The St. Louis Cardinals signed Jared "Skip" Shumaker to a 2 year deal for 4.7 million dollars Monday evening.

Buddies Mikey, Punk'n and little Johnny were not available for comment immediately, but chances are they're going to expect a kick ass clubhouse sometime soon.

The inking prevents and arbitration hearing and saves the Cardinals roughly 800K if Shumaker would have won his case. It also shows that the Cardinals are serious about the Shumaker experiment at second base. After 1.5 years of experience at 2B the value of this contract should be made apparent very quickly.

In all seriousness, congratulations to Jared. I think lost in the shuffle of an MVP season by Albert and a mid-season acquisition of Matt Holliday amongst all the All Star Game shenanigans was a pretty awesome story about guy changing positions to stay on a MLB team. And doing it pretty respectably.

How many times have we said something like "If X player could only play X position, we'd be set"? Jared actually did that and didn't look like a complete boob while learning against the best baseball players on the planet. That's some tough shit to do... while trying maintain a solid bat.

Good guy. Solid player. Fair contract for everyone. No downside to this at all.

What the hell, cookies and milk for everyone involved!~

What happened to the balls on Super Bowl spots? Maybe the spots haven’t lived up to expectations for years now or maybe they were never as good as we remembered, but whatever it is- Madison Ave’s onion sack is filled with estrogen. (see: Go Daddy circa 2010 aka not an itoa of cleavage, about as dangerous as Play-Dough VS Miller Light 2005 aka the best commercial of all time). Mitigating factors like cost, the economy and Janet Jackson’s areola obviously are having a dragging effect on creativity… but for fuck’s sake capitalism- all it takes is some creative people to make a memorable spot…

Normally the half-time act would have hordes of people crowding the stage to give it that ‘concert feel’, but Dade County authorities couldn’t confirm that every participant would be over 18 and didn’t want any youngsters getting into Pete Townshend’s laptop again…

I’m offended that an ad admonishing abortion also promoted violence against women…

Congratulations to Sean Payton who becomes the first Super Bowl winning head coach to win wearing a visor since Jon Gruden. I’m always curious to find out why some coaches go with the visor over a cap, but you’ll notice that once you choose sides- you’re pot committed and don’t change…

The CBS coverage of the Super Bowl was surprisingly muted. Only one cut to Archie/Eli Manning. No cuts to Kim Kardashian that I observed. Nary a Hurricane Katrina reference. Jim Nantz better get a schmaltz shock treatment before the Masters in April because this big game had a disarming lack of superfluous hyperbole…

So does this mean that sitting your starters the last 2 games of the regular season is definitely NOT the way to win a Super Bowl.  We heard so much that the Colts were achieving their goals by fucking with Karma. Turns out Karma is a real asshole…

The worst part for the Colts is they have to go back to Indiana…

Do you think Kendra dumped Hank Baskett immediately after he botched that onside kick recovery or did she wait until after the game? I’m not saying she’s a front-runner or anything, but Garrett Hartley had a very, very good night…

It doesn’t matter how much CBS wants us to watch Katie Couric read us the news, we’ve voted through our remotes and we don’t. So let’s stop shoehorning this lady into any marquee network property and let her get back to the Today Show with a strand of dignity left…

Stop saying Who Dat. You weren’t a Saints fan 2 weeks ago and you won’t be a Saint’s fan by tomorrow. Every time you say it, an angel gets a douche chill…

Do yourself a favor and read HMW's post below this one ASAP. You can even skip this crap if you want and go straight there... because it's topical (Super Bowl), sexist and the most amusing thing we've put up on this site since the Tiger Condom.

Because Tiger doesn't use condoms... come on! He's Tiger Woods. He pops Plan B's in his ho's mouth like tic tacs.

WHY AN EARTHQUAKE THAT SWALLOWED BUSCH WOULD SUCK

I don't do drugs, but that above InsideSTL post won't do anything to discredit the people that claim I do. But really, it was a pretty shitty week for Cardinal content, so I'm not apologizing for nothing.

I even put a Super Bowl prediction in: 34 Mannings to 24 Kardashians.

Fuck it- let's play a game. Guess the score in the Super Bowl this Sunday in the comments. The closet to the right one will win a prize: a sport duffel bag and a t-shirt? Done. Post in the comments now.

