Because you can't get enough of the nasal stylings of one athooks, you should tune in tonight to the I-70 Baseball roundtable.

We're going to be talking about all sorts of crap that you love, but hopefully we'll also be able to squeeze in some discussion about how awesome I am as well.

Truly a win/win for everybody.

LINK TO AUDIO HERE

And if you can't be there live (10p CST Tonight 12/6/10), then you should be able to reach the audio at the above link for a finite period of time. Feel free to join in on the online chat that happens with the show as well.

Thank you kindly.

Many props to HMW for "Albert Week". He took an idea we had about a month ago to fill some time in these pretty boring winter months and slayed it. Hopefully you enjoyed most, if not all of it, but in case you missed something...

Highlights of "Albert Week"

+ Hooks sings.
+ Writers including Tim McKernan and Will Leitch predict Albert's future.
+ Trumbsy imagines the Cardinals future clubhouse.
+ FWC writes a love letter to AP.
+ The Mad Librarian makes a point, while HMW makes a counter.

Plus there was tons of other stuff. Feel free to troll around the site and see what you missed.

One thing we did miss was this petition over at MVPujols where people are encouraged to sign and let the Cardinals know why they need to make Bert a Cardinal for life. And even if you don't feel that way, the outpouring of lunacy is pretty staggering, so check it out and sign it, if you're so inclined.

SEE PETITIION HERE

Perhaps we'll have a theme week again, sometime soon. Perhaps not. But at the end of the day, we've at least ruined The Hangover for you forever. So we'll hang our hats on that.

The Cardinals and free agent Lance Berkman have agreed to terms on a 1 year deal reportedly worth 8 million dollars. There are no options and the contract will be fully guaranteed.

Derrick Goold of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch has Tweeted that the Cardinals are now set with their lineup for the 2011 season and will not make any further moves, barring an injury.

In other words... MERRY CHRISTMAS Cards fans!


The 'Big Puma' is coming off the worst year of his career. A year that also saw him get moved to the NY Yankees and promptly get marginalized during their ALCS run. On the other hand, Berkman is a borderline Hall of Fame candidate that has historically had a high .OBP and is only 34, 35 when the season starts.

The Cardinals aren't locked in on Berkman past 2011, so at the end of the day both the Cards and Berkman are hoping this move is the one that will spark a nice season a 2-3 year extension and/or contract from another team. He also ads a LH bat to a line-up that was often trotting out 8 RH's and Colby Rasmus.

So, here's the projected line-up as of 12/04/10

1. Shumaker (2B)
2. Berkman (LF)
3. Pujols (1B)
4. Holliday (RF)
5. Freese (3B)
6. Rasmus (CF)
7. Molina (C)
8. Pitcher
9. Theriot (SS)

We're still looking for the .OBP that plagued the Cardinals in 2010 with Shumaker and Theriot bookending the 1 & 9 spots, but we assume the best.

Berkman should theoretically do well before Pujols and Holliday. And if he's serious about his diet and workout as he's claimed, then this could be pretty awesome.

Only thing left to do is get the situation done...

Like all good things, Albert Week had to come to an end eventually. Yeah, I'm shedding a tear too. 

Since you've heard plenty from us this week, we decided to ask some of the heavy-hitters for opinions of what they think Albert Pujols will do by the 2012 season. Will he stay? Will he go? Will he be traded? Or will he quit baseball, move to Hollywood, and make PG-rated buddy comedies with The Rock? All are legit possibilities.

So thank you to everyone below for contributing. And those who didn't reply back to us will not be receiving a complimentary copy of ATHooks' Christmas CD. So there.

Tim McKernan: 590 KFNS 'The ITD Morning After' Host/ Founder InsideSTL.com

It's my opinion that the Cardinals will sign Albert Pujols at damn near any cost...and therefore I think a) he'll be signed to an extension this offseason, and b) it will be a move that they'll regret five years from now...because I'd be absolutely shocked if they got a deal done that was less than seven years guaranteed. And, in my opinion, that's way too much.

Is he the greatest player in the game? Most likely.

Is he the second-greatest...or even greatest...Cardinal of all-time? Most likely.

