Take your standardized health care and shove it Canada. Those blessed with eyesight good enough to see a hockey puck in low-def TV witnessed one hell of a game between Team USA and Team Canada in the Olympics on Sunday. The whole game was brilliant. Brilliant goals, brilliant saves- just a good damn time if you're a sports fan. Perhaps watching the Blues for 5 months had erased my memory of what a good hockey game should be, though. So you might be well off trying to find more opinions on this. It might have been the worst Olympic game ever played, come to think of it...

Interviews on sports talk radio are stupid. All they do is grind shows to a halt. 1 out of every 1000 interviews may give you some usable piece of information or be such a great get that'd you'd be stupid to pass. But sending every sports talk personality to Jupiter or the Super Bowl creates this awful vortex of radio where it's interview after boring fucking interview. Bleh. Let's stick to bashing players behind their back so they can claim to never hear it, but rally their team around a mantra of disrespect...

Tiger Woods. Mark McGwire. Two guys. Two guys that need some advice. So here it is: Whatever you say, however you say it- somebody's going to have a problem with it. It's 2010 and every dickweed with a blog has a potential national voice (see CardsDiaspora.com). And somebody's going to make outrageous comments to get page views. You don't owe anyone an apology. You don't owe anyone anything. Say your piece and quit kowtowing to everyone and anyone. You banged many, many women. You inject horse steroids into your ass. Whatever. Sack it up and tell us you think we're all idiots and assholes for even caring in the first place. Cause you'd be right...

Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday make team 'better' according to Tony LaRussa. I will agree with that assessment...

Google Buzz: Here's the deal- I honestly believe that people love adding friends and followers on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc al. It's the best part of many people's day when we can get a new friend or follower. So Google Buzz is doing damn well right now because the average internet user can add 5 friends easy everyday. Meanwhile, you've been on Facebook since college and friend requests trickle in like a before shot on a Flomax ad. Everybody's having a friend adding orgy on Buzz these first few weeks. Soon enough you'll run out of people to add. Realize that like 20% of your friends and family are actually smart enough to use GMail. And you'll stick to Facebook or Twitter...

Ryan Franklin, if you need to have a shotgun or cross bow in your locker, then perhaps your dedication to your craft is not as important as your unpaid hobbies. I'd suggest leaving the weaponry at home and work on being a closer for a World Series contender and save the bitching for things other than an ass covering by MLB...

Weekly Port-O-Potty update: Below is the one in our front yard from Mardi Gras. Let's check in every Monday and see if it's still there:

Yes. It's still there...

Just a heads up that this weekend, my friends over at Baseball Digest are hosting a 24 hour radiothon to raise money for Operation Homefront. Click this link for all the details. 100% of the money goes directly to charity and they are going to have players and former players help out this year. If you get a chance, tune in- or even better, give a little if you can...

In "One step closer 'til April 5th" news, the MVP strolled into Cardinal camp this morning, ready to crush some Dave McKay BP - and wearing these bad boys on his feet. Some other rich guy arrived too, but failed to wear Bo Jackson shoes, so he gets no love.

A quick note about this first paragraph: everything below it is way too important to bother looking up facts (or this paragraph isn't that important, same thing).

About a week or so ago, I think it was Alvin Reid of maybe the Globe-Democrat, or the Belleville Whatever Thing (oh, and Donnybrook!) wrote an article about the newish* $19.95 Cardinals Nation club (*I think it's been offered for a while). A day or two later, some guy from some website expanded a bit on that topic over at insidestl.com.

The fine readers of InsideSTL had a polite rebuttal to said article, explaining their disagreement on how much of a deterrent Cardinals Nation would be to their every day lifestyle, if they happened to participate.

But now, going forward - no matter what they say - there will be no dispute as to which club kicks ass, and which "Nation" needs to go to Suck Rehab and fight their suck demons of sucktitude.

As a quick reminder, here are the perks you get for your $19.95 to join Cardinals Nation:

• Membership Card from the Cardinals
• 2 tickets to a regular season 2010 Cardinals game (via e-mail voucher to be redeemed online; terms and conditions may apply)
• Complimentary Next-generation Gameday and audio experience
• 10% Off Entire Purchase coupon for the St. Louis Cardinals Team Store (terms and conditions may apply)
• 10% Off Entire Purchase coupon for the stlcardinals.com Online Shop (terms and conditions may apply)
• Buy-One-Get-One-Free Busch Stadium Tour coupon (terms and conditions may apply)
• Exclusive ticket discount offers and pre-sales throughout the 2010 season
• Monthly Drawing for game tickets, autographed items and more
• Special Access to Cardinals Nation members-only pages
• Exclusive Club Message Board
• Exclusive Cardinals desktop wallpapers

Snooze button...

