Busch Stadium. Sunday, August 22^nd 2010.

It was a monumental day.

HUGE.

It was a day of greatness and grand delight. My family took that day in TOGETHER and came out of it, collectively, as real winners.

And no, you are wrong if you’re thinking it had anything to do with Jaime Garcia’s complete game, three hit shutout in which he faced only one more than the minimum number of batters and threw just 89 pitches.

No, friends, it’s because it was Chris Carpenter bobblehead day! Wooooooboy, what a spectacular shit show that place was! You would think they were giving away solid gold statuettes that we could all melt down and sell to one of those “cash for gold” places in the event of an all but certain apocalypse. I have never in my life seen a massive group of people stand in line on a 90 degree day in anticipation of something so infinitely PRECIOUS.

It’s Chris Carpenter! Made out of some sort of plaster/plastic hybrid that I’m not smart enough to identify! It has a TRANE logo on it! And his head bobbles!!! WHY WAS THIS NOT NATIONAL NEWS?

Thank goodness my mom brought her trusty backpack, or we would not have had the capacity to handle all of our bobbleheaded goodness. (Cool backpack, Mom!)

I personally had grand designs for my little guy. He’s sitting in waiting on my boss’s desk (super diehard annoying Cubs fan), but I’m just SURE that there is a legitimate reason for hording these absolutely PRICELESS pieces of art that hold such a striking resemblance to #29 (if you squint real hard to the point of nearly passing out).

Such magic!

I encourage all of you to get on eBay IMMEDIATELY and get one for yourself. Screw all of the small children who didn’t make it in time to grab one for themselves. YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE, SUCKAS! I now know fulfillment like never before.

And also, Jaime Garcia did such good job! What an awesome added bonus to what turned out to be the best day ever because of these Chris Carpenter bobblehead dolls! WE ARE ALL WINNERS!

10 games.

3 awful teams.

1 season in the balance.

The Cardinals busted out the whuppin’ sticks on MLB’s patented doormat last night and began the most important stretch in their season with a 10-2 win. They’ll play the Pirates for 2 more, the Nationals for 4 and then Houston for 3 before an off day and a Labor Day showdown series with the Cincinnati Reds.

Surprisingly mediocre against bad baseball teams, the Cardinals are 2.5 games back of the Reds as of Tuesday morning, and this stretch of patsies has become a definitive fork in the road. Go less than 7 for 10 and the Cardinals put themselves in peril of being eliminated from the NL Central race by the end of Labor Day Weekend. Win 7 or more games and most likely head into Labor Day Weekend close to even with the Reds and have an opportunity to bury an up an coming team at home.

What will these guys choose?

I could tell you that last night was an indication of their focus. I could also tell you that the Pirates had to burn up an already bad bullpen with 9 innings of work. This team has been consistent in one thing and one thing only in 2010… being inconsistent. So to harbor any sort of guess as to what’s going to happen these next 9 days would be silly.

Here it is boys.

The path is splayed out and lined with roses. Are you going to venture a stroll down it, or pull your pants down and have a poop?

Resolution is near.

People- it's time to move. To Denver.

I've been to Denver several times now and I honestly say that it's one of my favorite American cities. I think San Diego still edges it out for the top spot, but a couple more weekends like this past one and I'm ready to give it serious #1 consideration.

1- The weather was sick. 90 and sunny with no humidity during the day, perfect for the pool or rafting. 73 and breezy at night, perfect for going out.

2- All sorts of interesting people. I was riding in a cab and saw a monkey riding a bike, followed by a clown on a unicycle, followed by a chick on stilts. This didn't seem to catch anyone's attention but me. The cabbie? He just worked weekends beacuse he's a stock analyst at Wells Fargo during the week. He runs a cab to get extra money to pay off student loans quicker... see? More interesting.

3- You can still get baseball. Sure, it's Rockies shit- but it's not like you'd be deprived of MLB if we went out there.

4- I don't smoke weed, but you do. And it's pretty much legal. As far as I can tell, the requirement to get a medical marujuana card is this: ask for one. People are smoking wide open in Denver.

I could go on, but I think that's enough. Can you give me even 2 reasons we should stay in STL? Besides the Cardinals? And is that really a reason right now?

From what I can tell, the Cards flipped that switch and pretty much kicked the Giant's asses after a pretty lousy Friday night game. I'm not here to break any of this down. I know as much as the fine fans at Twitter were telling me. And to be quite frank, the times I checked that thing were sparse. I was taking shots of Jameson and regailing people about our whitewater adventure at death river.

