It looks like old habits die hard over at the Worldwide Leader, huh?
Reader John Schulte sent in this screen cap from the Cardinal Clubhouse that lists Cardinal Scott Rolen as having a monster blast in the bottom of the ninth.
Cards win! Cards win! Wait, what?
Also, just because it came through the e-mail tonight... Is it a good thing when bars are requesting to be your friend on Facebook? I hope it's becasue of my sparkling personality...
Probably not, though.
Hanley Ramirez hates his manager, hates trying and probably hates YOU! What, you’re working all year for what I make in one at bat? TAKE THIS!
Now that the Marlins are in town, we need to have a new nickname for the defending NL Batting Champ cum scourge of America.
Soooooo….
Nickame 1: LOAF (Loaf Ramierz? Kind of catchy)
Nickname 2: SLOTH (He could make this cool. Promise)
Nickname 3: McCAIN's SCOURGE (He won't admit it... but he's getting racist in a back room somewhere)
We haven’t opened up the Cards Diaspora mail sack in some time. And after receiving this gem earlier today, we figured why the hell are we denying you, fair 
reader, the joy that we experience on a regular basis?
We’re selfish pricks. That’s why.
So here’s some atonement. And yes, this really is an e-mail from a reader whose name is redacted. But we'll call her The Hammer All Sic'd…
“I've seen a lot in my line of work. I once encountered a boy who had sex with dogs. While he was screwing the dogs, he would put a plastic bag over their heads and suffocate them to death. He would then mutilate them, and keep some of their doggy parts in a small fridge in his bedroom. Disturbing, I know. And this was not even the reason why this boy was locked up.
Seems lately some of you Cards fans would portray Lohse as one of these dogs getting it from behind while gasping for his last breath. Well, Mr. Lohse, congrats on your first win, and for all of who you are following this up with "it's about time," you can suck it. While it is his first win and he doesn't have the greatest of ERA's, it's too early to be hating on Lohse. It's too early to be hating on ANY of the Cardinals for that matter.
That's right, I'm one of those patient, optimistic Cardinals fans who burps butterflies and craps rainbows. There are few Cardinals I can recall losing my patience with-Weaver, Duncan, and Izzy only come to mind. But for you pessimistic whining-ass fans out there, quit your bitching and start cheering on your team. Yes we are a half game back, yes we were on a sucky losing streak, yes our hitter's bats were quiet, yes Ryan made some errors, and no Holliday is not performing. So what. Teams have slumps, players have slumps. It happens, and it's okay to happen...in May anyway. Now come Aug/Sept if this shit is happening, that's a different story.
But come on, Pujols is still the shit. Ludwick has been somewhat of a stud lurking in the shadows. Molina continues to pleasantly surprise me. Freese, Schumaker, and Rasmus have been holding their own. I have faith that Holliday will come around (really though Matthew, it's about time). The Cardinals are still a kick-ass ball team, and it's going to be a great season. So yes, Mr. ATHooks, the Cardinals ARE a good. For you negative Nancy fans that need help with shitting rainbows, here's this (LINK TO SUPRISE KITTY) I get warm and fuzzy inside no matter how many times I watch it.”
So there you go. Want to trade e-mail addresses for the day?
I fortunately haven’t had to actually WATCH any Cardinals games from the past week, but I swear seeing the scores and highlights have made me wish I didn’t know how to read. Can somebody please tell me what the hell is going on down there? Because I’m kind of freaking out up here! These are the days when I gratefully embrace the fact that I do not get local coverage and can happily ignore the burning inferno of suck that’s being fueled 300 miles down Interstate 55. Carry on, gentleman. Do what you will. I’ve got Top Chef Masters to catch up on.
In that spirit, I think it’s only appropriate to complain effusively about all that is annoying me.
Cincinnati - The Cards have lost 9 of their last 14. NINE! So now, the Reds have hopped a half game into first place and directly into my irrational subconscious. No offense, denizens of Cincinnati, but where in the hell did YOU come from? This wasn’t supposed to happen, was it? Now, I have to focus all of my energy on resenting these assholes, when up until two days ago, I wasn’t even aware Cincinnati was a real place. You know, it gets exhausting having to redirect my hatred every other damn day.
