If you think that I’m not taking this opportunity to publically jerk off my new iPhone, then you haven’t been on this site before. So thanks for coming by, here’s a list of ‘real’ stuff you can read if you’re, you know, locked into a Droid contract or something…

• The Friday Links are at the bottom of this post.
• A SB Nation feature on Steven Jackson is LINK HERE
• A ISTL post on the Cards limp offense is LINK HERE

Back to the business- iPhone4.

First, a public atta boy to Best Buy.  When the Apple store melted down on the first day of pre-ordering for the iPhone4, I had read on some real, real dorky message boards that, contrary to public perception, that getting an iPhone from Best Buy was the way to avoid all the hassle of waiting in lines on release day. And since they were using a different system than AT&T, people might be better off going to them to iPhone4.

I was leery, but I rolled the dice. Sure enough they called me on Wednesday and set an appointment for me on Thursday morning. I came in, got the phone, activated it, and never waited in a line.  Both agents that helped me were more excited to give me the damn phone then I was to get it. Yes, they did make you give a 50 dollar deposit when you placed the pre-order, but they took that off on the purchase price yesterday… so as far as I can tell, this is the way to go from now on. I had low expectations Best Buy- you did a hell of a job.

On to the phone.

Here are my impressions after 1 day with the thing.

The screen doesn’t look real. This retina display is like moving from SD TV to HD TV, times 3. It almost looks like a sticker is over your phone, but one you can interact with. Does that make sense? Don’t look at one of these unless you want to buy it. You will not like the miserable experience of looking at your phone.

The flash on the camera is huge. Took some pics last night and they turned out nice. It’s not to the point where you wouldn’t want to have a camera with you for important events… but if you like taking pics when you’re out drinking- this will do way, way better than previous iPhone cameras. By the next generation, I’d suspect you can completely chuck the point and shoot.

Dump your Flip stock now. That company is dead. I love Flips, but this thing shoots HD video you can edit on the phone. Absolutely no reason to get a Flip for 120 bucks when this shoots better video, lets you edit and send from the phone, and gives you about a million different other things.

I love the new shape. Others preferred the rounded edges, but I didn’t. This tends to fall along gender lines at the office, with the men liking the industrial design and women liking the old edges. I also like my square Macbook Pro, though.

The noise cancellation is amazing. I haven’t noticed much improvement in my call signal strength, at least in the house, office or commute… but the call quality when I’m on the phone is great. Within seconds of even loud noise, this sucker has cancelled that shit and lets you feel like you’re in a phone booth. One of the more underrated and under talked about features of this new incarnation. (Click 'READ MORE' below for rest>>) 

Over the weekend, a couple friends and I made the road trip to lovely Omaha, Nebraska for the first few days of the 2010 College World Series. For one reason or another, I had never made the trip out there to take in some college ball and BBQ, and I quickly realized what I've been missing out on.

I wouldn't mind going on about the atmosphere around Rosenblatt Stadium (it's being torn down for a new park), or the heart and soul that the players possess, or wax poetically about what the CWS is all about, but there are people who can do that better than me - especially because I'll be using about ten variations of "awesome" and "sweet" from here on out.

Instead, I'll give you a little photographic tour of what we saw, including a couple videos to start.

Here is Cardinals' recent draftee Seth Blair giving up a single to Clemson in the 2nd inning:

Then Blair walks a guy on four straight pitches:

As you can tell, great timing by me, right? To my credit, Blair didn't give me much to work with, as he stumbled his way to 4 1/3 innings, 7 hits, 5 earned runs, 5 walks, 4 K's, and even a balk, in a 6-3 loss.

Blair shouldn't have gone much higher than the 46th overall pick, but he's the ace of the top-ranked team in the NCAA, so that's got to count for something, kind of. I don't think we're looking at anything more than the next Boggs/Hawksworth-type of guy, but it was a bit disappointing to see him come out so flat. Also, the jerk who wanted a basket of onion rings at 10:30 AM didn't come through. (Sorry)

Other fun stuff -click the Read More button!

