The NFL season is less than a week away.

We've created a NFL Pick 'Em group on Yahoo! Sports and want you to join. It's dirt simple. You pick which NFL team will win that week's match-up and the person with the most correct at the end of 17 weeks wins the prize.

It's FREE to enter... but you will win CASH if you're the best. In fact, we'll make it $1 for every player that registers. So if 100 people sign up- you'll win 100 bucks. Deal?

Good. Do you part and send this post along to anyone you know that A) needs money B) likes the NFL or C) has a crippling gambling addiction they need fed.

Here's how to enter:

1) CLICK HERE

2) Press 'Join a Group'

3) Enter the group ID (49856) and the Password (cardsdiaspora).

4) Make your Week 1 picks and continue to comeback every week and do the same.

That's it. Dirt simple. Free cash. How can this go wrong?

Good luck!

(Just for the legal crap... up to 200 players. We barely make money on this crap and 4Chan is capable of anything...)

Labor Day Weekend is supposed to be a time where we sit back, drink until our livers reject themselves and look forward to October baseball.

2 out of three isn’t all that bad, I suppose.

READ HOW THE CARDINAL DOGS WILL ROLL OVER on ISTL

I guess the good news is that after the Cardinals finally put themselves out of misery by Monday, we can finally start to sort through just what the hell happened and how we can start getting ready for an actual serious run at the post-season again.

The graphics that show the Cardinals records in September the past 5 years are just insane. It’s been since 2004 since this organization was more than 4 games over .500 for the month. And really, if you can’t close, then that’s the fault of someone. Perhaps it’s LaRussa. I suppose it could be Johnny Mo. Blasphemy… Is it Pujols?

GASP!

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. As Jeff Passan of Yahoo! sports succulently put it this AM on The Morning After radio program- any team with Pujols, Holliday, Carpenter, Wainwright, Garcia and Rasums is going to be over .500, even if they try not to be. So let’s not jump headfirst into deep despair quite yet.

And despite the hyperbole and Cardinals bashing that this site routinely engages in… yes- the Cardinals 2010 is technically not done. I think the division will be wrapped by Monday, but the Wild Card race will at least be something to keep an eye on for the next 15 games or so. If the Cards can somehow pull a miracle out of their ass this month- great. I’m not expecting it. At all. But I guess it could happen.

We’ll see. And frankly, I think we’ll learn if all this character bashing served as some sort of motivation to the team, or if they really are spineless douches.

Now the return of The Friday Links

 

• What could you do today? LINK HERE
• Hipster Hitler is fast becoming the best comic strip ever. LINK HERE
• The best of 50 Cent on Twitter. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• 'Baby Got Back' Gilbert & Sullivan style. Much, much better. LINK HERE
• Trumbsy e-mailed this to me and said this must be a Cubs fan. LINK HERE (HT: Trumbsy)
• I've been trying to work this into a post for 2 weeks. Screw it- here it is. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• Peeping Tom caught on camera. LINK HERE
• Your move, CAPTCHA. LINK HERE
• Looks like 'Double Rainbow' guy had a kid and made it a .gif. LINK HERE
• Looks like this guy has found a way to avoid the DMV and their Socialist ways. LINK HERE

Have a great Labor Day weekend friends! Enjoy the Cardinals finally sticking a fork in 2010, the Missouri/Illinois football game and/or any other activity you deem worthy of your participation. Let's just make sure whatever you're doing, it involves copious amounts of booze. You're much more fun when you're buzzed.

Happy Labor Day.

Oh, you guys. I’m so depressed.

The Cardinals are playing like little bitches. TLR is benching Rasmus even though he’s superior to Jay, then attending politically divisive rallies with Pujols. The Cardinals are selling cut-rate fall tickets via Groupons. LaRue still hasn’t grown back his luxurious porn ‘stache. Even Curt Copeland isn’t blowing his wad over the ‘Birds right now.

It’s hard out there for a fan.

