Cardinal fans are insane.

Oh, you want proof. We've got proof. Make sure to click the link to get the whole tune. And for those that have never lurked on to a message board before, this is sung to the tune of "American Pie". Also, God's Speed.

@2xAught7 of Tipping Pitchers passed along this gem today. LINK HERE

We've come to the end of the road.

The Bachelorette season final rumble of love is on. Chris, the good guy Vs Roberto, Satan's spawn. Or at least the guy I've got money against. We handicapped the odds for these guys winning earlier today, but now were' an hour away from the decision.

We've skipped past the family dates, since these guys know what they needed to do to win over mom and dad and both passed with flying colors. I'm not opposed to hiring actors to play the parents and just fucking with these guys for the hell of it. I mean, Chris and Roberto have been kissing Ali's ass for 8 weeks now. What's one afternoon with the parents? They don't have 1/8 of the BS detector that Ali's built up to this schmaltz at this point. They're roadkill.

Cut to 1 hour mark. All reactions are in real time...

1:02- "I love going on machines that go really fast." Ali, says.

1:05- Are we absolutely sure that Ali didn't get implants before the finale? If not, whoever made that pink bikini should not only be extraordinarily wealthy come next summer, but if there is justice in the world, awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom.

1:06- A torrential downpour ruins a picnic, but both Roberto and Ali agree that it's the most romantic moment of their lives. Fuck. Looks like Chris is all but on life support at this point. I've been on the beach when it rains. And it sucks. Hard. These two are in the zone... my 20 dollar bet on Chris to win? All but gone at this point.

1:10- "I've never met a man like him my whole life. That's how I describe you." Again, fuck.

1:12- Roberto busts out their first picture with a written poem on the back? The BIG GUNS! If Chris is watching this and wondering how he didn't win... I think this 5 minute stretch should make him feel better. You can't beat MJ in his prime. Chris is Byron Russel's ankle tonight.

1:16- We have an L Bomb. Ali's heart is exploding out of her chest. She loves Roberto. She's found everything she's ever wanted. Did I miss the final rose ceremony? Has it already happened?

1:20- NO DATE FOR CHRIS!? Are you kidding me? Hell Roberto is Jordan, Pujols, Ruth and Unitas all in one. She doesn't want to even leave Roberto? Roommate (also straight, PS) claims "she got a healthy hogging last night". So did my wallet, friend.

1:23- I've been here, this sounds like a dumping... CLICK READ MORE below for the rest

Skip this article completely if you don’t watch the Bachelorette or you are a repressed homosexual that can’t fathom a sporting blog would write a 1100 word expository on one the great television shows of our time and insticnticly feel the need to crack gay jokes at such a piece to feel comfortable knowing your hetero relationship is a sham on par with Don and Betty Draper nee whatever it is now.

Ali Fedotowsky.

Mark Zuckerberg.

One slept with two guys in 48 hours and was about to make it 3 in 72 before Frank begged off a TV show. The other (perhaps) created Facebook, a mildly popular social networking site. On the surface, these two shouldn’t have anything in common, but in reality TV all things are possible. And the richest man under 30 in America inadvertently turned Ms. Fedotowsky into America’s sweetheart by ruling his company with a Stalin-esque brutality when it comes to personal time.

Last year during filming for ‘The Bachelor’ Ali was one of the 25 women competing for the love of Jake, a strapping asexual man that has the personality of a garden spade. Ali auditioned for the show on a whim, made the final cut and decided to take her full 2 week allotment of vacation from her job to pursue this intriguing opportunity.

Her employer? Facebook.

Much to her and our surprise, Ali felt some level of attraction to Jake. And after 2 weeks on the show, she had to choose. Leave Facebook and gamble on love. Leave love and ride the social media monolith. She chose wisely, leaving the Bachelor pad to go back to work. Jake said he was crushed. Nobody believed that he liked women. Or men.

Then Ali got back to Facebook and realized that love rules all. So she quit and went back to the house. Sort of. Because Jake didn’t really let her back because of the whole not wanting to make love with anyone but instead save all his sperm for the fateful day when he needs to impregnate the entire US to save the world from an eminent disaster. I have no doubt Jake has thoughts like this. At the end of the day, Ali was out of love and out of a job.

