Death, delayed.

In what must be the single longest funeral procession in the history of the Cardinals, the eminent death of 2010 is taking her time closing the coffin.

The Cardinals took it in the anus from the worst team in MLB last night 5 to 2 and played with the inspiration of Christopher Hitchens on a Lortab.

Worse, all the awards that you nut bags still watching this pooh filled diaper of a team , well those dreams were all but slammed shut when Roy Halladay twirled another gem for his twentieth win, (later Cy Young) Pujols hit the wall with 39 HR’s (Votto is a lock at this point) and Garcia’s pending shut-down (looking more irrelevant in the ROY voting than at any point in the year).

Oy.

Now for hard-line cynics, we did get some validation on our theorem that the 2010 Cardinals ‘quit’  when the club outright released Flip Lopez for… wait for it… quitting on his team. More specifically, not bothering to show up for games when he was supposed to.

But NOOOOOOOOO….

These guys were busting their humps all season long. They’re STILL busting their humps according to the front office.

Right.

And I’m fucking the queen of England.

Blow this team up. In fact, I’m in favor of a Survivor-style set-up where one guy gets sent home per loss. Even set up the press-conference room like the Tribal Council area, have TLR as Jeff Probst extinguishing flaming jock straps on sticks as a symbolic gesture of that players neutering.

US Cellular could even set up a fans choice text poll: I'm sorry Brendan Ryan, the fans have spoken, bring me your torch.

It won’t change anything, but it’ll damn will make me feel better.

I was rooting around in my desk today and I thought of you guys!

You want to see a big joke? Click the 'Read More' button next to comments... 

You heard that right...

1:52 was the game time that resulted in a 4-0 Cardinals loss. Good effort, men!

Here is the offical letter that was sent just after the game:

Let me get office douche on you here for a second and say ‘first, some housecleaning items’.

1.  We’ve hired another writer. He’ll be named ‘The Business’ and his first post is below this one. Please have a read and welcome him into this effed up little family of ours.  I’ve already got one e-mail from a lady who said that he’s “disgusting” and “not funny”. So he’s acclimating nicely.

2.  I’ve added a ‘Staff’ section on the right hand sidebar so people can see just who the hell works here and what they do. You’d be surprised how many people think that I just write everything on this site, but that’s not the case. At all. So before you get pissed at me for something, make sure and read the byline. I’ve also included e-mail contacts for all the staff, so if you want to reach out to them directly, feel free.

3.  I don’t want to deep tease too much, when I’m not sure how/if it’ll turn out. But I think we’ve got something in the pipe this week that you’ll find enjoyable and hopefully something we can do more often. I’ve said too much already…

Rooting for numbers.

99% of Cardinal Nation has come to grips with the fact that the Birds will be missing the playoffs for the third time in four years of Albert Pujols’ prime. But that hasn’t stopped them for rooting for the team via ‘the numbers’.

They root for Wainwright to get to 20 wins or Pujols to hit 40 home runs or whatever statistical milestone their guy is gunning for in 2010.

Frankly, I don’t know if there could be a sillier single thing than rooting for the numbers. And it’s not because I hope that Rootbeer doesn’t get to 20 wins- because I hope he does.

Simply: it doesn’t affect me as a fan. Not one iota.

Wins help get the team closer to the postseason. In which I can rip of Cubs fans for not being there while simultaneously rooting for the guys when the nation focus has turned their way. The games are more fun, more intense, more meaningful. It’s awesome watching October baseball when your team is still in the hunt.

Stats are kind of the byproduct of success as a team. The more good stats you accumulate, more likely the amount of wins increases. Hence, your chances of playing past the regular season are increased. Stats in and of themselves are nice for the guys you’re pulling for, but once they’ve been eliminated- they matter none.

I’ve never had a passionate argument about Adam Wainwright’s win total in a bar. I have re-enacted his breaking ball against Carlos Beltran in the 2006 NLCS 100 times. 20 wins is irrelevant to me and only important to Wain-O’s agent. So pulling for this arbitrary number is not only silly, it’s probably counterproductive to actually securing his services the next time he’s up for a contract.

