You want to feel old? 

Like really old? 

Well 21 years ago today, Feb 20th 1992, The Simpsons provided FOX with their first ever prime time with the now classic episode "Home At The Bat", besting The Cosby Show and the Winter Olympics from Albertville. 

It was a time where Jose Canseco was used unironically and Ozzie Smith, ahem, still had all his Gold Gloves. 

Erik Malinowksi of Deadspin wrote an entire retrospective on the episode (LINK HERE), but I wanted to point out the Wizzard's excerpt:

 

St. Louis Cardinals shortstop Ozzie Smith stopped by in early September with his Bart impersonating son Nikko, who himself wound up on Fox television 14 years later as an American Idol finalist. "I knew he was a Simpsons fan and had the Bart thing  down pretty good," Smith told me, "but I didn't know he could do anything like that. " Smith also made sure to work through his script beforehand, unlike his peeved Centerfielder. "I worked on those lines, even though there wasn't really a whole lot  of them," he says. "I just wanted to get the inflections in the right place."

Hard to believe that the Simpsons is still going strong and that a whole group of people were born the day this aired are now allowed to legally drink. 

Last week, Obama ordered a drone strike against our hearts, we bore witness to an errant eyebrow kerfuffle and sparkle? TAKEN. 

But Tierra wasn't lying when she said men love her, because she's already engaged. Seriously.

This week?

It's hometown date week.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression... Head & Shoulders VALIDATED.

7:04 - Lots of unanswered questions about this 'marriage' of AshLee's. Like did the city clerk not ask for an ID? Did they still go to prom? Did the bride double as the flower girl?

7:12 - Show of hands... Who knew the twist tonight would be Jeff Fisher being AshLee's dad?

7:16 - Friends, that's what you call a hard close from Coach. Even had the crocodile tear come down the cheek. Dick Vermeil is somewhere, happy.

7:25 - I've spent 5 minutes trying to come up with a semi-family friendly fish slash Bachelor joke. Mercy. Insert your own joke here.

7:35 - Big Sis? More like a big cock block. But the more important question is why the back of the refrigerator facing the dining room? Somebody call the Property Brothers ASAP.

7:50 - I don't know what y'all are talking about. Looks like the Army is pretty cool to me. Didn't know you got to make out and stuff during basic training. 

8:00 - That moment when you ask the General to marry his first born can be awkward. Handled it like a pro. 

8:09 - Wait, the tent isn't in the canyon? 

                            

John Morris played for the Cardinals from 1986-1990 (274 games to be exact) and had a nice little career for himself.

I had forgotten about John Morris until I fell down the YouTube rabbit hole and ended up on Morris doing an impression of Kirk Gibson's famous 1988 World Series home run. 

At some point, every moment ever will be on YouTube.

Let's take a look a some of the news items from Week 1 of Cardinals Spring Training. 

ITEM 1: Cardinals are moving from Jupiter. 

It is what it is. 

I don't have a tie to Jupiter. Only know it from Twitpics and news coverage. But it always sucks to lose a team as a city. 

That being said, they are moving. You can't keep playing games when there isn't anyone to play games with. So the Cards will have to go to a city that has more teams around. 

ITEM 2: Cardinals extend Matheny & Mo. 

Had to do it.

Having a manger on a one year deal isn't going to fly in professional sports, so picking up Matheny's option was a no-brainer. In fact, I'm a little surprised that an extension wasn't announced. 

And Mo deserves it. Dude came in with some pretty big shoes to fill. And hasn't missed a beat. Plus he's beefed up the farm system and survived an icon leaving town because of a contract. If he fulfills this contract, I think he surpasses Walt Jocketty in terms of accomplishments.

ITEM 3: Ballpark Village is getting a rodeo bar.

Oh man. Is this going to be popular or what? This might be the most popular thing in the history of downtown. And I'm pretty sure that Journey will have a similar themed bar open by 2016. That would be the only thing to usurp this as the king.