So, yesterday afternoon when an e-mail titled "6 Ways to Handle Life's Setbacks” arrived in my inbox, I took pause. It was from my friends at WebMD. Like most Americans, I primarily use WebMD to self-diagnose life-threatening diseases. (For example, I enter "cough" in the symptom checker and decide I have tuberculosis instead of an innocuous virus. Fun, right?) The site sends me e-mail newsletters from time to time, and I generally delete them. But this one spoke to me, maybe because I’ve been sleeping 14 hours a night since the Cardinals fell into their slump. (Shut up. I take baseball very serious.)

I thought these tips could help me work through some of my sad and angry feelings -- and maybe it can help you, too. So let’s do this together:

1. Do Rely on a Supportive Network of Family and Friends
Chickity-check. I’ve been berating the Cardinals, TLR, and those of you who still defend TLR to everyone who will listen. And thanks to the magic of Facebook, Twitter, and blogs, my bitching has reached an entirely new scale. Thank you, Al Gore!

2. Don't Check Out. Do Stay Committed and Engaged.
Is this what it’s like to be the parent of a teenager? I want to be all, “If this is how you’re going to behave, then you can go to your clubhouse and think about what you’ve done! I’ll see you in 2011!” And then bam, I walk away with my head held high, watch the Rays for the rest of the year, and let the Cardinals stew in their own juices (ew). But it’s not my style. The truth is: Cardinals, I can’t quit you.

3. Take Small Steps and Be Persistent.
A day at a time, guys. We have to remind ourselves that no matter how bleak it is, no matter how undeserving of a playoff berth this team is, they could come back. Maybe facing the Reds will help the boys shed their funk (ew). Maybe they’ll run this year out rough, but Johnny Mo and company will get some religion about making some changes to the team and its management. Maybe we’re all just brains in jars, like in The Matrix. You never know.

4. Exercise Regularly.
Omg, are you calling me fat?

5. Don't Take Things Personally.
I buy 10-plus games a year, overpriced nachos and beer, and that MLB TV/radio package thingy to share the season with the Cardinals. I have burned my thighs on the bleachers, shivered through games so cold my snot froze to my face, and sat through hours-long rain delays. I tolerate Hrabosky and McLaughlin, Parris and Horton, Morgan and Miller -- not to mention asshole fans who provide their own play-by-play or strip down to their plaid frat-boy shorts to start the wave. Don’t tell me not to take things personally!!!!11!!!!1

6. Be Flexible.
Um, check. The Cardinals are all about flexible. Six starting third basemen in a year? Bring it! A roster packed with utilitymen? Sure! It’s one of the best things about the team, and heavens knows they’ve managed to MacGyver some solid feats. Unfortunately flexible does not mean good. The team is reaching the point where they need a surprise tactic, like the Mighty Duck formation with all that crazy quacking.

Earlier this week, Matt Sebek of JoeSportsFan and KFNS.com set the internet ablaze with his take on the Cardinals' upcoming Social Media Night. Matt pointed out plenty of problems with the event, one of which being McGraw Millhaven as part of the expert panel. If they had scheduled McGraw to only talk about the legacy of Chalk Talk, I don't think there would have been any problems. But it looks like McGraw is there to talk about how everyone else could/should/might be using social media, you know...since he hasn't tweeted anything since July 13th. Though I'm sure he's whoopin' legs on Farmville.

In the wake of all that, the on-field Cardinals have been buying some prime real estate in Beatdown City, and Mr. DeWitt has a pile of September tickets that need to be sold. Since no one wants to pay full price to see Kyle Lohse get knocked around the park every five days, the Cardinals decided to slip in a few more special event nights, in hopes that Sebek or Viva El Birdos or even some lesser hack blogs (cardinalpoopjokes.com, ankielnailedmeinthepaddyosbathroom.com, cardsdiaspora.com, etc.) talk about it on their websites and generate a little buzz.

Here are those promotions, with a little rundown of what to expect - straight from the Cardinals' PR Department.

