(It's a much funnier title when said in a Jerry Seinfeld voice, BTW) 

Ok, so I'm in the minority here. I know that because literally tens of thousands of cardinals fans will be attending the Cardinals Care Winter Warm-Up in downtown St. Louis and be waiting for hours to get the autographs of any number of present or former players/coaches.

And all of them came with a mandatory donation to Cardinals Care.

I'm not going to sit here and deny that I'm an odd man. Still, I can't see what the attraction to having a player sign his name on a piece of paper is. 

*Exception: If you have a piece of memorabilia, let's say a piece of Chris Carpenter's shredded jersey from game 5 of the NLDS that you wanted him to sign. Then that's pretty cool. I'm sure at the moment you present this item for him to sign, you'll share a moment. Too bad, this is what you were doing instead of mobbing him midway between 1st and 2nd base.

Other than that, why?

It wasn't a random encounter where you wanted a bit of proof that you guys met. And in 2013, isn't a cell phone pic much, much better? 

It wasn't a heartfelt gesture, since he's literally on a dias, signing for everyone that bought a ticket to get a signature.

He's not making a personal note that could be pulled out and reminisced on at a later date, maybe as a pick-me-up taking you back to a moment in time that was special.

It's a name. On some paper.

Like many posts on this site, this one is really without a point. Other than I can't remember asking someone for an autograph since I was a kid and I saw Ozzie Smith at Spring Training one year. Even then, it was kind of silly. And since then, it's never happened again. 

I think I still have it somewhere though. Maybe Ozzie would want me to sell it? 

Sheesh.

I mean, I don't want to drudge up painful memories, but we know that Ozzie Smith sold all his Gold Gloves this off-season, right? 

These pieces of history are not important to him. But that's not stopping the Cardinals from creating a bobblehead night to celebrate the auction...

Wait, what? It's not to celebrate the auction? This isn't ironic?

Maybe this should be re-named the All-Star bobblehead instead. At least until Ozzie can figure out a way to sell that too.

Last week the 25 hand-picked women were unfurled at Sean's behest. 

And after 25 skits, songs and some general drunken tomfoolery, the harem was whittled down to a manageable 19 women.

What we don't have is Ashley P, who, I assume, is spending every single waking moment watching a clock countdown to the premiere of Bachelor Pad, where she'll realize her ultimate duel destiny as the best reality contestant of all time and the instigation for middle America to ban 50 Shades of Grey.

Tonight, though? A TORNADO OF NEGATIVITY!

7:04 - Quote without comment: "Having one arm doesn't prevent me from having fun."

7:05 - Our first chopper sighting (RIP Landon) of the season. Some people want to be president, others want to be a fireman. Me? I just want 1/2 of the ABC helicopter budget for the Bachelor.

7:06 - Another Quote without comment: "My ability to love someone is not effected by how many hands I have."

7:14 - Your hands are trembling Sean? Nice, ya jerk. Now is NOT the time.

7:21 - Sean does consider himself a man. Glad we got that hammered out.

7:36 - Kristy. A Ford model? Or a model you can have in the back of a Ford. HIYOO.

7:47 - ARRRIIIIEEE... Get back here. Sean forgot all the kissing lessons you taught him last week. He was doing the thing where he doesn't tilt his head again.

7:58 - It's so Yoga to not want to compete. What in the hell did she think this was? Take your mat and your participation ribbon and head downward dog. Or home. Whatever.

8:12 - So Sean's 'thing' is pulling pranks on his ladies (remember the stuffed animals at mom's house?) and he seemingly gets one over on Desiree. Or does he? Seems to me that she was a little too calm in the face of ruining a million dollar art piece. Like I always say: never trust a Desiree, unless it's for rapid counting of dollar bills. 

CUT - Brooke, Diana (who would have been great for a 2 kid reveal), Katie (quit)

NEXT WEEK - Stuffed animals, acoustic guitars, vertical face kissing, stair sabotage. 

