There comes a time in every fans life where they need to take a step back, look at the man in the mirror and consider just what the hell they're doing with their lives.

When you're collecting sports-themed marbles?

Yes. That would be an applicable circumstance. When you start actively bidding on said marbles? Perhaps skipping ahead to the "therapy" would be more appropriate.

Let's go to the eBay:


Thank heavens for expedited shipping!

But what does this gem look like?

Even the pictures of the marble are tiny. How devilishly cute.

I suppose for the outlay of cash, this particular item of Cardinals Crapmas isn't as drastic as say the slippers from Day 1 (link below), but still. You're ordering Cardinals emblazoned marbles off the internet?

Daniel Tosh is in your not so distant future, my friend.
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Read Day 1 HERE

Read Day 2 HERE

Read Day 3 HERE

It's probably sacrilegious to give a Cardinal fan something with the Cubs' logo on it...but this is Cardinal Crapmas we're talking about. And well, this gift is...is something:
In honor of the Redbirds' new #3, on the third day of Cardinal Crapmas, we present to you the 2010 Ryan Theriot bobblehead, in which he's in fishing gear, on a boat (motherfucker!) sponsored by Juicy Fruit.

This was an actual giveaway at the actual Wrigley Field - not a Peoria Chiefs game, that would make too much sense - in June of this past season. Just like all the other sound decisions that Cubbie management is known for, they spent the money to have 10,000 of these made, then traded Theriot a month an a half later.

It's really a fun gift no matter how you look at it:

1) It symbolizes Cubs Failure.
2) It's the weirdest bobblehead of all time - ever.
3) It makes a great gift for those who love Brendan Ryan, because of the two reasons above.
4) Or if you didn't care much for Brendan Ryan, but can't figure out what Cardinal management is thinking this offseason, it symbolizes their 2011 march to third place mediocrity.
5) If you have a cat, they will probably freak out if you put this in front of them.
6) It would actually look funny sitting on the edge of your bathtub.


Despite the Cubs logo splotched all over this thing, we give it the thumbs up. Your Cardinal Crapmas list needs a versatile, scrappy gift, and this bobblehead works hard and gets the job done.

And you'll probably be ripping off Theriot's head by May 15th, so problem solved.

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Read Day 1 HERE

Read Day 2 HERE

You've got a favorite drink.

You've got a favorite show.

You've got some kick ass bros.

You even ball with celebrities whenever you fuckin' feel like it.


So why not buy the shirt that whoops the living fuck out of all otha' Cawd'nal shirts, brah?

Lesson learned: everyone, even the emerging Bro Demographic of St. Louis, will be marketed to by MLB and the Cardinals.

No one is safe. No one.


(incoming lobbed softball...)

Of course it has "K. Greene 3" on the back, come on.

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Read Day 1 HERE

All of a sudden, it's December 13th and we're pretty damn close to Christmas. And it's time to quit being selfish bastards for two weeks, and buy something for your loved ones (or your wife, heh heh /old white guy sitcom joke).

Last year we did this feature because of two things:

1) MLB knows that people will buy whatever they toss out online and in stores all over the country, thus a lot of useless crap is available for purchase.
2) You like it when we're jerks.

To continue this new tradition, on the first day of Cardinal Crapmas 2010, here are some Boat Shoes by Allen Edmonds (no he doesn't wear half-shirts), from MLBShop.com:

Wow, those are ugly. Your grandpa would pass on wearing these, and he wears powder blue pants that end at his knees when he sits down.

They might be kind of cool if they were slippers to wear around the house in the winter. But actual shoes that you'd wear in everyday life?  I don't hear about people getting beat up at Schnucks too often, but I think if I just wore these to the store once, I'd get pummeled before getting to the produce section.

Though I guess for the right price, my mom would order a pair for me for...

$124.99

WHHHAAATTT!? EDMONNNNDDSS!

Brendan Ryan is gone.


Sunday the Cardinals traded the shortstop to the Seattle Mariners for a pitcher that probably will never wear a Cardinals uniform named Maikel Cleto, but if he does it won't be in 2011. So for the purpose of this discussion, the Cardinals wanted to get rid of Brendan Ryan and they did so with impunity.

