This season has been exhausting.
I know we’ve all moaned about the schizophrenic nature of this year’s squad, but it truly cannot be overstated. The 2010 Cardinals are MADDENING! Just when you think it’s safe to assume there’s a bit of forward momentum, they turn around and shit the bed against teams that shouldn’t be trusted with a whiffle ball bat. I challenge ANYONE to make sense of it.
Hell, the Birds couldn’t even overcome the force that IS Carlos Zambrano last weekend and I’m not sure he’s totally recovered from his brain reorganization surgery. (Totally a real thing. Look it up.)
In other words, this is just getting too painful to talk about. And since I can’t inject any optimism into my blackened and charred Cardinals thought-space, I figure I might as well redirect my focus to making fun of our opponents instead.
I’m actually road tripping down to St. Louis for the Cardinals’ three game series against the Giants this weekend, so to that end, I think it’s time we do a bit of speculation about their locker room and try to ascertain just EXACTLY who we’re dealing with here. Let’s play a game of “Boxer or Briefs: Giants Edition”!
Pat Burrell – My guess? Boxers. He somehow managed to survive years of abuse in Philadelphia and come out a hero, so you know this gentleman goes for a more laid back and relaxed fit. I can’t imagine one could withstand that kind of pressure with any kind of constriction.
Mike Fontenot – Totally a briefs guy. He spent some time in the Cubs farm system, which means he lived in Des Moines, IA at some point. I trust that’s clear enough justification.
Juan Uribe – Boxer briefs. Mr. Uribe played on the Southside of Chicago for a number of years and was also reputed to be involved in a bit of gun related drama back in his native Dominican Republic in 2006. He needs something snug, so that he can safely store his weaponry without pulling a Plaxico.
Mark DeRosa – Jock strap (no cup). Sure, he’s been on the DL all summer with a wrist injury, what’s the big deal? He just wants to be prepared! Plus, I bet he likes the way it looks. SO SPORTY!
Tim Lincecum – Like this guy even bothers. You know he totally free balls it.
Barry Zito – Leopard print thong. Oh, don’t give me that look. You know you were thinking it, too.
With these mental images carefully established (you’re WELCOME!!!), I, for one, am just SURE I can approach this weekend with some levity. Despite my general unease about which team I’ll get to see, (Jekyl or Hyde?), I am genuinely excited to finally see some action at Busch. At least I’ll get to be surrounded by Redbird fans for a change, which is a notable upgrade from my day-to-day existence here in Cubbie Bear Country. I’m really going to try and enjoy it and not spend the full three days locked in a perpetual state of homicidal rage. (Side note: are ballpark hot dogs as good when you desperately want to choke Kyle Lohse to death with them?)
So, anyway, GO CARDINALS? Siiiiiiiigh.
This season has been exhausting.
CardsDiaspora.com will be in the capable hands of HMW and Trumbsy the rest of this week, so don't expect any bitter musings from an angry man in the morning. You're links will still be around on Friday and if you really miss me- I'll be posting crap during my trip to HERE
Also, read this story on how bad the Rams are. I hear the guy that wrote it is sexy. LINK HERE
Remember when Brandon Inge was this semi-crap third baseman for a Detroit Tigers team that got steamrolled by a scorching hot 2006 Cardinals team en route to World Series # 10? If he would have retired right then and there, I’m not sure that anyone in St. Louis would have remembered him as anything other than the guy that was standing there as Adam Wainwright capped off an improbable post-season run as we’ve ever seen.
4 years later, he’s the savior in waiting.
I’ll spare you the gory details, but just know that your box score is correct this morning. Jamie Garcia gave up zero earned runs and was tagged with a loss to the Brewers.
Well, Flip Lopez looked like a monkey fucking a football at third base.
A day removed from getting a breather at third, a position that Lopez likes probably the least from the SS/2B/3B option, he knew the pressure was on to pick up his game defensively (his offensive struggles are another story) and that’s what we got. 2 egregious errors and another sloppy loss. The Cardinals are now a full 2 games back of the Reds in the NL Central race and have erased all gains from their series with said team last week.
