Don’t you do it.

Don’t you dare do it.

You’re watching those highlights from last night, seeing Albert go yard and Colby jack 2 home runs and go 4-4 and you’re thinking ‘5 games? 5 games isn’t completely unreasonable.’

Well it is. And so are you if you’re still hoping against hope that this Cardinal team takes advantage of the suddenly slumping Reds and makes one last desperate push for the postseason. Don’t let yourself get sucked back into this vortex of self-loathing hatred know as fandom of the 2010 Cardinals. You’re better than that. And you know it.

READ InsideSTL: SHOULD WE JUST BLOW IT UP?

Watch the games. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have that right. But what I am asking is that you don’t invest a single iota of your emotion into this team anymore. They don’t love you back. They’re incapable this season. So put your passion into something that rewards you back.

It won’t be easy. In fact, tonight, the Cards will probably beat the Atlanta Braves to pull even closer in the Wild Card chase. But as soon as you drunkenly decide to give these dogs one more last final really this is it chance… just remember that Kyle Lohse is pitching on Sunday. Against Tim Husdon. And really, you know that means the best the Cardinals can do is 3 of 4 with 2 of 4 way more likely.

READ SB NATION: 6 THINGS TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU KNOW THE RAMS

I hate to be the turd in the punch bowl.

Well, that’s not true. But I really do hate to be a bastard on a Friday. But I’ve been hearing rumblings overnight on Twitter and other places that broke my heart. People are talking themselves back into the 2010 Cardinals and they’re just going to end up more jaded for it at the end of the season.

I implore you to have some self-respect. To know when to say when.

Now, the Friday Links…

• Did you know that a lightbulb has lasted 109 years? LINK HERE
• Tennis: where fighting in the stands should happen way more oft. LINK HERE (HT: BNH)
• Nic Cage as everyone. Enough Said. LINK HERE
• Don't mess with my bone, tail. LINK HERE (HT: JRH)
• If you've ever liked Lego's on any level, then this is pretty cool. LINK HERE
• Who says Iran doesn't have a sense of humor? LINK HERE

Also, since the Dogtown Street Festival put together a super kick ass video for their event this Saturday, we figured we'd just straight embed the thing here and let you decide for yourself if it's worth your time to go down and check it out. I think you will.

The Cardinals got their asses whipped while they laid down like beat dogs. So… that must mean it’s time for the marketing team to swing into action!

Wait, what? Is there a loser’s bracket now in the MLB? Awesome!

Seriously, did nobody really check the subject line of this e-mail that has even an iota of baseball knowledge as it pertains to the standings? Is everything so wild-eyed optimistic with the Cardinals and their marketing parteners? Blood diamonds? Pffffft- those young boys will be juuuuuuust fine. Maybe we can send them some autographed Fredbird pics?!

Further- it’s always a GREAT idea to promote heavily the guy who the press revealed… JUST DEMANDED A  TRADE!

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I mean if there is one guy you DON’T want to highlight in a e-blast, it has to be the guy that is spending his free time crying to the front office to get him the hell out town, right? Was there no other option for my points? Colby Rasmus, huh? Can I get Tino Martinez to give me an enema instead?

Just brilliant marketing. Keep it up Cardinals.

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There's plenty to bitch about these days, so let's get to it, shall we?

Colby Rasmus - Listen up, kid. YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE!  All of this extra drama surrounding TLR and #28 is getting a tad bit annoying.  Do you realize, you little whippersnapper, that this could all have been avoided if you had just kept your damn mouth shut and not behaved like a floppy haired Fall Out Boy fan who got his poor little feelings hurt?  Now Albert is all kerfuffled and NO ONE WANTS THAT!!!  I mean, I think we all know that Colby's sensitive and has some daddy issues that he's dealing with, but the guy is one critically arched eyebrow away from openly weeping in the dugout.  GROW UP, COLBY!  Siiiiigh.  Kids these days!

