a solid and check it out when you have a spare 10-15 minutes to spend doing absolutely nothing.

I don't want to spoil it- but Richard kind of, sort of sold me on the Giants staff. I didn't realize how good their bullpen was until I was forced to crunch the numbers and defend Ryan Franklin and the boys.

However, Richard's stubborn refusal to use Chris Carpenter over Matt Cain in a game that would decide the fate of the world was annoying as fuck.

So for those of you who used to like RVB's "actual baseball analysis", this should give you a stiffy.

Then again, those people are almost certainly gone now and all you want is boobies and free crap.

MONSTERS!

Six.

It’s a serious number.

It’s been several months since the commercial campaign that wore out your will to live has been involved in your life.  But since baseball season is right around the corner, the boys and girls at Mobil on the Run need a new spot.

And here’s YOUR CHANCE to be in it.

Serious.

CLICK HERE for all the details, but basically, you need to show up at Busch Stadium tonight @8 and you can be a STAR!

If you somehow work CardsDiaspora.com into the spot somehow, I’ll give you a high five.

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"Dude, I totally had Ohio over Georgetown. I called that shit!"

Right.

You're the NCAA Nostradamus. At least that's what you keep telling anyone with an ear. But the trouble is, we don't believe a damn word that comes out of your mouth.

Sorry, it's the truth though. You've lied too many times.

So for the second straight year, Cards Diaspora has organized a bracket to keep your shit talking honest. All you have to do is enter your picks and we'll all see who's king kong around these parts.

FOLLOW THIS LINK TO SIGN UP YOUR BRACKET

It's free... AND... just to make it fun we're giving away the following:

THE WINNER GETS:

• 1 Month Unlimited Tanning @ the Tan Company
• 1 haircut from James Mitchell Salon
• 1 $10 Gift Card from Papa John's for a large pie- any way you want it
• 1 Nioxin gift bag with varied things that women like (and possibly some men)

So hopefully that stuff is worth playing for.

Feel free to pass the link along to anyone and everyone. And please make your picks before the games tip off on Thursday.

Nahh... doesn't look good:

What does this story feel like for St. Louisan Ryan Howard?

Read the ESPN story here.

So something that’s been bothering me for a while now, but I keep forgetting to mention: the Industrial Soap Company’s logo.

I’ll see one of these lil’ guys on my way to work every now and then and I wonder how a huge multi-million dollar company ever got this through the concept phase into actual implementation. It looks like what they do over at Flomax…

Then again, if they want me to wash myself, I do feel kind of dirty for staring at it for so long.

READ “Killing Horses Will Not Save Season” at INSIDESTL HERE

The NCAA tournament field will be settled this Sunday and Joe Lunardi will crawl back into his stump until next January.  We’ll have some sort of something about the tournament up next week. Hopefully coach Mac can chime in with something. (Mac has blessed us with a NCAA Tournament preview for years now, even going back to when FWC and I did Beyond Reproach, a reprehensible piece of internet.

The CD also has a growing inventory of prizes, so we might just blow out the prize closet with some sort of NCAA game.

Now some links…

• Do NOT try to sell your BMW in the south with an Obama sticker on it. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• For times when you just need a big ass message. LINK HERE
• Jimmy Kimmel gets the boot from the Handsome Man Club. Good stuff. LINK HERE
• The coolest guy in the world? I can't argue with him, actually. LINK HERE (HT: RH)
• Can you watch this the whole way through without stopping it? I dare you. LINK HERE (HT: KA)
• This guy is setting the internet on fire. Best song ever? Maybe. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• 20 risky pitchers for 2010. Do you agree? LINK HERE
• Cleaning out my links folder and found this. Worth a re-post. Forgot about these whack-o's. LINK HERE

Also, be sure to scroll down and check out HWM's excellent fantasy baseball post from yesterday. Also, after all the horse killing talk this week and unfavorable comparisons to Detroit, I feel like we should just all dump on C-Town and feel better for the weekend.

It's my favorite time of the year. Yes, the time of year when I could be thinking of new material, but i re-do a recycled article that I've posted to three different websites now...

Wait, no, ignore that - it's fantasy baseball season! Sure, this "real" baseball thing people talk about is going on, but fantasy baseball is way more important. Just ask the guys in that photo (taken from the ESPN 30 for 30 documentary on the origin of fantasy baseball - late April; can't wait.).You may lean towards fantasy football, but I like fantasy leagues where you know your entire team won't be out for the season in three weeks (or consistently puts up negative points - thanks Steve Slaton).

Fantasy baseball is a six month long daily battle, while fantasy football can be won by any idiot in the room. The same sometimes applies to the NCAA pool. For example, the lady who won the big office pool two years ago (100+ people) won because she picked all blue teams to the Final Four. "Strategy" like that won't win fantasy baseball leagues - although my blatantly racist 'no Japanese players' policy has done just fine over the years.

