Looks like that Brad Penny/ Karina Smirnoff wedding isn’t happening at Orlando’s like all us St. Louisians would have hoped, huh?

The Cardinals have signed Jake Westbrook to a 2 year deal worth 16.5 million with a mutual option year for another 8.5 million. The pact was formally announced by the Cardinals yesterday. Westbrook was 4-4 with a 3.48 ERA in 12 starts for the Cardinals in 2010 after coming over in a 3-way trade that send Ryan Ludwick to San Diego.

ESPN reports: “Westbrook was 3-1 with a 2.92 ERA the final month of last season. He won 14 or more games three consecutive seasons from 2004-06, topping 200 innings each time, but missed all but five starts in 2008 and '09 after undergoing reconstructive elbow surgery.

Soooooo…

Westbrook was pretty solid from what we saw over 2 months. He got through a season healthy after missing the previous 2 with elbow problems. And the Cardinals got him at a fairly reasonable market price, setting the 5 man rotation in stone for the 2011 birds:

1-     Wainwright

2-     Garcia

3-     Carpenter

4-     Westbrook

5-     Lohse

I’ve banged on Lohse for the better part of 2 years now, but since the Cardinals are still on the hook for 22 million dollars, he’s about as toxic as a mortgage backed security wrapped in anthrax. He’s going to pitch for the Cardinals in 2011 or at least get run out on the mound for the better part of 3 months before going down to another mysterious injury.

That being said… If the Cards can get ANYTHING out of Lohse, I’m liking the rest of the rotation. 1 through 4, I don’t think there is a guy that you don’t think that can, at the worst, keep you in a game and at the best, completely shut the opposition down.

Considering this signing came on the heels of Hiroki Kuroda getting 12/m from the Dodgers for 1 year and prior to the Brinks truck getting backed up at Cliff Lee’s Arkansas manse and every other team scrambling for another starter- the Cardinals got a very fair deal on a guy who could be a potential #2 for 75% of the teams in the MLB.

However - and this is completely unfair to Cardinals management- until the 800lb elephant in the room gets taken care of, it’s hard to get fired up or bummed out about any of the auxiliary signings that the Cardinals make. Because, quite frankly, I don’t care that Jake Westbrook is under contract for 2012 unless Albert is as well.

One step at a time.

Girl Talk broke the Internet yesterday.

Or at least he broke the site that is housing his completely new and completely free CD "All Day"- his first album since the 2008 release "Feed The Animals".

Gregg Gillis, the mastermind who is Girl Talk, was taken aback by the surge of interest in his music:

"I was up all night helping to get everything ready for the album, and eventually, I had to turn my phone off and ignore it so I could actually go to sleep," he laughed. "And when I woke up at 3 p.m., it was, like, complete chaos. It was kind of like the Internet had erupted Girl Talk everywhere."

Let's back up for a second, though... because chances are you're of 2 schools of thought about this post.

1- Who the hell is Girl Talk?

2- I've already listened to the album 3 times and I'm ready for a new one.

There really isn't any middle ground. Because if you're a fan of pop music and/or rap from about 1970 on, you'll love Girl Talk. I have no doubt about this at all. Hell, that 'Feed The Animals' album you never heard of? Well it was Time Magazines 4th best album of 2008. Seriously, it's true (Link Here)

Why haven't you heard of Girl Talk then? Well, because Girl Talk has never made a single note of music.

Not one.

Gregg Gillis didn't get a single spin on radio. Won't make a cent off a completely new album. And has another job besides artist. What he does is make art. Musical art. And it's kind of hard to explain, so let's watch. This is the track called "Let It Out"

So that's about, what, 14 or so songs crammed into 4 minutes. All songs you may or may not have heard of, but definitely songs that Mr. Gillis dindn't have a hand in writing. The record companies have noticed and sue 'Girl Talk' about as much as you'd expect. Hell, his label is called 'Illegal Art".

At the same time, whatever it is that Gillis is creating is also something more, and often better, than just the sum of it's parts. He masterfully weaves Miley Cyrus with Wu Tang Clan or Jane's Addiction with Dorrough. It's like Where's Waldo for music on Adderall. Each song on 'All Day' is more fully formed than previous efforts and Gillis seems to be more comfortable mixing over one single musical sample multiple times, instead of laying bed over bed with the maniacal tempo he's gotten fame for.

What's the end result?