Tennis and Soccer.

Two sports I could normally give a rats ass about, both had me riveted. June 17th 1994, was made into a documentary recently on ESPN and many people Tweeted that June 23rd 2010 might be it's sequel.

First, tennis.

This is the part of the post where I have to mention that I don't enjoy watching tennis on TV. At all. I was OK at the sport and played through high school and loved it. But watching tennis isn't anything I've gone out of my way to do. I mean if a major final is on or Maria Sharapova is doing her sexy little grunts, I might watch for a bit. But I don't think I've ever watched a whole match from start to finish.

Until yesterday. Sort of.

John Isner and Nicolas Mahut aren't stars. They're middling players that Roger Federer bends over the net until he meets Raphael Nadal in the finals of X tournament. But since these guys were delayed on Tuesday for darkness in the fifth set, I happened onto it after watching some World Cup soccer on ESPN3. Since they were more that 6-6 in the last set, I was curious. Mildly, I suppose.

That was around 11:45 or so. Then I went to lunch for an hour, came back and it was 39-39 in the fifth set. They called the match for darkness when it was 59-59 and following exactly 10 hours of action. By any statistical measure, this is the longest tennis match in history... AND IT's NOT DONE.

Fifty Nine games a piece. In a set. Someone is going to have to get to 61 at least to win a SET.

Some of the better stats:

1) 7 hours 6 minutes is the time of the 5th set so far. 2) Isner leads Mahut in aces 98 to 95. Both eclipsed the single match record for aces. 3) There have been 881 points with 612 alone in the 5th set. 4) There have only been 81 unforced errors combined... so this isn't shit tennis, these guys are playing well. 5) ESPN is claiming that this would be the physical equivalent of a 50 inning baseball game or a 15 overtime basketball game.

This match could literally end in a couple of minutes. It could of ended with any of the 4 match points going the other way than they did. But it's somehow become this unbelievable anomaly that can't really be put into perspective... because we're in uncharted territory here.

Listen. I get it. Watching two over-privileged white guys swing racquets that would pay your mortgage for 3 months may not be your bag. So think of it like this... when this match resumes on Thursday, it's part III of a freak show. How long will they go? Could one person get to 100? I mean it's all absurd to think about... but so is 59-59.

Now soccer.

Again. Unless it's the World Cup or a big national tournament, I've got almost zero interest in soccer. But again, I was sitting in front of my computer absolutely riveted by their game with Algeria.

By this point you've read all you've wanted to read about the damn match... so just watch the fucking goal again and get goose bumps all over. Again.

GOAL HERE

I mean these fuckers took it to stoppage time in a game they HAD to win to actually win and send the US side to the KO Round. This stuff doesn't happen. This isn't like hockey where you can expect a fair amount of last minute goals to tie or win a game... this is the World Cup. Goals are HARD to come by. And goals in stoppage time are almost impossible.

Hell, we even had a Holliday RBI to win a game Carpenter twirled a gem in and as the editor of this site, it wasn't front page news.

That's June 23rd 2010. One of the most random best days of sports in years.

If you’re a good American, then you haven’t given one second of thought to Canadian baseball this summer. At least I think they call it baseball in Canada. You’re right; they probably call it something Canadian like hand ball or ball toss or some other very bland, yet friendly moniker.

Here’s what you need to know to get you ready for STL Cards vs Toronto Blue Jays:

Joe Carter doesn’t play for these guys anymore?! What! Outrageous. But I guess looking back, that was 1993 when he hit a dramatic walk-off HR to win the World Series. Shit, that’s like 17 years ago. My bad. I mean it’s not like these guys are still managed by Cito Gaston, ha ha ha. Wait, what?

The Blue Jays are like a team hybrid of Jack Cust, Nick Stavinoah and Matt Stairs all rolled into one. They either hit the ball out of the ballpark (1 in MLB) or they don’t hit it at all (26 in MLB hits, 27 in MLB Batting Average).

Something named Jose Bautista leads the team in HR’s (18) RBI’s (46) and bats a whopping .227.

