Sports History will not look back kindly on January 28th.

1) Jimmy Ballgame, he of former Cardinal glory gets a minor league deal with the Milwaukee Brewers and is coy on if he'll 'un-tuck' against his former team if he makes his new one.

2) Steven Jackson, the ONLY bright spot in the Rams 2009 season either whipped the shit out of his girlfriend 10 days before his son was born or willingly dated one of the worst people on the face of the planet. Which leads me to point 3...

3) The Rams (per KTRS & Howard Balzer) are seriously mulling over a 725 million dollar cash offer for the Rams from an ownership group that will demand a new stadium before 2014 or most likely move the team.

READ MORE ON EDMONDS/ISTL GND of the YEAR HERE

Ok, point 1 is more disappointing than anything. Chances are Edmonds doesn't make it out of spring training. But points 2 and 3 are pretty fucking scary for one of the last 45 Rams Fans left in this city.

The roommate and I were trying to figure out who the hell this team is supposed to fill seats with next season. Coming off a 1-15 season with the only star on the team getting accused of beating a prego woman and the same exact coaching staff that was just terrible last year.

Besides Ndamukong Suh's mom and dad, will there be anyone else that's signing up to spend money for this product?

Which leads to the disturbing realization that this Rams team is on very tenuous footing. If these allegations turn out to be true, it really could be the end of football in St. Louis.

For good.

I was there 4 weeks ago and the dome was dead. No hope. No life. Nothing. Just people glad it was over. The game and the season. At the time I was worried that even with the addition of an number 1 overall draft pick, there still wouldn't be enough juice to get the STL fired up for pro football.

Now?

Shit. Now I don't know how it can get any worse.

Seriously, what scenario could have been worse for the Rams than Steven Jackson getting accused of prego girl beating? I can't think of one. I honestly can't.

I guess we'll have to wait and see how this one plays out. But like a punch drunk boxer, I don't think this team can take any more blows like this without getting knocked out.

Cold.

Now, some links...

• Old dude has the smallest garage in the world. LINK HERE
• Hot chicks blow drying their asses... the website. LINK HERE (SFW-ish)
• Before he was a serial killer- he was on The Dating Game. Creep-y. LINK HERE
• The 11 most scandalous revelations in the Screech Saved by the Bell book. LINK HERE
• The Noooooooooooooo Button. Use liberally today. LINK HERE
• It took way too long to come up with this blog. LINK HERE
• How well do you know your drug paraphernalia- the quiz. LINK HERE
• How to suck at Facebook. Take heed, people. Take heed. LINK HERE

… And they called it the iPad. And it was good.

Yes, I’m typing this on a MacBook Pro. Yes, I own this t-shirt that depicts the iPhone innards in the style of Leonardo DaVinci. I may or may not have wet dreams about the Cupertino summer breeze wafting though my back turtleneck.

But all that’s beside the point. Because getting one of these things might just be worth the $499 for one single app: MLB (Link Here)

Could I interest you in home or away broadcasts for every game? How about a little touch screen action that pulls up any player or game stats when you swipe your finger across them in action? Maybe a little instant DVR feature that let’s you be your own re-play booth, complete with alternate angles that aren’t on TV would tickle your fancy?

Maybe you didn’t hear me--- NO Dan or Al ALL SUMMER!

You can watch video from the live demonstration via that link above… but MLB developers had about 2 weeks to put that together and I want it. So I’d imagine that by April 1, we’re going to completely ravenous.

Now watch this:

The Cardinals signed former Cubbie Rich Hill yesterday and invited him to spring training. While you pervs are looking for pictures of his wife (her name is on his Wikipedia page...and yes, I failed miserably already), here are a few interesting tidbits about him:

1) He's a frickin' idiot

2) Chats online with babes all day

3) Training to be a cage fighter

Peace out.

You might have thought since Dick Ankiel was moving across the state and Mark DeRosa (presumably) took his wife with him to San Francisco that us Cardinal fans wouldn't have much eye candy to nosh on in 2010.

Brad Penny has us covered boys.

Wait, Brad Penny? The Pitcher?

I did a double take too, friends. But it's true. And lucky for us he decided to take his babe to Turks & Caicos last week and have her play catch.

On the beach.

In a bikini.

So go ahead and slave away in your 3' x 3' foot cubicle. Brad Penny will be having a soft toss on the sun drenched beaches of T & C before heading to his real job... playing baseball. (HT: WWTDD.com)

For all of you fans of Dancing With the Stars, she apparently is a dancer on that show. Or something.

Click the READ MORE button to see more pics.

In other "former Cardinal ladies men" news, Chris Duncan signs with the Washington Nationals (Wershington, if Mike Shannon is reading). Seems like just yesterday that Chris was a responsible youngster with a good head on his shoulders, donating his time to soup kitchens and animal shelters all around town.

Oops, I misspelled "snagging fat chicks at Hrabosky's." My bad.

(Even better - this happened January 19th, but nobody, including Washington, mentioned anything until six days later. We don't blame them.)

In big press conference news, Rick Ankiel met with the Kansas City media after officially inking his multi-million dollar mega deal earlier today.

You know, because press conferences are necessary for one year contracts...especially ones worth a little over $3 million. An operator is standing by, Royals fan - buy your tickets now!

Speaking of, they really need your money now. Look at the fancy technology that Ankiel is sitting in front of. It's like a vortex of crappy .230 free-swingers wearing Mark Gubicza's jersey. Even when the Royals are trying not to look like a collection of dumbasses, they still fail. I think a banner with your logo and a couple ads will be good enough, guys. Or Ankiel's phone number for the ladies? Or even a sweet screen saver (pipes?). Anything but the same exact thing that all six dudes at the presser are falling asleep to.