How many times are you going to venture into this place? 

Now, the Friday Links...

The women of LA. LINK HERE

Playing Jeopardy! like a boss. LINK HERE

Wife of Pi. LINK HERE

Facebook status. LINK HERE

Gorillas and a caterpillar. LINK HERE

Don't get too close. LINK HERE

That's it. That's the week. Things happened. Things will happen. But know that we're here for you and love you no matter what.

Last week we gave death a deep tease, only to be brought back to life by a ginger. Tierra made the best case yet for the right to choose. And Sean got turned off by photos of prostheses. 

                         

Winter isn't over.  

We'll wait until Opening Day to bury the season. But Day 1 of pitchers and catchers reporting is a landmark date. One where we can finally start rinsing out the taste of that NLCS our of our mouths. 

With the recent (sort-of) retirement of #2 Chris Carpenter, the Cardinals begin their 2013 story with a dearth of locked in starters and a plethora of pitchers looking to define their label. Let's see where we stand on Day 1:

1 - Adam Wainwright

2 - Jake Westbrook

3 - Jamie Garcia

4 - Lance Lynn

5 - Joe Kelly 

6 - Shelby Miller

7 - Trevor Rosenthal

Now that's Day 1. This is going to change for sure before we get to April. And spots 3-7 are still in question. Jamie Garcia has been cagy about his health. Lance Lynn was an All-Star in 2012 and also got benched for under performance. He has trimmed down and should be a starter.

The 5th spot is tricky.

As camp starts, Joe Kelly has the upper hand, just because he was a pretty valuable fireman for the Cardinals as a long-reliever and a starter when Lance Lynn busted. Manager Mike Matheny will reward Kelly with giving him the opportunity to loose his spot in the rotation.

Problem is, both Miller and Rosenthal are more talented arms than Kelly. They have the tools to be quality starters in 2013 for the Cardinals.... but will they do enough to prove it before the team sets the rotation?

The main focus of Spring Training 2013 is going to be Oscar Taveras. 

And it should be.

But the race for the rotation is going to be heated. And starting later today, 4 guys will be playing for 2 spots. 

Welcome back, baseball. 

You like Adam Wainwright? You want to see him in a Cardinals uniform through and beyond 2013? 

Well those freaking Mariners aren't making it easy.

Reports of a 7 year, 175 million dollar contract for Felix Hernandez seem to be false. It's more like a 5 year, 135.5 million dollar extension. Or an average of 27.1 million dollars per season. Or about 15.1 million dollars more than Adam Wainwright will make in 2013.

THE GOOD:

Wainwright is 31. King Felix is 26. So if he goes the full 7 years he's signed for, he'll only be 33 when it comes off the books. Wainright will probably be looking at a 4, possibly 5 year contract after 2013.

Wainwright is a pretty loyal guy. I know, I know... loyal to the next paycheck, right? But unlike Pujols or Holliday, where it was an obvious open bidding process, Wainwright will give the Cardinals the first crack at making him a part of their future. He's been candid about wanting to be in STL. And knows that making 8 figures in the Midwest goes pretty far.

Wainwright wasn't that good in 2012. Numbers don't lie and a 14-13/3.94 ERA/1.248 WHIP aren't the kind of numbers that get 'ace' money. This is leverage for the Cardinals. A pedestrian start in 2013 might tip Wainwright to sign a favorable contract earlier than he should.

Kyle Lohse. Still not signed. Mainly because of the draft pick compensation. Wainwright leaving would net the Cardinals the same compensation. 

THE BAD:

We're right in the middle of another MLB silly period. Teams are signing new TV deals that are bonkers. Owners will want names. And if someone goes over the top for Wainwright, the Cardinals will have to pass.

The Cardinals also seem to be committed to their farm system more now than ever. If a Mike Wacha comes up in 2013 and plays well or a Shelby Miller brings the heat... the Cardinals might just move forward without Wain-O.