Tony LaRussa - As for you, sir, would you kindly remove the redwood that's lodged in your rectum and just act like a normal human being that has emotions and feelings and stuff?  Good lord.  I understand you're a real legend around town and the most INTENSE MANAGER EVER, but give me a flippin' break.  This god complex is just irritating.  Do you really want to run every single player that you have a spat with out of town?  That is not good business practice, sir!  They should have taught you that in law school.  I mean, I understand that it isn't your job to be Colby's personal cheerleader, but would it kill you to take it down a notch and maybe just massage the kid's ego a little bit?  He's got to develop some confidence sooner or later and then you can go back to being a stone-faced badass with no soul.

Public Restrooms - Seriously, what do women DO in public restrooms?  Attending sporting events is made ten times more complicated when you have to juggle beer drinking with the possibility of using the bathroom.  It's always a game of Russian roulette, as you either walk into a stall that's perfectly adequate or one that looks like it's been sprayed down with a garden hose.  At that point, you only have a handful of options, all of which require Olympic level gymnastics and a hand sanitizer bath.  So in the end, you do the best you can and just hope to walk out of the bathroom without contracting toilet AIDS.  It's a truly horrifying experience.

Brandon Phillips being RIGHT - Man, this guy is just not very popular in St. Louis!  It's sad that the best part of watching the Cardinals this past weekend was the elongated booing that corresponded with each of Phillips' at bats.  However, this would have been a whole lot more satisfying if the Redbirds hadn't spent the past month pretty well validating everything he's said about them.  You know what, Mr. Phillips? While I might not agree with your word choice, (this is a family blog, right?), your allegations just might be true.  And that really, really sucks.  (Turns on "Everybody Hurts" and cries into a gallon of Ben & Jerry.)  WHY, GOD, WHHHHYYYYY???

Reply All Emails - As do most people in corporate America, I get waaaay too many emails in any given work week.  Half of it is useful and half of it is spam and Evites.  You know what are the worst?  Reply all emails.  Anytime someone sends out a mass email you inevitably get a handful of people who find it necessary to share their feedback with the entire group.  "That video of dogs on a treadmill was SOOOO FUNNY!" says some dumb idiot I've never met in response to a friend that I wish I didn't have.  That was such insightful commentary!  Thank goodness I wasn't left out of this email chain that is in NO WAY cluttering up my inbox! Stupid reply all emails.

As the Cardinals have unraveled over the past weeks, I’ve discovered ever more Best Fans in Baseball™ who overlook the well-documented facts and blame the lack of a certain je ne sais quoi in the clubhouse. I haven’t heard this much chemistry jibba-jabba since my high school days, and it’s exhausting.

Baseball fans who believe in the healing power of team chemistry are like adults who believe in unicorns: sweet, harmless, daft. And so, the conversation generally goes a little something like this:

 

Unicorn Lover: The chemistry in that clubhouse is toxic.

Mad Librarian: Skip Schumaker’s offense is toxic. Good chemistry does not create good athletes.

UL: Yes, it does! [Begin discussion of children’s sports films, where the good-hearted, scrappy team beats the rich, talented, evil team.]

ML: Oh, fuck my life.

 

I’d pass on nine Ecksteins (18 career WAR) for nine shit-disturbing Mannys (with 40 WAR since the scrappy Eckstein scrappily debuted 10 scrappy seasons ago), but I realize that this makes me a rarity in a town swept up with LaRussa’s love of scrappy white guys. So after suffering through this ridiculous conversation several times, I performed 17 minutes of grueling research to determine the importance of team chemistry in creating a winning team.