But, businesses aren't run on emotion. They're run on doing what you think you will get a good return on investment. So, if anyone honestly believes Albert Pujols will be doing what he's done the last 10 years in 2017...or even 2015...I would suggest they have their heads up the best assholes in baseball.

You're more than welcome to use the "but how bad would it look to see him wearing a Yankees' uniform" argument, and yeah...that tugs at my heartstrings. But, I worry about my pursestrings more. And, if some inbreed isn't going to show up at Busch Stadium because the team didn't give Pujols 10 years and 300 million dollars, then I'll say, "Sorry to disappoint you, and good luck with the Palin campaign in 2012."

If they can get him for five years and $150 million...or even $160 million...I'm all for it.

Anything longer and it's a major mistake that could hamstring the organization throughout the decade.

Mike Flynn: Founder of PunchingKitty.com

I could really see Albert leaving or staying, but gut feeling: Albert "Don't Call Me the Mang" Pujols will be resigned for a huge contract, pretty much making him a Cardinal for life.

Pujols probably doesn't want to look like Derek Jeter right now or LeBron James, all of a sudden becoming the prima donna squeezing his long-time home team, while the Cardinals have to get this done pretty much solely for the PR despite the possible issues of filling out the rest of the roster.

Everyone likes to say how baseball smart the fans in St. Louis are, but no matter how many times you want to explain how a single hombre eating 40% of your team's payroll isn't a good idea, they will just get in your face with "Uh buddy. Albert Pu-jools is the best player in the game. Take your economics back to your private school and your fancy non-truck car without any yellow ribbon magnets on it."

Get ready for the Cardinals to be "Pujols and Holliday starring the all bench player lineup"! If you think I'm cynical, I have four words for you: Starting shortstop Ryan Theriot.

Bill Ivie: Baseball Digest and Founder of I-70 Baseball

Will Albert return to the Cardinals?  That's a great question.  As far as the front office (read: Johnny Mo) is concerned, they better hope so.  It would not matter who replaced him or if Jesus himself played first and hit 95 home runs, the fans would turn on ownership and general manager so quickly that they may be the Las Vegas Cardinals before all was said and done.

That being said, Albert will remain a Cardinal for life, but not before becoming a free agent.  The new collective bargaining agreement will be discussed after the end of 2011 and the player's union will be pushing for some radical compensation changes.  The opportunity to use a player like Pujols to ensure that those changes happen immediately is just to good to be true.  Look for the big guy to get a boatload of money and a stake in the ownership of the team as well as be paid well into his retirement.  I don't think either side of this has a desire for Albert to wear a different jersey, but there are some bigger underlying things developing.

Of course, he will probably sign tomorrow and send me a big shit-burger to chew on just to keep the proper pecking order in the baseball universe.

Will Leitch: Founder of Deadspin.com and editor at New York Magazine

I think Pujols is going to sign with the resurgent and suddenly sane New York Mets around Christmas 2011, and not only is it going to ruin my life, it's going to ruin my work: Writing for New York magazine, about Pujols leading the Mets to the World Series, will become a daily torture that won't end until one of us ends up under Dr. James Andrews' knife. I bet it'll be me. Writing this paragraph just required me taking two showers.

Aaron Hooks: CardsDiaspora.com, SB Nation STL, and InsideSTL.com

What an awful situation.

The Cardinals are literally making a push right now to sell Pujols Packs to fans for the Holidays. We kind of take it for granted, but his name is LITERALLY the thing you order to get tickets for the Cardinals. That kind of crap has a value to an organization that is hard to pin down and Albert's agents know this. They're going to say that's worth 100 million. Bill DeWitt will most likely not agree.

So what happens?

I think that this one ends up with Albert reaching free agency. The Cardinals know there is no way to trade a guy like Pujols. They won't get value for him back AND the guys that come in will NEVER get a fair chance. EVER. So they're going to let him be free. They're going to make a reasonable offer, say 6 years, 150-175 million dollars and tell him that's the best he can do. And that if he wants to take 300 million to go to the Mets or Angels or (f me) the Cubs, then it's his choice and the Cardinals did what they could.

He'll probably take the money.

And we'll probably never be the same.