To many, this was akin to puppy murder. The Cardinals were turning their back on the most lovable lug to ever don the interlocking STL.

I happen to not be in this group of Ryan fanatics. In fact here are 3 things I know for sure.

1) Ryan hit under .200 most of the 2010 season and ended up sub .225 batting and sub .300 OBP. Even if you're hitting 12th that's pathetic. Perhaps a nagging wrist injury contributed to this offensive decline, but Ryan squashed roughly 300 thousand rallies in 2010 with an untimely strike out or failed bunt attempt.

2) Tony LaRussa yelled at Brendan Ryan in 2010. So did Chris Carpenter and Albert Pujols. Those are just the people we know about. Something about Brendan Ryan rubs a lot of co-workers the wrong way. Perhaps its the same qualities that make him so endearing to fans that grates on the nerves of the people he's with day in and out.

3) Ryan was good defensively. In fact, he's probably in the top 3 of NL SS's with the leather. The fans that say the Cardinals don't value defense and this is proof? Well all the Cards got for Ryan was a Class A project. So that tells me a whole boatload of people also don't value defense either.

Here's the bottom line: Brendan Ryan wasn't going to make or break the Cardinals in 2011.

He just wasn't.

And because Cardinal fans love baseball, woke up to 4 inches of snow and word that a fan favorite was being dumped for nothing, they railed against the move. And while I certainly think that Ryan could have been a valuable 100 game guy in TLR's manic line-up shuffle, his absence won't be nearly as noticeable as people would like to think.

Wish him luck. Root for the guy if you want. Send him some cyber-hugs.

But please, oh please, don't think that this is that big of a deal. Because it isn't.

Jayson Stark decided that the whole Werth/Crawford/Lee excitement wasn’t enough for the Hot Stove, kicked the rock the Cardinals front office hides under and flashed a bazillion watt spotlight right on them.

“Just 10 weeks. That's how long the Cardinals have to make all of this a moot point. If we're still asking, 10 weeks from now, what Albert Pujols is worth, it means the incomprehensible could turn to fact in the snap of a few fingers:

Sir Albert really could spend the rest of his Hall of Fame career with no giant arch within a thousand miles.”

PANIC!

ZOMG! PANIC HARD!!

The Cardinals seem to be using the ‘please, God, please can that whole double dip recession deal start in the 2011 season?’ approach to negotiating. Because after a Jason Werth or a Carl Crawford gets a 150 million dollar deal… well, the Cardinals? The Cardinals are in a bit of trouble.

Here’s how this plays out:

1) Albert doesn’t sign this off-season. He starts spring training by closing down these tepid, at best, talks he’s been having with the Cards brass this off-season.

2) The Cardinals don’t trade Albert. The value of the 2 premium picks they’ll get back from a team if he does leave will be of more value than what they can get from renting him to a team for 3 months in 2011. Further Albert is a 10/5 guy, meaning he has the right to veto a trade he doesn’t like. Even further, the Cardinals might as well burn John Goodman at the stake if they trade Albert Pujols in the prime of his career. And we all know how much St. Louis LOVES John Goodman.

3) Albert becomes a free agent in November of 2011.

4) The Cardinals make a strong first offer.  Think 7 years/ 190-210 million dollars. They tell every media outlet that this is offer and play the dangerous game of putting this decision on Albert. They position themselves as the team that is doing EVERYTHING to keep him a Cardinal for life and extending him a HUGE deal and if ALBERT wants to get 300 million over 10 years from someone else… then that’s on him. The Cardinals wouldn’t be the bad guys. Noooooo, Albert is the one that has to scorn the fans of STL.

5) TBD. Part of me thinks Albert wants to be a Cardinal for life and understands his importance to the city and team. Another part of me says that Albert can’t leave 100 million on the table if the Angels or Cubs want to make him the centerpiece of their franchise for the next 8-10 years.

Whatever happens, once Lee is signed, the Pujols free agent flap will be officially started by ESPN and it’s hype machine.