Sky Dome, the Blue Jays home field has a hotel attached to the stadium where people leave the blinds open and hump for everyone to see. At least the cool people leave the blinds open. Toronto doesn’t discourage this, as it takes away from what people paid to watch on the field.

According to Discovery.com, if a Blue Jay and a Cardinal were to fight in the wild, the Cardinal would kick the piss out of a Blue Jay.

The Jays are 38-32, the Cardinals 38-31. The Jays play in what may turn out to be the most brutal division (5 games back already) EVER and the Cardinals reside in the Comedy Central (currently first place). Not much of a point here, other than to thank Uncle Bud for putting Shittsburgh, Cincinnati and Houston in our division back in the 1990’s.

June 2005 was the last time the Cardinals and the Jays played. Toronto took 2 out of 3.  The Blue Jays are 13-5 at home since May 1. None of these stats will have any bearing on this series whatsoever.

If you have a heart- you’ll enjoy this: LINK HERE

5 Things We Hate About the World Cup:

I’ve been enjoying the hell out of this World Cup, don’t get me wrong. But these 5 changes need to be made ASAP. Unfortunately, most of them are so ubiquitous, they won’t be.

Guys grabbing their heads in disbelief when they miss a header/kick in the box and the ball sails wide of the goal. Pal- not every time you get a body part on it, is it the chance of a lifetime. They know the camera cuts to their face and they feel like they need a reaction. When Kobe misses a shot he doesn’t grab his head in disbelief. When Peyton Manning misses a wide open pass, he doesn’t raise his arms up and scream to the heavens. Fucking compose yourself, man.

The flopping. I promise you this… America is a lot of things, but we aren’t fucking floppers. So you want to know why soccer isn’t as big here as it is everywhere else? HERE’S WHY. We love the NFL and MMA because when those cats go down, they went down for a reason. If they’re laying on the playing field, we expect 6-8 week absences and protest groups on how their sport is too violent. No offense, but if this is how the rest of the world plays sport- then I’m not worried about our lone superpower status vanishing anytime soon. Pusswads.

The hyperbole. Yesterday’s NZA v ITA draw was called one of the biggest upsets in World Cup history. You know what? It wasn’t. New Zealand did a great job to get a point… but THEY DIDN’T WIN. They tied. An upsetting outcome for the Italians? Yes. An ‘upset’? Fuck and No. A tie is a tie is a tie. And if you’re going to have them, then you’re going to have to BEAT the better team to be labeled and ‘upset’. End of story.

The Vuvuzela complaining. People, they’re not going away. And any and all jokes about this plastic horn are more worn out then a 5 day old Lenno monologue. If this is the extent to which you’re involved in this World Cup, then politely STFU and do something else. If you wanted to trade your life with an African, I’ll arrange that for you. I’m sure you’d find a couple volunteers to give up their Vuvuzela for your minivan. Until then…

David Beckham. AKA the brooding brit. AKA the male Kardashian. His sour puss is the iconic symbol of World Cup 2010 so far, which is upsetting on so many different levels.

Bonus!

1 Thing We Love About the World Cup:

France’s national meltdown.  Effin’ frogs.

It's Father's Day.

While the women get all the credit for going through "labor", the miracle of babies wouldn't be possible without you.

Today we celebrate all the things you normally do, but instead of pissing and moaning about you not cutting the grass, watching sports on TV all day and farting loudly and giggling... everybody celebrates it! Not a bad deal.

Now if we could just figure out a way to get rid of those little shits for the other 364 days a year...

Back to watching Tiger win the US Open so we can have an NBC montage on how he parents.

1) I haven't really explained this well- so here it goes.

A company called SB Nation has asked me to be a feature contributor writing about the STL Rams on their new STL centric hub. If you want to think of it like ESPN Boston or any of their other micro sites, but for STL and not owned by ESPN- then you've got the picture.

The guys from Viva El Birdos are doing the Cards stuff. Joe Sports Fan is contributing where they can. I'll be handling the Rams stuff along with the guys from Turf Show Times and some YTD person will be covering the Blues.