 

I hereby present to you the hierarchy of factors that influence the outcome of a given game:

 

1. Athletic ability and skill of players.

2. Injuries to key players.

3. Use of performance-enhancing drugs.

4. Grittiness of players.

5. Random-ass luck.

6. Managerial tactics.

7. Which team Aaron Miles is on (if neither, skip this item).

8. Relative awesomeness of each team’s uniforms.

9. Whether you’re wearing a rally cap. (Yes, you.)

10. Appropriate timing of and enthusiasm for the wave.

11. Whether the crowd applauds sacrifice bunts because they understand the game, man!

12. Team chemistry.

13. Oprah’s will.

14. God’s will.

15. Tom Cruise’s will.

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Over the weekend, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa admitted to the press that his favorite whipping boy, Colby Rasmus responded to a good tongue lashing by balling up in the corner and vowing to never stand up unless he was traded. Both ran to GM Johnny Mozeliak to tell their side of the story. And it was funny.

Until we remembered that both these people are millionaires. Then it was pretty pathetic.

So let’s go ahead a figure out who’s side we are on since there is no clear-cut Cardinal we should be rooting for. It’s time for...

THE TALE OF THE TAPE!

Colby Rasmus

PLUS: “Fire Burning In The Outfield”

MINUS: That silly brim.

PLUS: Super sweet swing.

MINUS: That super ugly strikeout swing.

PLUS: Youth.

MINUS: Daddy issues.

Tony LaRussa

PLUS: Celebrity friends of the program.

MINUS: Buzz.

PLUS: 30+ years of managerial experience.

MINUS: 30+ years of completely unnecessary pitching changes.

PLUS: That mane. What a mane.

MINUS: That DUI video. For shame it wasn’t before YouTube.

THE WINNER?

Meh. By TKO.

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The NFL season is less than a week away.

We've created a NFL Pick 'Em group on Yahoo! Sports and want you to join. It's dirt simple. You pick which NFL team will win that week's match-up and the person with the most correct at the end of 17 weeks wins the prize.

It's FREE to enter... but you will win CASH if you're the best. In fact, we'll make it $1 for every player that registers. So if 100 people sign up- you'll win 100 bucks. Deal?

Good. Do you part and send this post along to anyone you know that A) needs money B) likes the NFL or C) has a crippling gambling addiction they need fed.

Here's how to enter:

1) CLICK HERE

2) Press 'Join a Group'

3) Enter the group ID (49856) and the Password (cardsdiaspora).

4) Make your Week 1 picks and continue to comeback every week and do the same.

That's it. Dirt simple. Free cash. How can this go wrong?

Good luck!

(Just for the legal crap... up to 200 players. We barely make money on this crap and 4Chan is capable of anything...)

Labor Day Weekend is supposed to be a time where we sit back, drink until our livers reject themselves and look forward to October baseball.

2 out of three isn’t all that bad, I suppose.

READ HOW THE CARDINAL DOGS WILL ROLL OVER on ISTL

I guess the good news is that after the Cardinals finally put themselves out of misery by Monday, we can finally start to sort through just what the hell happened and how we can start getting ready for an actual serious run at the post-season again.

The graphics that show the Cardinals records in September the past 5 years are just insane. It’s been since 2004 since this organization was more than 4 games over .500 for the month. And really, if you can’t close, then that’s the fault of someone. Perhaps it’s LaRussa. I suppose it could be Johnny Mo. Blasphemy… Is it Pujols?

GASP!

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. As Jeff Passan of Yahoo! sports succulently put it this AM on The Morning After radio program- any team with Pujols, Holliday, Carpenter, Wainwright, Garcia and Rasums is going to be over .500, even if they try not to be. So let’s not jump headfirst into deep despair quite yet.

And despite the hyperbole and Cardinals bashing that this site routinely engages in… yes- the Cardinals 2010 is technically not done. I think the division will be wrapped by Monday, but the Wild Card race will at least be something to keep an eye on for the next 15 games or so. If the Cards can somehow pull a miracle out of their ass this month- great. I’m not expecting it. At all. But I guess it could happen.

We’ll see. And frankly, I think we’ll learn if all this character bashing served as some sort of motivation to the team, or if they really are spineless douches.

