St. Louis, MO.  August, 2012.  Grey skies and a thick fog envelope the downtown city blocks outside of Busch Stadium, as garbage skitters across Ballpark Village Parking Lot.  The sour odor of decaying foliage and rust wafts through the air, as a steady breeze whips a tattered and faded 2006 World Series banner that hangs from the boarded up shell of Mike Shannon’s.  The wind puncturing the hot, heavy air is the only sound to break through the suffocating silence.

Cut to the Cardinal’s locker room.

Adam Wainwright: (shoves broom carelessly across the floor, mutters under his breath.)

Kyle Lohse: (looks up from the toilet he’s scrubbing.) What’s that, Waino?  Did you say something?

Wainwright: (continues nonsensical rambling, this time in Mandarin.)

Matt Holliday: (wipes sweat off his brow, wrings out the dirty ShamWow in his hand.) Don’t bother, Kyle.  He’s just not right in the head now that Albert is gone.  Who knew he would take it so hard?

Yadier Molina:  I swear I saw a possum crawl out of his beard the other day.  That guy is a goddamn mess.

Lohse: This  whole place has become horribly depressing.  Is it just me or has this locker room started to smell like a funeral home?

Molina: It’s probably just your arm rotting off.  I mean, what’s your average pitch count up to these days?  18?  19?

Wainwright:  (looks up at Molina, lets loose a loud cackle, pumps pelvis vigorously, runs flailing into the next room.)

Lohse: That’s just great, Yadi.  Now you’ve got Waino all wound up.  (Yells into the gutted remains of the clubhouse,) CAN SOMEONE GRAB HIM BEFORE HE STARTS TRYING TO EAT THE BATTING GLOVES AGAIN?

Holliday: This is awful.  We just got done getting our asses handed to us by the Astros for three straight days and now we’ve got to scrub toilets and launder jock straps?  WHERE IS THE JANITORIAL AND MAINTENANCE STAFF?  Hell, I don’t even know why we bother suiting up.  This club is in complete ruin!

Lohse: Well, we’ve got to burn off these contracts somehow.  I probably wasn’t going to do much pitching anyway, so this seems like a reasonable alternative.

Molina:  I swear to god, I’m going to punch you in the head.

Lohse: (Ignoring Molina,) You know, I actually thought about walking on with the Rams, but it turns out that franchise was entirely reliant on Pujols’, too.  It’s quite strange, honestly.  I think they relocated to somewhere in Oregon?  I don’t know.  It’s somewhere on the East Coast.

Molina:  You’re an idiot.

Holliday:  (Clears throat, shoots a heated look at Molina.)  Say, has anyone heard from LaRussa lately?

Lohse: Not since he went on that cocaine and hooker binge back in February.  Although, I heard from one of the pitching coaches that he was spotted at a steakhouse somewhere in South Dakota about a month ago wearing a fur coat made out of a Labrador.  Guy has REALLY gone off the deep end.

Holliday:  Well, you knew he wasn’t going to take it well.  I’m surprised he didn’t burn this place to the ground when negotiations stalled.  It showed major restraint to just walk off the job and shoot Bill DeWitt in the face with a paintball gun.

Molina:  I agree.  If it were me, I would have raped him in the earhole with a curling iron.  And then lit him on fire.  (Smiles whimsically, slings bag of trash over his shoulder.)  Okay, guys, I’m going to take this outside and then get to work on mowing the outfield.  What time do we leave for Pittsburgh on Sunday?

Holliday:  I think we actually go tonight.  The team is late on payment for the charter planes, so we have to leave early and drive.  They got us a couple of luxury coaches, so it shouldn’t be too bad.

Lohse:  Actually, that’s not true.

Holliday:  Really?  We still get to fly?  (Sighs with relief.)

Lohse:  No, I mean, it’s true we can’t afford to take the planes.  I’m pretty sure the charter company is liquidating DeWitt’s estate to cover the back payments, so there’s no way we’re flying.  Probably ever again.  However, they couldn’t pay the deposit on the luxury coaches either, so they hired back a couple of the equipment guys to drive us over in their mini vans.  ROAD TRIP!

Molina:  (Drops garbage bag, fishes out an empty Gatorade bottle, throws it at Lohse’s head hitting him squarely.) This is just unbelievable!  I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!   If you guys need me, I’m going to be in the training room taking a bath.  Say, Matt? You still have that hair dryer lying around?

Holliday:  Sure thing, buddy.  It’s right over there next to my exfoliating body scrub.

Molina:  (Drops trash, grabs hair dryer and walks purposely out of the room.)