Do me a favor and check out my first piece... then bookmark the hub and go to it. Some talented people are running and contributing. And since they actually pay us all- it will be updated regularly. For the two people that care, I have stepped down as a Featured Columnist for Bleacher Report to accept this job.

2) So by the time you get around to wasting your time with this site today, the US Soccer team will most likely be done with their game and have determined their WC fate. A win and they're in the KO round. A loss and they're out. A tie and they're playing Russian roulette with goal differential that they most likely won't win.

Not to put it too bluntly, but I just don't think I can fully get on board with a sport where the US can't beat Slovenia. Pay me a hundred bucks and I couldn't even get within 500 miles of identifying this nation on a map. Cocky jingoism? Absolutely.

3) The Cardinals need to continue forward momentum against the Oakland A's. This is not a good team and quite possibly could be the lightest hitting teams ever assembled when all the stats are complied in the end of 2010. Less than 2 of 3 is unacceptable

Now a big batch of "The Friday Links"...

• So if you use a newspaper in a TV show or movie, it's this one. LINK HERE
• Now that you've read that link, here's the story behind the story. LINK HERE
• The most brilliant truth you will find about your Internet habits. LINK HERE
• Weightlifter attempts 1008lb squat. Pukes on judge instead. LINK HERE
• The new Internet meme: Sad Keanu. LINK HERE
• The Roots & Ice Cube "Straight Outta Compton". Sick. LINK HERE
• Dating was just as painful back in the day, I suppose. LINK HERE
• There is no point to this. None. LINK HERE
• The cat finally got his tail. Now what? LINK HERE
• If you like drunk texts from last night, you'll love the voice mails. LINK HERE
• A Toy Story and The Wire mash-up. LINK HERE
• This is just wow. LINK HERE

So there you go.

Please scroll down for HMW's excellent MS Paint on the don of STL Sports Media...

Albert Pujols:  So guys, we really need to hone in and start focusing on our consistency.  While we’ve managed to stay in contention, there are small things all of us need to work on if we want to be a cohesive unit and pull ahead in the divisional race.  Each of us should think about what we can do to help generate or contribute to team chemistry.

Matt Holliday:  So, uh…does that apply to me? (Gazes absentmindedly at reflection in a hand mirror.)

Pujols: Yes, Matt.  That ESPECIALLY applies to you.  I don’t mean to complain, but you’re the highest paid player on this team and you haven’t really been very effective lately.  I mean, no offense, buddy…but this is starting to get frustrating.

Ryan Ludwick:  Seriously, dude.  You may be better looking than me, but I am absolutely better at my job than you right now.  And I don’t get paid DICK. 

Pujols:  Ryan, try not to be vulgar.  Let’s all be mature adults here.

Ludwick: Sorry, Al.

Holliday: Guys, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but do you know the PRESSURE I am under?  It’s like I have the weight of $120 million dollars on my shoulders!  Plus, do you guys know what this St. Louis heat and humidity does to my hair?  IT’S JUST SO HARD!!!!  (Puts face in hands, weeps openly.)

Pujols:  Matt, you DO have the weight of $120 million dollars on your shoulders.  I’m not sure where the confusion is coming from here.  And I don’t understand how the weather is relevant.  You’re bald.

Yadier Molina: Can I interject?  Matt, I don’t even care about your so-far-unjustifiable salary.  More to the point, do you know how much I hate the fact that you’re just out there wandering around the outfield like an idiot while I’m stuck in a goddamn OVEN, crouched behind home plate and having to catch pitches in the dirt from jackasses like Blake Hawksworth?  I can’t even believe this shit!  You want to talk about heat and humidity?  I’ll SHOW YOU heat and humidity!  (Stands and lunges at Holliday.)

Pujols: (Intercepts Molina’s attack.)  Hey, Yadi, let’s keep our emotions in check.  We’ve been friends for a long time and I support and respect you unconditionally.  But we all know that Matt is a couple of DVDs short of a boxed set.  (Looks over at Holliday who is grooming his imaginary facial hair.)

