The 2010 Cardinals season was officially declared dead at approximately 9:30p CST Tuesday evening when Cincinnati Reds outfielder Jay Bruce crushed a walk-off HR to send his team into the postseason and exterminating the ‘magic number’ that had been in single digits for nearly two weeks.

Most Cardinal fans had been resided to this fate for weeks. The Birds had the tenacity of a monk on peyote. It was only a formality before the games didn’t matter.

Disappointment.

It seems to be the pre-eminent word used to describe the 2010 Cardinals campaign. Disappointment in the outcome. Disappointment in the injuries. Disappointment in LaRussa.

Fucking disappointing.

But what specifically were the 5 most disappointing things about the Cardinals? Perhaps this is like trying to determine the most gruesome ‘Faces of Death’ video or the hottest Victoria Secret model- but it’s worth taking a stab at.

Disappointment 1:  Albert Pujols is going to finish the season .310/42ish/120ish and lose to Joey Votto for the MVP award, but still get some serious vote backing. For whatever reason, Dan and Al keep referencing this cryptic ‘some people think he’s having a down year’ bullshit every telecast when no one has really said anything of the sort for 5 months… but as you can clearly see- 2010 wasn’t a down year for AP. It was another monster fucking year for AP.

Monster.

Don’t get spoiled by his greatness. You put this guy in any other city and people are literally creaming themselves with his 2010 stat line. When he goes away, I truly will have nothing but empathy for the next 1B player to wear the Cardinals uniform.

But in 3 of the past 4 seasons, where AP is in the prime of his prime… the Cardinals have shit themselves and not made the postseason. The possibility that the Cardinals win only one World Series with the greatest player of a generation is so disheartening that it makes you question pretty much everything about his teammates, the organization and life in general.

Disappointment 2: Matt Holliday somehow entered a line-up, put up awesome numbers, and made the whole thing worse.

Seriously? How does this fucking happen?

I mean it’s done. We’ve got one weekend of baseball left, but this really happened. The Cardinals added Matt Holliday for a whole season and the total offense somehow got way, way worse. Not a little worse. But WAY worse.

I remember being giddy like a schoolgirl when the signed Holliday to that deal in the offseason. I mean, a full year of these guys bending over pitchers and giving them the business? Sign me up. But much to everyone’s chagrin, the offense pretty much sucked balls all season long and this dynamic 3 & 4 punch the Cardinals looked to have was a mirage. Yet it wasn’t, because those guys were great.

So confusing. {Click 'READ MORE' below to continue this article} 

I know Fresh WC demanded we didn't write about the Cardinals dead season, but I had to to do something.

I had to PAINT!

Woof. 
This team isn't worth discussing.

Hipster Hitler
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And finally, Wayne Brady and Mike Tyson dancing to Bobby Brown. 

What an age we live in!

Dangerous curveball. Determination like a motherf'er. Kicks so much ass in his sleep that he injures himself.

My Albert man-crush seems to overshadow my Adam Wainwright man-crush way too often, but here's a great way to cheat on Bert and give some love elsewhere.

In the last issue of ESPN Magazine, Adam Wainwright shared his BBQ ribs recipe. Let me say that again, using much clearer words: Adam Wainwright is the fuckin' man:

I could only imagine some of his teammates seeing this. Well, one in particular -

Colby: Hey, uh Aydam. You ain't made dem ribs in a whal'. Are you, uh, makin' ribs over this weekend?

Adam: No Colby. You want me to barbecue some ribs for you?

CR: I uh, I just hayn't eatin' no ribs nowhere since maw made 'em over the All Star Game Break. I was just, uh, wondrin'...

AW: Sure man. Head over Sunday after the game and we'll have one last dinner before the off-season starts.

CR: Well, uh, daddy's pickin' me up Sunday night, so I cayn't.

AW: How about I email you the recipe, and your mom can make them whenever you'd like?

CR: Do what?

AW: I'll email the recipe. To you.