On with the Friday Links...

• How to report the news from the BBC. Very, very true. LINK HERE
• This is a site for Tom Selleck. Eating sandwiches. Under waterfalls. LINK HERE
• I personally think this GIF is BS, but judge for yourself. LINK HERE (HT: JH)
• Looking to save money? Here's how to haggle. LINK HERE
• Wrong time to look at titties at work bro. LINK HERE
• A preview of the Super Bowl ads in this Sunday's game. LINK HERE (HT: AH)
• The iPad is not hard to explain to people. Send them this. LINK HERE
• BEST prank I've seen in a while. If you click on one of these... LINK HERE (HT: BH)

The title pretty much speaks for itself, so I won't drag this out with a long, unfunny intro. The only reason that I'm posting this is for the bacon bikini and snack food stadium. So there you go.

1000% Utterly Flamingly Ghey - Rice Krispie Treat Footballs

I'm going to be honest, those do look pretty good. Who doesn't like Rice Krispie Treats? Especially chocolate ones, lined with icing.

Howevuh...if you bust these out at your Super Bowl party, that's it, you're done being a man. If your wife/girlfriend makes them, hope to God that the "Aw, she's just being cute" bit works. But if you make them, or even buy them at the store, you should be strapped to a chair upstairs in your closet, two feet away from a TV with Bravo on, and a picture of a shirtless David Hasselhoff needs to be taped to your chest. And when your friends snap a bunch of pics of you, make sure they send them to us.

Shit.

Yahoo! Sports Big League Stew went ahead and screwed us today by including us in the 2010 Blog Book for the St. Louis Cardinals. Now who the hell are we going to rip-off?

The 2010 STL Cardinals Yahoo! Sports Blog Book

Seriously, though, Cards Diaspora loves the 'Duk and all the guys over @ Yahoo!- they are the one big entity that actually pays attention to what the fans of any particular team are doing and it makes for some good reading.

However, by giving some credibility to sites like this, Mother's Basement takes serious step back.

Follow @BigLeagueStew on Twitter and read it everyday here.

So the BR mom is Miami with El Dragone when they stumble upon some enterprising young men selling, well...

... The Tiger Condom.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. From Tag Heuer to cock socks. Pings to prophylactics. A startling fall indeed.

Imagine your confusion if you stubled upon this novelty item in February of 2009. Wouldn't it seem like the most ridiculously immature stab at piggyback marketing? You'd probably be offended about this amateur hour.

But in 2010? Hi-larious. I even love the "Approved for Swingers" asterisk at the bottom there. The most dominant professional athlete of the decade now has joke jimmys getting handed out to my mom and she text's me this photo and I put it up online and we all have a good laugh while this guy wallows away in sex rehab.

Anything can happen, man. Anything.

In other news, JS a longtime reader and world traveler checks in with another Cubs/Cards meme from somewhere in Europe. I think I may have posted this a while back- but if you want to see it again, never saw it in the first place or just enjoy Hitler getting pissed- LINK HERE

Lastly,  The Waterboy has moved into a 500 year-old house and I wanted to know if the place is haunted. He thinks it might be. So I wonder:

If you lived in a house and saw a ghost. (Your wife or girlfriend or boyfriend saw it too.) And the ghost talked with you for like a minute, then disappeared, would you still live in the house?

The ghost didn't appear to be vengeful or dangerous- but it was pretty cryptic about what it was up to. You would break absolutely even on your house after everything was said and done.

Did we get a definitive answer on if Michael Jackson touched toddlers in a sexual way? After watching the Grammys I guess everyone has decided he was a noble, earnest man constantly striving to better this world. Through touching toddlers, I suppose…

Tweets from last night: (On Jeff Beck-) Glad to see Bald Bull found work after Punch Out… as the drummer for Jeff Beck. (On Wyclef-) I can go either way on the guy, but getting the crowd to chant ‘fuck Kanye’ is a little much. (On Beyonce-) Hugh, can I implore you to do whatever it takes to find out the real deal on Beyonce’s breasts. We need to know…

It’s become norm De rigueur to bash the Pro Bowl, but I personally thinks its semi-entertaining to see how these guys really act off the field. The NFL is so antiseptic that Tony Romo would never even entertain the thought of making a controversial statement- but the guy was busting balls all over the place, seeming like a fun guy to play with. You can almost see why TO, Jessica and others cried over the dude. Obviously it’s not as savage as you fucking animals would like, but it’s not completely worthless…

You want Wang?...

