I know people go and see shit like the A-Team or Shrek 4 or The Next Karate Kid- but damn, can a brother get an original movie every once in a while that doesn't sidle up to a dong and honk the night away?
I get it. People pay to see 15 Twilight's and 24 Batman movies and at the end of the day, movie studios are in business to make cash... but re-watching the Hangover on HBO this past week it's pretty clear that funny ass movies that are INTENTIONALLY funny are extraordinarily hard to come by.
My solution? More of that Jason Segel. That dude is funny.
Also, did you see that Eddie Murphy is preparing to go back out and try some stand up? The clip below is NSFW (x10, really) but at least Eddie is realizing that he pretty much pissed away the comedy genre for a generation by making shit kid movies and making a boat load of money in the process.
Give me Delirious ANY. DAY.
Can you believe it? Eddie Murphy was actually FUNNY. In fact, this was the very first stand-up act I ever saw and it made me want to be a stand up comic soooo bad.
I got a blog instead. Ugh.
Now some links...
Great showdowns in movie history, illustrated. LINK HERE
We all enjoyed Hooks' recap of his trip to the north side of Chicago (especially the part where he brought home a mashtastic W on Sunday), but I've got my own little baseball road trip to share with you. This weekend I'll be in Washington DC, and I get the honor of taking in a ballgame at the historic Nationals Park.
Wait, yeah it's called Nationals Park - no naming rights is crazy! The place was designed by the same group who did Busch III. It took some real out-of-the-box thinking for this one:
Who said cookie-cutter stadiums were dead?
And because I just can't escape the Cards' new rival, I'll be in attendance Sunday for the vaunted Reds/Nats match-up of the titans. Tickets have been incredibly hard to come by - mostly because the Nationals box office didn't want to waste paper by printing more than the mistress, wife and kids tickets.
So if I'm not in a fit of rage because of seeing Bronson Arroyo's leg kick for a couple hours, I'll share some fun observations with you.
In a pretty awesome coincidence, I'll be in town the night of Stephen Strasburg's debut (Strasmus!) on Tuesday, but unable to attend the game. It's unfortunate because of my obsession with 21 year old boys he's a really good pitcher...but I'll at least be in town and able to see Nationals fans getting pumped up over their future ace.
Now, if you don't mind exploitation for a second: what else should I do while in DC?
I know about the big "mainstream" things (monuments, Smithsonian, White House) - those are all on the agenda, as this is my first trip there. But give me something I wouldn't see on a shitty CitySearch (ShittySearch?) Top 10 list or something. Probably more importantly, give me a good place to eat. Burgers/Pizza/Steak/Cupcakes, it's all good baby.
Listen, there are only so many Rick Ankiel dick jokes and in-depth analysis of robotic looking athletic apparel models any sane person can take before they crave something more substantial.
We get that.
We can’t provide it to you, but we get it.
Thankfully, some of our friends around the globe send us links to their work and ask us if we’ll put it up on this crap site. And sometimes we even venture off this island of terrible prose and find something interesting not on RedTube.
READING ASSIGNEMENT 1) “All 30 MLB Stadiums in 60 Days (STL Edition)”
Author: Navin Vaswani
About The Author: Currently on "The Baseball Road Trip Of A Lifetime." Navin is hitting up all 30 MLB stadiums in 60 days, and writing about his experiences for Canadian newspaper The Globe And Mail.
From the Author: “I visited Busch Stadium recently, on getaway day actually, and had a fantastic time. Cardinals fans are as passionate as they come, and it was a pleasure to be surrounded by knowledgeable fans, and steeped in tradition at the ballpark. There's something about weekday afternoon baseball and, in a place like St. Louis, it's that much better.”
READING ASSIGNMENT 2) “Take the Extra Base In Front of Pujols?”
Author: Joe Posnanski
About the Author: Joe Posnanski is a Senior Writer at Sports Illustrated. He was sports columnist at The Kansas City Star from 1996 to 2009, and during that time he was twice named the best sports columnist in America by The Associated Press Sports Editors. He was also nominated for twenty-one awards by the APSE, and won additional first place national awards in feature and project writing. Joe continues to write columns for The Star.