Now the return of The Friday Links

 

• What could you do today? LINK HERE
• Hipster Hitler is fast becoming the best comic strip ever. LINK HERE
• The best of 50 Cent on Twitter. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• 'Baby Got Back' Gilbert & Sullivan style. Much, much better. LINK HERE
• Trumbsy e-mailed this to me and said this must be a Cubs fan. LINK HERE (HT: Trumbsy)
• I've been trying to work this into a post for 2 weeks. Screw it- here it is. LINK HERE (HT: FWC)
• Peeping Tom caught on camera. LINK HERE
• Your move, CAPTCHA. LINK HERE
• Looks like 'Double Rainbow' guy had a kid and made it a .gif. LINK HERE
• Looks like this guy has found a way to avoid the DMV and their Socialist ways. LINK HERE

Have a great Labor Day weekend friends! Enjoy the Cardinals finally sticking a fork in 2010, the Missouri/Illinois football game and/or any other activity you deem worthy of your participation. Let's just make sure whatever you're doing, it involves copious amounts of booze. You're much more fun when you're buzzed.

Happy Labor Day.

Oh, you guys. I’m so depressed.

The Cardinals are playing like little bitches. TLR is benching Rasmus even though he’s superior to Jay, then attending politically divisive rallies with Pujols. The Cardinals are selling cut-rate fall tickets via Groupons. LaRue still hasn’t grown back his luxurious porn ‘stache. Even Curt Copeland isn’t blowing his wad over the ‘Birds right now.

It’s hard out there for a fan.

So, yesterday afternoon when an e-mail titled "6 Ways to Handle Life's Setbacks” arrived in my inbox, I took pause. It was from my friends at WebMD. Like most Americans, I primarily use WebMD to self-diagnose life-threatening diseases. (For example, I enter "cough" in the symptom checker and decide I have tuberculosis instead of an innocuous virus. Fun, right?) The site sends me e-mail newsletters from time to time, and I generally delete them. But this one spoke to me, maybe because I’ve been sleeping 14 hours a night since the Cardinals fell into their slump. (Shut up. I take baseball very serious.)

I thought these tips could help me work through some of my sad and angry feelings -- and maybe it can help you, too. So let’s do this together:

1. Do Rely on a Supportive Network of Family and Friends
Chickity-check. I’ve been berating the Cardinals, TLR, and those of you who still defend TLR to everyone who will listen. And thanks to the magic of Facebook, Twitter, and blogs, my bitching has reached an entirely new scale. Thank you, Al Gore!

2. Don't Check Out. Do Stay Committed and Engaged.
Is this what it’s like to be the parent of a teenager? I want to be all, “If this is how you’re going to behave, then you can go to your clubhouse and think about what you’ve done! I’ll see you in 2011!” And then bam, I walk away with my head held high, watch the Rays for the rest of the year, and let the Cardinals stew in their own juices (ew). But it’s not my style. The truth is: Cardinals, I can’t quit you.

3. Take Small Steps and Be Persistent.
A day at a time, guys. We have to remind ourselves that no matter how bleak it is, no matter how undeserving of a playoff berth this team is, they could come back. Maybe facing the Reds will help the boys shed their funk (ew). Maybe they’ll run this year out rough, but Johnny Mo and company will get some religion about making some changes to the team and its management. Maybe we’re all just brains in jars, like in The Matrix. You never know.

4. Exercise Regularly.
Omg, are you calling me fat?

5. Don't Take Things Personally.
I buy 10-plus games a year, overpriced nachos and beer, and that MLB TV/radio package thingy to share the season with the Cardinals. I have burned my thighs on the bleachers, shivered through games so cold my snot froze to my face, and sat through hours-long rain delays. I tolerate Hrabosky and McLaughlin, Parris and Horton, Morgan and Miller -- not to mention asshole fans who provide their own play-by-play or strip down to their plaid frat-boy shorts to start the wave. Don’t tell me not to take things personally!!!!11!!!!1

6. Be Flexible.
Um, check. The Cardinals are all about flexible. Six starting third basemen in a year? Bring it! A roster packed with utilitymen? Sure! It’s one of the best things about the team, and heavens knows they’ve managed to MacGyver some solid feats. Unfortunately flexible does not mean good. The team is reaching the point where they need a surprise tactic, like the Mighty Duck formation with all that crazy quacking.

