The Cardinals have a disease. And it’s not called apathy; at least not today.

Nope those sick animals over in the Birds marketing department were up late again and in their delusional state decided that it would be awesome to give away a personalized replica jersey.

Nice.

I mean, it’s not like I can wear the thing without any pride (or without Matt Sebek getting creepy pics of me). But F it. It’s like 99 bucks regularly so… FREE MONEY!

Tell me Cardinals, what do I need to do? Fill out a online form allowing you all my personal data? No?

Don’t tell me I have to create a Flip video and submit it to a contest where all my friends will have to vote for me to win the damn thing. I hate those things. No?

Well then… WHAT?

Whoaaaaa, there bub. Are you being for reals right now? Bloatware?

(blōt´wãr) (n.) jargon Software that has lots of features and requires considerable disk space and RAM. As the cost of RAM and disk storage has decreased, there has been a growing trend among software developers to disregard the size of applications. Some people refer to this trend as creeping featuritis. If creeping featuritis is the symptom, bloatware is the disease.

Can you at least mail me a free 8000 hours of AOL, first?

Maybe you have scientific studies that prove that a majority of your fan base is completely computer illiterate. But I find it more than a bit ironic that after your initial ‘Social Media Night’ that you’d be willing to push out an e-mail that encourages web activity that not even the most black hat marketer is wasting time with anymore.

A whole toolbar? For a CHANCE at a $99 replica jersey?

You rascals. You must be sitting there watching your download count and laughing your asses off this Friday.

But on the off chance that you’re serious and you think this is a good way to get ‘sticky’ with on-line fans of the Cardinals… you should be fired.

Seriously.

We here at the Diaspora are always trying to find out the pulse of the people. Trying to see what's buzzing around town.

And today is no different - today we want to know who (or what) is to blame for the Cardinals' awful 2010 season. The easy way out is to pick five or ten different contributing factors, but we want one fucking answer. One answer St. Louis! No BS, no holding back.

We hiked up our pants and stopped by Delmar Gardens for a little Man on the Street, to see what the movers and shakers there have to say about the Redbirds. After all, the Delmar Gardens residents represent the past, present and future of St. Louis. Let's see what they said:

Agnes Murblepester - Lopez has tattoos all over the place.

HMW: Lots of ballplayers have tattoos. Chris Carpenter has at least one, and I think a couple more. He's pretty good.

Agnes: Well if that Lopez concentrated on hittin' the ball instead of killing people and going to the tattoo parlor, we'd be a lot better. I like when Aaron Miles plays instead.

HMW: (delivers roundhouse kick to Agnes)

Harold F. Anger - They don't have the games on the damn radio anymore!

HMW: Huh?

Harold: A few years ago they took them off the air. But I read not too long ago that they'll be back next year. Mr. Shannon and Mr. Hagin really get along with each other.

HMW: Have you ever tried tuning into 550, possibly right around 7 o'clock every night?

Harold: Whaa?

Virginia Stumpflipper - The Media is being too negative. They should cheer on the Cardinals like real fans.

HMW: Oh, I definitely agree...

Virginia: They're always talking bad about our Cardinals. It's really hurting their play.

HMW: Yeah, you're right! What the heck is going on?

Virginia: That Frank Cusumano is sometimes tough, but always fair. I don't have a problem with him. He seems like a nice young lad. Not that Mike Bush though. Did you know he's had two nose jobs? And my daughter's friend said that he was at the Galleria, and she said hi, but he ignored her. Who does he think he is? Dick Ford?

HMW: Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Blanche Wigperm - Albert Pullos always wears a black undershirt.

HMW: Who? What?

Blanche: He should wear the same undershirt as the rest of the team. And he never runs to first base.

HMW: You only give your grandkids four bucks for their birthdays, don't you?

Walter Whitehonkey- That Smash Band never made a team song! He could have given the city another fun song to listen to.

HMW: Whoa, I think we may have something here.

Walter: He made that Go To Work song about the Rams. I still have my cassette.

HMW: Yes, the Smash Band should be blamed. And Murphy Lee, he didn't make a song either. What the hell, St. Louis artists? Do the bloggers have to do everything around here?

Ethel Brownnoise- John Mozeliak.

HMW: Also a strong answer, go on.

Ethel: He just has no personality. I guess some of his trades have been good, but he's just boring when I see him talking to Frank Cusumano on the TV.

HMW: Really? And Walt Jocketty was a ball of energy? Do you want Mozeliak to be more personable and witty because you know you could kick over at any minute?

Ethel: ("Falls Asleep")

HMW: (Tiptoes out of Room)

What’s the point of watching this anymore?