The best album of 2010. And unless he decides to come out with another effort in 2011, then probably the album of that year too. By cutting the fat from current pop fare and wondrously mixing forgotten and beloved classics, Girl Talk has made Ke$ha, Cyrus and Gaga not only palatable... but extraordinary.

No easy feat.

I could go on for hours praising the genius of Gillis, but I encourage you to just download the entire album yourself. (Link Here)

And if you'd like to experience a truly unforgettable concert, check out Girl Talk when they come to The Pageant on January 18th. (Link Here)

FINAL GRADE? A+

Sam Bradford hasn’t brought the intense interest back to the St. Louis Rams like ownership expected. At least not yet.  There was a time where the Rams were on SportsCenter’s ‘A’ block with extended highlights and bonus breakdown analysis from a talking head.  And following a complete bone job in OT against San Francisco, the coverage on national outlets was cursory at best. But amongst fans, the people that were still actually watching the past 3 years, I think that Bradford has changed the culture significantly. We were disappointed in the loss. The past 3 seasons were expected the loss. So even thought the result was the same- the feeling about it most definitely wasn’t. At this moment, I don’t want to admit it is progress. But I suppose it is…

The Cardinals have put the screws to Brendan Ryan, claiming that if they get an opportunity to upgrade the SS position, they’re going to take a long hard look at it. While everyone admits that Ryan is a plus, plus defender, he also didn’t have a single month where his OBP was over .300. Not many position players get to keep their jobs with that low level of offensive contribution…

Movie Snot: “When in Rome”- I refuse to believe that even after spending months of their lives on this project AND being incredibly biased, that someone on this film didn’t take a look at the final print and just hang their head in shame. In fact, I’m not 100% sure what a lobotomy does to a person, but I imagine that even a hole drilled in your dome wouldn’t make this Kristen Bell flick salvageable. Further, any comedic credibility Will Arnett had from Arrested Development was completely and totally negated by his turn as an Italian artisan under some sort of magic spell. Just a brutal waste of 90 minutes. Please do yourself a favor and stay away. F+…

YouTube wins the weekend. I don’t know who spent the time to find nearly 5 minutes of people telling other people that they ‘look like shit’ on the silver screen, but they did. And now it’s here for you to marvel at- LINK HERE…

Perhaps you like watching the continuation of the Cubs ‘Winter of Failure’. So I’ll spoil this episode of ‘Yard Wars’ or whatever the hell it’s called and tell you right now that the Cubs yard loses. To the Cardinals yard. I just caught this on the re-play last night and it was glorious…

Whoever invented work was a real jack wagon…

I was listening to the Adam Carolla podcast the other day and he brings up a damn good point about elastic luggage. As in, why don’t we have such a thing? I mean, what’s the worst part of vacation? Trying to fit all your crap back into your bag to get it home. We’re always stuffing and cramming and whatnot. Meanwhile, one awkward do dad we picked up won’t freaking fit. Why not have elastic? It forms to what you want! I thought this was brilliant idea…

When I was growing up and really starting to love baseball in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, the St. Louis Cardinals were terrible.

I’ve heard antidotal evidence that Anheuser-Busch, who owned the Cards at that time, were pretty much the basis for the movie “Major League”, but since Native American’s were more palatable to make fun of, they made the Cleveland Indians the featured star.

You never, ever, make fun of the largest brewer of beer in the country. You just don’t.

So by the time October rolled around, about the only thing my young self would look forward to was seeing if Ozzie Smith could win another Gold Glove.

I don’t know why I took such a weird pride in his streak of 13 consecutive Gold Gloves, but I know that every time it was announced that he won another one it was some sort of validation that what I was watching on regular basis was more than just average shortstopping… it was gold.

This week, it was announced that Yadier Molina and Albert Pujols amongst others were recipients of the 2010 Gold Gloves. Press releases were sent out. ESPN created fancy graphics. The sports sausage was made.

Unfortunately, probably unwittingly, the Gold Glove also forever forfeited its value as a meaningful award.

Why?

TV, mostly.

Back when Ozzie was building his Fort Knox of Rawlings mitts, the Gold Glove voters were lazy. The managers would fill out the names that they thought were good, turn them in and sometimes a mild dust-up would occur in a city if someone was robbed. The rest of us? We didn’t really care. And to be honest, we didn’t know any better. The managers got to see all these teams on a regular basis… we didn’t.

Now? Well, now we do. If you want to spend the money, you can literally see every single baseball game in an entire season.  It’s all beamed, streamed and archived for ongoing analysis every day of every season.

