If you’re a good American, then you haven’t given one second of thought to Canadian baseball this summer. At least I think they call it baseball in Canada. You’re right; they probably call it something Canadian like hand ball or ball toss or some other very bland, yet friendly moniker.

Here’s what you need to know to get you ready for STL Cards vs Toronto Blue Jays:

Joe Carter doesn’t play for these guys anymore?! What! Outrageous. But I guess looking back, that was 1993 when he hit a dramatic walk-off HR to win the World Series. Shit, that’s like 17 years ago. My bad. I mean it’s not like these guys are still managed by Cito Gaston, ha ha ha. Wait, what?

The Blue Jays are like a team hybrid of Jack Cust, Nick Stavinoah and Matt Stairs all rolled into one. They either hit the ball out of the ballpark (1 in MLB) or they don’t hit it at all (26 in MLB hits, 27 in MLB Batting Average).

Something named Jose Bautista leads the team in HR’s (18) RBI’s (46) and bats a whopping .227.

Sky Dome, the Blue Jays home field has a hotel attached to the stadium where people leave the blinds open and hump for everyone to see. At least the cool people leave the blinds open. Toronto doesn’t discourage this, as it takes away from what people paid to watch on the field.

According to Discovery.com, if a Blue Jay and a Cardinal were to fight in the wild, the Cardinal would kick the piss out of a Blue Jay.

The Jays are 38-32, the Cardinals 38-31. The Jays play in what may turn out to be the most brutal division (5 games back already) EVER and the Cardinals reside in the Comedy Central (currently first place). Not much of a point here, other than to thank Uncle Bud for putting Shittsburgh, Cincinnati and Houston in our division back in the 1990’s.

June 2005 was the last time the Cardinals and the Jays played. Toronto took 2 out of 3.  The Blue Jays are 13-5 at home since May 1. None of these stats will have any bearing on this series whatsoever.

If you have a heart- you’ll enjoy this: LINK HERE

5 Things We Hate About the World Cup:

I’ve been enjoying the hell out of this World Cup, don’t get me wrong. But these 5 changes need to be made ASAP. Unfortunately, most of them are so ubiquitous, they won’t be.

Guys grabbing their heads in disbelief when they miss a header/kick in the box and the ball sails wide of the goal. Pal- not every time you get a body part on it, is it the chance of a lifetime. They know the camera cuts to their face and they feel like they need a reaction. When Kobe misses a shot he doesn’t grab his head in disbelief. When Peyton Manning misses a wide open pass, he doesn’t raise his arms up and scream to the heavens. Fucking compose yourself, man.

The flopping. I promise you this… America is a lot of things, but we aren’t fucking floppers. So you want to know why soccer isn’t as big here as it is everywhere else? HERE’S WHY. We love the NFL and MMA because when those cats go down, they went down for a reason. If they’re laying on the playing field, we expect 6-8 week absences and protest groups on how their sport is too violent. No offense, but if this is how the rest of the world plays sport- then I’m not worried about our lone superpower status vanishing anytime soon. Pusswads.

The hyperbole. Yesterday’s NZA v ITA draw was called one of the biggest upsets in World Cup history. You know what? It wasn’t. New Zealand did a great job to get a point… but THEY DIDN’T WIN. They tied. An upsetting outcome for the Italians? Yes. An ‘upset’? Fuck and No. A tie is a tie is a tie. And if you’re going to have them, then you’re going to have to BEAT the better team to be labeled and ‘upset’. End of story.

The Vuvuzela complaining. People, they’re not going away. And any and all jokes about this plastic horn are more worn out then a 5 day old Lenno monologue. If this is the extent to which you’re involved in this World Cup, then politely STFU and do something else. If you wanted to trade your life with an African, I’ll arrange that for you. I’m sure you’d find a couple volunteers to give up their Vuvuzela for your minivan. Until then…

David Beckham. AKA the brooding brit. AKA the male Kardashian. His sour puss is the iconic symbol of World Cup 2010 so far, which is upsetting on so many different levels.