When Adam Wainwright goes out and gets battered for 5 runs. Against a horrible Cubs team. At home. In September. It’s time to move on. And I don’t mean emotionally for the ones out there that are still clinging to some mathematical formula that says it’s not impossible this team plays in the postseason.

I mean move on.

Don’t watch. Don’t go. Don’t give this franchise one penny of the money you worked hard to put in your pocket. Because I hate to ruin Christmas and tell you Santa’s not real… but these guys don’t give a single shit about you, the team, the city or the 2010 season.

Randy Wells is the perfect example. 3 starts ago against the Cardinals when they were still ‘battling’ he didn’t record a single out before getting jerked from a game the Birds absolutely dominated. Last night he went 8 strong innings against a feckless offense that can’t wait for these next 3 weeks to end.

Did you know that the Cardinals have to go 6-13 in their next 19 games to finish below .500 for the season? Did you know that the Cardinals record in the past 19 games is 6-13?

Below .500. What were the odds you would have taken on that in April? I mean we were talking about 90 wins as a minimum and some even predicted closer to 100. One of the best Cardinal teams in decades! Pujols and Holliday for a whole year!

Wow.

Have we ever been SOOO wrong about a team?

SPECIAL COMMENT

Last night I heard an extraordinary piece of radio and wanted to share it with you today.

A bit of background, but not much since the piece lays out the whole story. But recently the Village Voice in NYC has been running a series on police corruption and it’s centered around one officer that decided to secretly tape his life on the beat for a year and a half.

What you will hear in this story is immensely disturbing- and not just the pulling back of the curtain on ‘getting you numbers’ but just how widespread this police attitude of do whatever it takes to make money and keep jobs really goes. Then, when the officer starts to unravel from what he sees- the extent to which high ranking officers go to cover this up will almost make you vomit.

If you ever watched The Wire, which I consider to be the best show ever made, you’ll appreciate this piece even more. And it will probably make you ask yourself some very difficult questions about your belief system.

It’s around 40 minutes in length and starts at the 17:43 minute mark below. If you have an hour, the first story is enjoyable… but take a listen if you can.

HT: Deadspin

The Cardinals did exactly what everyone thought they'd do over the weekend: split. Thus allowing the insane that walk among us to continue to say things like 'I can't quit on this team until they're mathematically eliminated'. To each their own, but looking at this team from TLR to that Salas guy, the Cardinals have the look of a team that can't WAIT for the season to be over...

Clifton Ryan, well done sir. The last thing I was expecting to have to talk about on Monday was Leon Lett, but there you are, fumbling away 6 points at the goal line and here I am posting a link to one of the most famous plays in Super Bowl history: LINK HERE

How sad is it that the Cardinals start a series against the Cubs tonight and you couldn't PAY me to go to that game and miss NY/BAL or SD/KC on Monday Night Football. Worse? I don't even care what the outcome of the game is. I was so fired up for October with this team before the season started and they burned me. They burned all of us...

Some pics for you to check out from yesterday at the EJD for the Rams home opener:

1) This lady is great. Not only does she tape over the name, but X's out the 8. LINK HERE (HT: LD)

2) This sign went up before the game, actually. But it gave the wrong impression on the way out. LINK HERE

3) These guys are burning a Larry Fitz tee before the game. I don't know what the one dude is doing with that salute to the burning shirt, but it's creeping us all out. LINK HERE

4) Speaking of creepy- the Mr. Softee man came barreling through the tailgates with ice cream for everyone. LINK HERE

5) This guy is actually from the northeast and travels to St. Louis for every Rams home game with his boys. In short, you are not a big Rams fan. LINK HERE

The VMA's were last night and MTV milked the Kanye West/Taylor Swift incident from 2009 for every ounce of publicity it could. She's not pissed and he feels bad, etc, etc. Cher wore a body suit she probably shouldn't have wore 20 years ago. Gaga won every single award that she could for her video for 'Bad Romance'. And all the stars came out to connect with the 'kids'. You know why that Kanye West crap was so huge last year? Because you can't script that. He's a nutjob, so they put him upfront in a seat where he could be a nut. He did. Everyone won! It's time to get the unstable stars as much leeway as possible to make compelling TV. Get them drunk. Put them down front. And watch the delay button...

More proof? Ok. Albert Pujols hit two home runs last night on national TV to take the Cardinals record for most multi-home run games in a career. Did anyone even mention that to you today? No. They didn't. Because it doesn't matter. The only thing we have left to root for is stats. And quite frankly, who gives a F about doing that? Hope AP finishes strong. But it doesn't matter to me if he does or doesn't...

