We love you guys, but let’s talk turkey- you’re pretty annoying. In the grand scheme of things, we’d all probably rather be filthy rich and not writing on this site than borderline impoverished and typing away.

But Hooks, you suck at everything… how are you going to get rich?

Good question. I’ve thought long and hard about it too. And I think I finally figured out how to get out of this albatross once and for all…

Poker.

Ahh, but Hooks, you’re about as lucky as short options trader on awesome!

Right. I know this. That’s why I’ve invested in a World Series of Poker entrant on behalf of the site.

Hold on a second, bub, isn’t that like, a ton of money?

You’re damn right it is. This annual series of card tournaments culminates with a ‘Main Event’ every July in Las Vegas. The estimated winners take for 2010 is around 7 million dollars. It costs 10,000 dollars just to sit your ass down and get in the game.

So you’re telling me that you’ve spent multiple thousands of dollars to help some poor shlub get his ass kicked in poker on your behalf?

Hmmm. No. Not exactly.

Here’s the deal. The guy in that picture? He’s Matt Viox. He’s buddies with Pat Parris. He owns his own business. And for whatever reason, he’s pretty good at poker. In fact, this won’t be the first time he’s played in the Main Event. (You may have remembered his run we covered here on the CD last summer).

Well, he’s (probably) going to qualify though an on-line tournament. This tourney is our best option of circumventing the huge buy-in. He won one of these last year, so we’re feeling pretty good about this year. And since we’re picking up part of his entry fee into this lesser tournament, then we’re going to be entitled to a slice of his winnings in the Main Event.

Game over, CD. Game the fuck over.

We’ll update you intermittently on the demise of your four hundred fifth favorite Cardinals oriented site as needed. But I want you to know that the end is nigh.

You’re not going to have Hooks to kick around ANYMORE! no comments

Well, well ,well… Prince Albert and his Greatness Anthony LaRussa had a little dust up this weekend, did they?

Interesting.

Apparently the 3 time NL MVP has a big problem with this Cardinals offense or with Double Bubble. News reports weren’t exactly clear on the matter. But in all this mess, I think we have a clear winner:

Buzz Bissinger.

The title of his forthcoming tome on TLR? “I Know How To (Explitive) Manage.”

Here, for the first time, are exclusive pics of the incident, that may or may not have been made in MS Paint.

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Due to MLBShop.com's love for photoshop, we decided to pass on the Nationals and Marlins editions of Ogle Thy Enemy, but boy, have we got another ja-a-a-amed packed post for you today.

For a quick recap of last week's Astros results, this girl in the black tank won.

I wholeheartedly agree, but I was kind of hoping the Mysterious Bikini Girl would pass her at the last second.

So let's get down to business. We even have a celebrity appearance for the first time, as one Alyssa Milano drops by to give this feature some Hollywood street cred (or at least in the Tony Danza fan community).  Here are the fine females of the LA Angels MLBShop.com page:

Red Jersey

So How "I Met Your Mother" is a pretty good show, right?

It's basically about a group 5 buddies in their early 30's who drink alot. It's got the chick from American Pie (This one time in band camp...) and Doogie Howser and the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall (who, by the way, IS the Waterboy. If you've ever read about him on this blog and wondered what he is- he's Marshall. He's even a lawyer.)

Yes, it's a half hour sitcom on CBS. Yes it's super un-cool to like half hour sitcoms with laugh tracks. But I swear that HIMYM is funny. Sometimes it's even damn funny. And SOMETIMES it's cool as SHIT!

Like this past Monday's episode...

READ WHY HANLEY RAMIREZ IS NOT A DOG HERE

The main character, Ted, is struggling with his relationship 'baggage'. He's been dumped at the alter. He's kind of dating this new girl. But he's worried about her baggage, even though he doesn't know what it is.

Turns out that the thing that scares Ted the most is hoping someone else will accept his baggage. And throughout the episode people's baggage is displayed on, well, baggage.