Bonus!

1 Thing We Love About the World Cup:

France’s national meltdown.  Effin’ frogs.

It's Father's Day.

While the women get all the credit for going through "labor", the miracle of babies wouldn't be possible without you.

Today we celebrate all the things you normally do, but instead of pissing and moaning about you not cutting the grass, watching sports on TV all day and farting loudly and giggling... everybody celebrates it! Not a bad deal.

Now if we could just figure out a way to get rid of those little shits for the other 364 days a year...

Back to watching Tiger win the US Open so we can have an NBC montage on how he parents.

1) I haven't really explained this well- so here it goes.

A company called SB Nation has asked me to be a feature contributor writing about the STL Rams on their new STL centric hub. If you want to think of it like ESPN Boston or any of their other micro sites, but for STL and not owned by ESPN- then you've got the picture.

The guys from Viva El Birdos are doing the Cards stuff. Joe Sports Fan is contributing where they can. I'll be handling the Rams stuff along with the guys from Turf Show Times and some YTD person will be covering the Blues.

Do me a favor and check out my first piece... then bookmark the hub and go to it. Some talented people are running and contributing. And since they actually pay us all- it will be updated regularly. For the two people that care, I have stepped down as a Featured Columnist for Bleacher Report to accept this job.

2) So by the time you get around to wasting your time with this site today, the US Soccer team will most likely be done with their game and have determined their WC fate. A win and they're in the KO round. A loss and they're out. A tie and they're playing Russian roulette with goal differential that they most likely won't win.

Not to put it too bluntly, but I just don't think I can fully get on board with a sport where the US can't beat Slovenia. Pay me a hundred bucks and I couldn't even get within 500 miles of identifying this nation on a map. Cocky jingoism? Absolutely.

3) The Cardinals need to continue forward momentum against the Oakland A's. This is not a good team and quite possibly could be the lightest hitting teams ever assembled when all the stats are complied in the end of 2010. Less than 2 of 3 is unacceptable

Now a big batch of "The Friday Links"...

• So if you use a newspaper in a TV show or movie, it's this one. LINK HERE
• Now that you've read that link, here's the story behind the story. LINK HERE
• The most brilliant truth you will find about your Internet habits. LINK HERE
• Weightlifter attempts 1008lb squat. Pukes on judge instead. LINK HERE
• The new Internet meme: Sad Keanu. LINK HERE
• The Roots & Ice Cube "Straight Outta Compton". Sick. LINK HERE
• Dating was just as painful back in the day, I suppose. LINK HERE
• There is no point to this. None. LINK HERE
• The cat finally got his tail. Now what? LINK HERE
• If you like drunk texts from last night, you'll love the voice mails. LINK HERE
• A Toy Story and The Wire mash-up. LINK HERE
• This is just wow. LINK HERE

So there you go.

Please scroll down for HMW's excellent MS Paint on the don of STL Sports Media...

Albert Pujols:  So guys, we really need to hone in and start focusing on our consistency.  While we’ve managed to stay in contention, there are small things all of us need to work on if we want to be a cohesive unit and pull ahead in the divisional race.  Each of us should think about what we can do to help generate or contribute to team chemistry.

Matt Holliday:  So, uh…does that apply to me? (Gazes absentmindedly at reflection in a hand mirror.)

Pujols: Yes, Matt.  That ESPECIALLY applies to you.  I don’t mean to complain, but you’re the highest paid player on this team and you haven’t really been very effective lately.  I mean, no offense, buddy…but this is starting to get frustrating.

Ryan Ludwick:  Seriously, dude.  You may be better looking than me, but I am absolutely better at my job than you right now.  And I don’t get paid DICK. 

Pujols:  Ryan, try not to be vulgar.  Let’s all be mature adults here.

Ludwick: Sorry, Al.