Further, there is a whole new generation of Bill James-esque pundits and writers that are using advanced metrics to further scrutinize the award and push the thinking of what makes a great defensive player at any given position.

The voting, though? That really hasn’t changed. Give ballot to manager. Manager puts down a name he knows.

Which brings us to Derek Jeter.

The 2010 Gold Glove winner at shortstop for the American League didn’t deserve to win the award. He just didn’t.

If you go by things like the Fielding Bible or Zone Ratings, he didn’t deserve it. If you go by the eyeball test, he didn’t deserve to win it. Turns out that the only people that thought he deserved it were the managers too lazy to look at anything other than a list of names.

His named was called a day before the NL Gold Gloves were awarded. So when Yadi and Pujols got the nod you know what the reaction was?

Mild congratulations mixed in with a little “but if Jeter can win one…” line of snark mixed in. I’m sure people thought they were being funny or cute. Really, though, they were ringing the death knell for what I thought was a pretty venerable award.

From this day forward, I’m not sure that we can really ever use the Gold Glove as a standard of excellence for defense. Hell, I’m not sure that we should have ever.

That sucks.

I guess I couldn’t have been cynical enough to know better when I was younger, but it still makes me kind of sad that any time the conversation of ‘best SS of all time’ comes up, my whole 13 Gold Gloves for Ozzie argument is going to hold about as much weight as using Barry Bond’s HR’s in the ‘best hitter of all time’ debate.

Worse, yet- Jeter is going to sign a multi-million dollar free agent contract in the next couple months AND sleep with Minka Kelly.

Meanwhile, we’re left with tarnished gold.

Here at the CD, we've got a track record for accuracy. And brilliance. And moxie. And most importantly - honesty.

Which is why we had no problem posting our free agent predictions last November. Hooks, nor I, expected 100% accuracy, or even 75%. But we think we're gooder and smarter than everyone else, so nailing half of our FA predictions might have been a lofty goal, but we were shooting for greatness.

As you can see, it didn't go too well. We looked like jackasses for the first time ever. Ever. Had John Smoltz not been given that massive contract from TBS, he'd have been a Cardinal, dammit.

But we have learned from our mistakes and we are ready to tackle this 2011 free agent class, helmet to helmet. We swiped the first 25 of MLBTR's top 50, and tossed in five more wild card picks. For an extra treat, enjoy the bonus commentary from Hooks: 

1.) Cliff Lee (Hooks: Yankees. HMW: Yankees.) - Wifey will get over the drunken New Yawkers jaw boning her ear hole during the ALCS. How? Gobs and gobs of money. I think the blowback from not signing Lee in NYC would be far worse than signing him for 130 million and him turning into A.J. Burnett Jr.

2.) Carl Crawford (Hooks: Red Sox. HMW: Angels.) - The Sox juice is gone. They're a boring team. Their big ticket item from 2009, John Lackey, looks to be an expensive 3rd starter. They need some juvination. And Crawford with his exploits in the 3 hole for the Rays drove his price up to the point where only Boston and NYY have a shot. I don't think Theo let's this CC get away.

3.) Adrian Beltre (Hooks: Angels. HMW: Red Sox.)  - Too much money not to blow on a high ticket guy. Beltre has some baggage, so he'll get that 3-4 year deal for way too much, unlike Werth who will get way too much for 5-6 years.

4.) Jayson Werth (Hooks: SF. HMW: Cubs.) - The Giants flush with WS hype and cash decide to get a proven bat to go out in RF. The final determinate? His fetish of odd and bushy facial hair is finally embraced by this northern California enclave.

5.) Adam Dunn (Hooks: Nats. HMW: Rangers.) - It seems like Dunn has been rumored to be out of Washington for like 10 years, no? I have no basis for this, but I think he likes it there with the Nats. Unless Detroit comes over the top rope for him, I say he stays.

6.) Victor Martinez (Hooks: Tigers. HMW: Tigers.) - Do you think there are Latinos in Detroit that don't play on the Tigers? If you're name ends with a Z, does the community just assume you're involved with baseball? I bet they do.

7.) Rafael Soriano (Hooks: Angels. HMW: Braves.) - The Angels continue to stockpile free agents that are most certainly going to continue to force Mike Scioscia to binge eat. By 2012, he's going to be 500 lbs.