ABC pulled her off the ledge and made her the Bachelorette. CLICK READ MORE below to read the rest 

If Ludwick plays like he has and Westbrook pitches like he has, the Cardinals got jobbed. If Westbrook becomes a guy that goes 6-7 innings without giving up more than 4 runs a game, then the Cardinals probably got what they needed. Ludwick was one of the most popular Cardinals, if not the most popular Cardinal in the clubhouse, so this was an evaluation that Ludwick, while a good player, wasn’t worth more to the team than a cheap Jon Jay. They may be right. They may be miserably wrong (watching Ludwick do it all on SportsCenter last night didn’t help the latter) But it is why they get paid the big money to make those calls…

Movie Snot: “Youth In Revolt”. Please, somebody, anybody get Michael Cera a movie with a plot. Ostensibly, this movie is the anti-Super Bad. Cera, plays a high school virgin, awash in self-pity when he comes across the female version of movie Cera. They have witty and sharp dialogue that is, if not always amusing, well delivered and at least thoughtful. Cera is incredibly deft with his soft-voiced, acid-tongued delivery and in Youth In Revolt, the writers counted so much on this talent that they introduced a second, mustachioed Cera to carpet bomb us with pith.

But back to the main point- the plot was flimsier than the East St. Louis 9-1-1 response time. Without spending too much time exposing plot details, Cera’s character burns a trailer down, re-locates his dad’s job, sends a car over a cliff and poisons his love interests drink daily... to get laid. Once. All this is done in a non-hijinx manner where the action is expository to the plot. Meaning we’re to take these actions at face value as specific story touchstones that move Cera down the path of pussy. Ray Liota’s stretched canvas face also makes an appearance. The point is, the movie was OK. Better than probably 70% of the fare currently OnDemand. But Cera can’t play these bumbling high school neophytes forever, so someone needs to get cracking on a script that incorporates his obvious talents into a story that’s more satisfying than this. Or at least show some boobs. B-/C+…

The Cardinals have 13 more games against the Pirates this season. That is very good news…

Speaking of Pirates, Sam Bradford’s agents raped, pillaged and plundered the Rams for every spare dollar the franchise had lying around this weekend. Then flipped over the office couch cushions and took the change that fell out, too.  Bradford got roughly 7 million dollars more guaranteed money than 2009’s number one pick, Mary Stafford. And correct me if I’m wrong here, but doesn’t the economy stink still? Or are we good now and nobody told me? Good for Bradford, don’t fault the guy a bit for getting what he can.

But as a Rams fan, I have no idea if Bradford is the best QB of all time or the next Tim Couch. So putting everything on this guys shoulders is probably the most foolish thing the Rams could do. And that’s why it’s fucked up- because they HAD to do this. It’s the way the system is set up. And if Bradford busts, the Rams are SOOOO decimated for the next 10 years, it’ll give you chills thinking about it. The NFL is going to change this before 2011. And frankly, they need to. I’m scared to death for Bradford. And he made more money yesterday then everyone reading this site will make in their entire lives. Combined…

Jon Jay is no longer a ‘nice surprise’, he’s the starting right fielder. And a different set of expectations comes with that responsibility…

I didn’t see one second of the Cardinals TENTH shutout of the season yesterday afternoon. Ten out of 102 games played the Cardinals have failed to score a run with Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday anchoring line-up.

That’s 9.8% of the total games played.

Just an unfathomable number of games for a team with this line-up to have for a season, let alone 100 and a couple of games in. The closest correlation I can personally attest to is the futility of my employer’s slow pitch softball league.

• READ TOP 10 THINGS EFFING THE CARS SEASON on ISTL

We are the worst team. By far. I don’t think we’ve had a girl hit the ball past the pitcher’s mound the whole season. The men (besides yours truly) are lucky to get it to the grass. We’re an abomination of athletics by every measurable and intangible form of judgment. But somehow we manage to average 3 runs a game out of sheer force of will.

Of course we’re getting 10 run ruled in the third or fourth inning most nights… but we’re out there making a couple of plate crossings happen with a talent shortfall greater than the US Budget. How do the Cardinals, with some not so bad talent manage to populate the scoreboard with so many goose eggs?

Maybe these guys really don’t care. Maybe TLR’s message is getting stale. Maybe the lack of clubhouse leadership is worse than we thought. But getting shut out once every 10 games has to reflect poorly on the guile of this team, not matter how you slap chop it.

Now, the Friday Links…

• The new site dedicated to meaningless tee shirts. A HUGE peeve of mine. LINK HERE
• Creative. Disturbing. Everything all in one. LINK HERE
• The intenet takes you back to a time where Hippy's had kitchens. LINK HERE
• Jon Jay fans- this is a digital card from out buddies over at More Hardball. LINK HERE
• I like the cops. In Sweeden, though. LINK HERE
• The North Korean World Cup head coach has a new job... a builder. The team? Shamed. LINK HERE
• How coins are made. LINK HERE

Have a big weekend people. Try not to get arrested or injured. And whatever you do... don't get shutout.