Holliday: Guys, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but do you know the PRESSURE I am under?  It’s like I have the weight of $120 million dollars on my shoulders!  Plus, do you guys know what this St. Louis heat and humidity does to my hair?  IT’S JUST SO HARD!!!!  (Puts face in hands, weeps openly.)

Pujols:  Matt, you DO have the weight of $120 million dollars on your shoulders.  I’m not sure where the confusion is coming from here.  And I don’t understand how the weather is relevant.  You’re bald.

Yadier Molina: Can I interject?  Matt, I don’t even care about your so-far-unjustifiable salary.  More to the point, do you know how much I hate the fact that you’re just out there wandering around the outfield like an idiot while I’m stuck in a goddamn OVEN, crouched behind home plate and having to catch pitches in the dirt from jackasses like Blake Hawksworth?  I can’t even believe this shit!  You want to talk about heat and humidity?  I’ll SHOW YOU heat and humidity!  (Stands and lunges at Holliday.)

Pujols: (Intercepts Molina’s attack.)  Hey, Yadi, let’s keep our emotions in check.  We’ve been friends for a long time and I support and respect you unconditionally.  But we all know that Matt is a couple of DVDs short of a boxed set.  (Looks over at Holliday who is grooming his imaginary facial hair.)

Molina:  Jesus.  I can’t handle this. 

Adam Wainwright:  Um, guys?  Can we talk?  I don’t want to sound needy, but do you think you could help me and Carp out?  I mean, I think we’ve been throwing the ball pretty well, but it’s not every day that we can pitch a shutout.  (Chuckles nervously.) Any chance we could talk you into some run support?  Not, like, crazy amounts, but maybe 4 or 5 runs?  Just sometimes?

Chris Carpenter:  I swear on my life, you assholes make me want to light fire to my groin.  Waino and I cannot do EVERYTHING OURSELVES.  Big Al, you know what I’m talking about!

Ludwick:  Hey!  What about me, jerk off? 

Carpenter:  (Rolls eyes.) Right.  Sorry, dude.  How could I forget you and your perfectly bulbous head? I mean, bat?  I mean…yeah, whatever.

Jaime Garcia:  (Stares meekly at his feet and whispers to himself.) What am I, ground meat? 

Dennys Reyes:  Did someone say meat? I thought I just heard someone say meat. (Gnaws on raw 24 ounce rib-eye.)

Holliday: (Sits filing fingernails.) So, can someone wrap this up and just tell me what I’m supposed to do?  I have a soiree to get to.

Carpenter:  A what?

Pujols:  A soiree.  It’s a party. 

Wainwright: This is unbelievable.

Ludwick:  Does that mean a party for gay dudes?

Jeff Suppan: Wait, what?  There aren’t homosexuals on this team are there?  Oh, please, no!  SOMEONE DISINFECT THE LOCKER ROOM!

Molina:  Oh for the love of god, Jeff, not this crap again.

Suppan: I will pray for you, Matt.

Carpenter: Sorry buddy, but you ought to probably save those prayers for yourself.  Since you went to Milwaukee you’re not so much  Cy Young as you are CY OLD, amiright guys?  (Smirks and holds up his palm for a high five which no one returns.)

Ludwick: (Stares blankly.)

Molina: (Stares blankly.)

Wainright: (Stares blankly.)

Holliday: (Applies Vaseline to his teeth.)

Pujols: Please shoot me.

Every Friday, stltoday.com unleashes a new critically-acclaimed "Media Views" column on the universe. The ringleader in this circus (whatever that means) is Mr. Dan Caesar. He is the most important columnist for the most important subject in our lives right now: St. Louis sports media.

A question you might be wondering is, "Why all the fuss over a weekly column about the guys who talk about sports - not the ones who play them?" That is an outstanding point, to which no one has a good reply for.