More than one person flat out refused to believe that I had never been to Wrigley Field. Not just for a Cardinals game, but at all. It's true, though. Before Sunday I'd never even seen the stadium in person, let alone catch a game in it.
Big mistake. BIG.
I wanted to hate the place. I mean, it is the mecca of all that Cubs Suckdom and liking anything associated with the epitome of losing isn't something I'm inherently comfortable with... but I but blind hatred aside and morphed into a 10 year old boy.
Seriously. It was bad. Looking back on the pictures I took- I think I took about 40 pics in the first 5 minutes inside. Most of them completely worthless. Whatever. I didn't give a fuck.
In fact, here's a slide show I put together to some music. How awesome am I?
7 other random observations from the trip:
1) Ballpark Village needs to get done. And if it takes giving small business owners the opportunity to make something even close to what Clark St. is to Wrigley Field is- DO IT.
Without a doubt, the best thing about Wrigley Field is that it's a freaking huge party. I can't emphasize how important the 100 or so bars and restaurants within 6 blocks in any direction is to this. And I know DeWallet wants a bunch of deep pocketed 'anchor' stores to come in before they break ground on Ballpark Village... but Cardinals fans deserve this atmosphere in the summer. I'm sure it's never going to happen, but give me 15% of what they have in Chicago over the next 5 years and I'll be happy.
I know. It's not happening. STFU.
2) Albert Pujols: Appreciate him now. You think you enjoy this man's greatness. But there will be a time in your life, 10 perhaps 15 years from now where there will be an incredible void, never to be filled again.
As baseball fans, we are lucky as hell to be rooting for a guy that is better than anyone to ever play this game. As long as I live I will remember the first time I saw a game at Wrigley Field as vividly as anything I can remember something. Why? because Albert Pujols jacked 3 shots out of the park and gave me carte blanche to talk tons of trash to everyone wearing blue.
But that's my memory. This guy has provided so many of these moments, that we're all going to have one really special to us by the time he retires. We'll have shows where schmucks like me will sit around a TV set and talk about Pujols games like old girlfriends.
And you'll watch. Because it's Pujols. And he's the best we'll ever see.
3) Troughs are good. Oh, a big place where a bunch of guys can pee without having to stand in line for 10 minutes? Yes, please.
Sanitary? Who cares. I've got a belly full of beer and need to piss. So these troughs were not only economical, they were FUN. PEE EVERYWHERE! YIPPEEE!
4) Every stadium should be designed with this park in mind. No, we don't mean the steel beams in the line of sight. Or exits that wouldn't be fit for a shed. But parks with 2 things to do when you're there... drink beer and watch baseball.
If you're not interested in either of those things, then Wrigley Field would suck. But since you read this site, you are a huge lush- so you'll agree with that last point.
It's deceivingly big. It blends right in with the neighborhood, but holds 41,000 people. It's like a huge bar. A huge bar full of losers.
5) Surprisingly- lots of TV's and Old Style doesn't taste like dick. Every time I needed a replay, there was a TV near to see a replay. So the common complaint of no replay board is kind of moot.
Plus, since I was in Wrigley, I went Old Style. And it wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated. In fact, I think I enjoyed the first 3.
6) This is the 'fun' rivalry. I wore red. I stood and cheered every Cardinal play that was meaningful. I turned around and slapped honke fist bumps with Cards fans behind us.
And not once, was anything said.
Nothing.
I wrote about this last week (see below) but this isn't the best rivalry in baseball. After all, we don't have any meaningful history in important games to speak of. But everyone had a damn fine time before, during and after the game.
Perfect by me.
7) STL represented well. Probably more people in red were out since it was a holiday weekend, but I'd guesstimate that over 30% of the crowd was Cardinal affiliated in some way. And there was no shortage of Red Bird fans in the bars all over Chicago... not just down by the stadium.
We've got some good fans. Thankfully the Cardinals haven't figured this out and don't take advantage of this fact.*
Now that I've been there, I realize that the Cubs make a ton of money... but for a ton of people. And lots of times, it isn't for themselves. It's probably like wrangling cats trying to get a fair cut of everything that's going on down there by Wrigley. So no doubt, every Soriano strike out has to be more painful for the Cubs owners than rest of us. After all, we aren't footing the bill for 140 million!