Here's a video. It was instense.

We made it out. Barely. That guide was really underselling that particular rapid. In fact, she said she was already bailing on us when my buddy Bo, the guy on the right with me, and I went high side, yanked those other two wimps to saftey and saved the trip.

Otherwise? Well, it's death river. I'd be dead.

Congratulations to Jim and Lin, BTW. They don't read this site and didn't even know I was a writer, so they'll never see this. But whatever. Free booze in DENVAHHH!

Scroll down and read The Mad Librarian and her CD debut...

Ed Note: This is the first of many articles from the Mad Librarian. Enjoy!

I got all sorts of baseball-related anger bubbling up inside me. Anger at the Cardinals, who for the first time have me ready to elbow drop on the panic button before sure defeat is in sight. Anger at Cardinals fans, who insist on being sweaty, self-important, wave-starting douche bags. Anger at my own self, 'cause I apparently kicked my TV antenna last time I was in the attic, and now I can't get KSDK in to watch the Sunday games.

But let's not start our relationship with anger. Let's start it with magic:

What's that? Oh yeah, it's the Rays blazer. The boys are wearing it on their road trip out West. I already loved the Rays. Now I want to marry them. All of them.

Well, all of them except manager Joe Maddon, who's calling them "BRaysers." Sayeth Maddon: "The BRaysers are in, they're fabulous, they met with everybody's approval. We're going to wear them on this trip: the team BRayser.''

BRaysers? Fabulous? I don't want to start anything, but he sounds like a ghey.

So.

Back when Van Ram started this site in 2005, it was a pretty intellectual place. Statistics were analyzed, smart people congregated, etc, etc. Then the Washington Fucking Post offered RVB  a job and he pretty much realized that this site was heading in the wrong direction. Fast. So he jumped.

No seriously- The Washington Post

For a while I went at it alone. The posts weren't good, but they came most weekdays. And a funny thing happened on our way to complete failure... more people actually started reading for some reason. Actually, the World Series run in 2006 was the reason, but I like to think it was my tremendous work ethic.

For a while, we had Fresh West Coast post some things here or there, but he doesn't like to be tied down, so he just e-mails ideas and links when he can. It's good for the site... but still, it was me. And you guys were getting sick of me.

Luckily Bert Flex collapsed and we picked up HMW. Then for some reason Trumbsy was just kind of writing her own blog and people weren't finding it- because I happen to think she's insanely talented, unlike HMW and I. I have no doubt she's going to be a star if she wants to be.

So that made 3. And the feedback I get through the site has been positive. Most the articles that people send notes about aren't mine. Sometimes they think they're mine, but they're not. They're usually HMW's or Trumbsy's.

Starting today, we're hiring another writer: The Mad Librarian.

Who is she? Let her explain:

• Prefers heels to faces
• Enjoys the view from section 356 at Busch
  
• Believes mascots are untrustworthy crotch-thrusters
• Acknowledges that Jason LaRue is a jobber, but would hit that anyway
• Canceled cable, so listens to games on the radio (hee-HEE)
  
• Probably knows more creative swears than you
  
• Loves everything about baseball except the designated hitter
• Quotes Will Ferrell movies extensively
  
• Possesses both a rack and a working knowledge of Fangraphs

So there you go. She used to work with HMW over at Bertflex. She's a female so now we have some balance on this site. And she also happens to be funny as fuck. Or at least funnier than Seth Rogan.

Welcome her. Her first post is coming very soon.

Sorry if all of this is extremely boring, but I figured I owed an explanation about what we're doing with this site.

Love,

ATH

Some breaking news - Danny Mac was arrested late Monday night on suspicion of driving drunk. And for some reason, the Post used a picture of him when he was about 16. The "new and improved" beefier Danny Mac would laugh at that scrawny little bastard, but then he'd have to sit down because he's out of breath. It's kind of weird that the news of this took three nights to come out, as obsessed as we all are about 1) Cardinal baseball, 2) St. Louis sports media, and 3) gossip. If even three or four St. Louis moms ever started a gossip blog, the city would crumble.

Read Hooks' Weekly InsideSTL article HERE

As for Thursday's big news, mere hours after prying away Pedro Feliz from slow-pitch softball teams everywhere, Cardinals GM John Mozeliak declared that the ballclub should kinda sorta start winning games, maybe.   Per BJ Rains (the Cardinal writer, not the 90s porn star), Mozeliak says:

"We have to start wining baseball games. Talk is cheap. It has to start tomorrow."