Chris Carpenter giving up home runs - I realize it’s unfair to pick on the starting rotation, as these guys are really the only reason the Cardinals have been remotely successful this year. However, it irritates me that Carp has already given up six long balls this season, including one in his last game against Houston. CHRIS CARPENTER DOES NOT DO THAT! This is the same guy who only gave up seven over the entire 2009 season. To put this in perspective, he’s given up the same number of home runs this year as Todd Wellemeyer. I just find that unsettling.
Vacuum cleaner cords - Has anyone in the history of electricity ever been able to successfully operate a vacuum cleaner without nearly destroying everything they own in the process? I swear, it’s like a poorly choreographed martial arts action sequence when I attempt to vacuum my condo. I almost amputated my own foot the other day after trying to make a hasty retreat with the cord twisted around my ankle. Could someone just please have the decency to invent a levitating vacuum cleaner cord? Good grief.
Carlos Zambrano’s poor baseball throwing - I have a confession to make. I went to the Pirates vs. Cubs game on Friday afternoon and watched Big Z swiftly eliminate any chance of a Cubs victory by teeing up a three run shot past the ivy in the 8th. Initially, I reacted the same way any other sane baseball fan would, by laughing hysterically and high fiving strangers as though someone had just given me an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii. However, it dawned on me over the coming days that this game was different, as I started to feel a way I’d never felt towards Zambrano before. I felt GUILTY. Yes, that jackass had finally gotten so bad that I actually felt sorry for him. I was so ashamed! After all, what is my life’s purpose if not for our imaginary feud? This didn’t last, of course, as the fact that he was able to manipulate me into sympathizing with him only incited white hot passionate fury, so now things are right back how they should be. Disaster averted!
Drivers who make wide right hand turns - Okay, I realize some streets simply aren’t girthy enough for the traffic trying to funnel through them. However, what is it with the idiots who practically cause head on collisions with oncoming traffic when making a right turn? You’re driving a Prius, not an eighteen wheeler. There’s really no need to be so dramatic.
no commentsLoyal reader of the CD Bo S. from Colorado sent along this information on how MLB teams got their nicknames yesterday. Since the Cardinals actually beat (the 
If you really need to watch the highlights, do so. LINK HERE
I picked a selected few teams that I really had no idea about, sans the Cardinals, and posted them from his e-mail below. Enjoy...
KC ROYALS: When Kansas City was awarded an expansion franchise in 1969, club officials chose Royals from more than 17,000 entries in a name-the-team contest. Sanford Porte, one of 547 fans who submitted Royals, was awarded an all-expenses-paid trip to the All-Star Game. Porte submitted the name because of “Kansas City’s position as the nation’s leading stocker and feeder market and the nationally known American Royal Livestock and Horse Show.”
Comment: I’m embarrassed this city is in my state. Cow Town.
PITTSBURGH PIRATES: After the Players’ League collapsed in 1890, the National League’s Pittsburgh club signed two players, including Lou Bierbauer, whom the Philadelphia Athletics had forgotten to place on their reserve list. A Philadelphia sportswriter claimed that Pittsburgh “pirated away Bierbauer” and the Pirates nickname was born.
Comment: Some would say that the Pirates fan base’s collective rear ends have been pirated over the past decade.
STL CARDINALS: In 1899, the St. Louis Browns became the St. Louis Perfectos. That season, Willie McHale, a columnist for the St. Louis Republic reportedly heard a woman refer to the team’s red stockings as a “lovely shade of Cardinal.” McHale included the nickname in his column and it was an instant hit among fans. The team officially changed its nickname in 1900.
Comment: Imagine this happening in 2010. Pro sports teams just going with whatever fans are talking about in the stands and the press picks up on as their nickname. We’d probably have many teams named ‘lazy motherfuckers’.
NY YANKEES: In 1903, the original Baltimore Orioles moved to New York, where they became the Highlanders. As was common at the time, the team, which played in the American League, was also known as the New York Americans. New York Press editor Jim Price coined the nickname Yanks, or Yankees, in 1904 because it was easier to fit in headlines.
Comment: Papers were important! Those old people weren’t lying.
