Poor wibble babies.
Those precious angles from Los Angeles are all hottsee wottsee in St. Louis and the LA Times says that they can’t play outside for too long or they’ll get too gosh darn hot.
Juice boxes and orange slices for everyone in the clubhouse @ 5. Be there!
Oh, and the Cardinals have lost 8 straight to these guys.
(Yes, it’s a very slow news day. Yes, it’s probably actually smart to not be outside today. But that’s not going to stop 40K+ for sitting in this heat for 4 hours tonight. Not much you can say about this team anymore besides 5 games over .500 seems to be the cap on 2012.)
Poor wibble babies.
The Cubs are an albatross.
Hilarious in their eternal quest for greatness, committed to less than excellence. The Cubs, after 2012, will now have gone 104 seasons without hoisting a championship trophy above their collective heads. A staggering run of futility continually perpetuated to be something that actually will be overcome. Exhibit A.
Trouble is, they can’t win. They won’t win, because they can’t win.
Not in the sense that they are hindered from signing players that are better at their position than any other player. No, they can certainly do that if they want. But they can’t win in the same way that TV cannot have commercials or beer cannot have alcohol. Possibilities, both. But crippling to the economy of their product.
Since early 1990s when baseball had to do more than exist to make maximum profit, teams have had to devise a way to market themselves to attract attention. The Yankees were the evil empire. The Cardinals were the NLs most storied franchise with the best fans in baseball, etc al. Many teams have failed to brand themselves as much of anything. Miami is what? Loud? But the Cubs have won on this front. They’re the lovable losers. The teams that’s been around FOREVER, but hasn’t tasted success since your grandmother’s grandma was a baby.
The Cubs are built to lose. They make money losing. Winning ruins that.
Think about what happens if the Cubs did win the World Series. Several weeks of media coverage. Maybe the hugest victory parade ever. An off-season of Cub pumping. Then what?
The martyrdom that every Cub fan bases their cheering on ceases to exist. Boston, who also had a generational drought, had been close before. They were a good team that just didn’t happen to be better than the Yankees on several occasions. Once they got over the hump of winning a ring, their focus shifted from being cursed to trying to re-identify themselves as winners. Most seasons the Red Sox are good and competitive, though. The Cubs? The Cubs are bad most seasons.
Sans the ability to have a common bond of suffering, what do the Cubs become? A team, like any other, trying to find an identity.
They continue to lose, albeit by acting like they’re trying, and they keep making gobs of money of the suckers that root for them and believe that everyone is working towards a goal of winning the World Series.
Cubs fans, what are you doing? Just because you’ve been doing something a certain way your whole life, doesn’t mean it’s right. Or that you should keep doing it. Take your things and find a new team to root for. Or keep enjoying your weekends like the one you just had.
The time has come to pick a husband, Maynard. So who's it going to be?
Starting tonight @ 7p CDT we're going to LIVE live blog the show in real time. If you want to participate in the reindeer games, then join the room we've got set up below. (Note, since CoverItLive went to a paid subscription model, we're trying out this new Blyve. It's still in beta, but we'll see how this goes...)
Some quick hits for your Friday...
1) Man, the Cubs suck.
Why people root for this team is beyond me. 38 and 53. And their best prospect Starlin Castro doesn't even seem to enjoy baseball all that much. I get going to the games, like Trumbsy did earlier this week - they're a damn good time - but beyond that, why would you watch this garbage on TV or buy a jersey or otherwise emotionally or financially invest in these losers?
2) Lance Berkman, uh oh.
0-9 since his comeback from knee surgery. 9-9 in ABs that looked like we threw out the best beer league softball player in your town and let him try to hit MLB pitching.
I get not wanting to go to the minors for rehab, but at this point, it's looking like the Cardinals botched by not trying to force his hand more.
3) Got to win.
The sCrUBS have nothing to lose this weekend. The Cardinals have everything to lose.
Anything less than 2-1 against the Cubs at home is going to be the first toll on the death knell if you can't extinguish a rival at home when you NEED wins. We're headed to August people. At a certain point good teams have to, you know, be good teams.
Now, The Friday Links...
- Huge Batman spoiler. LINK HERE
- John is worried. Very worried. LINK HERE
- The 20 best Saved By The Bell athletic moments. LINK HERE
- Valid question, though. LINK HERE
- Unzipping world record. LINK HERE
- Serioulsy? This really happened? LINK HERE
Yes, Lobsters probably talk like that. Probably.
Chances are you were at work yesterday when the Cardinals played. But if I asked you to guess what happened to them in their series finale with the Brewers, I bet you could guess.
Check these guys batting gloves, are we SURE that they’re aren’t claws in there?
The St. Louis LOBsters (Left On Basers) struck again. Leaving the bases loaded in the top of the ninth inning and squandering multiple scoring opportunities throughout the game. Some truly staggering stats are emerging post All-Star Game. Like having base runners in 42 of 55 innings played, but batting .157 when runners are in scoring position.
42 of 55!