Attention Whore Arm-Wrasslin' Showdown

All your mom's favorite Cardinal fans will be on hand to participate in an Arm-Wrestling tournament to decide who's the biggest attention-whoring fan St. Louis has to offer. Of course Sign Guy will be there, along with his arch-rival, Die Hard Cardinals Fan. The Cardinal Cowboy will parachute in from the top of the Arch. Father Time is working on a sandwich board right now and will be handing out flags and buttons. The "Stayin' Alive" lady from the Bleachers will be performing the National Anthem. And when he's not competing, local blogger Matt Sebek will be live-tweeting the event [sorry, cheap shot]. Come on out Wednesday September 15th as the guys in red who play on the large grass field take on some guys in blue...AND IT WILL BE BROADCAST ON ESPN!!!! THEY MIGHT PUT THE CAMERA ON YOUUUUUUU!!!

BROcial Media Night

Hey Brah - Is Jersey Shore your fuckin' life? Come join the Cardinals for BROcial Media Night, Saturday the fuckin' 18th against the fuckin' Padres. You'll receive an Affliction or Tap-Out shirt of your choice and take a tour of the Cardinals weight room facility, where you'll be able to work out and pose in the mirror while the game is going on. The Cards even have a fucking Red Bull machine, I'm being for real, brah. Celebrity guest Colby Rasmus will display his flat-brimmed hat collection at 8pm. He won't be playing, so feel free to head over to Hrabosky's together and get a head start on scouting for pussy. And you'll be in fucking perfect position to Ice Brendan Ryan when he walks in the door. It'll be a fuckin' blast Bro!

Dan McLaughlin Midnight Pub Crawl and Go-Kart Madness

(Nope, let me delete this paragraph. We don't need to be sued. -HMW)

Terrible Trade Proposal Seminar

Anybody can do what John Mozeliak does. It's really not that hard - you look up and see who was an All Star this year, or look at the Top 10 Prospects list from Baseball America, and you trade for them by begrudgingly parting with valuable trade chips like Jeff Suppan or Bryan Anderson. You know who's good and who sucks, so the most important lesson we'll teach you: how to go public. How to go as wide as you possibly can. Message boards, call-in shows, Social Media (holy shit, we're having a Social Media Night too! You should come). Until you have the balls to deal "some minor leaguer" (we still have Brian Barber, right?) for Hanley Ramirez, you're not ready for the big time, son. If you're good enough, Mr. Mozeliak will ask you to be his assistant, and you can quit your refrigerator repairman job for good. Come on out Monday the 27th as the Cards take on the Pirates. Heck, they'll probably want to deal Pedro Alvarez so they don't have to pay him for the last six days of the season. Mike MacDougal should get it done.

Dirty Euphemism Day

On Sunday, October 3rd, "come" see the Cardinals play a "Hard 9" against the Colorado Rockies. They feature stars like Carlos Gonzalez and Jason Giambi. If anyone epitomizes "playing for the other team," it's Jason Giambi. Be there in time to see Jon Jay "shagging" in the outfield during batting practice, and maybe by October, Brendan Ryan will have "found his stroke" and "jack one off" into the stands to give the fans a "happy ending."

God Bless America will be performed by the Incarnate Word Choir once again, so they're familiar with "Busch."

Friends:

The Big Guy works in mysterious ways. We certainly didn't want to gather here today under these circumstances; times like these are never easy for anyone- especially when our loved ones are taken from us so unexpectedly.

2010 began it's life as a good season. 2010 filled us with hope.

After all, a full year of Matt Holliday, a blazing fast start from super-rookie Jamie Garcia and the addition of flame throwing Brad Penny with his smoking hot girlfriend all had us pretty stoked about 2010. And at first, 2010 didn't disappoint. Hell, if anything, 2010 was turning out to be easier than anticipated. The Cubs were abysmal from the gate, the Brewers never really got it going and the Reds? Meh, the Reds were too young. They weren't ready for the grind.

April and May were good months for 2010. Even after a wild 20 inning affair with the skank pies from Flushing Meadows, it vacillated between 3-5 games up in the NL Central and the games over .500 kept creeping up in increments of 5, just like Mr. Tony LaRussa liked. 30-22 heading into June was just where 2010 wanted to be.

June came, July went and the Cardinals ended the month 12 games over even and maintaining a slight lead over the Reds... but a funny feeling started to creep into 2010. Sure, Carpenter and Wainwright were both bonafide Cy Young candidates. Jamie Garcia was gunning for a ROY award and Pujols had rounded into Triple Crown mode. But like those creepy videos where dogs can sniff out cancer in humans, the fans were wondering if 2010 secretly had some problems that they didn't know about. Why did 2010 not feel right?