HOUSTON ASTROS: Houston’s baseball team was originally known as the Colt .45’s, but team president Judge Roy Hofheinz made a change “in keeping with the times” in 1965. Citing Houston’s status as “the space age capital of the world,” Hofheinz settled on Astros. “With our new domed stadium, we think it will also make Houston the sports capital of the world,” Hofheinz said. The change was likely also motivated by pressure from the Colt Firearms Company, which objected to the use of the Colt .45 nickname.
Comment: Guns and space. Only in Texas. Let me be clear about this… if this team was still the Colt .45’s, it would triple the total jersey sales in the hood. If not quadruple. In fact, I’m a skinny white nerd and want a Colt .45’s hat.
CHICAGO CUBS: Chicago’s first professional baseball team was known as the Chicago White Stockings. When the team began to sell off its experienced players in the late 1880s, local newspapers began to refer to the club as Anson’s Colts, a reference to player-manager Cap Anson’s roster of youngsters. By 1890, Colts had caught on and Chicago’s team had a new nickname. When Anson left the team in 1897, the Colts became known as the Orphans, a depressing nickname if there ever was one. When Frank Selee took over managerial duties of Chicago’s youthful roster in 1902, a local newspaper dubbed the team the Cubs and the name stuck.
Comment: A lame story for a lame franchise. Wouldn’t expect any less.
no commentsA while back Cards Diaspora brought you the saga of the Twitter scuffle between the STL Sign Guy and @athooks.
Weeks and Tweets later, the STL Sign Guy is still working me over pretty good via the social network. Grumblings have begun that this is not the real sign guy. That’s it’s the genius plan of some comedic mastermind. I’ve even been accused of authoring the Tweets myself under a fake account.
I can PROMISE it’s not me.
But let’s see if we can’t search some recent salvos for clues…
In this most recent post, the Sign Guy gets racy. With his Squeaky clean image, it’s a fair assessment that either A) The Sign Guy is letting it all hang out on Twitter because he doesn’t fully understand it’s powerful reach or B) This is actually not the Sign Guy and by using a phrase like ‘nailing chicks’, it should be pretty obvious.
I can't argue this. Seems like a vaild point.
Then again, we know the Sign Guy lives in rural MO. He' seems like he'd like NASCAR. I'd have bet he liked NASCAR.
NASCAR and mustaches. It HAS to be The Sign Guy, no?
This Tweet was in reposnse to a lady on Twitter unfollowing me and making a big public spectacle about it becuase I'm sexist. And yes, this was the post where I introduced our new female writer to the website.
The Sign Guy seems to found my humiliation bemusing. I bet he also finds gender sensitivity courses bemusing as well.
Mustaches, NASCAR and sexism in rural MO... say it ain't so!
Cheap shot. True, but still a cheap shot.
Doesn't really present any evidence one way or the other, I suppose. It just hurts.
If we had any doubts.
CASE CLOSED... It IS the Sign Guy. For SURE!
Tastes like second place… 
The apathy on the STLCards is appalling. I get the distinct feeling that this team feels it is entitled to a playoff berth. Well, boys, I hate to be the harbinger of bad news- but better teams than yours have not made the playoffs. It’s time to start acting like you give a shit and a half, since two seem to be far too ambitious…
Is there a scientific explanation on how weather patterns can just come to St. Louis and stick around for weeks on end, whereas they seem to move fairly quickly through other parts of the nation and/or world? Except for the good weather. That seems to pass quickly…
ESPN 101.1 is reporting that Tony LaRussa has indicated Brendan Ryan’s playing time will be “reduced significantly” when Flip Lopez is activated off the DL this week. Mr. Ryan seems like a good dude, but second place clubs can’t have 2 automatic outs every time the line-up turns over. He’s had a rough start to 2010 and I think it’s time for some tough talk: We probably expected too much from a role player/utility IF and it was a mistake. Expect an injury to pop up soon to get him to AAA for ‘rehab’ once his stint on the DL expires…
The rooftop bar at Joe Bucks downtown is now open. It’s going to take me a long time to process the image of Dan Dierdorf silently mouthing the lyrics to Hypnotize…
McKernan FTW! “I used to like ‘Chicken Fried’ by Zac Brown Band. Now I just think of runners left on base in scoring position.” Well played…
I like that Cincinatti could become a fun little rivalry for the Cardinals. But spare me the BS about the city’s passion for baseball. If you can’t sell out a game with first place on the line on a weekend after April- you’re not that into it. And it wasn’t even close. Swaths of empty seats in the Great American Ballpark…
Congratulations to Ryan & Lisa Jacobs who got married this weekend. Two of the biggest Cardinal fans I know. I don’t know what exactly you were trying to say about the bridesmaids when you played THIS, but I’m sure it was not comparing them to horses. Right?...