Sam Bradford tossed the ball 55 times in his debut. I think it's fair to start really watching what Coach Spags is doing here and if he's the guy we want coaching up this talented rookie. I'm not saying we need to can the guy now, but Spags 17 games into his head coaching career seems like a guy that doesn't stick to what he preaches. If you're going to go off script- then you've got to get the W...

Arian Foster. You didn't care about him at 12p yesterday. If you play fantasy football, 92% of you absolutely loath him today. 8% of you just found your winning lottery ticket...

Headed to Wildwood MO, formerly Grover MO, this past weekend for the first time. And I've got a new slogan for the town: 'Most Inconvenient Place on Earth'. I guess it's a suburb of KC? It's just a haul AND you get to be on Manchester Rd for an extended period of time...

Don’t you do it.

Don’t you dare do it.

You’re watching those highlights from last night, seeing Albert go yard and Colby jack 2 home runs and go 4-4 and you’re thinking ‘5 games? 5 games isn’t completely unreasonable.’

Well it is. And so are you if you’re still hoping against hope that this Cardinal team takes advantage of the suddenly slumping Reds and makes one last desperate push for the postseason. Don’t let yourself get sucked back into this vortex of self-loathing hatred know as fandom of the 2010 Cardinals. You’re better than that. And you know it.

READ InsideSTL: SHOULD WE JUST BLOW IT UP?

Watch the games. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have that right. But what I am asking is that you don’t invest a single iota of your emotion into this team anymore. They don’t love you back. They’re incapable this season. So put your passion into something that rewards you back.

It won’t be easy. In fact, tonight, the Cards will probably beat the Atlanta Braves to pull even closer in the Wild Card chase. But as soon as you drunkenly decide to give these dogs one more last final really this is it chance… just remember that Kyle Lohse is pitching on Sunday. Against Tim Husdon. And really, you know that means the best the Cardinals can do is 3 of 4 with 2 of 4 way more likely.

READ SB NATION: 6 THINGS TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU KNOW THE RAMS

I hate to be the turd in the punch bowl.

Well, that’s not true. But I really do hate to be a bastard on a Friday. But I’ve been hearing rumblings overnight on Twitter and other places that broke my heart. People are talking themselves back into the 2010 Cardinals and they’re just going to end up more jaded for it at the end of the season.

I implore you to have some self-respect. To know when to say when.

Now, the Friday Links…

• Did you know that a lightbulb has lasted 109 years? LINK HERE
• Tennis: where fighting in the stands should happen way more oft. LINK HERE (HT: BNH)
• Nic Cage as everyone. Enough Said. LINK HERE
• Don't mess with my bone, tail. LINK HERE (HT: JRH)
• If you've ever liked Lego's on any level, then this is pretty cool. LINK HERE
• Who says Iran doesn't have a sense of humor? LINK HERE

Also, since the Dogtown Street Festival put together a super kick ass video for their event this Saturday, we figured we'd just straight embed the thing here and let you decide for yourself if it's worth your time to go down and check it out. I think you will.

The Cardinals got their asses whipped while they laid down like beat dogs. So… that must mean it’s time for the marketing team to swing into action!

Wait, what? Is there a loser’s bracket now in the MLB? Awesome!

Seriously, did nobody really check the subject line of this e-mail that has even an iota of baseball knowledge as it pertains to the standings? Is everything so wild-eyed optimistic with the Cardinals and their marketing parteners? Blood diamonds? Pffffft- those young boys will be juuuuuuust fine. Maybe we can send them some autographed Fredbird pics?!

Further- it’s always a GREAT idea to promote heavily the guy who the press revealed… JUST DEMANDED A  TRADE!

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I mean if there is one guy you DON’T want to highlight in a e-blast, it has to be the guy that is spending his free time crying to the front office to get him the hell out town, right? Was there no other option for my points? Colby Rasmus, huh? Can I get Tino Martinez to give me an enema instead?

Just brilliant marketing. Keep it up Cardinals.

There's plenty to bitch about these days, so let's get to it, shall we?

Colby Rasmus - Listen up, kid. YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE!  All of this extra drama surrounding TLR and #28 is getting a tad bit annoying.  Do you realize, you little whippersnapper, that this could all have been avoided if you had just kept your damn mouth shut and not behaved like a floppy haired Fall Out Boy fan who got his poor little feelings hurt?  Now Albert is all kerfuffled and NO ONE WANTS THAT!!!  I mean, I think we all know that Colby's sensitive and has some daddy issues that he's dealing with, but the guy is one critically arched eyebrow away from openly weeping in the dugout.  GROW UP, COLBY!  Siiiiigh.  Kids these days!