CR: ....

AW: You've got to get to BP, don't you?

CR: I like hittin'. Are we at home today, or do we need to get on one of dem arrowplanes?

Programming note:

Even though the Cardinals season is drawing to a miserable end… that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy baseball.

Starting tonight, the acclaimed documentarian Ken Burns re-visits his seminal 18.5 hour PBS documentary “Baseball” with a 2 night special addendum entitled “The 10^th Inning”.

Our good friend ‘Duk over at Big League Stew had the chance to talk to Mr. Burns about his newest project. LINK HERE

And you can watch a 1 minute trailer that PBS released below.

Tonight is the night. With a Reds win or a Cardinals loss, the NL Central division will have officially been won by Cincinnati. Has there ever been a celebration of a team getting knocked out of the playoffs? Could there be tonight at Busch Stadium? Might be cathartic for everyone involved…

The Rams won their first home game in nearly 2 years at the EJD yesterday, beating the feckless Washington Redskins 30-16. You might think that relief would bring a microcosm of humility, but the PA booth thinks otherwise. This is what was played as the final seconds ticked off the clock. (For those without YouTube access at work, that’s DJ Kahled’s song “All We Do Is Win”. I wish I was kidding.)…

This Saturday Variety STL held a ‘Brew Review’ in the basement of the building that houses Vin de Set and I went. Hopefully my drinking beer while being anti-social and watching the end of the Arkansas/Alabama game helped some needy kids. That’s probably doubtful. The people that put on this event did a great job and if you want to find out more (Facebook & Twitter) click on your SM of choice. I did win a pretty spectacular prize that I’ll be needing you to help me with. And since we get zero comments on this site unless you are bribed with prizing, I’ll find some prizing…

Update for long-time readers: The Waterboy cooked a whole hog and fed it to his neighborhood this weekend…

“Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps” has almost convinced me to go see a movie in a movie theater for the first time since Borat. No offense to the young lady they cast to be Gordon Gecko’s daughter, but this part didn’t need to be compromised. Did someone forget to tell Oliver Stone this was an Oliver Stone movie? Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, etc al. Either that or go Gabby Sidibe…

A hypothetical: Alabama QB Greg McElroy has never lost a game. Not when he was a kid. Not in High School. Not in college. By all accounts he’s a smart QB that manages a Nick Saben offense very well. His measurables will make sure he isn’t more than a late round pick in the NFL, if he’s selected at all. But what if he wins out this whole season and next and by the time the 2012 draft comes around, he still hasn’t lost?  What if he has some sort of low-level magical power where he simply cannot lose? If you’re an NFL GM, do you draft him just to see? Remember, he’ll have won 4 state titles in HS and 3 national titles in college and no one has ever done that. This magical power may be unlikely, but it’s never been DIS-proven. Do you take him? And if you do, how high?...

This was found at the Rams tailgate yesterday. Here’s to holding on to old technology in a new-aged world…

The Cardinals should have one thing and one thing only on their mind this week- preparing to get Albert’s contract done ASAP. The entire off-season depends on this one singular deal. From TLR’s decision to come back or not, to signing other free-agents… EVERYTHING is stake with this one contract. This needs to be knocked out before the post-season ends that way the Cardinals can have a clearer direction for 2011 and beyond…

Seriously?  The St. Louis Barfs are still playing baseball?  Gee, what with all of this competitive and exciting gameplay of late, it must have slipped my mind.  MY BAD.  (Swallows razor blade and lies down in traffic.)

Holy hell, I cannot believe these jackasses have managed to bring my levels of vested interest down to a big fat ZERO.  What a colossal waste.  You know what's worse than being really, really bad?  Being IRRELEVANT.  And that's exactly what these 2010 St. Louis Cardinals are.  And I intensely dislike them for it.  YOU ARE DEAD TO ME, SKIP SCHUMAKER!