It’s painfully clear that the Cardinals need a body at third base. Which doesn’t bode well for the Cardinals. Inge has passed through waivers, meaning he can be traded to the Cardinals. The problem is that that Tigers know how desperately the Cardinals actually are. Hence, I have to assume that their demands at the current moment are patently ridiculous.
So really, Lopez’s sudden collapse from serviceable to severe liability is working doubly against the Birds. He’s costing games AND PROSPECTS!
This season is slowly devolving into one of the most disappointing I can remember. Expectations were soaringly high at the beginning of 2010. And a mere 11 days away from September, this team has failed to coalesce.
Now we wait for Brandon Inge to save the season?
Baseball is a funny, funny game.no comments
The statue of limitations on ‘bitch’ related motivation has expired. The Cardinals rolled over and shat on themselves this weekend in Busch Stadium. Now back to square one.
Go to any number of websites to see just how bad Brendan Ryan is at bunting or Kyle Lohse is at pitching. Those things are pretty obvious if you saw the game or the ESPN lowlights.
What’s not so obvious, though, is just what in the F is going to happen to this team. Currently they are 1 game back in the NL Central and right in the mix for the Wild Card, so they’re straddeling the line between postseason and not. They’re almost 15 games over .500, but can’t beat a Cubs team that came into this weekend on a 2-14 streak. They play focused baseball and it looks like they could be anyone, anywhere, but then they don’t and you wonder if they even are a threat for anything.
Seriously- who are these guys and can we reasonably expect anything from them?
We expected them to be great when the season started. They aren’t. We expected them to suck before last week. They don’t, per se. We want zag and they give us zig. To expect the unexpected may be fitting, but then again, not always in a good way.
I honestly don’t have any idea what to make of any of this. Anything I write right now could be 100% correct or horribly wrong and I’m getting the feeling that the actual players on the team don’t even know who is going to show up on any given night. They’re like a human version of craps… they get rolled out and sometimes you hit 7/11 and other times snake eyes.
Let’s just assume that we’re going to be on a rollercoaster the rest of the season. No reason for us to believe that this thing is going to right itself in a positive direction.
Buckle in and let’s watch and see just how awesome/awful 2010 will be.no comments
It’s August 13 and as of this morning, the Cardinals still hadn’t played the Cubs at Busch Stadium in 2010. MLB predicted that the Cards and Cubs would be the two battling down the stretch for the NL Central crown, so it made sense to them in January to schedule lots of late season drama between the feuding rivals.
One problem with that line of thought, though… the Cubs SUCK.
The Small Bears forwent their traditional September collapse and upped the ante with the rare, but not the first May collapse, rendering this normally festive day nothing more than a speed bump on the way to a playoff spot. After the first inning, it’s going to be business as usual- Cardinals competing for the ultimate prize, the Cubs wondering who will be the next ‘savior’ to manage this team and leave years later in disgust.
Friend of The CD Will Leitch made an astute observation this week during the Reds series when he said that the Reds are starting to become what we’ve always wanted with the Cubs- a rivalry that not only had the hatred… but also meant something as well. I guess it’s bound to happen at some point, you know, the Cubs have had a couple decent seasons in the past decade- but this is far from the Yanks/Sox or Giants/Dodgers where both sides are laying it out for the greater goal.
Nonetheless, it’s still fun to rub misery in the faces of all the Chicago fans that are en route to St. Louis or the ones already here, living shamefully amongst us.
With that, a season series opens; for one side, a bit too late.
Now The Friday Links…
A field guide to white people with dreads. LINK HERE
Who knew parking could be this difficult- a picture show. LINK HERE
Quite possibly the best CL posting of all time. And that's saying something. LINK HERE
12 events that will change everything- an interactive show. LINK HERE
Facebook will soon implement the 'meh' button. LINK HERE
The caption on this? Hipster as fuuuuuuck. LINK HERE
Have a big weekend people. Go see the Cardinals. Go see the Rams. Go see the Peas. Just get out of the house- we're starting to worry about you.