For reference, Adam Kennedy (3 yrs, $10 million) and Kip Wells (1 yr, $4 million) signed in late 2006 in front of what appears to be my High School library.

Royals beat the Cardinals again. (shakes fist at sky) Denkinger!!

Here’s a bit of football analysis from a guy that has absolutely no credentials: Brad Childress (probably)was thinking about a nubile young boy and his nuts got sucked inside his stomach. This had an unfortunate side effect, since he forgot he was coaching a football game. Meanwhile his QB that is older than penicillin threw an interception that killed the Vikings season…

In Indianapolis, Peyton Manning proved he can’t be beat this year. He never gets injured and when he plays, the Colts win. Meaning that unless he gets capped or captured by rouge mild Downs patients to lead their clan, the Colts are winning the Super Bowl…

The median sale price projector on eBay is very accurate. The last 3 items I sold came within a dollar either way of the value they said I’d get when I listed my items…

For the second year in a row, I was able to creep out at the GND of the Year party presented by InsideSTL. You can read Tim’s full re-cap of the day here, so I’ll spare you the details. But I have to comment on this Joshua character. He’s probably about 40 or so with the skin color of a tangerine. He also has some of the whitest, most awkward moves I’ve ever seen. I doubt we’ll ever see the video of his performance, but it was the funniest thing I’ve seen in 2010. It was like a parody of a parody on honke-ism. I took one pic. It’s here and it’s not insightful, but proves I had good seats?...

As you read this right now, some punk has still not stopped partying in New Orleans while you work…

I’m about thiiiis close to just giving up on the Blues this season. Blowing 3-0 leads in the third period should be a once in a season (if not less) occurrence. Especially at home. It’s just embarrassing that these guys bend over and take it in front of people paying money to see them. And do it with a smile on their face… no comments

He came. He conquered. He came some more- Rick “Dick” Ankiel is no longer the property of the St. Louis Baseball Cardinals.

Finally the mothers of St. Louis can get a decent night’s sleep.

Over the years, we’ve made no bones about our fondness for the greatest pitcher/hitter/fornicator that this town has ever born witness to. So today is a day of mourning.

READ WHAT A GAY CARDINAL WOULD DO TO STL HERE

I suppose we knew deep down that Dick wasn’t coming back to the team that drafted him as a stud pitcher in 1997. But still, as word leaked out last night that he had agreed to a 1 year 3.25 million dollar contract with the KC Royals, we couldn’t help but be taken aback.

After all, this was the same guy that was awesome as a pitcher, completely lost ‘it’ in an epic playoff meltdown in the biggest media market in the world, quit pitching altogether, and made it back into the Cardinals line-up as a power-hitting OF.

All while moonlighting as a porn star.

Was he the perfect player? No. He wasn’t.

But I also don’t believe that St. Louis fully appreciated just what the hell this guy had done. A fraction of a percentage of players are good enough to get 1 win in the majors as a pitcher. A slightly smaller fraction of players are good enough to get one hit in the majors. Yet, somehow, this guy excelled in both.

That’s a freak. In all senses.

CardsDiaspora wishes Dick Ankiel all the best in Kansas City- he’s going to need it if he wants to get out of that town STD free…

Now some links…

• You watched the finale last night. Watch kids perform it today. Guido. LINK HERE (HT: AH)
• Interesting breakdown on profile pics for dating services and social media. LINK HERE
• Fun with the Cabela's online help desk. LINK HERE
• Wanna see a box of wine explode in the microwave? Of course you do. LINK HERE
• Retired guy goes ahead and solves the mystery of Stonehenge. Seriously. LINK HERE
• The Top 10 'Pants on the Ground' re-mixes. LINK HERE
• Damn you Rock Band. Why do you have to be so engrossing!?!? LINK HERE
• More optical illusions. Some people have tons of time on their hands. LINK HERE

We've had a big week haven't we, little guys and girls?

"You people" spent a lot of time and effort - but mostly money - at the Cardinals' Winter Warm-Up this past weekend.  There is still a Mark McGwire hangover in the air (might just be fog, but i can't tell).  And to cap it off, Hooks got you all riled up about Albert Pu-jolz leaving town in two years.  It could happen, yes.  You could worry about it now, yes.  But you don't have to just yet.  I'm always chock full of ideas to put your mind at ease.  Like...

Jessica. Emmanuelle.

Biel. Chriqui.

Ass.

I was surprised at how many breathless e-mails, texts and IM’s I got yesterday over Albert Pujols and his comments on his pending contract negotiations.

They ranged from panicked to complete confidence and everywhere in between. But I think Bernie in his 5 Minutes blog summarized Pujols’ Winter Warm-Up press conference the best.

Paraphrasing, he says that Albert pretty much gave everybody a little something to chew on. If you believe that he’d never leave St. Louis? He said he wants to be a life-long Cardinal. You think he’s out of here? He said he’d play for another team and that hometown discounts weren’t applicable.

The bottom line, though? The Cardinals made one of the best gambles of all-time in any sport by giving a 3 year veteran a 100+million dollar contract that turned out to be an incredible bargain. Remember back when that was singed- we all hoped he was worth it. Turns out he was worth about double, if not triple.

Read More on AP's Contract at BLEACHER REPORT

Now 10 years in, this is AP’s contract. The one that sets him, his kids and his grandkids up for whatever they want. And he’s going to get what he can from the Cardinals.

At times, this is going to get uncomfortable. It always does in negotiations. But I do believe, that deep down, Albert does want to stay in St. Louis… BUT… the Cardinals are going to have to pay him fair value.

Determining fair value in a once in a lifetime player is another story.