If Pujols can leave STL, then anyone can leave STL. Once you've opened that door, there is no going back.

The Cardinals are finally breaking ground on Ballpark Village. They won't see a ROI on that for a couple of years, so they're going to be fiscally tighter, like it or not.

There still is time to figure this out and several variables in play... but Felix's extension is now a factor.

Now, the Friday Links...

Love. The Harlem Shake. LINK HERE

Man, this guy loves to rake. LINK HERE

Dramatic wood. LINK HERE

So God made Farmville. LINK HERE

Wrong neighborhood. LINK HERE

Well. LINK HERE

That's it. That's the week. Hard to believe that it's Friday already. Enjoy Mardi Gras weekend everyone. If you need a guide to all the events, here's a guide with everything you need to know. LINK HERE

Last night we had goat milk bukkake, taunting date cards from Harrison and dead boyfriend cards being played. 

But tonight?

Part 2 of a 2 night Bachelor spectacular. Or as it's known in the biz, the night an entire cast is lost to hypothermia. Unless the promos we've been seeing for 6 fucking weeks are lying, all the roses distributed tonight will be BLACK.

8:05 - Montana is looking like a tropical paradise. 

8:08 - I won't name names, but there are women in my office that turn space heaters on when it's 90 degrees outside. You want more proof these contestants are actors? Not a single bitch, moan or gripe from a 105 pound girl in Siberia East. 

8:15 - That nose ring? It's not a signal to the world that Catherine is available for sexy time at your convenience. It's a symbol of life lived to the fullest. Also, the last two dates have featured DEATH. Foreshadowing???

8:26 - "I might die!" ABC is being very caviler with their teases about this whole situation. 

8:36 - Any moment now...

CUT: Sarah, Selma, Daniella 

NEXT WEEK: Love. Falling in love. I love you. Being above everyone. Perfection not attained. Manipulation. 

He leaves as he entered. 

Christopher Carpenter was signed as a free-agent prior to the 2003 season, hoping against hope that he’d be ready mid-season from shoulder surgery while with the Toronto Blue Jays. He missed the entire season.

Now, he’ll leave baseball after his 2013 season has been scrapped due to lingering shoulder and arm problems.

In between?

He became the baddest bad ass in St. Louis.

Ever make a resume? I’m pretty sure we all have at some point, right? And you’re sitting there in front of your computer and you’re typing out things and stuff and numbers. It looks kind of good, but the more times you look it over, the more you just want to wad the thing up and start over.

THIS IS NOT CAPUTRING HOW AWESOME I AM. GRRRR.

That’s how we’ll remember Chris Carpenter. Three time All-Star, one time Cy Young, 144-94, 3.76 ERA… those are his stats. His resume, if you will. But 50 years from now, there is going to be some punk that tries to tell you that Chris Carpenter wasn’t the man because all he/she saw was the resume. You’re going to want to shake that person. You’re going to want to wad THEM up and throw THEM in the trash.

Because Chris Carpenter is the guy that was standing on the mound in Philadelphia, the toughest sports city in the US, in Game 5 of the NLDS, as a heavy underdog. He’s the guy that looked the best offense in the NL straight in the eye, told them he was about to punch them in the face and then knocked the Philles out.

He’s the guy that made us do THIS.

He’s the guy that when you needed a big game, you needed some Chris Carpenter on the mound.

He’s the guy that channeled Bob Gibson so another generation could have their pitbull.

Chris Carpenter isn’t going to pitch for the St. Louis Cardinals ever again. His career has ended, exiting as one of the most popular players in team history. The Cardinals are a weaker team then they were 24 hours ago, and there isn’t a single thing that Matheny, Mo or DeWitt can do about it.

Because you don’t replace Chris Carpenter. You thank him for the memories. And you do your best without him.

He leaves. We’re glad he entered.