40 years ago today, Bob Gibson threw the longest outing of his career.
14 mother trucking Innings!
Our friends over at Harball Times have a good piece on it: LINK HERE
Also, I went on the UCB last night and must have been wired or something, becuase I'm talking very, very fast on my iPhone4. So yes, it's going to drop my call just as I'm making a joke about Carp's steriod usage that sounds totally innapropriate when you don't hear the back half of my thought.
If you'd like to re-live the awfulness of my voice, please go for it. I come in around the 15:00 mark: LINK HERE
Make sure to also read HMW's full Brandon Phillips re-cap below.
Yesterday was a great day to be a Cardinals fan, huh? It was even better being a Cardinals fan who enjoys talking shit on the organization last known for being the 1995 NL Central champs. And that's where the great Fake Mike Shannon comes into play. One of the next two paragraphs will apply to you:
1) Oh, you still don't have a Twitter account, do you? Good thing we're here to show you how this internet dealy works. Basically, the Fake Mike Shannon Twitter account is run by someone who posts tweets as if he were our hero, the real Mike Shannon - whether it be the infamous Shannonisms ("Bob Gibson is in town Wheww! He would throw one at the Pope on Sunday if he was hogging the plate, heh heh heh"), ice cold frosty Busch, or constant jabs at the Cubs' mediocrity. Easily one of the best Twitter accounts to follow. If you ever sign up. Ever.
2) I agree with you. Fake Mike is wonderful. Let's get to the point.
Yesterday, Fake Mike decided to supply us with some fun Brandon Phillips pictures throughout the day. I'm sure it was hard, seeing how Phillips was lighting up the scoreboard left and right with doubles, bombs and RBIs galore. For those of you who missed it, we decided to gather all the FAIL pics into one neat little post here before shifting the focus onto the Cubbies.
If you happen to make motivational posters or photoshop any of these, send them in. We always like letting other people do the work for us:
Let's go Redbirds! In case you've been in a cave the past 2 nights, here's a series recap, heh heh heh:
I gotta tip my cap to this Phillips kid for speaking his mind. He never complains about anything, heh heh heh.
Phillips is quicker than John Rooney to the pre-game media buffet line, heh heh heh: (Editor's note - is that Eckstein? I think so! Good job B-Flips.)
Phillips is quicker than a cat in Chinatown, heh heh heh: (Ed. note #2 - I didn't think it could get any worse than being tagged out a mile in front of the base by little Davey Eckstein. I stand corrected.)
One other thing I like about Phillips - he's always got his eye on the ball, heh heh heh:
Arroyo plays guitar, Phillips makes bats levitate - I'm tellin ya this is a talented ballclub folks, heh heh heh:
I figured with a name like Arroyo, I could ask him where to get some good Mexican food around here. He said Taco Bell. heh heh heh. (No pic involved, this one's just funny)
Cardinal bats told Mr. Phillips to sit down and shut up. Guess he listens well. heh heh heh:
(And this was how Fake Mike summed up the day...) There's a lot of bitching & moaning in the Cards' clubhouse. They wish there was a 4th game so they could beat the Reds again, heh heh heh.
Heh heh heh, indeed. Thank you Fake Mike for making un-productivity at work a lot easier.
UPDATE: Now with a Poll! Tell us your favorite. (Er, things you don't think about at 1am)
Now THAT was entertaining baseball, people. Finally the 2010 season has started!
- Watch 'The Brawl' LINK HERE
In case you missed the start of the Cards/Reds game on Tuesday night, the bottom of the 1st inning was marked by a bench clearing scuffle before one pitch was thrown by Jamie Garcia. Carpenter then got tossed into a fence while Johnny Cueto somehow thought kicking wildly would help the fracas. Dusty Baker and Tony LaRussa were ejected. Fines are expected today from the MLB front office for players heavily brandishing slaps.
And we haven't even talked about the game... which happened to be damn fun for pretty much the whole 9 innings.