But somehow Dan Caesar gets conservatively 75 billion clicks per article. The town is always abuzz for a good two or three days after his column is published. It sparks tons of conversations among 25-50 year old men, and 80 year olds who want the Cardinals back on KMOX. It doesn't exploit St. Louis' small-town nature at all.

Normal, rational people might point out that sports TV ratings are down, along with sports radio ratings (not to mention "quality"), so if Dan Caesar stopped writing about the media, only a handful of people would notice. But where the hell would we get analysis on local Super Bowl and Kentucky Derby TV ratings? Or where would we turn for a Brian McKenna "Hey, you just got fired, how do you feel?" quote?

So what all goes into a Dan Caesar column? How does he make the magic happen? Let me explain to you via my favorite way of story-telling: MS Paint...

First - you've got to get the blood flowing, so go kill a bear at the Zoo.

Next, stalk Tim McKernan. Don't call him. Don't email him. Just follow him around town and get the first hand scoop of what he's thinking.

Now that you have your story, get to typing! That shit is due in two days, hurry! They usually write themselves, but throw in some additional drama for a few extra site clicks. Oh, and ratings, we love discussing radio stats with our friends.

The column is done and people are eating it up. Fistfights are happening all around town, so job well done. More importantly, it's Friday morning, and after a hard week of reporting, you get a little while to relax. Ahhhhh.

The next Monday, it all starts again. Run and hide, bears - the pythons are on the loose.

Malcolm Gladwell's popular book, The Tipping Point, talks about how the 'little things' make a big difference in the totality of person.

The dictionary calls The Tipping Point "The point at which an object is displaced from a state of stable equilibrium into a new, different state"

Bottom of the 8th inning, 2 out, runner on third. Cardinals trailing by 1 run and Matt Holliday comes to plate.

After struggling mightily to hit with runners in scoring position, months after becoming the highest paid Cardinal, Holliday dug in knowing his past had lead to much hand-wringing amongst fans and a change in his batting position by the team. For any other player on any other team, the outcome of this one at bat, in the middle of June, against a terrible opponent wouldn't mean dick.

Unfortunately, for Holliday, It was his tipping point.

After his slow grounder was corralled and flung to first for the 3rd out in the 8th, the normally tacit and docile home crowd stood and booed their teams prized off-season acquisition. Anyone that watches this team on a regular basis knows that Cardinal fans aren't booers. They are many things (sheep-like, crazy, pudgy), but they aren't people that cannibalize their own without long and hard thought.

.189 with RISP will do the trick, apparently.

So the dirty little secret that bloggers and fans have been talking about for at least 6 weeks is now out in the open. Flayed out for Holliday and his teammates to see... we're pissed he's getting more money than Pujols, Wainwright or any other Cardinal, but contributing nothing to a closer division race than we all anticipated.

It's now us Vs. him. Holliday against the world. Pandora's box is open and he can expect a similar reaction to similar production until he proves he was worth the investment that the Cardinals made in his this off-season.

Unfair?

Perhaps. But it's sports. You make the big bucks and you take the big blame. Through June 16th, Holliday wouldn't be classified as anything but a disappointment. And all the talk of how much pressure he is putting on himself and how he feels worse than any fan is all nice talk show fodder.

But it's up to Holliday to tip us back into his favor, not the other way around.

Jeff Suppan felt like Bambi out there on the mound last night.

All cute and wobbly on his wittle Bambi legs. Just trying to do the wery west he could do. We rooted with all our hearts that he wouldn’t get shot, but when Yadier Molina visited the mound when the sacks got packed in the top of the first… It looked like the anti-abortionist movement would have to make an exception for Suppan’s career.

Somehow, disaster was averted. Bambi had made it through his first start (again) as a St. Louis Cardinal and gave us at least a glint of hope that he might be able to pull a quality start out of his puffy little tail at some point these next few weeks.