The Hall Of Fame. 

But before we get to that, let's talk about performance enhancing drugs... because they've had a big week. 

Lance Armstrong is going to confess to doping at the feet of Oprah later this week. Major League Baseball will institute a comprehensive plan for random HGH testing starting in 2013. The Hall of Fame elected 0 members to the 2013 class, leaving out some of the statistically best players in history. 

Three big stories in and of themselves, coming together at the same time.

Lance Armstrong has probably done more for the fight against cancer than any other single individual the past 20 years (at least financially). But he's pretty much the most obnoxious liar in sports.

Baseball, once again, is leading the way in professional sports with aggressive measures to try and catch cheaters and we want to commend them. But they're still the guys that looked the other way during the 90's and 00's when more players were on PEDs than not. Probably.

Oh, and the Hall of Fame for MLB? They decided to invoke a moral clause in the voting procedure to keep the likes of Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and others out of it's annals, even though these guys haven't been convicted of anything. Not even breaking the rules, since most PEDs weren't clearly outlined as against MLB rules.

Sigh.

It's a tedious conversation. 

Earlier this week journalist and writer Richard Ben Kramer passed away at the age of 63. Best known for his book "What It Takes" that describes the 1988 US Presidential election in ways that had never been reported, Kramer was also wrote about baseball.

This is not hyperbole: what I'm about to link to is the single best piece of baseball writing that I have ever read.

LINK HERE

It's going to take you 30 minutes to get through this profile of Ted Williams. But in those 30 minutes you're going to love Ted Williams, hate Ted Williams, respect Ted Williams, loathe Ted Williams and learn something you didn't know about Ted Williams. 

And when it's over, you're going to be pissed it's over. Because that's what great writing does. Makes you mad that you don't get anymore.

Don't take my word for it, though. The piece, published in Esquire in 1986, is listed in their list of the 7 best pieces they've ever published in the 75+ years they've been in service. 

RIP Mr. Kramer. 

Over the past several weeks, as the cold, cruel winds of winter were licking your face with rancour and malice, a group of brave warrior women beset upon a magical journey the world over to find love.  

Now.

After weeks of careful curation, ABC presents to us mouth breathing masses the only true elixir to our frigid, fragile state... Sean Lowe trying to bang 25 women.

The Bachelor is back.

Joy.

Rapture.

Promiscuous dating.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

7:01 - Anyone else feign excitement at work when asked about the National Championship game only to secretly wish you were included when all the girls were talking about The Bachelor? Nah. Me neither.

7:04 - So who sticks around longer this season: Sean's shirt or...

7:04:10 - And we have a winner. 

7:26 - We meet Tierra. Who appears to be on Quaaludes until a producer reveals that The Bachelor is Sean. And then we have her Silver Linings Playbook, replete with some poor, poor dog getting talked to about how his/her new 'daddy' will be coming home soon. (Where you at PETA?)

7:27 - Diana. Seems really nice. Small business owner? That's cool. Busy at home? Aren't we all, AMIRITE? Wait, what? 2 kids? TWO KIDS!  Have we ever seen the contestant with TWO kids? I mean, the single parent is a staple for some insta-drama, but now we're dropping the deuce on Sean? If Diana wins, it's the biggest upset of all time. 

7:29 - Sarah. Sarah is an amputee. What am I supposed to do with this? Honestly? At best, the producers are baiting me into a bad pun. At worst, sending me to hell. 

7:30 - Ashley P. Quite the little horndog we've got on our hands here. Spanking. 50 Shades of Grey. Lip biting. 

7:33 - Lesley. "There are alot of nerds and alot of politicians in Washington and I'm not into either one." Has anyone ever summed up DC better? Politico needs to think about a new hire.

7:34 - Kristy. "Girls will be jealous of me, no doubt."  I'm calling BS on this one. Michelle Money she is not. You can't come in as the bad girl without proving your shit.  I don't see it. #FauxHard

7:45 - I guess 'hunk' is making a comeback? Are girls really using this adjective freely in 2013? I think I heard a Holy Toledo in there too. 