Lohse:  Poor guy!  He really needs to relax.  (Chuckles to himself.)  That bath is probably a good idea.

Molina:  (90 seconds later,) AHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Loud pop, the lights in the clubhouse are extinguished.)

Holliday:  That can’t be good.

Wainwright:  (Stumbles wild eyed back into the locker room.)  ALBERT???  IS THAT YOU????

Holliday: No, Waino, it’s not good news.  In fact, I think Yadi just killed himself.

Wainwright:  (Drops to the ground wailing, begins making snow angels.)

Holliday:  (Looks at Lohse, shakes his head.)  We really should have locked it down with Pujols.

Wainwright:  (Lifts his head from the floor, a temporary flash of clarity in his eyes.)  Agreed.

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Can you believe this? John Mozeliak typed out a letter to us about Albert Week. It looks like all our hard work paid off!

Sure Albert's not signed, but for some reason, I feel really good in my pants about the Theriot and Tallet acquisitions now. I can't quite put my finger on it. Anyway, thanks a lot John, and keep up the good work!

Well why the hell wouldn't we have a post that just has Albert Pujols photoshops in it? It is Albert Week after all.

See...


Looks like Paris Hilton is a big fan of Albert's first album "Mang In The Mirror":


The new currency for the City of St. Louis when it finally goes bankrupt?:


And for the really rich St. Louisans:


The Mona Pujols. He's a work of art:


On that note, I've disturbed myself. Time to stop.

If you like knowing what local assclowns think about during the day, then you probably enjoy Cards Talk over at stltoday.com. Okay, they're not all assclowns - but the assclown population ruins it for those who want to pop in from time to time and see what the common folk are talking about.

And every once in a while, you'll see a thread about trading Albert. It basically goes like this:

Guy with 6000 posts that no one likes - "The CArdinals shold trade Albert! Right noW! GEt what you can for him!! DEwitt is just gonna sell the team in two years anyway. Cant you people see thaT?"

First 10 replies - "What a fucktard." (the moderators are getting a little lazy over there policing the language)

And of course, they are correct. But we actually think it's possible to have a legit discussion about trading Bert. The Mad Librarian is up first, on why the Redbirds should deal Albert this winter:

POINT-- MAD LIBRARIAN SAYS:

I suspect you're going to get out the torches and pitchforks over this, but someone has to say it: Free Albert Pujols.

The best player of our generation is getting the shaft, kids. He headlines a roster of scrubs, and routinely shares the field with the likes of Aaron Miles. His manager rates toughness on the David Eckstein scale. His front office won't spare a penny toward crazy luxuries like protection at the plate or a third baseman who doesn't routinely break down. The way it's all shaking out, his one World Series ring looks like his last.

I want to see Pujols close out his career among talent, not jobbers with creative facial hair. I want to see him on a team that dominates, not a team that's perfected the sacrifice squeeze. I want to watch el Hombre unleash the beast before he starts to break down.

Since Johnny Mo is about as effective as the rhythm method, it's time to set free what we love.

Here's a bonus of dealing Pujols: You can ask for anything in negotiations. And I mean anything. My trade demands:

• Jesus
• Superman
• Some of the more wily G.I. Joes
• HBK Shawn Michaels circa 1997
• Two Alberts (so much better than one!)

COUNTERPOINT -- HMW SAYS:

This is what I'm picturing one minute before you wrote all that:


First, I'll give credit to the ML for actually supplying a list of possibilities in return, even if Superman has a no-trade clause. It bugs me when I hear someone want to trade Albert, then they don't supply any names that they want in return. I had a twitter exchange with someone over the summer, and when I asked what he'd want for Pujols, he replied something to the effect of "I'd target a high-payroll team." And I'm not sure why he was so thoughtful of the other team, but it was very courteous of him.

I think if you want to trade Albert, make out your own list of players of who you'd want, and go from there. Worry about your own needs first, and don't fucking worry about the other team's payroll. No matter who is involved in the deal, you've got the BEST player as your trade chip. You call the shots, not them.

Back to the clip - I'll admit that dealing Albert wouldn't be completely burning the house down, but the Cardinal brass would have a hell of a hard time defending it, even if you get a young franchise player like David Wright or Justin Upton, along with prospects in return. (Or could you imagine getting an Eric Brewer-esque package in return? It would make this site much more entertaining, if nothing else).

I hate to bring public relations into the mix, but even if the Cardinals were to rape the Giants for Lincecum, Cain, Posey, Sandoval and Brian Wilson for Pujols, the headlines here would still read, "Pujols TRADED!!" And although this is a front office that can tolerate looking bad, they're not going to risk being deemed "losers" of the trade, or worse - Albert hitting a couple bombs off Kyle Lohse and beating the Cardinals on the field.