Yet they’re averaging just above 2.0 runs per game. That’s almost impossible in the Major Leagues, people. This is a truly staggering display of offensive inefficacy. We’re not just witnessing LOBsters. No sir, we’re witnessing THESE LOBsters.
The magnetic pull of .500 is reeling back in the Cardinals once again. They surged to 6 games over before the break and now find themselves a mere 2 above sea level. Worse, the Cardinals are closer to fourth place in the NL Central than they are to first. And the trade deadline is looming on the horizon.
Maybe it’s a bit melodramatic, but lose this series to the Cubs at home this weekend, and it’s time to start thinking about the players the Cardinals can unload to prepare for 2013.
2102 is rotting away.
It’s the return of the #LOLCards! Where getting a guy home from third with no outs turns out to be a FAIL.
Let’s go through the Top 5 LOL Moments from last night’s game…
1) David Freese getting held at third, leaving first and third with no outs. Jose Oquendo must have forgot the #LOLCards can’t do things like “score runs” or “hit a sacrafice fly”. Or maybe he had a nice sausage dinner lined up at Karl Ratzsch’s and knew a tie game was going screw his reservations. Either way, MISSION SUCCESS. The Cardinals limped off the field as losers again.
2) Lance Berkman, again, needing only a sacrafice to get the job done. Strikes out on a check swing, blows his lid, gets ejected and kills another rally. As a special bonus, after the replay was shown from 8 angles, turns out he went. Now dropping his average to below .080 against the dominant Randy Wolf.
3) Tyler Green. If this guy goes on Survivor, I’m betting him as the heavy favorite. Most guys don’t last through one of his months in the Bigs, but Tyler is working on getting to his fifth month of this season. At least he’s one of the very few Cardinals that can bunt.
4) Mike Matheny is like Santa… but with outs. My personal favorite was having Yadier Molina (the Cardinals most sure contact hitter) try to lay down a bunt in the top of the ninth. Somebody got in his ear and he pulled it off in time for Yadi to single to center field, but WOW… Mike LOVES giving up outs. It’s OK to let hitters hit my man.
5) Dan and Al realizing that the narrative about Monday’s game being the one that turned the season around is being usurped by the reality that this is a .500 team as it currently stands. Albert Pujols isn’t walking through those doors to carry this team through a rough patch. And, so far, we don’t have any volunteers to pick up the slack.
Oh, the #LOLCards are back, baby. Feckless. Futile. Full of loss.
You guys, I have something to confess.
And with the Cardinals being ZERO fun to talk about and this site basically being a Bachelorette clearing house anyway, this seems like the appropriate time to bring it up. (I can only offer my sincere apologies to the people who come here for baseball insight. However, the two of you should really know better.)
In any event, I’ve been going through a bit of a dating dry spell.
I mean, of the last two guys to hit on me, one was married and the other was Ronnie Woo Woo. And nothing makes a girl think more critically of herself than the thought of dying alone under an afghan she made for herself.
So, I started looking inward to dissect all of those qualities that might deter Mr. Right and generated a HORRIFYINGLY long list. (Some examples: I’m impatient, I do not get HBO and I have VERY small knee caps.)
However, just as I thought my shame spiral could not go any further out of control, I watched the Bachelorette “Men Tell All” special. And within this broadcast, I realized that maybe this isn’t completely my fault. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’m not quite the horrible hell beast that I was making myself out to be.
And it’s all because of Chris from Chicago.
First of all, Chris from Chicago, CALM THE F@#$ DOWN.
This dude is terrifying. He seems like the type of guy that might literally STAB YOU IN YOUR EYEHOLES WHILE YOU SLEEP. Watching him alternately gloat and glower at the camera made me realize that this is what I’m dealing with around here. JUST CHRIS’ FROM CHICAGO EVERYWHERE.
Meanwhile, you’ve got Hooksie with his huge man crush, John from St. Louis. I mean, HE LOVES THAT GUY. It makes me imagine Hooks walking along the streets of St. Louis falling in love with every other guy that he meets. And HE TOTALLY LIKES GIRLS! It just isn’t fair.
So I suppose my long winded point is that if John from St. Louis is the affable and self deprecating Cards fan to Chris from Chicago’s aggressive and bro-tastic Cubs fan, then I think we can all agree that my fate is sealed. If you need me, I’ll be at the pet store buying my first dozen cats.
PS: If I were to learn how to make an afghan, where would I do that? I’m only asking for a friend.
PPS: Getting swept by the Reds was more painful than getting run over by a lawnmower. BASEBALL!!!
Last week brought the field of potential suitors to two: Jef with one f and Arie. While sending Sean to eternally chase The Maynard's love. But before we get the final decision (or not) it's time to warm up the leftover men and see just how eager they still are to win a six-year-old.
SIDE STORY: Yes, this is the show that we crashed last year with Fresh WC. Read all about our adventure and TV exposure. We've got a little throwback Bachlorette for you tonight. LINK HERE
Oh, and did we mention that it's the return of HollyWolf? AWWWWOOOOOOOO! Wolf-Pack 4-EVA.