7:46 - Paige. She's a JumboTron operator. Huh. Bet she is.

7:50 - Tierra gets the first impression rose after revealing that the heart tattoo on her ring finger needs "someone to close it". Next thing you know he'll be meeting the parents and holding dads remote and handkerchief while watching the Eagles game. 

8:01 - Yup. We've got a STL area contestant. Her name is Lindsay. And she came in a full-on wedding dress. Somewhere, The Mask smiles. 

8:09 - We have a surprise 26th Bachelorette this season, none other than Kacie B. ksja;dfklja;lkdjfa;lkdjJfl;ks jalkjfaksjf;lk jdf;alkdjf. Sorry, I just fell asleep on the keyboard. 

8:23 - Oh. Oh, no St. Louis. Let's break this down..

8:28 - Looks like Ashley P. is even drunker and even hornier! You have to imagine that tomorrow is going to be filled with texts from men she hasn't talked to in a long, long time.

8:38 - I mean, am I overlooking something? Sarah is still good looking right? Did I miss the part where they revealed she had a penis? Because guys are really not dating her because she's a partial amputee? 

8:49 - Lindasy. The girl above. She got a rose. ST. LOUIS FOREVER!

CUT - Horndog, Ashley H, Kelly, Lauren, JumbTron and possibly others that I'm too lazy to fact check. 

THIS SEASON - Pirate ships, helicopters (of course), OLD BOYFRIENDS, being above everyone else, ATTEMPTED MURDER?, tears, more tears, dropped roses, man nipples, big watches, elephant tusk wedding stantions and more...

It's Monday and we've got much to cover... 

Yes. The Bachelor Live Blog will be back. We've made no secret that the most read articles on this site are Bachelor and Bachelorette related and we'll be forgoing 2 hours of the national championship college football game to make sure that we're scientifically breaking down the best show on TV. We encourage you to share the news...

Speaking of the national championship: Notre Dame is going to get worked. You know how I know? Because Las Vegas doesn't give a single shit about the hype and they keep pushing the line higher and higher. You might not know much about gambling, but when a team like Notre Dame plays, the spreads are usually beat down because so much action comes in from people just betting Notre Dame because they know the brand. To see a line rise (could be double digits by kickoff) so much since the match-up was set tells me the sharps are on AL...

Speaking of sharp, Joe Webb was not. Nor was the dog track they play on in Washington DC. Nor was Indy's red zone offense. The Wild Card round of the NFL playoffs were about as 'wild' as a prostate exam. Let's hope this weekend means the next one will be twice as good and not a harbinger of terrible games to come...

Speaking of the NFL, I saw Silver Linings Playbook this weekend. That Jennifer Lawrence is going to be a star. I mean, a big star. Only 22 and owning a performance with a better than usual Bobby D. and Bradley Cooper in probably his best role ever. Movie could have been about 15 minutes shorter in the beginning to middle, but by the end you totally forgive what is actually going on here as the climatic ending. Solid B...

Speaking of solid B's. Looks like Bieber is smoking his fair share...

We'll be back later tonight with the Live Blog. See you then.

Remember that kid that aimed the laser pointer at the Giants and Mike Matheny busted him? 

He's been sentenced. To a $500 fine and probation. BND.com has the whole story. (Which they seemed to have boosted from the Post-Dispatch?) And it looks like the whole matter is being put to bed. 

Remember when laser pointers were the cool thing? Those were the days. Because you know what's cool now with kids? 

Braces.

I'm not jerking your chain here. This is catching on. So much so that reputable news outlets are running stories about the "dangers of fake braces". In fact... they could KILL YOU!

A big part of me wonders just why the hell this wasn't a fad when I was in jr. high. Would have made things a whole lot easier, right? Next thing you know debate team and band are going to get you tons of slow dances at the mixer. 