Some have made the argument that it’s about watching baseball, and that they’re not ready to give up the summer just yet. You know what, I get that. I feel the same way. I’ll watch an inning here or an Pujols AB there, just to know that fall hasn’t totally started in earnest yet.

But the outcome of those AB’s is irrelevant to anything in my or your sporting life. So don’t try to act like you’re rooting for ‘stats’ when all your doing is drowning your sorrow for another lost season.

With apologies to the troops overseas that were miffed at the Friday Links’ absence on Friday… here are the Friday Links on a Monday.

See what I did there? Genius.

• Malibu from American Gladiators talks injury. Wow- the 80's were awesome! LINK HERE (HT FWC)
• 31 foods with their names misspelled. I don't know why this is funny. LINK HERE
• Inside the world's most opulent private jets. LINK HERE (HT:JRH)
• Why do criminals always wear Yankee hats? LINK HERE (HT: JRH)
• Cranktexts can waste up to an hour of your day. It did mine. LINK HERE
• Graphjam probably could have taken me from a D to a D+ student in math. LINK HERE
• Cameras attached to birds will make you want to fly. LINK HERE
• Just not what you want to see when you step up to the urnial. LINK HERE

Many apologies for not having these up in a timely fashion this weekend or Friday for that matter.

Ed Note: So this hell hole keeps getting bigger. We've hired another dude to write words since we're looking to get more content up on a regular basis. So that brings the stable of writers to 6. We've got The Mad Librarian, Trumbsy, HWM, athooks, Fresh WC and now....

The Business.

He comes with glowing reccomendations, but there is no need to splay those out for you here. Just read. Get to know him and all the authors we're now housing at this site. And enjoy. (Site note- a new 'staff page' with bios and e-mail and what not is in the works so you can keep all of us straight.)

If, like me, you’ve been too busy with your job, day-to-day life, and wrestling school to keep up with the Internets, you might have missed this story in the Post Disgrace detailing the kerfuffle surrounding Kiss Cam:

As the popular "Kiss Cam" roams Busch Stadium Saturday afternoon looking for couples to feature, among the crowd will be a group of at least 200 gays and lesbians — some hoping to be featured smooching their partner.

(snip)

The request to feature same-sex couples on the Kiss Cam at Busch Stadium grew out of an incident that occurred Sunday at the Edward Jones Dome, where the Rams hosted the Arizona Cardinals. During the Kiss Cam feature, two men dressed in Arizona jerseys were among the couples shown. The crowd laughed and booed when the two men tried to shoo away the cameras.

The Cardinals have a disease. And it’s not called apathy; at least not today.

Nope those sick animals over in the Birds marketing department were up late again and in their delusional state decided that it would be awesome to give away a personalized replica jersey.

Nice.

I mean, it’s not like I can wear the thing without any pride (or without Matt Sebek getting creepy pics of me). But F it. It’s like 99 bucks regularly so… FREE MONEY!

Tell me Cardinals, what do I need to do? Fill out a online form allowing you all my personal data? No?

Don’t tell me I have to create a Flip video and submit it to a contest where all my friends will have to vote for me to win the damn thing. I hate those things. No?

Well then… WHAT?

Whoaaaaa, there bub. Are you being for reals right now? Bloatware?

(blōt´wãr) (n.) jargon Software that has lots of features and requires considerable disk space and RAM. As the cost of RAM and disk storage has decreased, there has been a growing trend among software developers to disregard the size of applications. Some people refer to this trend as creeping featuritis. If creeping featuritis is the symptom, bloatware is the disease.

Can you at least mail me a free 8000 hours of AOL, first?

Maybe you have scientific studies that prove that a majority of your fan base is completely computer illiterate. But I find it more than a bit ironic that after your initial ‘Social Media Night’ that you’d be willing to push out an e-mail that encourages web activity that not even the most black hat marketer is wasting time with anymore.

A whole toolbar? For a CHANCE at a $99 replica jersey?

You rascals. You must be sitting there watching your download count and laughing your asses off this Friday.

But on the off chance that you’re serious and you think this is a good way to get ‘sticky’ with on-line fans of the Cardinals… you should be fired.

Seriously.

We here at the Diaspora are always trying to find out the pulse of the people. Trying to see what's buzzing around town.