But it all starts with the draft, which is usually the most fun part of the entire league, so you might as well enjoy it as much as possible. Here is my step-by-step plan that you should use to wreck everyone at your upcoming draft:

1.) Print out a bunch of info using your company's paper

Work is work...but there are times when being at work comes in handy - they always have plenty of computer paper. Use this to print up any type of information you want. I always go with a ranking list of the best 200ish players and someone else's mock draft. Side note: you are not as smart as the guys who get paid to write about fantasy sports. Trust them, not you, especially when it comes to baseball. This is more of a reliable sport than football, which is a complete crapshoot (seriously - go to hell, Steve Slaton).

Also print out some stats from last year in case you want to compare one player to another. Don't bother paying 8 bucks for an outdated mag when you can go online and get everything in there for free. And if you need pretty pictures to feel worthy, send these to the color printer at work and tape them over the Pirates' team stats, since you won't need that page.

Amendment - since I wrote this out for the first time a few years ago, the laptop has become more and more popular as a draft tool. If you're planning on a paperless draft, at least use company time to gather stats, notes, rankings and a recent mock draft. Your boss knows you're screwing around half the day anyway, at least use it wisely this time.

2.) Steal a gay highlighter from work too

Highlighters don't come in very many "manly" colors, so suck it up and go with pink for your draft. When picks are made, highlight that guy's name on one of your sheets listed in tip #1. Plus you take a chance that one of the other team owners will mock you for having a pink highlighter, possibly distracting him during the draft. If he slips up and takes Nomar Garciaparra in the 6th round, now who's the dumbass?

Amendment - once again, if you're using the laptop, this doesn't apply to you. This tip could be obsolete in a year or two (and not because everyone is losing their jobs), but there's got to be a useful way to distract the other jerks sitting around you on draft day. What if you played some really gay songs on youtube about five minutes before the draft? Really gay, catchy songs can get stuck in everyone's head, hopefully throwing them off their game. If the guy next to you is still humming 'Dancing Queen' right before he picks his third closer in round five, then you've done your job.

3.) Booze/Food

How will you be able to concentrate on an empty stomach? More importantly, how will you be able to cope with having Johnny Damon as your top OF? Be sure to stock up on a bunch of food, preferably something greasy and/or deep fried. The draft is going to take a while, so be comfortable, and lenient on that belt, fatboy. And the amount of booze is your choice. If for some reason you do end up with Johnny Damon, I'd suggest you drink by the case. Or maybe fake a heart attack to get out of the league.

4.) Draft attire

If no one makes fun of you for a gay highlighter/youtube clips, your wardrobe is another key component of getting inside their head. Do you go with a plain old t-shirt? No, that doesn't get anyone's attention. Tommy Herr powder blue jersey? Now we're talking. The barf-tastic glow off a powder blue jersey cannot be avoided, no matter where you are located in the room. Plan B: If you're real desperate, go with the "just out of jail" look. Handcuff on one of your wrists and a teardrop tattoo under your right eye. A lot of good picks could fall into your lap if you threaten to kill someone's grandma. Write that down.

5.) Talk some shit and bring "Ha Ha" guy with you

Smack talk is always encouraged, and you get better with practice. Not all one liners will be winners, but lay it on your opponents early and often. Be sure to back that up by not making stupid decisions on your own. An alternative to vocally speaking smack is by using "Ha Ha" guy as a silent weapon. What the hell is "Ha Ha" guy you ask? Go here and type in some hate. Print that out and hold it up to your opponent's face every time they make a dumb pick. It's always a crowd pleaser.

Amendment: I'm looking for the wave of the future in the shit-talk industry. While "Ha Ha" guy is funny, his time is up. My recommendation? A championship belt. If you won your league last year, you've got to bring a big ass belt to the draft. It's extremely cocky and makes a big statement that you're a jerk, but at least you're good at fantasy baseball.

If you lost last year, just pull a Million Dollar Man circa 1989, and create your own title. We all know the guy who won cheated, or got really fucking lucky. You don't have to take his shit any more. You're the champ whether he likes it or not.

There you have it - everything you need to know to dominate your draft this year.

Except a basic strategy, what players to draft and how to work the waiver/free agent pool. I ran out of room, sorry...

Good luck!

Let’s take a trip around the news:

Obama speaks in St. Louis. Then he ogles Tim McKernan’s girlfriend. Could we have Obama Willy in office? Why do politicians have such a hard time keeping their wangs tucked away? And what the fuck are these people that are so opposed to health care reform bitch about? Really, we’re good with the way things are now?

Pujols and Holliday are hurt.  Tremendous. Looks like the Cardinals are in mid-season form with their medical press releases: Pujols will be good Tuesday. No Wednesday. Wait, maybe this weekend. Ok, ok he’ll be good for the regular season. And on it goes. Holliday, ironically, hurt his stomach. The same one that got fat with 120 million dollars in the off-season. Hmmm.

Panera Bread is posting calories now. Here’s a hint, if you thought that going to the Bread Company was good for you… you’re an idiot. You’re not losing weight, YOU’RE GETTING FAT! Let’s all agree that unless something tastes like shit, literally shit, it’s not good for you. Damn you food.