It’s been awhile since we’ve paid a visit to my favorite cranky cat, so I’m going to sharpen up a nice stick and poke him with it. No time to waste!

Adam Wainwright on the Road – I was watching ESPN yesterday and they were doing an analysis of Waino’s home and away records this season. He’s 10-0 at home and 4-6 on the road. To break this down further, he’s given up only 2 homers, 11 earned runs and 15 walks at Busch, but sprinkled 9 homers, 27 earned runs and 24 walks across the rest of the country. This guy REALLY likes to play in St. Louis. And listen, I can respect that. But unless he’s able to develop the stamina necessary to pitch entire homestands, I suggest he pull himself together and learn an appreciation for travel. SOMEONE GET HIM A ZAGAT GUIDE!

Flying – Speaking of traveling, I’ve actually done quite a bit of that myself over the past month or so with varying degrees of success. I got held up with weather delays, mechanical delays, “oh-crap-the-plane-isn’t-here” delays, spontaneous Southwest employee dance party delays, etc. I would rather stick a curling iron in my ear than go back to O’Hare airport right now and stand in line for security. That place is like a black hole/concentration camp hybrid from which there is no escape.

Roy Oswalt Rumors - You know what? I wish I’d heard nothing about Oswalt’s interest in St. Louis. As the trade deadline approaches and a move for the Astro’s ace seems less and less likely, I find myself being disproportionately disgruntled. I mean, there weren’t any guarantees, so I have no idea why I got myself all emotionally invested in the fairy tale. The fact that I allowed myself to indulge in elaborate fantasies about Waino, Carp and Oswalt combining forces in the post-season is my own stupid fault. Yet, I find myself irrationally offended as the situation swings against the Cardinals’ favor. I’m a huge jackass.

Trying to Be Responsible – I had the distinct pleasure of attending a concert with a few of my favorite ladies this past Saturday. This being close to an hour drive away and us being borderline alcoholics, we weren’t confident in our abilities to get to and from the concert on our own volition. Therefore, we decided to be grown ups and hire ourselves a car service to get us to the show and back. Naturally, the fine folks responsible for our trip bungled the reservation, which I handled with about as much patience and dignity as that reserved for cable company employees. DAMN YOU, STRETCH LIMO OF CHICAGO! That was precious drinking time you stole from me!

Johan Santana’s First Inning Against the Cardinals’ Bipolar Bats – Woooboy! That was fun! (Not least of all because it gave me the opportunity to watch Yadier Molina run the bases, which I happen to find endlessly entertaining.) LOOK HOW GOOD WE ARE, GUYS!!! That half inning was a nice change of pace after nearly throwing a lamp through my TV during both Saturday and Sunday’s games. (How many baserunners got stranded in Chicago, anyway? GEESH.) Of course, I was back to screaming my head off like someone had impaled me with a rake by the bottom of the eighth inning (BOGGGGGGSSSSSSSS!!!), but still. That was a very special time for me.

What could have been. We knew in our heart of hearts that it wasn't going to happen, but we still got excited.

As word trickles in that the Philadelphia Phillies are thiiiiiis close to sealing a deal with the Astros for the services of one Roy Oswlat… it’s become painfully clear that the team you see now with ‘Cardinals’ emblazoned on their chest is the team that will either not win or win the World Series.

Rumors persist that fringe players like Miguel Tejada could be acquired, but anything other than trading for Dan Haren (already happened) or Roy Oswalt was going to disappoint The Nation.

Sigh.

It’s gotten hard to root for the Cardinals in 2010. And last night is a incredibly apt microcosm of why.

6 runs off of Johan Santana in the first inning? Hell yes! This team is so stacked. 1 run in the next 11 innings? WTF! This team sucks. Did this group of asshats really blow that lead- I hate these bums. Pujols comes through in the clutch again!!! That’s a winner!

When it gets to the point that wins feel like losses, It’s pretty much a sure sign that something is wrong.

But what? What is wrong?

That’s the problem. We start bitching about hitting and the Cardinals show they can destroy top flight pitching. We start bitching about pitching and Wainwright, Carpenter and Garcia go out and pitch 27 innings of 3 run ball. We zig… they zag. And at the end of the day nobody, not even the Cardinals, know what the hell to make of this team.