And today is no different - today we want to know who (or what) is to blame for the Cardinals' awful 2010 season. The easy way out is to pick five or ten different contributing factors, but we want one fucking answer. One answer St. Louis! No BS, no holding back.

We hiked up our pants and stopped by Delmar Gardens for a little Man on the Street, to see what the movers and shakers there have to say about the Redbirds. After all, the Delmar Gardens residents represent the past, present and future of St. Louis. Let's see what they said:

Agnes Murblepester - Lopez has tattoos all over the place.

HMW: Lots of ballplayers have tattoos. Chris Carpenter has at least one, and I think a couple more. He's pretty good.

Agnes: Well if that Lopez concentrated on hittin' the ball instead of killing people and going to the tattoo parlor, we'd be a lot better. I like when Aaron Miles plays instead.

HMW: (delivers roundhouse kick to Agnes)

Harold F. Anger - They don't have the games on the damn radio anymore!

HMW: Huh?

Harold: A few years ago they took them off the air. But I read not too long ago that they'll be back next year. Mr. Shannon and Mr. Hagin really get along with each other.

HMW: Have you ever tried tuning into 550, possibly right around 7 o'clock every night?

Harold: Whaa?

Virginia Stumpflipper - The Media is being too negative. They should cheer on the Cardinals like real fans.

HMW: Oh, I definitely agree...

Virginia: They're always talking bad about our Cardinals. It's really hurting their play.

HMW: Yeah, you're right! What the heck is going on?

Virginia: That Frank Cusumano is sometimes tough, but always fair. I don't have a problem with him. He seems like a nice young lad. Not that Mike Bush though. Did you know he's had two nose jobs? And my daughter's friend said that he was at the Galleria, and she said hi, but he ignored her. Who does he think he is? Dick Ford?

HMW: Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Blanche Wigperm - Albert Pullos always wears a black undershirt.

HMW: Who? What?

Blanche: He should wear the same undershirt as the rest of the team. And he never runs to first base.

HMW: You only give your grandkids four bucks for their birthdays, don't you?

Walter Whitehonkey- That Smash Band never made a team song! He could have given the city another fun song to listen to.

HMW: Whoa, I think we may have something here.

Walter: He made that Go To Work song about the Rams. I still have my cassette.

HMW: Yes, the Smash Band should be blamed. And Murphy Lee, he didn't make a song either. What the hell, St. Louis artists? Do the bloggers have to do everything around here?

Ethel Brownnoise- John Mozeliak.

HMW: Also a strong answer, go on.

Ethel: He just has no personality. I guess some of his trades have been good, but he's just boring when I see him talking to Frank Cusumano on the TV.

HMW: Really? And Walt Jocketty was a ball of energy? Do you want Mozeliak to be more personable and witty because you know you could kick over at any minute?

Ethel: ("Falls Asleep")

HMW: (Tiptoes out of Room)

What’s the point of watching this anymore?

When Adam Wainwright goes out and gets battered for 5 runs. Against a horrible Cubs team. At home. In September. It’s time to move on. And I don’t mean emotionally for the ones out there that are still clinging to some mathematical formula that says it’s not impossible this team plays in the postseason.

I mean move on.

Don’t watch. Don’t go. Don’t give this franchise one penny of the money you worked hard to put in your pocket. Because I hate to ruin Christmas and tell you Santa’s not real… but these guys don’t give a single shit about you, the team, the city or the 2010 season.

Randy Wells is the perfect example. 3 starts ago against the Cardinals when they were still ‘battling’ he didn’t record a single out before getting jerked from a game the Birds absolutely dominated. Last night he went 8 strong innings against a feckless offense that can’t wait for these next 3 weeks to end.

Did you know that the Cardinals have to go 6-13 in their next 19 games to finish below .500 for the season? Did you know that the Cardinals record in the past 19 games is 6-13?

Below .500. What were the odds you would have taken on that in April? I mean we were talking about 90 wins as a minimum and some even predicted closer to 100. One of the best Cardinal teams in decades! Pujols and Holliday for a whole year!

Wow.

Have we ever been SOOO wrong about a team?