Of course the leade will be Brandon Phillips and his incendiary comments (see below) about the Cardinals manhood. In the biggest series the Reds have played in years, Phillips has awoken a passion in the Cardinals and their fans that hasn't been seen since Holliday took one off the apple bag in LA last October. We applauded Phillips in this space yesterday and we have to reiterate- his mini-tirade has been nothing but good news for St. Louis. Good job, bub.
And now, if this was a high stakes poker game, the Cardinals are in a dominant position. Sitting on a big stack with the big river card about to come out and take the bump in Wednesday's day game. Even if the Cards take the loss and fall one back of the Reds in the NL Central, I think that everyone is going to be satisfied with 2 out of three. Not happy, mind you. But willing to at least admit that this team does have some passion and will most likely fight their way into the playoffs one way or another.
Before Monday, I don't think we really knew that to be absolutely true.
Let's not forget that the Cardinals are a really good team. They've got the talent to win a World Series on this roster RIGHT NOW. Every team has flaws, but the most frustrating thing about the Cardinals is that their flaws seem to be completely self-created; bad base running, lack of focus, laying down for games at a time, not taking pitches? All very correctable and infinitely avoidable flaws.
Hence the apathy from Cardinal Nation. For fucks sake, this is the same town that will eventually build a statue for Lil Lil Davey Eckstein as a monument to scrappiness, so they'll tolerate losing games as long it looks like your mom got shot when they cut to the locker room later that night. 120 million dollar guys just kind of meh about it? MUTINY!
Personally, I'm just stoked that baseball is something that I'm counting down the hours to in the afternoon, as opposed to something that's better than most of the other crap on TV. When baseball is played like it was tonight, it's a trucking blast.
So maybe the Cardinals have been rope-a-doping the Reds all season long so we can get fired up in August as opposed to shooting our load in June? Probably not.
But it doesn't matter. Since we're all figuring out ways to get to a TV at lunch.
Photo via @Rinawear (Go buy shirts)
“I’d play against these guys with one leg. We have to beat these guys. I hate the Cardinals. All they do is bitch and moan about everything, all of them; they’re little bitches, all of ‘em. I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs. Let me make this clear - I hate the Cardinals.”
Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati Reds (HT: Kev B/BR Mom)
Cardinal’s fans were enraged by this quote yesterday from the Reds second baseman. Reaction was pretty universal and it was harsh on B. Phillips.
I don’t blame anyone, either. When somebody calls a group of guys that you’ve got a vested interest in pack of bitches, it’s only natural to go on the defensive. Loyalty is a currency that the Cardinals trade in heavily; in some cases you could argue they abuse fans sense of it. This was a public slap across the face right before the biggest series of the year.
But let’s take a second to applaud Brandon Phillips in this space.
Sports, in general, have become more sanitary than a operating room in the past decade. Athletes have grown of age in a culture of evasive sound bites and flat out vanilla personality. Leagues have legislated out anything that could be considered ‘showing up the opposition’ while ESPN puts anyone willing to chastise an organization or player for any minor infraction on roughly 143 shows every single day.
So when you get a quote like this, I bet your FIRST reaction wasn’t rage… it was wonderment. Did Phillips actually say this? Is this from The Onion? Seriously, he said bitches?
Then you read it in the Dayton Daily News or The Post-Dispatch and got mad.
But Didn’t Brandon Phillips make it easier to root against the Reds? Didn’t he increase the fun in this series? Wasn’t that 7-3 beat down more satisfying? Could you wait until the reporters asked him about this quote after the game? I’d probably thought of Brandon Phillips maybe 4 minutes in my entire life. Now I’m actively rooting against the guy, booing through my TV set at him, hoping he embarrasses himself.
And, really, if we’re going to be honest, sports just aren’t as much fun when you can’t hate the other team.
We may say we want guys like Albert Pujols or Matt Holliday on our side, never saying anything disrespectful and always carefully calculating every syllabal of their life. And we DO want that… on OUR side.
But we also want Brandon Phillips too.
Here’s to Brandon Phillips, a true trailblazer. And a bitch.no comments