Oh, if they only knew.

If July was a hiccup for 2010, then August was a full on heave where the esophagus ceases to work. Then you get AIDS. August 3rd, David Freese was shut down for the season after dropping a weight on his foot during rehab on his foot. On August 4th Jason Motte was put on the DL. On August 9th, the Cardinals were called 'little bitches' by Brandon Phillips. On August 10th, Jason LaRue was knocked out of 2010 with a cleat to the dome. On August 12th TLR was suspended for 2 games. On August 15th, Kyle Lohse was hammered by the Cubs who were on a 3 for 18 game winning streak.

And just when we thought that things couldn't get worse for our dear, dear buddy... 2010 went on the ROAD TRIP FROM HELLLLLL....

We knew that 2010 was hanging on for dear life and even wrote about this 10 game stretch where the Cardinals would play the NL's 3 worst teams in succession. Lose 2 out of 3 to the Pirates. Lose 3 of 4 to the Nats. Lose either 2 or 3 of 3 to Houston?

No 2010. You didn't. WHYYYYYY, 2010? WHYYYYYY!

We didn't see it coming. Seemed like just yesterday we had visions of revenge for the nut catch heard round Cardinal Nation. We were making plans for October and pointing to Labor Day Weekend as the coronation of 2010 into the annals of St. Louis baseball lore.

Now, 2010, I'm sad to say has died. Official cause of death? Lack of heart. And balls.

Sure, some will be in denial. But rest assured, 2010 is dead as dead can be. It's over. All we have left to do is wait around for the death certificate to be certified on October 3rd around 4:15 CST or so. I plead with all of you not to move into denial and tell us that their is still hope for 2010, that it can make a comeback.

It hurts my heart to hear that from you. Because you know 2010 is dead.

Farewell 2010. We won't miss you, really. Not at all. You made us feel things we don't like. Please feel free to take most of this roster with you.

Over the past 15 seasons, I have never thought Tony La Russa should be fired. Last Wednesday, after the 5-2 loss to the Pirates, I legitimately thought, "Alright, it's over. He needs to go."

And I had a good portion of this column done, ready to post last Thursday, but I thought better of it. Maybe I was just waiting to come to my senses. Maybe I was dead-set on only blaming TLR, while the players were/are the ones going out there blowing saves, playing with no passion, and failing to get more than a couple hits against Dave Bush (and Daniel McCutchen...and J.A. Happ).

No, he's done.

I think it goes without saying that we appreciate the World Series and playoff appearances, and all the good times we've had since 1996. It was a great run, a great era; but now it needs to be over. The last straw for me was La Russa not getting tossed after the Nyjer Morgan incident Saturday, or the Desmond forearm/Storen wild throw Sunday. You're getting your ass handed to you from the Nats, we don't want a five minute conversation for some camera time - go a little fucking crazy on the umps. I'm not usually in favor of having an on-field meltdown to get your team's attention, but those were the times this past weekend to do it.

A lot of TLR supporters will point out the 'Third Most Winningest Manager' stat. And although this is Kevin Slaten's main comeback, it needs to be said - La Russa is second all-time in losses. I think he's a good manager and all, but the wins total really only means he's been around a long time. If you needed a guy to come up and get a base hit, would you take Pete Rose since he's the all-time hit leader? I hope not. (In fact, I'd put 20 bucks down saying you won't, and Pete probably would too, ha...ha?). So before you lump me in with the Kingdom, let me explain - as opposed to sitting in the middle of the St. Charles Applebee's, yelling and scaring customers - with some background info:

In the down year of '03, I didn't think he deserved to be fired. After '07 and '08, I thought he should remain with the club, because ownership did a piss-poor job with contracts, signings, trades, etc. following the 2006 season. Short leash, sure...fired, no.