Earlier this week, Matt Sebek of JoeSportsFan and KFNS.com set the internet ablaze with his take on the Cardinals' upcoming Social Media Night. Matt pointed out plenty of problems with the event, one of which being McGraw Millhaven as part of the expert panel. If they had scheduled McGraw to only talk about the legacy of Chalk Talk, I don't think there would have been any problems. But it looks like McGraw is there to talk about how everyone else could/should/might be using social media, you know...since he hasn't tweeted anything since July 13th. Though I'm sure he's whoopin' legs on Farmville.

In the wake of all that, the on-field Cardinals have been buying some prime real estate in Beatdown City, and Mr. DeWitt has a pile of September tickets that need to be sold. Since no one wants to pay full price to see Kyle Lohse get knocked around the park every five days, the Cardinals decided to slip in a few more special event nights, in hopes that Sebek or Viva El Birdos or even some lesser hack blogs (cardinalpoopjokes.com, ankielnailedmeinthepaddyosbathroom.com, cardsdiaspora.com, etc.) talk about it on their websites and generate a little buzz.

Here are those promotions, with a little rundown of what to expect - straight from the Cardinals' PR Department.

Attention Whore Arm-Wrasslin' Showdown

All your mom's favorite Cardinal fans will be on hand to participate in an Arm-Wrestling tournament to decide who's the biggest attention-whoring fan St. Louis has to offer. Of course Sign Guy will be there, along with his arch-rival, Die Hard Cardinals Fan. The Cardinal Cowboy will parachute in from the top of the Arch. Father Time is working on a sandwich board right now and will be handing out flags and buttons. The "Stayin' Alive" lady from the Bleachers will be performing the National Anthem. And when he's not competing, local blogger Matt Sebek will be live-tweeting the event [sorry, cheap shot]. Come on out Wednesday September 15th as the guys in red who play on the large grass field take on some guys in blue...AND IT WILL BE BROADCAST ON ESPN!!!! THEY MIGHT PUT THE CAMERA ON YOUUUUUUU!!!

BROcial Media Night

Hey Brah - Is Jersey Shore your fuckin' life? Come join the Cardinals for BROcial Media Night, Saturday the fuckin' 18th against the fuckin' Padres. You'll receive an Affliction or Tap-Out shirt of your choice and take a tour of the Cardinals weight room facility, where you'll be able to work out and pose in the mirror while the game is going on. The Cards even have a fucking Red Bull machine, I'm being for real, brah. Celebrity guest Colby Rasmus will display his flat-brimmed hat collection at 8pm. He won't be playing, so feel free to head over to Hrabosky's together and get a head start on scouting for pussy. And you'll be in fucking perfect position to Ice Brendan Ryan when he walks in the door. It'll be a fuckin' blast Bro!

Dan McLaughlin Midnight Pub Crawl and Go-Kart Madness

(Nope, let me delete this paragraph. We don't need to be sued. -HMW)

Terrible Trade Proposal Seminar

Anybody can do what John Mozeliak does. It's really not that hard - you look up and see who was an All Star this year, or look at the Top 10 Prospects list from Baseball America, and you trade for them by begrudgingly parting with valuable trade chips like Jeff Suppan or Bryan Anderson. You know who's good and who sucks, so the most important lesson we'll teach you: how to go public. How to go as wide as you possibly can. Message boards, call-in shows, Social Media (holy shit, we're having a Social Media Night too! You should come). Until you have the balls to deal "some minor leaguer" (we still have Brian Barber, right?) for Hanley Ramirez, you're not ready for the big time, son. If you're good enough, Mr. Mozeliak will ask you to be his assistant, and you can quit your refrigerator repairman job for good. Come on out Monday the 27th as the Cards take on the Pirates. Heck, they'll probably want to deal Pedro Alvarez so they don't have to pay him for the last six days of the season. Mike MacDougal should get it done.