Jacqueline Conrad: Contributor to CardinalDiamondDiaries.com

Albert Pujols will sign a new contract with the St. Louis Cardinals. This contract will be a 6 to 8 year deal worth $24M a year. Also...he will become a Cardinal for life in some unknown but highly visible advisory role. Ballpark Village will be renamed Albertville, like the village in France where the Olympics were held, except it's not in France and without the Olympics thing. Albert will get all profits from two businesses located in Albertville. One will be a cigar manufacturer, using lovely Dominican ladies to hand roll cigars on their thighs. The other will be a manufacturer of Kevlar Cardinal, Rams and Blues jerseys. I anticipate these to be hot sellers and something no other team could offer.

We've had a fun week here at the CD, talking all things Albert.  It basically stemmed off the idea of photoshopping his head onto a shark, and we decided to actually work hard for once, giving you ten posts this week (one more coming later). Hopefully we entertained you a little already, and I think you'll be pleased with our effort today.

When it's all said and done, I think Albert re-signs with the Cardinals. Late January/early February, right before spring training, sounds about right.  In the meantime, we'll reflect on all the memories, love letters and photoshops, and hope 2011 isn't the final season that Albert is a Cardinal. As fans, we can only play the waiting game.

That includes our own athooks. He sat down the other night, tickled the ivories and recorded this masterpiece for us all (I'm sure his neighbors were intrigued by what the hell was going on).

Ladies and Gents, we give you "Albert's Song":


Since we blatantly ganked material from The Hangover, we'd like to thank them in advance for not suing us. Can't wait for the sequel!

We had a request the other day for the article about Hooks and Pujols hanging out at a fancy get-together a couple years ago. There were multiple comments from the ladies saying how nice Hooks looks, so please be sure to boost his ego once again. Come on girls, don't be shy...


Yes. That's athooks with the NL MVP last week, Albert Pujols. He happened to be at an event I was at (or vice versa) and the lady on my left [HMW note: we had to use a different pic this time] had no idea who he was until I told her it was Albert Pujols. She's about 8 glasses of wine in and I'm right behind her with the Maker's and water. I plead with her not to go over and interrupt AP paying for some auction item he'd won, but to no avail. She shoved Pujols' wife right out of the way and handed her camera to some unsuspecting chick with a huge purse. If he's already going to be annoyed- I might as well hop in, right?

Long story short, the chick who was taking our picture almost fell down stepping backwards to get us framed up. And what did she trip on? That's right, a tampon applicator. Hanging out on the floor in all its used glory. Luckily El Hombre found the whole scene amusing- as did we and he happily snapped a couple more pics after this one.

I gripped his hand as hard as I could and am pleased to report his nerve surgery went well. Also, I look fucking good in a suit. You have to admit that.

Special BONUS!

Here's an 'artist's rendering' of what this pic would look like in 2010:

St. Louis, MO.  August, 2012.  Grey skies and a thick fog envelope the downtown city blocks outside of Busch Stadium, as garbage skitters across Ballpark Village Parking Lot.  The sour odor of decaying foliage and rust wafts through the air, as a steady breeze whips a tattered and faded 2006 World Series banner that hangs from the boarded up shell of Mike Shannon’s.  The wind puncturing the hot, heavy air is the only sound to break through the suffocating silence.

Cut to the Cardinal’s locker room.

Adam Wainwright: (shoves broom carelessly across the floor, mutters under his breath.)

Kyle Lohse: (looks up from the toilet he’s scrubbing.) What’s that, Waino?  Did you say something?

Wainwright: (continues nonsensical rambling, this time in Mandarin.)

Matt Holliday: (wipes sweat off his brow, wrings out the dirty ShamWow in his hand.) Don’t bother, Kyle.  He’s just not right in the head now that Albert is gone.  Who knew he would take it so hard?

Yadier Molina:  I swear I saw a possum crawl out of his beard the other day.  That guy is a goddamn mess.

Lohse: This  whole place has become horribly depressing.  Is it just me or has this locker room started to smell like a funeral home?

Molina: It’s probably just your arm rotting off.  I mean, what’s your average pitch count up to these days?  18?  19?

Wainwright:  (looks up at Molina, lets loose a loud cackle, pumps pelvis vigorously, runs flailing into the next room.)