I've never agreed with the pitcher hitting 8th thing, though I think the reasoning isn't the craziest thing ever. I've never liked how horribly he handles the soft media here in St. Louis. (Any listener to The Morning After knows the name Calvin May - he's the guy who always asks TLR the first question in the post-game presser, for home games only. And his question is always a softball; like in the 14-5 loss Saturday night, I'd imagine he'd say something like "Nice to see Jon Jay show some power in the first inning tonight, Tony?" Any manager in baseball would trade places right now just to be able to breeze through press conferences. The team on the field is just a bonus. And as you probably know, the questions don't get much more difficult from there. I've never understood how pissy he gets, considering how much of his ass the media kisses. /Rambling over.) And lastly, I've never liked how almost every move has to have his stamp on it. I can't say this for certain, but I think Walt Jocketty would have stood his ground on waiting to deal Ludwick until the winter - or at least would have held out for more than Jake Westbrook and some food stamps from the Padres. There have been way too many players run out of St. Louis, and I'm afraid Colby Rasmus is next on the list.

So that said, I think he should be applauded for the job he's done here, but he needs to be gone from the 2010 Cardinals. The team has been too inconsistent this year and needs a change at the top. They need someone who isn't concerned about getting Randy Winn and Aaron Miles playing time. And really, what is there to lose? If the Cardinals led the Wild Card race, I don't think I'd want a change. But they're in bad shape right now. Trying out a new manager for the last month can either rally the team to win some games, or play some new faces from Memphis (Daniel Descalso, Lance Lynn, Eduardo Sanchez) to see what we've got for 2011.

So I know your next question: Who do you replace him with? I'm sure I'm lacking a big name or two, especially in the "recycle bin" category, but here's my rough draft:

Jose Oquendo. The easy answer, and probably the leader in the clubhouse. Although Jose acts funny sometimes. Like when he does that weird arm extension thing when Albert rounds 3rd. As if to say don't do...something, i don't know.

Fredi Gonzalez. Despite the riff with Hanley Ramirez earlier this year, Gonzalez would be an excellent choice. If he waits until the off-season, he'll get a little extra dough from a possible Braves/Dodgers/Cardinals bidding war. If not Jose, this would be my choice, but I don't think he's picking up the phone until late October.

Tony Pena. He's managed before in Kansas City. He's got the Cardinal connection. He's been a bench coach for the Yankees the past few years. I don't love it, but don't hate it either.

Mike Matheny. I don't believe he's ever managed before, but I've heard numerous times that he's a manager at some point down the line. He's got to get his feet wet in the lower minors for a few years first.

Ryne Sandberg. Cubs fans think they hate us a lot now, but there is one way to put them over the top. Somehow convincing Ryno to manage in St. Louis would be ice cold.

Joe Torre. If he left the Dodgers dugout right now, you think anyone would notice?

Red Fucking Schoendienst. He's only 87. Maybe if we campaign on FaceBook and Twitter, DeWitt will hire him for the last month?

Bobby Valentine, Mike Hargrove, Clint Hurdle. If you like guys with experience - Take your pick. The one drawback for Hurdle is that he's the Rangers hitting coach right now. They're gonna be kind of busy for at least a couple weeks into October.

 

Feel free to vote or comment below on who you think should take over, or call me a crazy bastard - I'm okay with that too.

Thank god, football is back.

I have plans to go back to Iowa this weekend for the Hawkeyes' home opener and am downright GIDDY over the opportunity to watch a team play like they actually have something to prove.  Not to mention the fact that I'll be surrounded by an equally enthusiastic fan base that has yet to feel cheated and disenfranchised.  (Operative word, of course, being YET.)

Remember what that feels like, guys?

It seems like it's been awhile since we've been able to express anything other than frustration and annoyance over these St. Louis Cardinals.  It's gotten to the point where I don't actually feel ANYTHING.  No, my anger and despair have been replaced with apathy and indifference.  After all, if no one in that clubhouse is going to give a shit, why should I?  I feel like I've already gone through the five stages of grief and at this point, have reached a certain level of acceptance.  These guys might be a supremely talented bunch of ballplayers, but they are certainly not a championship caliber team.  Are we even sure we'd WANT to see them in the playoffs?  That would be excruciating!  And horribly embarrassing!  TOO MANY FACEPALMS!