*Obvioulsy this is not true. At all
So there you have it. What'd I miss? Anything?
Just some observations of a drunk kid in Chicago for the Cards/Cubs series.
Cards Diaspora is off today, most likely being immature and throwing Snickers bars into public pools or something... but we wanted to take a moment and thank our Armed Services and the people that support our Armed Services for protecting our ability to act like complete jagoffs.
Unfortunately, some of these fine men and women have made the ultimate sacrifice. Today, we pause... remember... and say thanks to everyone that has, is and will protect our way of life.
I’ve never seen a Cards/Cubs game from Wrigley Field.
In fact, I’ve never seen Wrigley Field.
For a myriad of reasons, some trite, some not, I’ve always missed out on baseball’s funnest rivalry when it takes place in northern Illinois. Sometimes it was bad timing, most of the time it was lack of friends (in Chicago and otherwise, I suppose) inviting me. But that’s all in the past now… I’m going to the game Sunday.
I’ve gotten all sorts of interesting feedback from veterans of Wrigley Field the past day or so, but really, I just want to make sure I limit the drinking to the point where I don’t partake in a urinal slide.
If you’ve got other suggestions, feel free to make them in the comments. I even believe FWC, who had a spectacular fail this week when he produced exactly 0 words and 0 pictures of Cardinals related stuff when they were literally 2 miles from his house in San Diego, will be in town. So I’ll be able to admonish him in person.
Here’s to you having a big weekend as well, doing it is, well, whatever you do. Also, thank a veteran or active service member. Many have made the ultimate sacrifice so I could guzzle Old Style and get a farmer’s tan in the world’s largest gay bar. It’s the least you can do.
Chuck Norris, have a seat. This is the baddest Mexican to ever live. LINK HERE(HT: FWC)
A pretty unique idea if you need to send a card. LINK HERE
A golf ball hitting a plate of steel in super slo-mo. LINK HERE(HT: JH)
Watch the demo of the Giants Stadium press box from multiple angles. LINK HERE
SATC II came out yesterday... so you know what that means.LINK HERE (HT: DMV)
The 5 worst movie scenes of all time. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
That's a week. For more reading, be sure to hit the links above and go to the live blog below and get creepy with Frank Stallone. Have the best weekend ever and we'll see you back here next week for more average writing.
When we were planning last night’s live blog of the Cardinals game we figured that the Padres, despite their strong start, wouldn’t be able to match the potent offense of the mighty Cardinals from St. Louis. 13 innings and one run later, we’d like to revise that thought process.
You can read the whole transcript of the chat below- and I have to say- using the Cover It Live application is cool as hell. All sorts of different things you can do to make it a really interactive experience for everyone. It’s like a virtual bar, only you don’t have to pay for the booze.
The highlights, in case you missed it:
+ Will Leitch, founder of Deadspin.com, former scourge of Buzz Bissenger, groom to be and author of the new book “Are We Winning” stopped by for an hour and participated in the reindeer games. We were right in the middle of trying to confirm some unfounded reports that Jon Jay’s new GF was a girl that had a lot of ‘friends’ in high school. He couldn’t have picked a better time visit. Do us a favor and buy the book. Here’s a chapter excerpted from it.
+Frank Stallone, brother to Sly, and friend to the unemployment line also stopped by. And it got weird real quick. In our defense- it was after midnight at this point, so it’s not like socially well-adapted people are on live blogs past 12, right?
+ Matt Sebek of Joe Sports Fan provided us with some amusing headlines.
+ Jay Randolph Jr of KFNS came by and lit everyone up with his charm and personality. You'll probably be hearing a bunch more of him now that McKernan and him are bros again on 590.
+ Speaking of... Justin Boyd of InsideSTL and all around good guy was a little drunk. But he made himself known.
+The Sign Guy pretty much proved he’s a fake when he was dropping Joe Buck and Kahlil Greene sign suggestions that would make Artie Lange blush. I'm thinking that his 15 minutes are close to being over. Hopefully. PLEASE!
+ Mike from the excellent STL website Punching Kitty, and winner of yesterday’s poll on who you’d like to see come by, was very pithy.
