Let's play 'Choose Your Own Column': 

So Mitchell Boggs in the 7th? 

One of these innings he's going to be good again, right? We'll just see how low we have to go. Like a reverse limbo stick.

That game was so ugly, it went into a haunted house and came out with an application. 

You're right. That wasn't funny.

And neither is the sequence of numbers 0, 1, 2. As in 0 runs, 1 hit and 2 errors. If Stanley Kubrick was around, I think he'd be working on Clockwork 2. 

Thank goodness Carlos Beltran was able to scratch out 1 hit, otherwise literally hundreds of Pirate fans in attendance would have had something to cheer about for the first time since the 1990s.

(Side: this won the 'Hyundai Drive of the Game' award. Considering the Cardinals have deals in place to run these promotions every game, what happens when they get no-hit?)

At least the bullpen is getting on tra... what's that? They got lit up for 3 runs to salt this one away?

Well at least Shelby Miller is showing why he's the '5th' starter. 6 innings and 2 runs on the road? You'll take that 10 times out of 10 from your 5th.

I guess you're going to have games like this when you play 162. Every team will. 

But last night's odious performance was as as bad as you can play in one of the most depressing parks to do it in. Let's forget it even happened and get back to our regularly scheduled pounding of the Pirates.

Please.

I 

Sunday was a Top 10 day in St. Louis. 

Unlike San Diego or Miami where 80 degree cloudless days with a consistent breeze seem to be called Tuesday, St. Louis sees precious few. Sitting in Busch Stadium, watching baseball, drinking beers... chances are if you're on this site in the first place, you agree - it doesn't get much better.

Then it got worse.

Much worse.

II

We haven't commented much on Jason Motte here in this space. Much like the rest of Cardinal fans, we're waiting for the official word on his elbow condition. But he's going need Tommy John surgery and his season is over. 

Yes, there is a chance that's not true. But Motte hasn't begun a throwing regimen yet. April is more than half-way over. And other closers, including former Cardinal Jason Isringhausen, have said the surgery is a fait accompli. 

Sometimes, you forget how great the Internet is.

Last Friday in a bit of ESPN synergy, Colin Cowherd (host of ESPN Radio's 'The Herd' and former co-host of SportsNation) went on the BS Report with Bill Simmons (Editor in Chief of Grantland.com) and had a expansive conversation. 

Cowherd is a pretty divisive figure (see this), but beneath all that bravado was a tender young child. A tender young child that got his heart ripped out of his chest and stomped on by none other than The Mad Hungarian, Al Hrabosky.

Let's listen together:

You can get the whole pod HERE, if you care to. 

But in the grand scheme of things you hear today, I have a hard time believing that you were expecting this.

Ok.

Enough waiting. 

The whole Aaron Miles bites a dude's back while being held at gunpoint in a hotel room during spring training story that we're all in love with? You know, that one?

Bio Channel has brought it to life.

I don't know what took so long... click the picture below for the full preview.

h/t @JBuch41 for the link. 

Jake Westrook is your early leader for Cy Young. 

Ok, that's probably a bit much, considering Mr. Westbrook is 1-1 on the season.

But with 15.2 innings pitched and only 1 run given up... it's the truth if it wasn't so stupid to be saying such a thing 2 starts into 2013.  

And I get the feeling that we're all like "DUDE. Westbrook kind of doesn't suck!".

But is it that simple? I mean, let's get real, Westbrook hasn't sucked, pretty much ever. In fact, he's been pretty good for the Cardinals since his debut in 2010.

2010?

This is really his fourth season in St. Louis? Why does it seem like he's pretty much floated under the radar? When's the last time we had a good Westbrook talk at the bar?

I don't have the best memory, but I'm having trouble putting together the Jake Westbrook greatest hits list. So I went to YouTube and typed in "Jake Westbrook Great Moment" and THIS came up.

The same search with David Freese or Adam Wainwright produces different results.

There's no deep insight here. Westbrook is 99-96 in his career. His totally even keel, pretty OK career.

After 2 starts, he's way above his personal mean. Maybe this is it. This is the year that he's decided to put something together that people can rally around and remember Jake for 20 years from now. 

Here's hoping....

Now, the Friday Links...

Job applications these days. LINK HERE

Tour de France. LINK HERE

Engineers. LINK HERE

The biggest Jurassic Park secret? LINK HERE

These never, ever get old. LINK HERE

Thrift Shop is getting pretty played out. LINK HERE

That's it. That's the week. The Brewers and old friend Kyle Lohse come to town this weekend. Welcome back, pal. I wonder just what inning we'll get to hop on Twitter and use the #Lohse'd hashtag? I'm calling the 4th. 

Jake Westbrook for Cy Young. 

Ok. Enough Cardinals talk. Because in comparison to what's going on with the Cubs, well... let's just go to the news:

ITEM 1: Cubs prospect attacks visiting dugout with a bat!

Oh, the Cubs. At least it's not like this guy is signed for 9 years or 30 million dollars and is a top prospect, right?

Ooof.

Considering how many heated arguments there are in baseball, it's surprising that the stick isn't used more (even just in fight posturing). But when it does, it tends to stick with you. 

What was the offense that made Mr. Soler go for the sports nuclear option? Getting a little smack talk laid on him sliding into second base. Not a intentional bean ball. Not a punch in a brawl. But some smack talk. 

Me thinks this doesn't bode well for the Small Bears. 

ITEM 2: Goat head delivered to Cubs owner!

But faux bat-attacks? That's child's play. 

Because Cubs owner Tom Ricketts got a goat head delivered in his name to Wrigley Field. 

A real goat head.

I mean, no words. 

Next time we think the Cardinals have it bad, just realize that there are people that honestly, seriously root for the Cubs every summer. And these are the stories that they have to deal with. Sometimes two per day. Poor people. 

You know what is awesome? 

Bacon.

Bacon is awesome. So instead of playing around with Rally Squirrels or Tortoises, let's just make Rally Pig the Cardinals seconday mascot to Fredbird. 

Deal?

Gas cans! 

Get yer GAS CANS!

I don't know much, but I do know that the best way to honor Stan Musial, and to a lesser degree the holiday that is Opening Day, is to NOT get blitzed for 9 runs in the 9th inning of a tied ball game.

Unless, As Bernie Miklasz pointed out this AM, you're taking this whole 13 in '13 thing to another place.

It was like the perfect house party, but instead of going home 1 drink sooner, you blow another shot, then blow chunks all over the carpet. 

The Stan Musial tributes? Spot on. The Hall of Fame parade? No other team has that. It's awesome. The harmonica National Anthem? Cool. Jamie Garcia? Showing some spine for the first time in a while against a really good team. 

Now just reel in this perfect day...

That's when the bullpen lit fire to everything and sent The Nation screaming for the exits. 

Let's take a look at the closer Mitchell Boggs line for 2013: 4 games/ 14.54 ERA/ 2.07 WHIP. Carlos Marmol, the Cubs disposed closer that is getting hammered by fans and his own management alike? 4 games/ 16.88 ERA/ 3.75 WHIP.

Just some perspective.

Looks like Motte was a wee bit more valuable to the team than most of us assumed. Games count the same in April as they do in September. So setting fire to the mound against THE team you'll be chasing in 2013. At home? During the home opener?

Stings.

Now the Cardinals have to pivot and make sure that they don't let this series get out of hand and have the Reds break from the blocks early with a big lead. 

It's not going to be easy. Somebody better check the fire extinguishers.