No, I think it's probably better to just watch the flame-out with a measured understanding of how much less this is going to hurt NOW than if they keep us hopelessly optimistic until the final few series of the regular season.  I'm just trying to play devil's advocate here, people, but can you even imagine?  Oh, it would be horrible.  We'd all be running around punching babies and lighting nursing homes on fire if it actually came down to the wire and the Redbirds somehow fell on their swords in the end.  (And you just KNOW they would.)

At least this gives us some time to mourn, I guess?  Since the Cardinals have decided to lie down in the middle of the road and be flattened by the National League short bus, we have some time to process the complete failure of the season and spend a healthy amount of time assigning blame.  There are so many targets for our vitriol!  It seems that there is no shortage of ways the cogs in this machine have worked to undermine each other over the course of the summer.

In fact, just this morning I read an article on Hardball Talk about how TLR held Colby Rasmus out of the lineup on Sunday because of some asinine beef they've got with each other over WHO KNOWS what.  (Maybe Colby wears fur?)  No, but seriously, guys.  REALLY???  I'm sorry, Mr. LaRussa, I know you're a diabolical lawyer super genius. (Trust me, we ALLLLL do.)  But unless Colby is missing limbs or running a terrorist ring out of the locker room, you put him on that baseball field!  I MEAN IT!  I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT NONSENSE!

Ahem.  ANYWAY, football is back, guys!  High fives!  Also, RIP 2010 St. Louis Cardinals!

2-5?

Really 2 and 5? Against the two worst teams in the NL? During the easiest stretch of the season? With the season in the balance?

2 and fucking 5. Unreal.

This St. Louis Cardinals team is beyond contempt... but let's try.

Saturday night in Washington, Nationals resident shit disturber, Nyjer Morgan, only playing while a suspension for throwing a ball at a fan in the stands is being appealed, scored. But instead of just crossing the plate in a blowout, he decided to give Cardinals backup catcher Bryan Anderson a shot to the back, miss the plate, then have to come back and touch to score.

Everyone saw it. As far as anyone can tell, it was completely unprovoked. And you know what Anderson's teammates did?

NOTHING> ABSOLUTLY FUCKING NOTHING!

Let me ask you something. Your boy or your girl gets shoved in a bar for no reason. What do you do? At the very least you do some yelling and posturing. But if you're really close, then you're probably throwing down. The fact that the Cardinals could sit there and let their teammate get totally punked by Morgan without so much as batting an eye- well, it tells you EVERYTHING you need to know about this group of guys.

Everything.

We're rooting for a team that would rather play out the rest of the season, do as little as they can to get paid and if somebody gets embarrassed in the process... shit happens, right? That whole 'play like a Cardinal' thing the marketing team came up with a couple of seasons ago needs to be retired. I wouldn't want children getting the wrong idea about what that means.

If it sounds like I'm pissed- it's because I am. I've spent March through yesterday rooting for a team that doesn't care. They don't care about me. They don't care about the playoffs. They don't care about each other.

They just don't care.

And really, isn't the only requirement of being a Cardinal the want to win? I thought so. I believed that's why we liked this franchise. They might not always have the most talent or the biggest names- but damn it- they were going to bust their ass out there for us. Didn't matter if you made 200K or 100M- wearing the Birds on the Bat was an agreement with us that we were going to be supportive and they were going to try. The results were what they were.

But again, we flash back to that play. That shove. That lack of guile that is just galling to see. A complete breech of contract.

The good news is that Labor Day weekend is coming right up and we'll all have the chance to apologize to Brandon Phillips in person. Let's make sure he at least knows we're big enough to admit when we were wrong.

And if I may- a song dedication... to the 2010 STL CARDS! (NSFW)

Believe it or not, this site does not fully support 5 people's financial obligations to 'The Man'. It is not a cash cow secreting greenbacks. Nor a money tree shedding dollar bills gently to the ground. I wish it was, but to the best of my knowledge, Rick Reilly is the only one that gets millions of dollars to mail it in this bad.

Sorry we didn't have any new crap for you to barely skim over and then immediately forget yesterday. We screwed the pooch. We PLAYED LIKE A CARDINAL!