8.) Mariano Rivera (Hooks: Yankees. HMW: Yankees.) - There is literally 0% chance he goes elsewhere. If he did, Taco Bell would have to make all new XXL Chalupa ads, which aren't cheap.

9.) Paul Konerko (Hooks: White Sox. HMW: D'Backs.) - Really? Paul Konerko is in the top 10 of this list? Can we all agree that unless you get Lee or Crawford, you might as well wait until March to start signing anyone?

10.) Derek Jeter (Hooks: Yankees. HMW: Yankees.) - Right now Jeeetah is on some tropical island with Minka Kelly and you're reading a blog. Life is NOT fair.

11.) Hiroki Kuroda (Hooks: Carp. HMW: Phillies.) - Going off the board here and saying that Kuroda goes back to his Hiroshima Carp team, which has been pursuing him this off-season. Leaving the Dodgers for the Carp is perfect cap to the McCourt era.

12.) Jorge De La Rosa (Hooks: Rockies. HMW: Rangers.) - I've already exhausted my Latino humor with Victor Martinez. Perhaps, De La Rosa can announce his decision on Lopez Tonight? Would that be more entertaining that whatever else Lopez is up to? Probably.

13.) Carl Pavano (Hooks: Twins. HMW: Brewers.) - Hometown discount. Carl learned his lesson chasing the bucks last year. He likes the obscurity of living in Minnesota and only getting 3 playoff games per year.

14.) Jake Westbrook (Hooks: Cardinals. HMW: Reds.) - I say a short deal, 2 years, where he can play one behind the best hitter in baseball, pad the stats and go after that last huge 4 year deal in 2013.

15.) Aubry Huff (Hooks: Giants. HMW: Rays.) - If the Giants even come close to any other teams offers, he going back to the Giants. He somehow became the face of a team he seemed to absolutely adore.

16.) Juan Uribe (Hooks: Giants. HMW: Astros.) - The Cardinals are going to sniff around the SS, but at the end of the day, the Giants are going to cripple their next 3 years by signing Huff & Uribe to 'Thank You' contracts and realize what the 2006 Cardinals did isn't the ultimate execution of skill, but rather a fun fluke.

17.) Carlos Pena (Hooks: Cubs. HMW: Nationals.) - He looks like Derrek Lee, right? We'll just tell them that it's Derrek Lee over there at 1st base and call it an off-season.

18.) Jim Thome (Hooks: Twins. HMW: Twins.) - Jim Thome is the last of a dying breed... the white home run slugger. He needs to be with his people in the frosty northern US. Be pale, Jim. Be oh so pale.

19.) Vladimir Guerrero (Hooks: Rangers. HMW: Rangers.) - This cat was DONE when he went to the Rangers. People were honestly speculating he could be in his mid-forties and he looked every bit the part. Then something happened in Arlington this summer and the dude became a pretty valuable DH. Texas will give him 2 years at a reasonable price and keep Vlad.

20.) Manny Ramirez (Hooks: Dodgers. HMW: White Sox.) - The McCourts sell this off-season, no one offers Man-Ram a contract. He pulls and Iverson and comes back to the place he's probably still loved the most and he puts up one final decent year. Or he could go to Seattle. I have no idea. He has no idea.

21.) Magglio Ordonez (Hooks: Tigers. HMW: A's.) - The Tigers suffered through that last contract with Magglio. He owes them.

22.) Orlando Hudson (Hooks: Cardinals. HMW: Twins.) - After about 35 different flirtations with the Cardinals, he finally comes to the STL and we'll all be screaming for Skip Schumaker by May.

23.) Derrek Lee (Hooks: Rays. HMW: White Sox.) - Turnabout is only fair play. ATL has the inside track on Lee, but something tells me he will take a pay cut to go to TB and try to, you know, actually have a chance at a ring.

24.) Lance Berkman (Hooks: Mariners. HMW: Giants.) - When the F did this guy become so terrible? Wasn't it like 2 years ago he was still tearing up the NL Central and the Cardinals? Was he wildly overvalued because of his division or has he just fallen off a cliff? I can't believe he isn't better than a part-time DH.

25.) Andy Pettitte (Hooks: Yankees. HMW: Retirement.) - Easiest call on the board. He'll only play for the Yankees or Houston and the Stros suck, so he's coming back to the Yankees. And no, awww shucks Andy isn't turning down free money. He might retire next season 5 starts in, but he's getting vested in that contract first.