That's Ted and the new chick leaving all the other fuckers behind with their baggage. And LOOKY what daddy found.

Ha. Cubs fan. Good luck with that. SUCKER! God Bless the writer that threw that little Easter egg in this episode for us.

Now, some links...

• If you're into Facebook apps, reader Brent Dusing has a new one out LINK HERE
• FREE underwear. Seriously. Here you go. LINK HERE
• The accidental penis is a great idea for a blog. LINK HERE (NSFW-ish)
• I watched this stupid .gif for 5 minutes. LINK HERE
• A dog has to smell his butt every time a fart machine is pressed. LINK HERE
• Amazing beer pong shots. Side: I miss college. LINK HERE
• Can a monkey predict hurricanes better than NOAA? LINK HERE
• 1 cop and 25 stoners. The best video of the week. LINK HERE

Damn, it was a busy week. Scroll down for all sorts of crap you might have missed. No promises that we won't be back and better than ever next week.

 

FSN was openly courting the gay community today when they decided mutliple crotch shots of the Marlins SS were the best way to drive new tire sales to Dobbs was... PENIS SHOTS!

Depend on... dick?

Sorry.

But in all seriousness, I think Dan and Al were talking about glove webbing or some nonsense. It doesn't matter. You don't ever want to be that close to a MLB ball players apple bag. Ever.

(HT to @2xAught7 for the headline inspiration and the screen grab. Follow him HERE on Twitter)

It looks like old habits die hard over at the Worldwide Leader, huh?

Reader John Schulte sent in this screen cap from the Cardinal Clubhouse that lists Cardinal Scott Rolen as having a monster blast in the bottom of the ninth.

Cards win! Cards win! Wait, what?

Also, just because it came through the e-mail tonight... Is it a good thing when bars are requesting to be your friend on Facebook? I hope it's becasue of my sparkling personality...

Probably not, though.

Hanley Ramirez hates his manager, hates trying and probably hates YOU! What, you’re working all year for what I make in one at bat? TAKE THIS!

Now that the Marlins are in town, we need to have a new nickname for the defending NL Batting Champ cum scourge of America.

Soooooo….

Nickame 1: LOAF (Loaf Ramierz? Kind of catchy)

Nickname 2: SLOTH (He could make this cool. Promise)

Nickname 3: McCAIN's SCOURGE (He won't admit it... but he's getting racist in a back room somewhere)

 

We haven’t opened up the Cards Diaspora mail sack in some time. And after receiving this gem earlier today, we figured why the hell are we denying you, fair reader, the joy that we experience on a regular basis?

We’re selfish pricks. That’s why.

So here’s some atonement. And yes, this really is an e-mail from a reader whose name is redacted. But we'll call her The Hammer All Sic'd…

“I've seen a lot in my line of work. I once encountered a boy who had sex with dogs. While he was screwing the dogs, he would put a plastic bag over their heads and suffocate them to death. He would then mutilate them, and keep some of their doggy parts in a small fridge in his bedroom. Disturbing, I know. And this was not even the reason why this boy was locked up.

Seems lately some of you Cards fans would portray Lohse as one of these dogs getting it from behind while gasping for his last breath. Well, Mr. Lohse, congrats on your first win, and for all of who you are following this up with "it's about time," you can suck it. While it is his first win and he doesn't have the greatest of ERA's, it's too early to be hating on Lohse. It's too early to be hating on ANY of the Cardinals for that matter.

That's right, I'm one of those patient, optimistic Cardinals fans who burps butterflies and craps rainbows. There are few Cardinals I can recall losing my patience with-Weaver, Duncan, and Izzy only come to mind. But for you pessimistic whining-ass fans out there, quit your bitching and start cheering on your team. Yes we are a half game back, yes we were on a sucky losing streak, yes our hitter's bats were quiet, yes Ryan made some errors, and no Holliday is not performing. So what. Teams have slumps, players have slumps. It happens, and it's okay to happen...in May anyway. Now come Aug/Sept if this shit is happening, that's a different story.