But what about our club?

The Cardinal Badass Torture Chamber Machete Carnage Destruction Squad

• A black Under Armour shirt with the club logo and name on it
  
• Brass Knucks
• One month of being accompanied by a Ninja or Bob Gibson (your choice)
• 10% off Homestyle Buffet visit, provided you drive Jack Clark to and fro
• Access to the new "profanity section" at Busch - where player heckling, colorful language, racial slurs, and wife-boning threats are highly encouraged.
• Group outings to go drop a deuce on Cubs fans' Welcome Mats, featuring guest hosts (and participants) athooks and HMW.
• Chris Duncan humping bobblepelvis
• The Chris Duncan porn, "Dunc in Your Trunk"
• The "Rick Ankiel Nailed These Girls in '09" yearbook
• Cards Diaspora INsider Access (okay, that's pretty much a link to our Twitter accounts)
• Exclusive access to weekly chats with Ricky Horton, accompanied by Jesus
• Monthly drawings for Blogger Training, Penthouse Lap Dances, free tasers and more

For just $19.92 (how you like that undercut, Cardinals Nation?), join the Cardinal Badass Torture Chamber Machete Carnage Destruction Squad and this can all be yours!

Today officially marks the opening of Spring Training for the 2010 St. Louis Cardinals baseball team. And since we have absolutely nothing else to talk about other than that- let’s go to the Tubes.

First a clip of the 1983 Cardinals on their first day back to practice after winning the World Series in 1982. Whitey looks like he partook in every celebratory meal he could in the off-season:

Remember the ‘Fan Show’ on KPLR? Could possibly have been the best show in the history of the TV, but of course it got yanked off the air. Here’s their Spring Training coverage circa 2007:

More posted in the comments as we find them. Feel free to add your own...

Today is very last day until (hopefully) November where there won’t be at least some sort of something to talk about as it pertains of to St. Louis Cardinals baseball…

… Pitchers and Catchers report TOMORROW!

Let’s be honest. Over the past 4 months this website has gotten woefully off track. From NASCAR photo ops to Super Bowl food spreads. Tacky give-a-ways and peeping tom vids. Oh, and Cubs anal. It’s been a mess of HTML.

Unfortunately, not much will change- we’ll just have baseball to talk about too.

READ NEW BLEACHER REPORT ON MARK McGWIRE MEDIA CIRCUS HERE

Something about those fawning reports on guys having a catch from crusty white men in awful Hawaiian shirts gets me excited for guys wearing tights and swatting a ball with a stick.  Or something.

Se la vie winter, you miserable fuck, Spring is officially coming tomorrow. And it couldn’t be soon enough.

In other news…

Those not privy to my Gmail (and Google has done everything they can this past week to make that a non-issue) haven’t been keeping up with the e-mail chain that details how much the InsideSTL.com commenter’s hate my guts.

Let’s go to the screen cap:

I’ve redacted my place of work from the creepy guy with the most recent hateful barb… but the Waterboy was wondering how he knew where I worked AND that I had a Mardi Gras party? Is a Facebook event advertising? Is this guy a friend of mine? Is there anything douchier than calling someone a douche bag?

So many questions. If you want to check for more comments later today, here’s the link.

Bottom line, though: I suck at everything and deserve to be flogged.

Yup. Sounds about right.

NASCAR has made a concerted effort to re-connect with the ‘Joe 6 Pack’ in 2010. From unified start times to behind the scene shows like Jimmy Johnson 24/7 on HBO. But throwing a pothole in the Daytona 500? That’s thinking outside the bun! Watching the end of the race roughly 331 hours after it started, I couldn’t help but wonder if Kevin Harvick had THIS running through his mind while in the lead on the last lap…

Pitchers and catchers report to Jupiter Florida this week. This week. We learned last week that the Cubs already had their catchers in camp a week early…

Mardi Gras in STL this year was muted in comparison to past years. The weather has honked a big, fat dong the past 2.5 weeks and while it didn’t snow that much Saturday, you could still sense that the real pussy-whipped amongst us weren’t catching a wicked hangover for V-Day unless it was sunny and 50+. Hallmark, you’ve finally won… 

That's called, grinding, kids...

Usher AND Gretchen Wilson open the NBA All-Star game? I missed you 2007, where the hell have you been hiding out at…

Has any sport in the history of sport been more limited by its uniforms than men’s figure skating? How many really, really talented men’s figure skaters wouldn’t go within 2 miles of a competition because they had a shred of hetro in their body? If the dudes just wore some warm-ups wouldn’t this be a more viable option for 90% of American dudes?...