The recession hasn’t gotten better… START KILLING HORSES. If we lived in NYC that would be the headline. We don’t, so we get a tepid “Slaughter of Horses Could Resume in MO.” Either way, horse is sooooo tasty, it’s got to be bad for you.

Ahhhh: We’re the new DETROIT?! Good God- LOOK AT THOSE LOSSES! Who is responsible for this mess? What are we going to do about it? Are the horse killers going after our jobs!

(At lease we're not... You know who.)

Didn't get a Cardinals Snuggie for Christmas or Valentine's Day?

Spending a lot of time on the couch?

Allergic to long-sleeved shirts?

Not concerned about looking ridiculous?

Well, unbook your plans for April 30th, so you can get the official 2010 Cardinals Sluggie giveaway (thanks AT&T...really).

If you saw the promotional calendar earlier this year and had any doubts about whether this would be the silliest giveaway of the year, behold - a photo has finally been uploaded onto the Cardinals website:

I'd much rather see Vince from the Sham-fuckin-Wow commercials, hawking those German-made wonders at the ballpark, but this will do. It's too bad Billy Mays hasn't had any new products out recently that could be a Cardinal giveaway? He must be too busy. (My watch says it's not "too soon." I still see him on commercials - kind of creepy, isn't it?)

A couple other teams are giving out Snuggie/Sluggie's this year, including the Giants, who had their Cy Young winner wear one for promotional purposes. Kind of eases the pain of Carpenter or Wainwright going home empty-handed.

Remember ‘Encino Man’? An improbable situation happens when a pre-historic caveman is frozen and then- poof- thousands of years later, he thaws out and meets Pauly Shore. Pretty much every single thing he encounters is a mind-blowing deal. (Side: Brendan Fraiser’s best work to date. Seriously. How many actors could have pulled off that role?) Shaving cream. Hot Pockets. Zubaz. Everything is AMAZING.

Granted, 5 days out of the country without cell phones or the internet isn’t comparable to 5000 years. And St. Louis would kill to be Encino California for 3 hours… but still, you’re way further out of the loop than you’re used to. And it’s disorientating.

Big Ben did what?

Boldin went where?

Kyle McClellan struck out how many?

The Rams signed… uh, nevermind.

It’s like every tid-bit of news is out of nowhere and you almost don’t know what to do with the information. Then things settle down. And the grind resumes.

As a public service to those getting ready to go to Mexico, here are 5 things you need to know:

1) US Airways is a terrible, terrible company. I have to admit; I fly Southwest pretty much everywhere I can. So I’m not used to missing EVERY SINGLE DEPARTURE or TAKEOFF TIME. 4 for 4. But they’re so good, they just re-book you on the next flight automatically. You thought you were taking off @ 7:30? HA! You’ll take off at 9. And LIKE IT. To be fair both departures were the first out the cities, so it’s understandable that they were delayed, right? Oh, it’s not? (PS: The 4 mintue US Air Credit Card spiel in flight is just disgusting. How much are you really getting for that? Enough to get you to sleep at night? Let’s hope.)

2) When you touch down in Cancun, be prepared for at least a 90 minute wait in customs. It’s brutal. In fact, after about 2 hours of standing in the worst line ever, I literally was having belly laughs watching all these happy people, so fired up about the 80 degree sunny weather outside coming down that one escalator and then seeing 2 thousand angry people in line, that I was getting dirty looks myself. From pure joy to pure pain in like 2 seconds.

3) The Diet Coke tastes better. Much, much better. I don’t know why. But it does.

4) This isn’t America and Mexicans don’t care about your lawsuits. This lady was getting a ride on a golf cart when the driver took a hard left, tossed her out of her cart and broke her shoulder. You know what their offer was? To pay for her taxi to the hospital. That’s it. They apparently threatened to sue before LITERALLY getting laughed at by hotel management. They encouraged them to try. (Bonus note, the doctor advised her to avoid surgery. Any drawbacks doc, she asked. “You won’t be able to lift your arm over 40 degrees ever again.” I think it could be worse for Obama.

5) Our poor and homeless are not that poor and not that homeless. Good God Mexico has some people that I doubt have ever had more than 10 dollars in possessions… their entire lives! I should take my camera out to the boys in Lucas Park for a pep talk and let them know it’s not THAT bad. Needless to say, there are no Larry Rice’s south of the border.

In related note, here are some pics of where I was staying. Life was tough.

I love you all.

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As I was about to throw away my junk mail tonight, I noticed this Post-Dispatch Cardinal ticket deal. On one side is Colby Rasmus catching a fly ball. On the other side (shown below) is CF Skip Schumaker snagging a liner in the gap, with #26 (RF Kyle Lohse) racing over...

Wait, no...Lohse is a pitcher...

Oh, it's Scott Spiezio. He's back!

So not only was the Post's Marketing Department lazy enough to include a pic from 2007, with a player that didn't leave on the best of terms (or his head held high), they didn't even bother looking for a shot of Skip playing 2B. He only played there for 133 games last year, so the poor marketing department really had nothing to work with.

(It's still not my favorite Post-Dispatch Cardinal advertising blunder; this one will be hard to top)