Hey, yeah! I like that idea. Let's listen to that guy.

So the series vs. San Francisco begins tonight with the Cards 3.5 games behind the Reds (though only two in the loss column). I'm pretty sure their GM gave the "talk is cheap" speech already, which could be why they re-gained the NL Central lead. Maybe this is the point where the Birds quit making asses of themselves.

The Giants won't make it easy, with MadBum, Lincecum and Zito taking the hill. They wouldn't even let the Cards knock around Todd Wellemeyer, who was just cut loose. And because I know you're wondering - I'm 99.9% sure the Cardinals aren't interested in bringing the Todalion back. They already have enough guys off the scrap heap, they're going to have to spend extra for all those World Series rings.

And because Hooks is out west at a Glee Convention...oops, wasn't supposed to say that...here are some links / some stuff / and some junk for you to enjoy:

• Want to be buried in a Cardinals Casket? Done. I wonder if they'll throw in a Fat Head or two? LINK HERE
• How doest the Flux Capacitor work? LINK HERE
• Movie Infographics - there's a lot of stuff to go over, but it's pretty cool (and nerdy!) LINK HERE
• Hooks sent me this, and I'm curious what his description would be. LINK HERE
• The only bad thing about this is that we don't get to cut down the trees to make phone books. Dammit! LINK HERE
• How does Justin Bieber's songs (and others) sound 800% slower? LINK HERE
• Leave it to a guy named Stephenson Billings to determine if your husband is gay or not. LINK HERE
• YouTube clip 1: Why didn't they take video of some fat guy pounding the shit out of the vending machine? LINK HERE
• YouTube clip 2: Still under 21 and need beer? Watch and learn, kiddos. LINK HERE
• You like trivia. You like movies. And I know you like Legos. LINK HERE
• Who knew about the Illinois State Fair and didn't tell me?? LINK HERE
• Brendan Ryan: Lots of questions, including "What in the effing hell is this?" LINK HERE
• Gamechangers Ep. 3 - Joe Buck makes it to Funny Or Die. LINK HERE

Have a good weekend, and here's to Producer Joe KO'ing "Media Member" Evan Makovsky later tonight.

Hey guys!  Sooooo, Adam Wainwright lost his first start at home yesterday afternoon.  Of the WHOLE YEAR!  That's neat, right?  Like, we should probably throw a party for him or something, because I bet he's really excited that his season of domination at Busch Stadium has unceremoniously come to an end.

What a rush! 

I'm sure he's not at all upset with his teammates for taking a nap in the dugout until the ninth inning, while he strung together seven effective consecutive innings of throwing baseballs in efforts to keep the other team from scoring too many runs (only THREE!), while at the same time kind of thinking that maybe that whole Cy Young thing might be kinda cool. 

Nope, I'm sure he's super supportive of these guys for really not coming through in any serviceable way and basically sounding the death knell for the team's playoff changes.  It's an athlete's dream, I'm SURE, to be the only guy out there who wants to actually play the sport he's getting paid to play in a manner that indicates he might be interested in winning some of these dang things. 

Such a thrill! 

I bet Waino is just sitting in his mansion this morning chuckling to himself and thinking, "Man, those guys are HILARIOUS!  Did you see how Brendan Ryan struck out that one time?  WHAT A RIOT!"  He's probably hoping these jokesters keep the fun going, as he no DOUBT finds it as amusing as a Will Ferrell movie or one of those web sites that has pictures of dogs in cat costumes. 

There is NO WAY this ever stops beig completely amazing and enjoyable in every conceivable way.  I mean, if I were him, I'd probably write a really heartfelt thank you letter or send a nice basket of cheeses and jams.  "Dear Felipe Lopez, you are a delight and I'm impressed EVERY DAY by your ability to be the kind of third baseman who can provide us all with the enjoyment of seeing our guests/opponenets run dizzying circles around the bases  You're so not good at that job!  Marry me?"  That's what he wants to say, I'm just certain. 

I swear, if there were a "hug your co-worker" day, Adam Wainwright would be ALL OVER THAT.  Just hugs all around!  Good job, team!

No, but seriously, guys.  I'm going to fucking shoot myself.

This season has been exhausting.

I know we’ve all moaned about the schizophrenic nature of this year’s squad, but it truly cannot be overstated.  The 2010 Cardinals are MADDENING! Just when you think it’s safe to assume there’s a bit of forward momentum, they turn around and shit the bed against teams that shouldn’t be trusted with a whiffle ball bat. I challenge ANYONE to make sense of it.