But come on, Pujols is still the shit. Ludwick has been somewhat of a stud lurking in the shadows. Molina continues to pleasantly surprise me. Freese, Schumaker, and Rasmus have been holding their own. I have faith that Holliday will come around (really though Matthew, it's about time). The Cardinals are still a kick-ass ball team, and it's going to be a great season. So yes, Mr. ATHooks, the Cardinals ARE a good. For you negative Nancy fans that need help with shitting rainbows, here's this (LINK TO SUPRISE KITTY) I get warm and fuzzy inside no matter how many times I watch it.”

So there you go. Want to trade e-mail addresses for the day?

I fortunately haven’t had to actually WATCH any Cardinals games from the past week, but I swear seeing the scores and highlights have made me wish I didn’t know how to read.  Can somebody please tell me what the hell is going on down there?  Because I’m kind of freaking out up here!  These are the days when I gratefully embrace the fact that I do not get local coverage and can happily ignore the burning inferno of suck that’s being fueled 300 miles down Interstate 55.  Carry on, gentleman.  Do what you will.  I’ve got Top Chef Masters to catch up on.

In that spirit, I think it’s only appropriate to complain effusively about all that is annoying me. 

Cincinnati - The Cards have lost 9 of their last 14.  NINE!  So now, the Reds have hopped a half game into first place and directly into my irrational subconscious.  No offense, denizens of Cincinnati, but where in the hell did YOU come from?  This wasn’t supposed to happen, was it?  Now, I have to focus all of my energy on resenting these assholes, when up until two days ago, I wasn’t even aware Cincinnati was a real place.  You know, it gets exhausting having to redirect my hatred every other damn day.

Chris Carpenter giving up home runs - I realize it’s unfair to pick on the starting rotation, as these guys are really the only reason the Cardinals have been remotely successful this year.  However, it irritates me that Carp has already given up six long balls this season, including one in his last game against Houston.  CHRIS CARPENTER DOES NOT DO THAT!  This is the same guy who only gave up seven over the entire 2009 season.   To put this in perspective, he’s given up the same number of home runs this year as Todd Wellemeyer.  I just find that unsettling.

Vacuum cleaner cords - Has anyone in the history of electricity ever been able to successfully operate a vacuum cleaner without nearly destroying everything they own in the process?  I swear, it’s like a poorly choreographed martial arts action sequence when I attempt to vacuum my condo.  I almost amputated my own foot the other day after trying to make a hasty retreat with the cord twisted around my ankle.  Could someone just please have the decency to invent a levitating vacuum cleaner cord?  Good grief.

Carlos Zambrano’s poor baseball throwing - I have a confession to make.  I went to the Pirates vs. Cubs game on Friday afternoon and watched Big Z swiftly eliminate any chance of a Cubs victory by teeing up a three run shot past the ivy in the 8th.  Initially, I reacted the same way any other sane baseball fan would, by laughing hysterically and high fiving strangers as though someone had just given me an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii.  However, it dawned on me over the coming days that this game was different, as I started to feel a way I’d never felt towards Zambrano before.  I felt GUILTY. Yes, that jackass had finally gotten so bad that I actually felt sorry for him.  I was so ashamed!  After all, what is my life’s purpose if not for our imaginary feud?  This didn’t last, of course, as the fact that he was able to manipulate me into sympathizing with him only incited white hot passionate fury, so now things are right back how they should be.  Disaster averted!

Drivers who make wide right hand turns - Okay, I realize some streets simply aren’t girthy enough for the traffic trying to funnel through them.  However, what is it with the idiots who practically cause head on collisions with oncoming traffic when making a right turn?  You’re driving a Prius, not an eighteen wheeler.  There’s really no need to be so dramatic.

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