Lohse: That’s just great, Yadi.  Now you’ve got Waino all wound up.  (Yells into the gutted remains of the clubhouse,) CAN SOMEONE GRAB HIM BEFORE HE STARTS TRYING TO EAT THE BATTING GLOVES AGAIN?

Holliday: This is awful.  We just got done getting our asses handed to us by the Astros for three straight days and now we’ve got to scrub toilets and launder jock straps?  WHERE IS THE JANITORIAL AND MAINTENANCE STAFF?  Hell, I don’t even know why we bother suiting up.  This club is in complete ruin!

Lohse: Well, we’ve got to burn off these contracts somehow.  I probably wasn’t going to do much pitching anyway, so this seems like a reasonable alternative.

Molina:  I swear to god, I’m going to punch you in the head.

Lohse: (Ignoring Molina,) You know, I actually thought about walking on with the Rams, but it turns out that franchise was entirely reliant on Pujols’, too.  It’s quite strange, honestly.  I think they relocated to somewhere in Oregon?  I don’t know.  It’s somewhere on the East Coast.

Molina:  You’re an idiot.

Holliday:  (Clears throat, shoots a heated look at Molina.)  Say, has anyone heard from LaRussa lately?

Lohse: Not since he went on that cocaine and hooker binge back in February.  Although, I heard from one of the pitching coaches that he was spotted at a steakhouse somewhere in South Dakota about a month ago wearing a fur coat made out of a Labrador.  Guy has REALLY gone off the deep end.

Holliday:  Well, you knew he wasn’t going to take it well.  I’m surprised he didn’t burn this place to the ground when negotiations stalled.  It showed major restraint to just walk off the job and shoot Bill DeWitt in the face with a paintball gun.

Molina:  I agree.  If it were me, I would have raped him in the earhole with a curling iron.  And then lit him on fire.  (Smiles whimsically, slings bag of trash over his shoulder.)  Okay, guys, I’m going to take this outside and then get to work on mowing the outfield.  What time do we leave for Pittsburgh on Sunday?

Holliday:  I think we actually go tonight.  The team is late on payment for the charter planes, so we have to leave early and drive.  They got us a couple of luxury coaches, so it shouldn’t be too bad.

Lohse:  Actually, that’s not true.

Holliday:  Really?  We still get to fly?  (Sighs with relief.)

Lohse:  No, I mean, it’s true we can’t afford to take the planes.  I’m pretty sure the charter company is liquidating DeWitt’s estate to cover the back payments, so there’s no way we’re flying.  Probably ever again.  However, they couldn’t pay the deposit on the luxury coaches either, so they hired back a couple of the equipment guys to drive us over in their mini vans.  ROAD TRIP!

Molina:  (Drops garbage bag, fishes out an empty Gatorade bottle, throws it at Lohse’s head hitting him squarely.) This is just unbelievable!  I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!   If you guys need me, I’m going to be in the training room taking a bath.  Say, Matt? You still have that hair dryer lying around?

Holliday:  Sure thing, buddy.  It’s right over there next to my exfoliating body scrub.

Molina:  (Drops trash, grabs hair dryer and walks purposely out of the room.)

Lohse:  Poor guy!  He really needs to relax.  (Chuckles to himself.)  That bath is probably a good idea.

Molina:  (90 seconds later,) AHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Loud pop, the lights in the clubhouse are extinguished.)

Holliday:  That can’t be good.

Wainwright:  (Stumbles wild eyed back into the locker room.)  ALBERT???  IS THAT YOU????

Holliday: No, Waino, it’s not good news.  In fact, I think Yadi just killed himself.

Wainwright:  (Drops to the ground wailing, begins making snow angels.)

Holliday:  (Looks at Lohse, shakes his head.)  We really should have locked it down with Pujols.

Wainwright:  (Lifts his head from the floor, a temporary flash of clarity in his eyes.)  Agreed.

no comments

Can you believe this? John Mozeliak typed out a letter to us about Albert Week. It looks like all our hard work paid off!

Sure Albert's not signed, but for some reason, I feel really good in my pants about the Theriot and Tallet acquisitions now. I can't quite put my finger on it. Anyway, thanks a lot John, and keep up the good work!

Well why the hell wouldn't we have a post that just has Albert Pujols photoshops in it? It is Albert Week after all.

See...