At this point, there are literally hundreds of things I'd rather do than read, watch or hear about this team.  Nap.  Watch football.  Eat a burrito.  Talk about the stock market.  Get stabbed by a homeless person.  ALL OF THOSE THINGS sound more satisfying than engaging my feeble brain in any more of this nonsense.

Why bother?  I mean, can't we all just quit this already and go back to our normal lives where it doesn't matter if Chris Carpenter gets a cramp or Matt Holliday face plants in left?  For all I care, MLB could just pack it in and cancel the rest of the season. We've lost that loving feeling, amiright guys?  JUST MAKE IT STOP ALREADY!

Further compounding my irritation is the fact that I'm being forced against my own will to go to this game today.  I have to go with my boss to the Cardinals game at Wrigley Field and it is making me physically ill.  I don't want to go.  Why would I want to go?  Who wants to sit and watch this team?  Either of them?  I'm thinking of stapling myself to my office chair out of protest.  Is it too late to call in sick?

I guess this is all a long drawn out way of saying that if you never hear from me again after today, it's because I've murdered Ronnie Woowoo and am in jail.

Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker?

I don’t think I ever have, but then again, I feel like I might have done so uneventfully in college. Obviously the stereotype is to gasp is horror at the mere mention of giving a ride to a complete stranger sticking his thumb up on the side of the road…. but are the chances of a violent crime all THAT high?

READ HOW THE CARDINALS ARE PISSIING AWAY PUJOLS PRIME

Wikitravel describes hitchhiking as “one of the cheapest ways to travel” and “a great way to meet new friends”. They also tell us that “People who do pick up hitchhikers tend to be very friendly.”

I’m friendly? Why aren’t I picking up more hitchers?

Probably because I’m a little anal retentive about the cleanliness of my car. To be honest, hitchers don’t really scare me. Most of the time they’re gaunt and weak- so thrashing their faces if they get out of line wouldn’t be an issue. But the dirty bags and (usually) worn fatigues would be a huge issue I’d have to overcome.

I’d probably just end up being resentful about the whole deal and not patting myself mentally on the back for do-gooding. Then I’d spend like 5 bucks on vacuuming and air freshening my car so the whole thing is kind of a loss-leader.

READ HOW THE RAMS ARE STL’s PROBLEM CHILD

On the other side of this, I’d like to think that if I ever needed to hitch a ride, people would be lining up to get me in their ride.

NOOOOO! Pick MEEEEEE! They would holler from their windows while lining up on the median to take me to my destination. I would choose the lucky driver and disappoint at least 5 other car operators missing out on the chance to win my affection.

If anyone ever passed me up- I’d be pisssssssed. You asshole! Do you not know how awesome I am? I’m doing you a favor by giving you the opportunity to shuttle me to and fro. Asshole.

I guess the moral of the story is that hitchhiking needs to come back into the public conscience as an acceptable form of public transportation like busses, taxis and subways. Plus the word hitchhiking... that's just cool as shit.

If you have a story about hitchhiking, please post it in the comments. I’d love to get some feedback about this truly American institution.

On to the Friday Links…

• 20 ways to open a beer bottle without an opener. LINK HERE
• Top 10 moives set or filmed in St. Louis. LINK HERE
• St. Louis criminals are torching homes to collect vintage brick. LINK HERE (HT: JB)
• I'm sure those are some sort of food I'd never eat, but man, that guy. LINK HERE
• It's just going to be one of those years for the St. Louis Rams. LINK HERE
• You will NOT use your apple products as this museum! LINK HERE
• I've said it before, and I'll say it again: God Bless The Onion. LINK HERE

That's it. That's the post. Remember that if you want to bitch at any writer in particular, to use the right hand sidebar and contact them directly. Gives you the chance to interact with your favorite writers and me a chance to not forward on their hate mail.

Folks,

I'm a simple guy.  I value the basics - things like like simple common courtesy and mutual respect from the people I transact with.  I've been giving the St. Louis Cardinals money for a lot of years now. I went to as many games as I could when I lived in St. Louis and I go to as many games as I can when they're in San Diego.