Wild Cards - Hooks:

1.) Brad Penny - Angels - The girl got the ring. Now she's got him dead to rights. He'll be in LA before X-Mas.

2.) Johnny Damon - Red Sox - The return of the hair.

3.) John Buck - Royals - Just because.

4.) Bill Hall - Astros - He could have 40 HR's with the Crapford Boxes in play.

5.) Kerry Wood - Yankees - The Cubs are the only club that can take a nice role player like Wood and ruin him for years with hype. Take the pomp away and Wood can now be a serviceable player on a good team.

Wild Cards - HMW:

1.) Javier Vazquez - Nationals - I think they'll nab Javy and Brandon Webb.  The DC brass will try to find someone with "name value" to put asses in the seats between April and early September, when Strasburg comes back.

2.) Brad Penny - Padres - Along the same line of thinking that Hooks is on.  I think he could be good in SD, assuming he doesn't pull another fat muscle.

3.) Bengie Molina - Reds - He hit a couple home runs in the playoffs, so the Royals could offer a 4 for $36 million deal, or something stupid. But I think Walt adds his own Molina, and maybe even the third one, just to send a message.

4.) Arthur Rhodes - Yankees - Did you see their bullpen in the playoffs? Barf city.

5.) Jeff Francis - Cardinals - It might come in late March, but after the dust settles from Albert's mega-deal in late January, this is what we get for dessert.

It's less than 11 months until Albert Pujols "LeBron's" Saint Louis and takes his talents to... well, somewhere that can put a Ballpark Village together when they have the best player of a generation.

(Random excuse to post the best YouTube clip of all time. OF ALL TIME.)

So from time to time we need to check in and see where Albert's head is at. And we'll do this through pictures and captions, because, quite frankly, it's easier to make. No one ever confused this site with hard work.

Albert?

Looks like AP is enjoying his time in the Dominican Republic, eh? I guess there is no need to panic quite yet.

It's always nice when our satire gets appreciated.

It's even better when it's spread nationally AND invloves banging on the Chicago Cubs.

Be proud Redbird Nation... we got ours: LINK HERE

Back in January, Hooks posted some paparazzi pics of Brad Penny and his dancer girlfriend Karina Smirnoff on a beach (ha - Dancing With the Stars...you thought Penny was a total sleazeball, pulling a Kris Benson there for a second, didn't you?).

It pretty much looked like a public opportunity to show off Karina's hotness, which is fine by us. Even better, Penny looked like he could have been Big Country Bryant Reeves' little brother. Although maybe the two lovebirds were on the show Blind Date, and Brad took her to the beach to play catch, knowing that she was going to wear a skimpy bikini - and have to constantly bend over to pick up the ball. Perverted Smart man, that Brad Penny is.

Fast forward to this past weekend, and the news breaks that Karina and Brad are engaged. She was at a big party in Las Vegas, showing off the ring. Thanks to OK! Magazine for providing a pic:

Yes ladies, there's a ring there (or so I've been told).

So after getting paid $7.5 million from the Cardinals last year for basically doing a month and a half of work, I guess Penny had house money to play with. He's a free agent now, and that reception isn't gonna pay for itself, sooo....time to call Boras. Unless Kyle Lohse is invited, he's got a lot of money to blow.

[As a bonus, I'll pass along this article as well. And I just want to point out to People Magazine that I know what 6'4", 230 looks like. Either he's not actually 6'4", or Brad Penny hasn't been 230 in ten years. At least.]

CBS has a show called "Undercover Boss" where CEO's and other corporate big shots of companies go and do the grunt work for several days and then learn to love their gilded life a big more (?).

Let's be honest- it's pretty much an hour-long infomercial on national TV.

But when Undercover Boss visited the Chicago Cubs this summer... we knew they were going to heap a healthy helping of FAIL on us.

They didn't disappoint.

Some highlights from last night's premiere where part-owner Todd Ricketts was the 'undercover boss':

+ Wrigley Field bathrooms are cleaned with a fire hose and, apparently, purple drank:

+ At first glance the 'crew clubhouse' appears to be a tremendous hellhole. But then you notice the Nomar Garciaparra jeresy tee hanging out and realize that we literally might be seeing hell.

Click READ MORE to get to the rest of this story...

Earlier this week we brought you THIS STORY about the U2 stage and how it's going to require the Cardinals completely re-sod the entire field after the July show.

Today, courtesy of my cousin's Facebook page, here's a rending I will now post here and gain the glory from:

HT: Matt Fields