Looks like Paris Hilton is a big fan of Albert's first album "Mang In The Mirror":


The new currency for the City of St. Louis when it finally goes bankrupt?:


And for the really rich St. Louisans:


The Mona Pujols. He's a work of art:


On that note, I've disturbed myself. Time to stop.

If you like knowing what local assclowns think about during the day, then you probably enjoy Cards Talk over at stltoday.com. Okay, they're not all assclowns - but the assclown population ruins it for those who want to pop in from time to time and see what the common folk are talking about.

And every once in a while, you'll see a thread about trading Albert. It basically goes like this:

Guy with 6000 posts that no one likes - "The CArdinals shold trade Albert! Right noW! GEt what you can for him!! DEwitt is just gonna sell the team in two years anyway. Cant you people see thaT?"

First 10 replies - "What a fucktard." (the moderators are getting a little lazy over there policing the language)

And of course, they are correct. But we actually think it's possible to have a legit discussion about trading Bert. The Mad Librarian is up first, on why the Redbirds should deal Albert this winter:

POINT-- MAD LIBRARIAN SAYS:

I suspect you're going to get out the torches and pitchforks over this, but someone has to say it: Free Albert Pujols.

The best player of our generation is getting the shaft, kids. He headlines a roster of scrubs, and routinely shares the field with the likes of Aaron Miles. His manager rates toughness on the David Eckstein scale. His front office won't spare a penny toward crazy luxuries like protection at the plate or a third baseman who doesn't routinely break down. The way it's all shaking out, his one World Series ring looks like his last.

I want to see Pujols close out his career among talent, not jobbers with creative facial hair. I want to see him on a team that dominates, not a team that's perfected the sacrifice squeeze. I want to watch el Hombre unleash the beast before he starts to break down.

Since Johnny Mo is about as effective as the rhythm method, it's time to set free what we love.

Here's a bonus of dealing Pujols: You can ask for anything in negotiations. And I mean anything. My trade demands:

• Jesus
• Superman
• Some of the more wily G.I. Joes
• HBK Shawn Michaels circa 1997
• Two Alberts (so much better than one!)

COUNTERPOINT -- HMW SAYS:

This is what I'm picturing one minute before you wrote all that:


First, I'll give credit to the ML for actually supplying a list of possibilities in return, even if Superman has a no-trade clause. It bugs me when I hear someone want to trade Albert, then they don't supply any names that they want in return. I had a twitter exchange with someone over the summer, and when I asked what he'd want for Pujols, he replied something to the effect of "I'd target a high-payroll team." And I'm not sure why he was so thoughtful of the other team, but it was very courteous of him.

I think if you want to trade Albert, make out your own list of players of who you'd want, and go from there. Worry about your own needs first, and don't fucking worry about the other team's payroll. No matter who is involved in the deal, you've got the BEST player as your trade chip. You call the shots, not them.

Back to the clip - I'll admit that dealing Albert wouldn't be completely burning the house down, but the Cardinal brass would have a hell of a hard time defending it, even if you get a young franchise player like David Wright or Justin Upton, along with prospects in return. (Or could you imagine getting an Eric Brewer-esque package in return? It would make this site much more entertaining, if nothing else).

I hate to bring public relations into the mix, but even if the Cardinals were to rape the Giants for Lincecum, Cain, Posey, Sandoval and Brian Wilson for Pujols, the headlines here would still read, "Pujols TRADED!!" And although this is a front office that can tolerate looking bad, they're not going to risk being deemed "losers" of the trade, or worse - Albert hitting a couple bombs off Kyle Lohse and beating the Cardinals on the field.

We all know that fantasy baseball and GM'ing a professional team is basically the same thing...so my rule of thumb is to always listen to any offer. You don't have to accept it, but at least listen. It at least gives you the right to be a smartass if the trade is insulting. John Mozeliak has the obligation to his boss to actually listen if/when another GM calls, but the odds are slim that he's going to be blown away by an offer. And if he's actually contemplating it, I hope he posts it on Cards Talk, so we can tell him how big of an ediot he iz.

If they're going to let him walk next winter, then that's the business decision made by the Cardinals. But they still have a great shot at extending Albert right now. Trading him would be throwing in the towel ten seconds into the fight.