Tony LaRussa - As for you, sir, would you kindly remove the redwood that's lodged in your rectum and just act like a normal human being that has emotions and feelings and stuff?  Good lord.  I understand you're a real legend around town and the most INTENSE MANAGER EVER, but give me a flippin' break.  This god complex is just irritating.  Do you really want to run every single player that you have a spat with out of town?  That is not good business practice, sir!  They should have taught you that in law school.  I mean, I understand that it isn't your job to be Colby's personal cheerleader, but would it kill you to take it down a notch and maybe just massage the kid's ego a little bit?  He's got to develop some confidence sooner or later and then you can go back to being a stone-faced badass with no soul.

Public Restrooms - Seriously, what do women DO in public restrooms?  Attending sporting events is made ten times more complicated when you have to juggle beer drinking with the possibility of using the bathroom.  It's always a game of Russian roulette, as you either walk into a stall that's perfectly adequate or one that looks like it's been sprayed down with a garden hose.  At that point, you only have a handful of options, all of which require Olympic level gymnastics and a hand sanitizer bath.  So in the end, you do the best you can and just hope to walk out of the bathroom without contracting toilet AIDS.  It's a truly horrifying experience.

Brandon Phillips being RIGHT - Man, this guy is just not very popular in St. Louis!  It's sad that the best part of watching the Cardinals this past weekend was the elongated booing that corresponded with each of Phillips' at bats.  However, this would have been a whole lot more satisfying if the Redbirds hadn't spent the past month pretty well validating everything he's said about them.  You know what, Mr. Phillips? While I might not agree with your word choice, (this is a family blog, right?), your allegations just might be true.  And that really, really sucks.  (Turns on "Everybody Hurts" and cries into a gallon of Ben & Jerry.)  WHY, GOD, WHHHHYYYYY???

Reply All Emails - As do most people in corporate America, I get waaaay too many emails in any given work week.  Half of it is useful and half of it is spam and Evites.  You know what are the worst?  Reply all emails.  Anytime someone sends out a mass email you inevitably get a handful of people who find it necessary to share their feedback with the entire group.  "That video of dogs on a treadmill was SOOOO FUNNY!" says some dumb idiot I've never met in response to a friend that I wish I didn't have.  That was such insightful commentary!  Thank goodness I wasn't left out of this email chain that is in NO WAY cluttering up my inbox! Stupid reply all emails.

As the Cardinals have unraveled over the past weeks, I’ve discovered ever more Best Fans in Baseball™ who overlook the well-documented facts and blame the lack of a certain je ne sais quoi in the clubhouse. I haven’t heard this much chemistry jibba-jabba since my high school days, and it’s exhausting.

Baseball fans who believe in the healing power of team chemistry are like adults who believe in unicorns: sweet, harmless, daft. And so, the conversation generally goes a little something like this:

Unicorn Lover: The chemistry in that clubhouse is toxic.

Mad Librarian: Skip Schumaker’s offense is toxic. Good chemistry does not create good athletes.

UL: Yes, it does! [Begin discussion of children’s sports films, where the good-hearted, scrappy team beats the rich, talented, evil team.]

ML: Oh, fuck my life.

I’d pass on nine Ecksteins (18 career WAR) for nine shit-disturbing Mannys (with 40 WAR since the scrappy Eckstein scrappily debuted 10 scrappy seasons ago), but I realize that this makes me a rarity in a town swept up with LaRussa’s love of scrappy white guys. So after suffering through this ridiculous conversation several times, I performed 17 minutes of grueling research to determine the importance of team chemistry in creating a winning team.

I hereby present to you the hierarchy of factors that influence the outcome of a given game:

1. Athletic ability and skill of players.

2. Injuries to key players.

3. Use of performance-enhancing drugs.

4. Grittiness of players.

5. Random-ass luck.

6. Managerial tactics.

7. Which team Aaron Miles is on (if neither, skip this item).

8. Relative awesomeness of each team’s uniforms.

9. Whether you’re wearing a rally cap. (Yes, you.)

10. Appropriate timing of and enthusiasm for the wave.

11. Whether the crowd applauds sacrifice bunts because they understand the game, man!

12. Team chemistry.

13. Oprah’s will.

14. God’s will.

15. Tom Cruise’s will.

THE TALE OF THE TAPE!

Colby Rasmus

PLUS: “Fire Burning In The Outfield”

MINUS: That silly brim.

PLUS: Super sweet swing.

MINUS: That super ugly strikeout swing.

PLUS: Youth.

MINUS: Daddy issues.

Tony LaRussa

PLUS: Celebrity friends of the program.

MINUS: Buzz.

PLUS: 30+ years of managerial experience.

MINUS: 30+ years of completely unnecessary pitching changes.

PLUS: That mane. What a mane.

MINUS: That DUI video. For shame it wasn’t before YouTube.

THE WINNER?

Meh. By TKO.