I was born into the wrong era!

Now, the Friday Links...

Dave's Killer Bread. LINK HERE

Sometimes when you're in the mood. LINK HERE 

This is how you scare somebody. LINK HERE

Women love bad boys. LINK HERE

Happy 2013 everyone. LINK HERE

Burn. LINK HERE

That's it. That's the week. Maybe we can finally get a good bowl game at some point? Perhaps the hockey lockout can end? We've been sober for a couple of days now. Let's go have a drink. 

Like most OK ideas we have at Cards Diaspora, they generally happen after the fact. Is that going to stop us from having the Top 5 2012 Song Dedications to the Cardinals 3 days into 2013?

No.

No it isn't. Bonus music insight on each song too!

DEDICATION 1 - To Albert Pujols: "Brand New Me" by Alicia Keys

It took a long summer and another playoff run, but Cardinal fans, for the most part, are over El Hombre. Mostly. There are still those times when you see the #3 spot roll around in the Cardinals order and kind of wish AP was coming up... but, no, really... it's all good now.

Bonus Music Commentary: From the 5:06 point of this song, it's hard to not say that Alicia is the most talented woman on Earth. Very, very few people can command an entire arena with a piano and a voice. This song never hit as a single, but still one of the best songs of 2012.

DEDICATION 2 - To NLCS Game 7: "I Cry" by Flo Rida

Damn this game. I guess we could also dedicate this to games 6 or 5 too, but game 7 meant it really, honestly was over in 2012. The run of improbable comebacks had drawn to a close and the Cardinals were going to be sent home with the possibility of back-to-back World Series in their back pocket.

Ugh.

Bonus Music Commentary: This song doesn't get old. It's great at the gym. It's great at parties. I think when we look back at 2012 it was the year that EDM went pop. No rapper has made that transition better than Flo Rida. He might lack street cred, but the dude is cranking out Top 40 hits when stalwarts like Lil' Wayne are getting dusted.

DEDICATION 3 - To Kyle Lohse: "Money Trees" by Kendrick Lamar

An argument could be made that Lohse is one of the best walk-year pitchers of all time. 3 times now he's parlayed big contract seasons into monster contracts. (Yes, he'll get paid this off-season). The rest of the time he's bad to OK, but when the $$$ is in sight, Lohse delivers.

Bonus Music Commentary: Raise your hand if you're excited for the Kendrick Lamar era. (Bonus fact: his last name is Duckworth). His latest album 'Good Kid. m.A.A.d. City' flashes massive potential. A rapper, yes. But also an artist that's going to challenge the definition of that word. His next album could be transcendent.

DEDICATION 4 - To Mike Matheney: "Heavy Cross" by Gossip

There were some bumps and bruises in 2012. But replacing the greatest modern day manager in the history of a sport without coaching anything above little league is pretty much an impossible task. Hell, sports is the only place where something like this can happen. You don't go from running your student council to Senator or President, right? Mike did an outstanding job of keeping himself out of the way and letting a team get after it.

Bonus Music Commentary: Technically this song is from 2009. But most of you were exposed to it this winter during the holiday advertising season when Dior featured it in a commercial along with Charlize Theron. Hard to imagine this band isn't much, much bigger than it is. 

DEDICATION 5 - To Oscar Tavares: "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

It's time for the best prospect in baseball not named Bryce Harper or Mike Trout to get to the bigs. It's time for the Cardinals to make the call and get Oscar in the show ASAP.

Bonus Music Commentary: Yes, this was the single greatest YouTube lipdub in the history of the genre. There is no second place. Or any other place.

Not sure how we whiffed on this one, but buried deep on the YouTubes was the following video featuring Jon Jay and David Freese on College Humor. 

Looks like this was uploaded way before the Cardinals ended up winning the 2011 World Series and David Freese became DAVID FREESE, so really, this is the last vestige of non-famous Freese and Jay... at least in St. Louis.

Although, both would still go on an internet show today. Probably.