There will be a new Cardinal by this time next week. But who will it be? Now that the Spring Training season is opening up- some guys need jobs…

Kids are a pack of pussies in 2010. But the adults that run schools should be punched in the gunt. Calling off school at the first sight of 2 flakes is not only weak sauce, but its making watching TV annoying as hell. I don’t need cute graphics and flashing scrolls.  I need my full screen. And hey, KSDK, it’s 2010, we’ve got the internet. We’ll check there if we need to know…

We always kind of suspected that the small bears were into a little something other than BP and small ball. Try DP and small balls.

The fine folks over at Chicago Now have gotten their paws on a copy of the forthcoming 'Cubs Anal' which seems a bit much for someone we barely know. (At least a trip to the Melting Pot or something, eh boys?)

I'm afraid to see what's in the "Bounce Back!" section. That sounds painful.

Later this afternoon, America will sashe and flaunt it's semi-effeminate opening ceremony outfits in front of a bunch of very polite Canadians. Then a nondescript white famous person will light a cauldron of fire in a more difficult than necessary manner.

It's the Winter Olympics. Johnny Weir has re-entered you life. Like it or not.

READ INSIDE STL: THE DEATH OF CARDINAL NATION HERE

It's easy to bag on the winter games as a every four year PRIDE rally, but look deeper and I think you will find some compelling athletic competition:

+ Skeleton - Going head first down the bobsled chute on a dinky sled may not take much more than a set of brass balls, but somehow they've made this into a legit sport. These crazy sons of bitches are going up to 100 mph in a sort of weird pseudo-superman fantasy come to life. It's like watching the Coors Light party train come to life.

+ Biathlon - You know what makes cross-country skiing more interesting? Guns. That's what.

+ Ice Hockey - If the NHL decided to just cease operation and re-form in America using just nationalities as teams all while touring the country, would you be opposed to this? One night the Scottrade center might get Canada v US; other nights perhaps Sweden v Finland. Everybody always says this is the best hockey ever. Why can't we have it all the time?

+ Curling - The one Olympic sport that maybe, just maybe, if we got off our fat asses, we'd actually have a shot a making a national team. Somehow these people have convinced the IOC that this game needs to be a medal sport in the world's biggest athletic competition. NASCAR drivers are jealous. They've pretty much lived every shuffle puck player's dream.

+ Half-Pipe -  All the awesomeness of Shaun White. Without having to hear Sal Masekela once.

And if you can't get behind any of these, then watching late night downhill qualifying runs on tape delay has to be better than the 200th repeat of Law and Order SUV on USA, right?

Now some links...

• A link of dogs howling when they hear Law & Order's theme song. LINK HERE (HT:WL)
• Guy balances a chair over a huge cliff. LINK HERE (HT:RH)
• 11 things you didn't know about Natural Light. LINK HERE
• Looking for a last minute Valentine's Day gift? Try the Hug-o-Gram. LINK HERE (HT:KA)
• 50 pictures of kids giving the middle finger. LINK HERE
• 10 stories about bears you need to know. LINK HERE
• Introducing the new food craze: Wafflewich. LINK HERE

That's all we got this week. Be sure and check out the Cards Diaspora app by clicking on the story below or the graphic on the right hand side of the screen and download it ASAP. Otherwise we'll see you after a long weekend of drinking (Mardi Gras) and loving (V-Day).

Has mobile technology hit its nadir?

With the introduction of the Cards Diaspora app, in my estimation, yes.

Believe it or not, some people enjoy reading this site. I know- hard to swallow. But true. And one of the questions (by questions, I mean complaints) I get on a semi-regular basis is that our website is horrible to read on the web. Now since we’ve moved to Bloguin from the MVN Network, this problem has been less serious… but still, it wasn’t perfect.

Until today.

Today we’re releasing the Cards Diaspora app for iPhone & Andoid operating systems. So if you have an iPhone, Driod or any number of other Andriod phone, please do us a favor and shut the hell up. We’ve heard your complaints and now you have a dedicated app that makes getting your daily dose of shenanigans mobile friendly.

It also gives you other news, let’s you search the site and do some pretty cool things. In the next update we even hope to have mobile commenting enabled. It’s not pocket fart yet… but we’re getting there.

READ MORE & DOWNLOAD HERE

If you’ve got a Blackberry, Nokia or HTC smartphone, we’re working on that app now. Unfortunately, it takes a little bit more work for those platforms than anticipated. But we haven’t forgotten about you guys. Promise.

Go to the big bolded link above to learn more and to download- TODAY! As always, thanks for your support of this stupid little hobby.

PS:  This really isn’t some sort of joke. I know that you’d like to think it was, but it isn’t. Go to your iTunes and check it out. Apple even had to have some lackey look at our app and read a story about Chris Duncan humping something!