I don’t think the Cardinals are ready for this. I really don’t. The Cowboys, Yankees, Red Sox… these people deal with this intense focus all the time. But the Cardinals AWW SHUCKS, come on guys, type of media personality that plays well in the Midwest it going to be tested and probably exploited by Albert Pujols and his agent team.

One thing is certain… this is going to be interesting.

The MLB Winter Meetings are transpiring in Orlando right now. 

Mmmm. Smell the bureaucracy now. I bet uncle Bud is spinning yarns about the olden days where players were paid 10 thousand dollars a year… and LOVED it.

Truth be told, I have no idea what happens in these ‘meetings’. In fact, an Uncle Bud story hour is no more or less plausible than what MLB is actually doing down there. Hell, would anyone be surprised if this was just a ruse to get Hank and Hal Steinbrenner on the Tea Cups for the NY Post to have in their back pocket in case Cliff Lee turns into the next A.J. Burnett?

So perhaps they’re having the following meetings already, but if not…

• The “why the hell is the World Series played in November again” meeting.
• The “in the age of Skype, why exactly are cash strapped teams taking crews of people down to Florida when they could do everything they wanted to do for free over the internet” meeting.
• The “thank God Albert Haynesworth plays in the NFL” meeting.
• The “when can we get the juice back in the game because, quite frankly, it was a lot more fun seeing 700 foot cockshots every game” meeting.
• The “seriously, they fired Joe Morgan, this isn’t a joke, this is real life” meeting.
• The “over under on the date Stephen Strasburg tears something in 2011 and the Greg Oden jokes start getting made on sports talk radio” meeting.
• The “critical analysis of the ‘Undercover Boss’ episode that featured a mile and half of fail from the Chicago Cubs” meeting.
• The “come the F on Washington, do you really think that Jayson Werth is going to get a single butt in a seat slash where are we moving this franchise next” meeting.

I suppose we could go on.

But if we stuck to these, I think it’d be a much more productive way to spend owners and GM’s time over the cold, hard winter months.

Just a suggestion.

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Tony LaRussa will be back in 2011 for another year as the Cardinals manager.

Many were rapturous at this news. Many others, who happen to be more vocal, were more subdued. But at the end of the day, does it really matter?

A short column in the Wall Street Journal by Christopher Shea has revealed that baseball managers just might not be that important one way or another. Granted, the study doesn’t take umbrage with the position itself (yet), instead wonders if any one manager is better than the next guy.

Or you.

More data needs to be flushed out, but we thought it was an interesting idea to get your sucky Tuesday off to a less-sucky start.

Or not.

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Because you can't get enough of the nasal stylings of one athooks, you should tune in tonight to the I-70 Baseball roundtable.

We're going to be talking about all sorts of crap that you love, but hopefully we'll also be able to squeeze in some discussion about how awesome I am as well.

Truly a win/win for everybody.

LINK TO AUDIO HERE

And if you can't be there live (10p CST Tonight 12/6/10), then you should be able to reach the audio at the above link for a finite period of time. Feel free to join in on the online chat that happens with the show as well.

Thank you kindly.

Many props to HMW for "Albert Week". He took an idea we had about a month ago to fill some time in these pretty boring winter months and slayed it. Hopefully you enjoyed most, if not all of it, but in case you missed something...

Highlights of "Albert Week"

+ Hooks sings.
+ Writers including Tim McKernan and Will Leitch predict Albert's future.
+ Trumbsy imagines the Cardinals future clubhouse.
+ FWC writes a love letter to AP.
+ The Mad Librarian makes a point, while HMW makes a counter.

Plus there was tons of other stuff. Feel free to troll around the site and see what you missed.

One thing we did miss was this petition over at MVPujols where people are encouraged to sign and let the Cardinals know why they need to make Bert a Cardinal for life. And even if you don't feel that way, the outpouring of lunacy is pretty staggering, so check it out and sign it, if you're so inclined.

SEE PETITIION HERE

Perhaps we'll have a theme week again, sometime soon. Perhaps not. But at the end of the day, we've at least ruined The Hangover for you forever. So we'll hang our hats on that.