I suppose it’s encouraging that the Cardinals have shown that they can put it all together for a stretch of time. And after Saturday it will be officially up to only the 40 guys on the roster now to make it into and through the playoffs.

The Cardinals play today @ 11:30, if you have any idea what they’re planning on doing, let us all know. We’d appreciate it.

What’s better than doing work? NOT doing work.

We tickled your curious bone with the story on Monday that former beloved Cardinals Catcher Mike Matheny was in deep shit with the bank and that his manse here in the STL was being auctioned by the bank. I called on our friends at Punching Kitty to get more details about the situation and where we stand now with the whole bloody ordeal.

Friends… They didn’t unearth good news.

• MIKE MATHENY FORECLOSURE UPDATE HERE

Also, since the Cardinals decided to win games at the most opportune time for us, the fans, the STL Cardinals are giving away 8K tickets via their website @ 10a CST today. Click on the link below and see if you can’t score a couple of free seats.

Be warned that everyone and their mother will be on the Cardinals site at 10a, so expect this to be a bigger clusterfuck than Mike Matheny’s real estate ventures.

• FREE CARDINAL TICKETS GIVEN AWAY TODAY HERE

The boss over at SB Nation is taking some time away from the office this week, so he’s cracking the whip and demanding two articles from us on the Rams. So that means you get the pleasure of watching me tear the heart out of the marketing department of the Rams today.

I think anyone that’s been to a Rams game in the past 10 years will appreciate the list I’ve put together. Like it if you want, re-tweet if you would.

• THE HISTORY OF HOW THE RAMS KEEP EMBARASSING ST. LOUIS

Last-

Rootbeer returned to the scene of the crime (sorta) and got dealt what the Mets hoped for back in 2006. It was a poor pitching performance, yes. But even the best have an off night.

More troublesome was, again, the silence of the bats. The Cardinals had a chance for a big first inning and only managed 1 run. Then… NOTHING.

We’ve got a tie for first place in the NL Central and it’s July 28. Expect a Cardinal Confidence Meter to be up and running soon.

Mr. Jose Alberto Pujols was up to some late night grab ass with Letterman last night. Here's the video:

From the excellent website Punching Kitty comes this tid-bit about former Cardinals catcher Mike Matheny: his house is in foreclosure and is or has been recently put up for public auction. Can we get PK to find out more about this story, please? Did this house sell? How the hell did Matheny get in this situation after only being retired a couple of seasons? Can we take up a collection outside a game next week?...

Sunday morning I watched an interview with Whitey Herzog and Bob Costas and one of the things that Whitey stressed was how much his teams actually worked on base running. Obviously this was boring to the MLB Network producers, since they edited out some of the more granular detail, but you could still tell how passionate he was on this one aspect of his job. Fast forward to 2010 and the Cardinals might be one of the worst base running teams of ALL-TIME. Just last night, 2 guys were gunned out at home and Matt Holliday and Ryan Ludwick both missed opportunities to score after getting turned around on the base paths with fly balls. It’s just brutal to watch. Let’s hope Whitey got to be early after a big day and didn’t watch the game…

For a million dollars, Flip Lopez might be one of the best deals in MLB…

Jeff Suppan and Blake Hawksworth are doing their best to convince Johnny Mo that he needs to get cracking on bringing in Roy Oswalt to the Cardinals. The longer the Birds keep running out punching bags 2 out of 5 games, the longer the Reds will stick around in the NL Central. Let’s be real here, the Cubs are not a good team. And great teams absolutely FEAST on the bottom feeders. The Cardinals are lucky to not get swept. Plus the horrible, horrible trade that the Angels got the D’Backs to sign off on for Dan Haren should lower the price for Oswalt. Let’s do this…

Between Jon Jay’s ill-advised dive, Skip’s error and missed double plays all night, the Cardinals are proving to be one of the weakest defensive teams up the middle, no matter what combination of players are thrown out there. Maybe David Freese’s return helps get the middle infield in more of a platoon and the Cardinals get lucky with players getting better not playing everyday? I know, terrible solution. But what are the other options? Ryan and Shumaker are pretty much toxic assets. Can’t trade ‘em. Can’t waive ‘em. We’re just going to hope they get better…

Let’s hope this is the year Carpenter actually get’s in a fight. He likes to yell a lot and seems to want to punch somebody, so let’s see him unload and if he can do much damage…

Can we figure out a way for every Pujols at bat broadcast on ESPN. I would have seriously bet 50 bucks that Pujols was going yard after the pre-game package that showed him struggling in the cage and requesting extra BP after his session. Sure enough, he cranks one out…