+ Drew Silva from Roto Worldstopped by and told a story about his friendly encounter with Bill DeWitt.
+ Our new columnist Trumbsy found out that our readers are all creeps.
+ And HMW did his very best to try and keep everything running smoothly. A special thanks to him for setting everything up. He even has Will’s cell phone number now. So he can expect some drunk dials later this weekend.
We will plan on doing another one of these in the future. Hopefully even more of you knuckle draggers can make it out… We’ll keep you posted.
A while back we tested this program that allows for real time blogging and chat during a SF/STL baseball game. It was good times.
So tonight, we’re teaming up with Joe Sports Fan to do another one. We will have live polls as the game goes on, comments from everyone and PRIZES. In fact, I'm going to mail an envelope of cash to one participant. That's right, no note. No return address. Just cash. In an envelope. If that doesn't scream 'bookmark this page and get back here at 9p CST' then I don't know you that well.
Hopefully Sebek, Trumbsy and HMW will be in the house… with FWC (tentatively) scheduled to be in San Diego for the game and checking in from PetCo live. And come 9p, that box below will be your gateway to awesome.
It’s going to happen and there’s nothing I can do about it.The Cardinals come to town this weekend for a three game series against the Cubs and I, for one, have to get the hell out of here.Between the injuries in the starting rotation and the anemic offensive production as of late, every ounce of my being is telling me to evacuate and seek higher ground.I’m unstable enough as it is, I really don’t see how watching this bi-polar Cardinals squad play the Cubs in close proximity could help things.Therefore, I’ve decided to hightail it back to my hometown in Iowa for the weekend.That SHOULD be a safe enough distance to both watch the games in relative solitude and avoid jail time, although that’s really impossible to say with any certainty.Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to just go ahead and put myself under heavy sedation.One can never be too careful.
Albert Pujols – I think my sister has accumulated more RBIs over the past two weeks than Big Al, which is telling considering she’s never picked up a baseball bat in her life and is currently almost three months pregnant.I hate to pick on all of the Cardinal’s most prominent players, but the truth is, I totally buy into the hype.I expect these superhuman genetic freak shows to always perform at epic and unthinkable levels.To see cracks in the veneer or evidence of ordinariness is THE WORST!I do not want my hopelessly unrealistic illusions shattered!
The Bachelorette – This is the most vapid and absurd donkey turd of a show that I’ve ever seen.I had a few girls over for dinner last night and we proceeded to make a drinking game out of the season premiere, in which we had to drink every time one of those morons said something about“being there for the right reasons”.We proceeded to plow through four bottles of wine, although even THAT wasn't enough to numb the appropriate number of brain cells necessary to stomach that hot mess.Someone really needs to just lock the doors to that mansion during a rose ceremony and set it on fire.We’d being doing humanity a favor and it would probably be a ratings bonanza.Win, win!
Old Style – Since the Cardinals are a mere three days away from their first trip to Wrigley this year, I think it’s only appropriate to mention that I think drinking this swill is a really stupid tradition.Old Style is not beer.It is a genetic mutation of beer that should under no circumstances be ingested by humans.Is anyone sure it doesn’t actually melt your liver upon impact?I don’t trust it.We’d probably all be safer drinking from the Wrigley Field urinals, which from what I understand, is a truly horrifying place.Although if you think about it, the generous consumption of Old Style at Cubs games is a likely explanation for why the whole stadium smells like pee.
“Go, Cubs, Go” – I absolutely LOATHE this song.It sounds like the result of a jam session between Barney the purple dinosaur, a deaf monkey and a member of the Black Eyed Peas.For years, I genuinely thought it had to be a joke.However, if there’s one thing Chicago fans take seriously, it’s their taste in shitty team anthems.(See: “Bear Down, Chicago Bears.”)It’s awful.You might as well just extract your ear drums and smash them with a shovel.
Drinking coffee on an empty stomach– I have really got to stop doing this.No matter how many times it turns me into a complete paranoid schizophrenic, I still never learn. I swear, this morning I was actually vibrating.That can’t be healthy.
every once in a while that doesn't sidle up to a dong and honk the night away? 
something more substantial. 