I’m a Taylor Swift fan. But I can’t believe that when she’s 40 and looking back at her reaching the pinnacle of her profession, she won’t regret that dress. Made her look like Robert Wadlo’s peer. A good rule of thumb; run it by Keith Urban before you wear it on stage. If he likes it, change. That guys a freak… no comments

Sports History will not look back kindly on January 28th.

1) Jimmy Ballgame, he of former Cardinal glory gets a minor league deal with the Milwaukee Brewers and is coy on if he'll 'un-tuck' against his former team if he makes his new one.

2) Steven Jackson, the ONLY bright spot in the Rams 2009 season either whipped the shit out of his girlfriend 10 days before his son was born or willingly dated one of the worst people on the face of the planet. Which leads me to point 3...

3) The Rams (per KTRS & Howard Balzer) are seriously mulling over a 725 million dollar cash offer for the Rams from an ownership group that will demand a new stadium before 2014 or most likely move the team.

READ MORE ON EDMONDS/ISTL GND of the YEAR HERE

Ok, point 1 is more disappointing than anything. Chances are Edmonds doesn't make it out of spring training. But points 2 and 3 are pretty fucking scary for one of the last 45 Rams Fans left in this city.

The roommate and I were trying to figure out who the hell this team is supposed to fill seats with next season. Coming off a 1-15 season with the only star on the team getting accused of beating a prego woman and the same exact coaching staff that was just terrible last year.

Besides Ndamukong Suh's mom and dad, will there be anyone else that's signing up to spend money for this product?

Which leads to the disturbing realization that this Rams team is on very tenuous footing. If these allegations turn out to be true, it really could be the end of football in St. Louis.

For good.

I was there 4 weeks ago and the dome was dead. No hope. No life. Nothing. Just people glad it was over. The game and the season. At the time I was worried that even with the addition of an number 1 overall draft pick, there still wouldn't be enough juice to get the STL fired up for pro football.

Now?

Shit. Now I don't know how it can get any worse.

Seriously, what scenario could have been worse for the Rams than Steven Jackson getting accused of prego girl beating? I can't think of one. I honestly can't.

I guess we'll have to wait and see how this one plays out. But like a punch drunk boxer, I don't think this team can take any more blows like this without getting knocked out.

Cold.

Now, some links...

• Old dude has the smallest garage in the world. LINK HERE
• Hot chicks blow drying their asses... the website. LINK HERE (SFW-ish)
• Before he was a serial killer- he was on The Dating Game. Creep-y. LINK HERE
• The 11 most scandalous revelations in the Screech Saved by the Bell book. LINK HERE
• The Noooooooooooooo Button. Use liberally today. LINK HERE
• It took way too long to come up with this blog. LINK HERE
• How well do you know your drug paraphernalia- the quiz. LINK HERE
• How to suck at Facebook. Take heed, people. Take heed. LINK HERE

… And they called it the iPad. And it was good.

Yes, I’m typing this on a MacBook Pro. Yes, I own this t-shirt that depicts the iPhone innards in the style of Leonardo DaVinci. I may or may not have wet dreams about the Cupertino summer breeze wafting though my back turtleneck.

But all that’s beside the point. Because getting one of these things might just be worth the $499 for one single app: MLB (Link Here)

Could I interest you in home or away broadcasts for every game? How about a little touch screen action that pulls up any player or game stats when you swipe your finger across them in action? Maybe a little instant DVR feature that let’s you be your own re-play booth, complete with alternate angles that aren’t on TV would tickle your fancy?

Maybe you didn’t hear me--- NO Dan or Al ALL SUMMER!

You can watch video from the live demonstration via that link above… but MLB developers had about 2 weeks to put that together and I want it. So I’d imagine that by April 1, we’re going to completely ravenous.

Now watch this:

The Cardinals signed former Cubbie Rich Hill yesterday and invited him to spring training. While you pervs are looking for pictures of his wife (her name is on his Wikipedia page...and yes, I failed miserably already), here are a few interesting tidbits about him:

1) He's a frickin' idiot

2) Chats online with babes all day

3) Training to be a cage fighter

Peace out.