READ ISTL ON HOW THE STLCARDS ARE SPINELESS HERE

Play like a Cardinal, I'm guessing, was a marketing creation designed to show the world that baseball players are lazy money grubbing pricks... but the Cardinals? Noooooo. They have INTEGRITY! As long as they can walk your grandmother across the street and save your baby from a burning house, they'll practically play for free. Money? Oh, you mean we get PAID for this? Shucks. Didn't even realize!

Unforntualty, the pie-eyed optimism of the marketers didn't dovetail perfectly with what we're actually seeing. In fact, I think it's time to splay out what 'Playing Like A Cardinal' actually means.

The New Play Like A Cardinal Rules:

1) Whatever you do... don't care. If you have emotion and care- you're fucking out and Flip Lopez is IN. Being a Cardinal means being stone faced and flippant to the end of the game. You got your ass whupped by an awful team? Who cares. Not you. You don't give a single shit, let alone two. Just remember that game counted as a paycheck and you'll be OK.

2) Speaking of suck ass teams... you need to lose to them. Lots. You need to have mercy on the meek and turn average pitchers into Bob Gibson incarnates. Blow saves late, lay down early, implode in the 5th- it doesn't matter. Just go down early and often.

3) Coast. Lot's of season left. No need to panic. You've got a whole 5 weeks left in this sucker. You got this. Until you don't. Then please refer to item 1.

4) Love men. Deeply and passionately. Because when you don't have a nut sack, you're not going to get any woman even if you want to. So get close with your teammates, if need be. Get very close.

5) Don't listen. Managers, agents, GM's- they're all blowhards. They have no idea the horrors of making millions of dollars to hit a ball with a stick for 1/3 of the year. They can blow a goat. You know what you're doing and their suggestions are just awful.

6) Win just enough to keep people pissed. Don't lose to every team all the time. Every once in a while, win 3 games in a row and look like a 150 million payroll with 2 Cy Young and 2 MVP candidates should. Then, when everyone is in a later and the fans are ready to really get behind you... refer to item 2.

7) Attend divisive political rallies in the middle of a slump that's submarining your season. That sounds like a good idea, right? Well it's because IT IS! DO IT! Palin in 2012 all the way! TEAHHHHH PARTAYYYYYY!

There you have it kids. Play Like A Cardinal.

No Friday Links today because they all went into the ether that is the Internet on accident without being posted. They'll be back bigger and better than ever next week. Unless we get bored tomorrow, then we might have some Saturday postin'.

If you know me at all — and it’s safe to say you don’t — then you know I’m not prone to dramatics over baseball. While other fans start their analysis and hand-wringing in April, I’m reading “Baseball Prospectus,” ordering slutty Cardinals shirts from the Alyssa Milano line, and advising haters to calm the hell down.

It’s a long season. Promising players get the yips and flame out, or live their seasons out on the disabled list. Down-and-out teams come back after the All-Star Break and make a bid for the wildcard. Clubs heavy with scrappy white boy jobbers and pitching has-beens win the World Series.

So historically I’ve maintained an otherwise-uncharacteristic Pollyanna-like attitude about the Cardinals, but this year I am, for the first time, losing my shit early. Let’s break it down in this simple mathematical proof:

Prove: The Cardinals are fucking this season away.
Statements	Support
We cannot consistently win games against shit teams like the Cubbies, Brewers, and Pirates.	See: August results.
Sure Brandon Phillips is a bit of a dick, but the Reds are a legitimate threat.	See: August results.
Sweeping the Reds, while satisfying, does not a division championship make.	See: Rules of addition, subtraction.
Our management wastes money and energy on ineffective “solutions.”	See: Acquisitions of Suppan and Feliz; routine verbal fellatio on tools like Miles.
Seriously, we lost to the Pirates last night.	See: And not my high school baseball team, which has a mean offense.
When Pujols leaves for the Yankees, I will hunt you down, Johnny Mo.	See: Urban Dictionary: “Shit the bed.”
Therefore: The Cardinals are fucking this season away.

Math doesn’t lie, son. If the Cardinals don’t pull it together fast, we are so screwed.

Photo Collage: The Pharaoh.

no comments