Molina:  Jesus.  I can’t handle this. 

Adam Wainwright:  Um, guys?  Can we talk?  I don’t want to sound needy, but do you think you could help me and Carp out?  I mean, I think we’ve been throwing the ball pretty well, but it’s not every day that we can pitch a shutout.  (Chuckles nervously.) Any chance we could talk you into some run support?  Not, like, crazy amounts, but maybe 4 or 5 runs?  Just sometimes?

Chris Carpenter:  I swear on my life, you assholes make me want to light fire to my groin.  Waino and I cannot do EVERYTHING OURSELVES.  Big Al, you know what I’m talking about!

Ludwick:  Hey!  What about me, jerk off? 

Carpenter:  (Rolls eyes.) Right.  Sorry, dude.  How could I forget you and your perfectly bulbous head? I mean, bat?  I mean…yeah, whatever.

Jaime Garcia:  (Stares meekly at his feet and whispers to himself.) What am I, ground meat? 

Dennys Reyes:  Did someone say meat? I thought I just heard someone say meat. (Gnaws on raw 24 ounce rib-eye.)

Holliday: (Sits filing fingernails.) So, can someone wrap this up and just tell me what I’m supposed to do?  I have a soiree to get to.

Carpenter:  A what?

Pujols:  A soiree.  It’s a party. 

Wainwright: This is unbelievable.

Ludwick:  Does that mean a party for gay dudes?

Jeff Suppan: Wait, what?  There aren’t homosexuals on this team are there?  Oh, please, no!  SOMEONE DISINFECT THE LOCKER ROOM!

Molina:  Oh for the love of god, Jeff, not this crap again.

Suppan: I will pray for you, Matt.

Carpenter: Sorry buddy, but you ought to probably save those prayers for yourself.  Since you went to Milwaukee you’re not so much  Cy Young as you are CY OLD, amiright guys?  (Smirks and holds up his palm for a high five which no one returns.)

Ludwick: (Stares blankly.)

Molina: (Stares blankly.)

Wainright: (Stares blankly.)

Holliday: (Applies Vaseline to his teeth.)

Pujols: Please shoot me.

Every Friday, stltoday.com unleashes a new critically-acclaimed "Media Views" column on the universe. The ringleader in this circus (whatever that means) is Mr. Dan Caesar. He is the most important columnist for the most important subject in our lives right now: St. Louis sports media.

A question you might be wondering is, "Why all the fuss over a weekly column about the guys who talk about sports - not the ones who play them?" That is an outstanding point, to which no one has a good reply for.

But somehow Dan Caesar gets conservatively 75 billion clicks per article. The town is always abuzz for a good two or three days after his column is published. It sparks tons of conversations among 25-50 year old men, and 80 year olds who want the Cardinals back on KMOX. It doesn't exploit St. Louis' small-town nature at all.

Normal, rational people might point out that sports TV ratings are down, along with sports radio ratings (not to mention "quality"), so if Dan Caesar stopped writing about the media, only a handful of people would notice. But where the hell would we get analysis on local Super Bowl and Kentucky Derby TV ratings? Or where would we turn for a Brian McKenna "Hey, you just got fired, how do you feel?" quote?

So what all goes into a Dan Caesar column? How does he make the magic happen? Let me explain to you via my favorite way of story-telling: MS Paint...

First - you've got to get the blood flowing, so go kill a bear at the Zoo.

Next, stalk Tim McKernan. Don't call him. Don't email him. Just follow him around town and get the first hand scoop of what he's thinking.

Now that you have your story, get to typing! That shit is due in two days, hurry! They usually write themselves, but throw in some additional drama for a few extra site clicks. Oh, and ratings, we love discussing radio stats with our friends.

The column is done and people are eating it up. Fistfights are happening all around town, so job well done. More importantly, it's Friday morning, and after a hard week of reporting, you get a little while to relax. Ahhhhh.

The next Monday, it all starts again. Run and hide, bears - the pythons are on the loose.