We all know that fantasy baseball and GM'ing a professional team is basically the same thing...so my rule of thumb is to always listen to any offer. You don't have to accept it, but at least listen. It at least gives you the right to be a smartass if the trade is insulting. John Mozeliak has the obligation to his boss to actually listen if/when another GM calls, but the odds are slim that he's going to be blown away by an offer. And if he's actually contemplating it, I hope he posts it on Cards Talk, so we can tell him how big of an ediot he iz.

If they're going to let him walk next winter, then that's the business decision made by the Cardinals. But they still have a great shot at extending Albert right now. Trading him would be throwing in the towel ten seconds into the fight.

Dear Albert Pujols.

Wow, I can’t believe that there is even a slight chance the Cardinals could manage to screw up your contract.  I wanted to take a minute to let you know how I feel about you.  I don’t think I’m alone in this...

Albert, We were born the same year but I feel like you're a decade older than me.  
This feeling is based roughly 20% on fear and 80% on respect.  You're a 9 time All-Star, 3 Time NL MVP. 
You’re the best in baseball; no one else is even close.  Has there ever been a better 13th round draft pick?  No, Albert, there hasn’t. 
The day you donned Cardinal red, my whole world and St. Louis history changed.   

Any time there is in argument about greatness, I immediately invoke your name.
I've been watching you break records since 2001.   You’re my silver slugger every year. 
You're the only man I want to hug.  

I'd like to share a dream I had with you, AP, because that's what people who care about each other do: they share.  I was floating through the ocean on an inflatable raft when I came across an island. At the center of the island was SI Swimsuit Model Brooklyn Decker lying a bed of shredded iceberg lettuce and surrounded by the chicks from the "Addicted to Love" video.  As she beckoned me to join her, I noticed a crude batting cage in the distance with tiny angels floating around singing "We Are The Champions." Inside that cage was you, AP, hitting dingers into the lagoon approximately 600 feet away.  Swing after perfect swing, you were bashing it off that island and into the ocean where dolphins had gathered to celebrate your greatness. Long story short: I told Brooklyn I'd be over watching you, and if she could see about getting me a cold Budweiser it would be terrific.  I also mentioned that Roddick looks like a real D-bag, which I'm sure we can both agree on. Anyway, best dream ever.

Please don't leave.  I don't think my heart can take it.
If man-crushing you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

No Homo,

Fresh (WC)

After lighting the internet on fire with our "Albert Week" kickoff and man-love letter yesterday, surely there had to be some reports of John Mozeliak putting the finishing touches on his PowerPoint presentation, or maybe even a small protest outside of Busch Stadium.

Let's see how we did:


WHAT?! Who's in charge over there at Google?? I think that means we just got served.

Actually, we knew our little campaign wouldn't be talked about much right away. It is, after all Albert Week, not Albert Day, so let's see how it looks come Friday afternoon (if you're wondering, I've yet to come up with an excuse for next Monday, when we're still at zero Google results.)

But there were a couple interesting articles about Albert posted within the last couple days:

-This one from the Wall St Journal is written by former Baseball Commish Fay Vincent, about the possibility of Pujols (or any other marquee free agent in sports) asking for a piece of team ownership as part of their contract. [This looks like a subscriber piece. Go through Google News, I was able to read the whole thing.]

-And here's an article in the USA Today, penned by someone also named Albert Pujols. Wait, he's writing for the USA Today? Not only is he slightly better than me in baseball, but he's taking our blogging jobs now? Bastard! (I don't mean that, he's welcome to write for the CD any time he wants, preferably about Sofia Vergara)

Welcome to Albert Week!

Now that Thanksgiving is over and done with, it's time for the Cardinals to get going on this Pujols contract. We all think that Albert wants to play here. And we all think that DeWitt and Co want to field a winning ballclub for another five to ten years.

So what's holding up the negotiations? We know the scrap-yard "Duncan special" signing won't come until February. Same goes for the light-hitting infielder who can play 2B/SS/3B (and OF on Sundays, and pitch). Do you really expect much to happen over the next two months? (Say it with me: please no Rasmus trade, please no Rasmus trade...)

As one of the most honest and upfront Cardinal blogs, we feel it's necessary to harp on the Cardinals about this, because we all know that if Albert isn't signed, not much else is going to happen. I don't think anyone is expecting Cliff Lee, but upgrades can easily be made on the 2011 Cardinals right now.

We're not looking to get you worried, but if no one else is going to call out the Cardinals for hurrying the hell up, we feel that "Albert Week" is necessary to let our voices be heard.