7:04 - More interview time with Harrison. At this point if you told me that Emily was MacNeil/Lehrer's love child, I'd believe it. She's verbal Ambien.
7:15 - Emily agrees to do the 'running man'. They're just outright taunting Sean right now. Low rent, guys.
7:22 - Bachelor Pad returns? With random fans? IN.
7:35 - HollyWolf's Louis Vuitton one liner KILLS again. If Channing Tatum can become a big movie star, why not The Wolf? Let's make this happen casting directors.
7:38 - Wolfner tires to mix it up, but Little Landon Lollipop pulls down Ryans pants and starts fellating him right there on stage. That was totally uncalled for, Landon. Wipe up and sit back down. Magic Mike is showing at 8:15, 9:45 and 10:50 right up the street.
SIDE STORY: Chris Harrison is a legit host. He does stand-ups in one take. He gets the most out of his interviews. I think the Today Show missed the boat going with Savannah Guthrie. Harrison is like a female version of Ann Curry. Could have been great with Lauer.
7:59 - Underrated moment from this season? When Ryan made Tony sit there and listen to his 8,000 word screed slash poem. Why didn't he leave? How did he take it for so long? Why wasn't this adressed?
8:02 - Chris = PWND. If you're going to step up to Bachelor: Augusta you better bring heat. That was more like a dribble.
8:04 - Oh, no. OH NO. Chris, dude. Now you're just teeing Ryan up. You're dad is at risk for execution if he returns to the Eastern Bloc for having such a daisy of a son.
8:26 - Watching Emily cry over Sean, it struck me that she still used the Topsy Tail. Bold statement.
8:37 - Doug has been getting shit for weeks for his break-up make-out. But at the same time, he's done something very few of us have done. Have you ever tried blocking a break-up with a make-out? It is NOT easy to get a thank you.
8:39 - Kalon is an internet tough guy, eh? If you're going to be a reality villan, own it. Stick to your Facebook post level of snark. Don't bitch out.
BLOOPERS: Stuff falling over, guys getting naked, Jef with one f being called Andrew, Wolfner eating a banana with the skin on, Emily likes to sleep with homeless men, lights go out.
8:50 - "One of the best seasons we've ever had"? By what measuring stick, Chris?
8:57 - Who had the under on 3 minutes for a checkered flag reference for Arie on the finale? Cash your tickets. Producers couldn't even wait until Sunday.
Going Home: Nobody
Next Week: The FINALE (Reminder: This is on Sunday night, not the normal Monday timeslot. Special Live Blog post planned.)
Chevy "Keys To STL" has asked for my top 3 All-Star Game moments. Top 3 All-Star Game moments? That's like asking me to pick my favorite 20 dollar bill. Or my favorite Tom Cruise divorce.
What, too soon?
Champions persevere, though. And since they were the ones that sent The CD to KC for the ASG, we needed to comply promptly.
"You want a free beer", yelled the guy with a Yadier Molina jersey on.
"Serious. Free beer!"
Normally, the offer of a free beer from a random outside a stadium would have been an non-starter (Note: lie), but since the guy had a Cardinals jersey on, I had to at least see what the catch was.
"No catch. We need to head into the stadium and brought too much beer.
We're giving them out to Cardinal fans."
And he wasn't kidding. In the 15 minutes I hung out with this stranger, he literally offered every Cardinal shirt wearing person a free beer. Some took it, others politely declined. But his singular motivation was nothing more than showing some love to Cardinal fans while making every other teams fans looks like selfish brats.
Normally when you wear your colors on the road, it leads to hostility.
Instead, during the All-Star Game, a member of Cardinal Nation hung out with a cooler of free beer and made a bunch of new friends without ever getting a single name.
That's why we love sports. Couldn't point to this guy in a line-up, but he could care less. As long as he's made our city look better, he doesn't care where the credit goes. And yes, it was Budweiser.
We knew Ted was a real life version of Family Guy. But we went to the movies and laughed anyway.
We knew that MLB was going to pull out all the old tropes to celebrate America. But I loved it anyway.
From the huge flag covering the outfield to the Stealth Fighter flying over during the National Anthem. it was all designed to stir the baseball/patriotic symbolism to a dizzying height. And when I put on my free red shirt to be a part of a huge 40,000 person flag and looked across the aisle to see a veteran in full salute, I admit. it worked.
America F YEAH!
Subject to change if Mr. LaRussa decides to un-retire and go manage the Reds, but seeing his last game managed was a special moment. He's the third most winningest manager of all-time in MLB and for more years of my life than not, he's been the manager of my favorite team.
The ultimate competitor. The ultimate winner. And after the game, he looked like a guy that had just put the finishing touch on a career that will not be equaled in my lifetime. And maybe his participation in the 2012 ASG will ultimately be a footnote when the epitaph of his life is rendered, but still, we were there. The very last time he puts on #10 in a Cardinals jersey to do something other than a little role-play at home.
A fitting way to end an All-Star game experience.
Just because the weekend series sucked:
H/T Katie M