SPECIAL COMMENT

Last night I heard an extraordinary piece of radio and wanted to share it with you today.

A bit of background, but not much since the piece lays out the whole story. But recently the Village Voice in NYC has been running a series on police corruption and it’s centered around one officer that decided to secretly tape his life on the beat for a year and a half.

What you will hear in this story is immensely disturbing- and not just the pulling back of the curtain on ‘getting you numbers’ but just how widespread this police attitude of do whatever it takes to make money and keep jobs really goes. Then, when the officer starts to unravel from what he sees- the extent to which high ranking officers go to cover this up will almost make you vomit.

If you ever watched The Wire, which I consider to be the best show ever made, you’ll appreciate this piece even more. And it will probably make you ask yourself some very difficult questions about your belief system.

It’s around 40 minutes in length and starts at the 17:43 minute mark below. If you have an hour, the first story is enjoyable… but take a listen if you can.

HT: Deadspin

The Cardinals did exactly what everyone thought they'd do over the weekend: split. Thus allowing the insane that walk among us to continue to say things like 'I can't quit on this team until they're mathematically eliminated'. To each their own, but looking at this team from TLR to that Salas guy, the Cardinals have the look of a team that can't WAIT for the season to be over...

Clifton Ryan, well done sir. The last thing I was expecting to have to talk about on Monday was Leon Lett, but there you are, fumbling away 6 points at the goal line and here I am posting a link to one of the most famous plays in Super Bowl history: LINK HERE

How sad is it that the Cardinals start a series against the Cubs tonight and you couldn't PAY me to go to that game and miss NY/BAL or SD/KC on Monday Night Football. Worse? I don't even care what the outcome of the game is. I was so fired up for October with this team before the season started and they burned me. They burned all of us...

Some pics for you to check out from yesterday at the EJD for the Rams home opener:

1) This lady is great. Not only does she tape over the name, but X's out the 8. LINK HERE (HT: LD)

2) This sign went up before the game, actually. But it gave the wrong impression on the way out. LINK HERE

3) These guys are burning a Larry Fitz tee before the game. I don't know what the one dude is doing with that salute to the burning shirt, but it's creeping us all out. LINK HERE

4) Speaking of creepy- the Mr. Softee man came barreling through the tailgates with ice cream for everyone. LINK HERE

5) This guy is actually from the northeast and travels to St. Louis for every Rams home game with his boys. In short, you are not a big Rams fan. LINK HERE

The VMA's were last night and MTV milked the Kanye West/Taylor Swift incident from 2009 for every ounce of publicity it could. She's not pissed and he feels bad, etc, etc. Cher wore a body suit she probably shouldn't have wore 20 years ago. Gaga won every single award that she could for her video for 'Bad Romance'. And all the stars came out to connect with the 'kids'. You know why that Kanye West crap was so huge last year? Because you can't script that. He's a nutjob, so they put him upfront in a seat where he could be a nut. He did. Everyone won! It's time to get the unstable stars as much leeway as possible to make compelling TV. Get them drunk. Put them down front. And watch the delay button...

More proof? Ok. Albert Pujols hit two home runs last night on national TV to take the Cardinals record for most multi-home run games in a career. Did anyone even mention that to you today? No. They didn't. Because it doesn't matter. The only thing we have left to root for is stats. And quite frankly, who gives a F about doing that? Hope AP finishes strong. But it doesn't matter to me if he does or doesn't...

Sam Bradford tossed the ball 55 times in his debut. I think it's fair to start really watching what Coach Spags is doing here and if he's the guy we want coaching up this talented rookie. I'm not saying we need to can the guy now, but Spags 17 games into his head coaching career seems like a guy that doesn't stick to what he preaches. If you're going to go off script- then you've got to get the W...

Arian Foster. You didn't care about him at 12p yesterday. If you play fantasy football, 92% of you absolutely loath him today. 8% of you just found your winning lottery ticket...

Headed to Wildwood MO, formerly Grover MO, this past weekend for the first time. And I've got a new slogan for the town: 'Most Inconvenient Place on Earth'. I guess it's a suburb of KC? It's just a haul AND you get to be on Manchester Rd for an extended period of time...