Dirty Euphemism Day

On Sunday, October 3rd, "come" see the Cardinals play a "Hard 9" against the Colorado Rockies. They feature stars like Carlos Gonzalez and Jason Giambi. If anyone epitomizes "playing for the other team," it's Jason Giambi. Be there in time to see Jon Jay "shagging" in the outfield during batting practice, and maybe by October, Brendan Ryan will have "found his stroke" and "jack one off" into the stands to give the fans a "happy ending."

God Bless America will be performed by the Incarnate Word Choir once again, so they're familiar with "Busch."

Friends:

The Big Guy works in mysterious ways. We certainly didn't want to gather here today under these circumstances; times like these are never easy for anyone- especially when our loved ones are taken from us so unexpectedly.

2010 began it's life as a good season. 2010 filled us with hope.

After all, a full year of Matt Holliday, a blazing fast start from super-rookie Jamie Garcia and the addition of flame throwing Brad Penny with his smoking hot girlfriend all had us pretty stoked about 2010. And at first, 2010 didn't disappoint. Hell, if anything, 2010 was turning out to be easier than anticipated. The Cubs were abysmal from the gate, the Brewers never really got it going and the Reds? Meh, the Reds were too young. They weren't ready for the grind.

April and May were good months for 2010. Even after a wild 20 inning affair with the skank pies from Flushing Meadows, it vacillated between 3-5 games up in the NL Central and the games over .500 kept creeping up in increments of 5, just like Mr. Tony LaRussa liked. 30-22 heading into June was just where 2010 wanted to be.

June came, July went and the Cardinals ended the month 12 games over even and maintaining a slight lead over the Reds... but a funny feeling started to creep into 2010. Sure, Carpenter and Wainwright were both bonafide Cy Young candidates. Jamie Garcia was gunning for a ROY award and Pujols had rounded into Triple Crown mode. But like those creepy videos where dogs can sniff out cancer in humans, the fans were wondering if 2010 secretly had some problems that they didn't know about. Why did 2010 not feel right?

Oh, if they only knew.

If July was a hiccup for 2010, then August was a full on heave where the esophagus ceases to work. Then you get AIDS. August 3rd, David Freese was shut down for the season after dropping a weight on his foot during rehab on his foot. On August 4th Jason Motte was put on the DL. On August 9th, the Cardinals were called 'little bitches' by Brandon Phillips. On August 10th, Jason LaRue was knocked out of 2010 with a cleat to the dome. On August 12th TLR was suspended for 2 games. On August 15th, Kyle Lohse was hammered by the Cubs who were on a 3 for 18 game winning streak.

And just when we thought that things couldn't get worse for our dear, dear buddy... 2010 went on the ROAD TRIP FROM HELLLLLL....

We knew that 2010 was hanging on for dear life and even wrote about this 10 game stretch where the Cardinals would play the NL's 3 worst teams in succession. Lose 2 out of 3 to the Pirates. Lose 3 of 4 to the Nats. Lose either 2 or 3 of 3 to Houston?

No 2010. You didn't. WHYYYYYY, 2010? WHYYYYYY!

We didn't see it coming. Seemed like just yesterday we had visions of revenge for the nut catch heard round Cardinal Nation. We were making plans for October and pointing to Labor Day Weekend as the coronation of 2010 into the annals of St. Louis baseball lore.

Now, 2010, I'm sad to say has died. Official cause of death? Lack of heart. And balls.

Sure, some will be in denial. But rest assured, 2010 is dead as dead can be. It's over. All we have left to do is wait around for the death certificate to be certified on October 3rd around 4:15 CST or so. I plead with all of you not to move into denial and tell us that their is still hope for 2010, that it can make a comeback.

It hurts my heart to hear that from you. Because you know 2010 is dead.

Farewell 2010. We won't miss you, really. Not at all. You made us feel things we don't like. Please feel free to take most of this roster with you.