Why does everything that tastes so good, turn out to be really bad for you? That’s the worst…
Quit with the criminal investigations, quit with the factory worker suicides, quit it all and just give me the opportunity to buy this damn iPhone4. We want it and we want it ASAP. Reading about it every single day in the news is making us all mad…
The re-naming of Mark McGwire highway is a waste of time in the highest order. If the MO legislature spent one second on this, anyone that voted for it should be impeached and then pantsed. Fucking Joe Blow can’t get a job and you’re worried about 4 signs on a shit highway? You wonder why you’re considered the lowest form of humanity. This is why…
no commentsI met a girl last night who once served a hot dog to Michael Jordan. 
His Airness likes his tubed meat grilled and sans toppings such as relish, onion, mustard or ketchup. He does, however, like his bun warm. For whatever reason this conversation fascinated me to no end... but ended after I suggested she should have handed the dog to Scottie Pippen (also at this golf tournament) and asked him to apply the toppings for MJ.
She didn't get it. Probably thought I was pretty creepy.
ARE THE CARDINALS A GOOD TEAM?
Click on the link above for wild over-reaction and world-class evisceration. But having a half-day to stew on the Cardinals and their awful sweep at the hands of the Houston Astros it's clear that this team doesn't need much more than somebody to step up motivate.
Words, actions- It doesn't matter. But the leaders of this team seem very selfish at the moment. Nobody is angry. Nobody is trying to carry this team on it's back. Nobody seems particularly upset that one of the worst teams in the sport just came into their house and made them their bitches.
And that's not going to last. I hope.
Hell, it was 3 weeks ago when we were all bitching about the Cardinals relying on HR's for too much of their offense. Well- Ludwick, Pujols and Holliday have not gone yard since April.
APRIL!
So things can change quickly in baseball. And they can change violently. So as easy as it is to write pieces like the one above, with a good series in Cincinnati this weekend, the Cardinals will once again have the biggest division lead in baseball.
If they roll over and burp, though...
Let's look at some links:
Have a weekend, people. A good weekend.
Quick question, Cardinals: just what in the fuck is going on out there?
So the Astros are pretty terrible. In fact, so terrible that their clean-up hitter chokes up on the bat regardless of the count. So terrible that their best player, Roy Oswalt has considered retirement in lieu of a 15-18 million dollar per year contract. So terrible that one scout was ask to comment on the talent level of this team and he pulled a brown sack out of his back pocket and vomited before handing it to reporters.
Summation: Houston Sucky.
So, obviously, we got Loshed all over our faces last night. And Brendan Ryan collected 2 more errors, threatening to become the only MLB player with more errors than hits through 30 games played. And Matt Holliday came up small in the clutch again.
The White Tie Affair… take it away!
You remember that time when two guys wearing "Cardinals Diaspora" shirts got really drunk at the ballgame and tossed some F-Bombs at your grandma for not standing up and helping start the wave in the second inning?
If that experience soured you on high-profile bloggers, this is your chance to meet someone a little more respected than us.
Tonight at Left Bank Books downtown, you'll be able to get up close and personal (no really, he won't mind) with one of the most famous Cardinal fans on the planet, Will Leitch. Okay, Leitch is a few notches below the Hollywood people (Goodman, Hamm, Jenna Fischer, etc), but - call me crazy - I'd comfortably put him a bit higher than J-Kwon.
Will is pimping his new book, Are We Winning (details here), and will be interviewed by the Big Dog himself, Bernie Miklasz.
Fun story: Will was here on Valentine's Day 2008 pimping his last book God Save the Fan, and was joined by about 15 hardcore/lonely dorks (including a few women). That's the end of the story; I guess it was more fun for me. Especially when I told him what blog I wrote for and he may or may not have faked knowing about my site.
I'd suggest checking it out, Leitch is pretty entertaining and knows his sports, especially Cardinal baseball. And if you're afraid that only smelly fat dudes will be in attendance, you're probably right. But I'll try to remember to shower this morning. We'll see.