Hell, the Birds couldn’t even overcome the force that IS Carlos Zambrano last weekend and I’m not sure he’s totally recovered from his brain reorganization surgery. (Totally a real thing. Look it up.)

In other words, this is just getting too painful to talk about. And since I can’t inject any optimism into my blackened and charred Cardinals thought-space, I figure I might as well redirect my focus to making fun of our opponents instead.

I’m actually road tripping down to St. Louis for the Cardinals’ three game series against the Giants this weekend, so to that end, I think it’s time we do a bit of speculation about their locker room and try to ascertain just EXACTLY who we’re dealing with here. Let’s play a game of “Boxer or Briefs: Giants Edition”!

Pat Burrell – My guess? Boxers. He somehow managed to survive years of abuse in Philadelphia and come out a hero, so you know this gentleman goes for a more laid back and relaxed fit. I can’t imagine one could withstand that kind of pressure with any kind of constriction.

Mike Fontenot – Totally a briefs guy. He spent some time in the Cubs farm system, which means he lived in Des Moines, IA at some point. I trust that’s clear enough justification.

Juan Uribe – Boxer briefs. Mr. Uribe played on the Southside of Chicago for a number of years and was also reputed to be involved in a bit of gun related drama back in his native Dominican Republic in 2006.  He needs something snug, so that he can safely store his weaponry without pulling a Plaxico.

Mark DeRosa – Jock strap (no cup).  Sure, he’s been on the DL all summer with a wrist injury, what’s the big deal?  He just wants to be prepared! Plus, I bet he likes the way it looks.  SO SPORTY!

Tim Lincecum – Like this guy even bothers. You know he totally free balls it.

Barry Zito – Leopard print thong. Oh, don’t give me that look.  You know you were thinking it, too.

With these mental images carefully established (you’re WELCOME!!!), I, for one, am just SURE I can approach this weekend with some levity. Despite my general unease about which team I’ll get to see, (Jekyl or Hyde?), I am genuinely excited to finally see some action at Busch.  At least I’ll get to be surrounded by Redbird fans for a change, which is a notable upgrade from my day-to-day existence here in Cubbie Bear Country. I’m really going to try and enjoy it and not spend the full three days locked in a perpetual state of homicidal rage.  (Side note: are ballpark hot dogs as good when you desperately want to choke Kyle Lohse to death with them?)

So, anyway, GO CARDINALS? Siiiiiiiigh.

CardsDiaspora.com will be in the capable hands of HMW and Trumbsy the rest of this week, so don't expect any bitter musings from an angry man in the morning. You're links will still be around on Friday and if you really miss me- I'll be posting crap during my trip to HERE

Also, read this story on how bad the Rams are. I hear the guy that wrote it is sexy. LINK HERE

Funny.

Remember when Brandon Inge was this semi-crap third baseman for a Detroit Tigers team that got steamrolled by a scorching hot 2006 Cardinals team en route to World Series # 10? If he would have retired right then and there, I’m not sure that anyone in St. Louis would have remembered him as anything other than the guy that was standing there as Adam Wainwright capped off an improbable post-season run as we’ve ever seen.

4 years later, he’s the savior in waiting.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but just know that your box score is correct this morning. Jamie Garcia gave up zero earned runs and was tagged with a loss to the Brewers.

How?

Well, Flip Lopez looked like a monkey fucking a football at third base.

A day removed from getting a breather at third, a position that Lopez likes probably the least from the SS/2B/3B option,  he knew the pressure was on to pick up his game defensively (his offensive struggles are another story) and that’s what we got. 2 egregious errors and another sloppy loss. The Cardinals are now a full 2 games back of the Reds in the NL Central race and have erased all gains from their series with said team last week.

It’s painfully clear that the Cardinals need a body at third base. Which doesn’t bode well for the Cardinals. Inge has passed through waivers, meaning he can be traded to the Cardinals. The problem is that that Tigers know how desperately the Cardinals actually are. Hence, I have to assume that their demands at the current moment are patently ridiculous.

So really, Lopez’s sudden collapse from serviceable to severe liability is working doubly against the Birds. He’s costing games AND PROSPECTS!

This season is slowly devolving into one of the most disappointing I can remember. Expectations were soaringly high at the beginning of 2010. And a mere 11 days away from September, this team has failed to coalesce.

Now we wait for Brandon Inge to save the season?

Baseball is a funny, funny game.