I flew home for two World Series appearances. One of them wasn't a total waste of time and money. I support a Cardinal's blog (that I spent years contributing to regularly, sorry Hooksie) pro-bono.

It's fair to say that I'm a pretty dedicated fan. 

Tonight, I received a text message from the good folks at Yahoo Sports informing me that we lost the second game in a row to the team with the most loses in Major League Baseball. Generally, I forward these messages to ATH with something along the lines of "What the fuck is wrong with this team?" or "Sweet Jesus, it's like they want me to hate them."

Tonight was different.

As I was going to read the post-game recap, it hit me.  Why am I wasting my time?  Why do I care about a team that doesn't care about me? I realized that I'm not angry with the Cardinals, I'm angry with Fresh WC. 

This is a team that is packed to the gills with talent. You can debate the worth of certain players until you're blue in the face, but the simple fact is that on paper, this team should be great. We were fairly dominant for a good chunk of the season. We were decent until it mattered.

This team has no excuse for losing to the Pirates. It has no excuse for letting the NL Central slip away. I'm sick of hearing about it being TLR's or Johnny Mo's fault (though I'd love to choke him every time Ludwick jacks one as a Padre.) The Cardinals simply don't care about their fans. The apathy shown by the organization, coaching staff, and players is appalling. We weren't out of it until they decided they wanted to be. They just gave up.

F you, fans!

You may or may not directly support the cardinals financially, but I'm here to tell you that your time is money. Stop wasting your life on team that doesn't have any interest in doing anything other than showing up and cashing a check. Year after year they short change the fans any way they can. The players might as well have worn their gloves on their heads after the All-Star Break.  Management makes shitty trades and shovels money at jerk-off's that barely contribute.

The team looks bored being payed millions to play a child's game.  2010 is a big joke and we're all the butt of it.

I say enough.

A professional sports organization has no business deciding for their fans that it doesn't matter any more. Every time they take the field the goal should be the same: bring their fans a win. Whether they're 20 games ahead or 15 games back, 100% is the only level of effort we as fans deserve.

I've had the same Cardinals hat since 1998, the year I graduated high school.  I loved that hat and was proud to wear it around the country and get high-fives from other Cards fans. I'm throwing it away. The Cardinals are going to have to earn back my support.

I hope for the sake of all of our readers that they can do it, but I'm certainly not holding my breath.

Death, delayed.

In what must be the single longest funeral procession in the history of the Cardinals, the eminent death of 2010 is taking her time closing the coffin.

The Cardinals took it in the anus from the worst team in MLB last night 5 to 2 and played with the inspiration of Christopher Hitchens on a Lortab.

Worse, all the awards that you nut bags still watching this pooh filled diaper of a team , well those dreams were all but slammed shut when Roy Halladay twirled another gem for his twentieth win, (later Cy Young) Pujols hit the wall with 39 HR’s (Votto is a lock at this point) and Garcia’s pending shut-down (looking more irrelevant in the ROY voting than at any point in the year).

Oy.

Now for hard-line cynics, we did get some validation on our theorem that the 2010 Cardinals ‘quit’  when the club outright released Flip Lopez for… wait for it… quitting on his team. More specifically, not bothering to show up for games when he was supposed to.

But NOOOOOOOOO….

These guys were busting their humps all season long. They’re STILL busting their humps according to the front office.

Right.

And I’m fucking the queen of England.

Blow this team up. In fact, I’m in favor of a Survivor-style set-up where one guy gets sent home per loss. Even set up the press-conference room like the Tribal Council area, have TLR as Jeff Probst extinguishing flaming jock straps on sticks as a symbolic gesture of that players neutering.

US Cellular could even set up a fans choice text poll: I'm sorry Brendan Ryan, the fans have spoken, bring me your torch.

It won’t change anything, but it’ll damn will make me feel better.