Oh, and you might have read that we're the second most funniest Cardinal blog throughout ALLLL the internet. So we'll try to make our two voters happy and take a humorous approach. To kick off our week-long parade of Albert, here is an exclusive bar graph of how awesome Albert's been over the past ten seasons. We stole this from Dan Lozano's negotiating binder (care to offer us a job, Wikileaks?). I think this is the kind of stuff they have on fangraphs.com, but I'm not sure.



We've got more coming all week. Stay tuned!

Did you have a big Thanksgiving? Somebody's cousin brought their buddy from school to our little turkey day celebration. He was from China and had only lived in America for a couple of months (1st semester of college). I couldn't tell if he was more amused or appalled at what was going on.

If you think that stopped me from shoveling my facehole with as much food as possible, you’d be wrong. However judged I was. Hell, my mug is probably getting laughed at by his buddies at home right now.

“Look at the stupid gluttonous American. Stuffing his face like a crazed dog. These people will be easier to overthrow than we imagined!”

READ my profile of Mardy Gilyard for SB Nation LINK HERE (With video!)

Oh well.

I also played poker and got a full house beat by a straight flush to lose a nice little payday. Looks like the Mad Librarian isn’t getting paid this month. Sorry kid, those are the breaks when you work with people that have crippling gambling additcions.

What else?

Lot of fantasy football talk. I’m not sure how your guys’ things went yesterday, but even people that aren’t playing fantasy football now understand what’s going on and how it effects how we’re watching these otherwise under-interesting football games.

READ thoughts on Jeter / Pujols contract negotiations for ISTL LINK HERE

I can’t imagine that when the dorks who invented FF were sitting around, they ever envisioned a day where a 70-year old uncle could know that Chris Ivory scoring multiple times against the Cowboys meant profound failure for his nephew.

And just for the hell of it- because I love looking back at crap and laughing about it later -- Alabama over Auburn 31-24.

Now, the Friday Links...

Do you know what's up with your Captains? LINK HERE (HT: JRH)
Have you seen this guy? LINK HERE
EPIC crow and cat fight. You have to see this. LINK HERE
Transform your iPhone into a stun gun. LINK HERE (HT: JRH)
The MOST awesome toliet ever? LINK HERE

Have a great weekend people. Hopefully you're not trampled by shopping manaics today and will be able to overcome this long weekend by Monday.

Thanksgiving.

Happy to everyone.

It's a holiday tradition to mail it in around the holidays and Cards Diaspora is not above boosting hack ideas that have been around forever in a cheap grab at page views. Therefore, here we have a look back the worst of the 2010 Cardinals and aim to determine who exactly was the biggest turkey for the franchise.

Your nominees...

1) Bradly Penny


Hit a grand slam, then shut 'er down for the season.

Took 8+ million dollars he got for sitting on a wood plank and bought a 95K engagement ring.

Took the picture above.

2) Kyle Lohse


Somehow got a medical condition that is only known to happen to dirt bike riders.

Had an ERA after the 5th inning that was (probably) incalculable by anyone not working at NASA.

Prompted Brian Feldman of ESPN 101 to video blog the heat. Sort of.

3) David Freese


Almost breaking his ankle rounding third base and getting DL'd.

Almost coming back off the DL, but dropped a weight on his foot instead.

Posing for this cover and making your woman love him.

4) Brendan Ryan


Finally securing the starting SS role and then promptly hitting .223.

Adding more stress to Johnny Mo's job.

Putting on video a terrible Robert DeNiro impression.

5) Flip Lopez


Flip came to the Cards cheap beacuse everyone else was sick of his attitude.

He was repeatedly late and generally canercous to the clubhouse.

He was cut.

That's it.

That's the list.

Who'd we miss? Some have suggested that Aaron Miles should be added. Or that Nick Stavinoah looks like a turkey. But I'm not ready to elevate them to vaunted 'Turkey Of The Year' status quite yet.

For more turkey related reading, check out this column from InsideSTL from WAY back in the day. And a special thanks to @jadotson for reminding us of Flip's absense.

As some of you may find out tonight - good stuff happens when you get drunk.

The other night, a group of friends got hammered and did what any group of dudes would do on the weekend - went to sporcle.com. It's pretty much a porn site for trivia nerds.

Seriously go on there, especially today since you're just sitting there at work with nothing to do, and I'll see you in 83 hours.

So deep into the night, Lube Rock was born. What is Lube Rock, you ask? I'd like to explain, but I'm not sure what to say, other than I'll let these pics speak for themselves:




Click "Read More" for the rest of this award-winning post!