Now let’s not get carried away, though. At the end of the day, Suppan couldn’t get through 5 and the bullpen was used liberally. Again. And we all know that these extended outings from relievers don’t usually get spun into October gold. If Suppan’s next start is a carbon copy of this one- it won’t be acceptable.

But for now, I’m willing to accept this as a step in the right direction.

ASIDE: What happened at the end of Bambi? Did the mother get shot or Bambi? And if it is the mother that got shot A) why does everybody assume it was Bambi and B) you think Hollywood would have the balls to make a kids movie where a main character dies sadly at the end?

Mid-June in year 1 of a 7 year pact for Matt Holliday.

The day after Ryan Ludwick (temporarily?) took over the 4th position in the batting order from Matt Holliday.

It's far, far too early to call this signing a cock-up on par with Kyle Loshe or Mark Mulder... but here's the stark reality: Ryan Ludwick, if he continues this level of play, is leaving St. Louis after this season.

According to Cots Baseball Contracts, Ludwick is playing 2010 under a 1 year 5.45 million dollar deal. Holliday will make just slightly more than 17 million. Seeing as the Cardinals have publicly stated that they don't want Albert Pujols to reach the option year of his contract (2011) means that every 4 RBI game Ludwick produces, the more his price climbs out of the reach of the St. Louis Cardinals.

Holliday is a talented player. And most of his angst at the plate has been saved for AB's with runners on the base paths. You assume that these splits of bases empty/runners on will come closer to even by the end of the year. But this isn't so much a referendum on his performance as it is a lauding of Ryan Ludwick. Because he leads MLB in one of the more important stats in all of baseball-

Batting average with RISP.

Those are the kind of stats that get corner outfielders money. Going on tears of 4 HR's in 7 games are the kind of stats that get GM's moist. Bad, bad combination for the Cardinals ownership.

Ludwick does owe some loyalty to the Cardinals, yes. They were the ones that nursed him back to prominence after the Cleveland Indians all but gave up on the oft-injured, but talented prospect earlier this decade. But loyalty only burns so deep when your entering the prime of your career as an undervalued player on a championship caliber team. At a certain point you've got to take the best deal you can get.

Another couple of nights like last night for Ryan Ludwick and that deal isn't going to come from the Cardinals.

COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE: For the most part, I'm a pretty daft man. Being deeply cynical, prevents many big surprises... but this past Saturday I was had. Some family and friends threw me a surprise birthday party... and I was surprised. 95% of the 10 people who read this junk everyday won't be interested to see a clip of me being shocked to see a house full of people when I came back from binge drinking during the US/UK World Cup match- but for the 5%... LINK HERE

Claiming that the pioneering spirit of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and their ‘Thunder Sticks’, Cardinals Chairman Bill DeWitt announced Sunday that his team would be the first to introduce the Vuvuzela to American sporting audiences.

Widely criticized by players and soccer traditionalists alike, the plastic horns have become the hottest topic at the 2010 FIFA World Cup currently taking place in South Africa.

“We understand that the Vuvuzela doesn’t have the popularity of a magnetic schedule or hastily designed Ice Mountain poster… but there was a day that the MLB didn’t have Dominican’s either and that’s worked out for the Cardinals” DeWitt said before taking a deep pull off his custom Cardinal Vuvuzela.

He added “Besides- we’re the fucking Cardinals. You’ll blow when we tell you to.”

Sandy Jennings, spokesperson for the St. Louis based Institute for the Blind and Deaf immediately decried the announcement in a written statement on their website: “The St. Louis Cardinals are leaders in our community. They need to set a better example. Dan and Al are more than enough to take.”

Meanwhile US Local 133 of the plastics council, pledged to support the Vuvuzlea night, claiming that he expects more than 10 new jobs to open up when the order for the plastic pipes is placed this coming month.

Local Chief Russ Bradley added “This could be the move that finally gets Ballpark Village going, right?”

Dewitt took few questions from reporters, but did make it clear that Vuvuzlea night was being planned for the August series against the Cubs.