In big press conference news, Rick Ankiel met with the Kansas City media after officially inking his multi-million dollar mega deal earlier today.

You know, because press conferences are necessary for one year contracts...especially ones worth a little over $3 million. An operator is standing by, Royals fan - buy your tickets now!

Speaking of, they really need your money now. Look at the fancy technology that Ankiel is sitting in front of. It's like a vortex of crappy .230 free-swingers wearing Mark Gubicza's jersey. Even when the Royals are trying not to look like a collection of dumbasses, they still fail. I think a banner with your logo and a couple ads will be good enough, guys. Or Ankiel's phone number for the ladies? Or even a sweet screen saver (pipes?). Anything but the same exact thing that all six dudes at the presser are falling asleep to.

For reference, Adam Kennedy (3 yrs, $10 million) and Kip Wells (1 yr, $4 million) signed in late 2006 in front of what appears to be my High School library.

Royals beat the Cardinals again. (shakes fist at sky) Denkinger!!

Here’s a bit of football analysis from a guy that has absolutely no credentials: Brad Childress (probably)was thinking about a nubile young boy and his nuts got sucked inside his stomach. This had an unfortunate side effect, since he forgot he was coaching a football game. Meanwhile his QB that is older than penicillin threw an interception that killed the Vikings season…

In Indianapolis, Peyton Manning proved he can’t be beat this year. He never gets injured and when he plays, the Colts win. Meaning that unless he gets capped or captured by rouge mild Downs patients to lead their clan, the Colts are winning the Super Bowl…

The median sale price projector on eBay is very accurate. The last 3 items I sold came within a dollar either way of the value they said I’d get when I listed my items…

For the second year in a row, I was able to creep out at the GND of the Year party presented by InsideSTL. You can read Tim’s full re-cap of the day here, so I’ll spare you the details. But I have to comment on this Joshua character. He’s probably about 40 or so with the skin color of a tangerine. He also has some of the whitest, most awkward moves I’ve ever seen. I doubt we’ll ever see the video of his performance, but it was the funniest thing I’ve seen in 2010. It was like a parody of a parody on honke-ism. I took one pic. It’s here and it’s not insightful, but proves I had good seats?...

As you read this right now, some punk has still not stopped partying in New Orleans while you work…

I’m about thiiiis close to just giving up on the Blues this season. Blowing 3-0 leads in the third period should be a once in a season (if not less) occurrence. Especially at home. It’s just embarrassing that these guys bend over and take it in front of people paying money to see them. And do it with a smile on their face… no comments

He came. He conquered. He came some more- Rick “Dick” Ankiel is no longer the property of the St. Louis Baseball Cardinals.

Finally the mothers of St. Louis can get a decent night’s sleep.

Over the years, we’ve made no bones about our fondness for the greatest pitcher/hitter/fornicator that this town has ever born witness to. So today is a day of mourning.

READ WHAT A GAY CARDINAL WOULD DO TO STL HERE

I suppose we knew deep down that Dick wasn’t coming back to the team that drafted him as a stud pitcher in 1997. But still, as word leaked out last night that he had agreed to a 1 year 3.25 million dollar contract with the KC Royals, we couldn’t help but be taken aback.

After all, this was the same guy that was awesome as a pitcher, completely lost ‘it’ in an epic playoff meltdown in the biggest media market in the world, quit pitching altogether, and made it back into the Cardinals line-up as a power-hitting OF.

All while moonlighting as a porn star.

Was he the perfect player? No. He wasn’t.

But I also don’t believe that St. Louis fully appreciated just what the hell this guy had done. A fraction of a percentage of players are good enough to get 1 win in the majors as a pitcher. A slightly smaller fraction of players are good enough to get one hit in the majors. Yet, somehow, this guy excelled in both.

That’s a freak. In all senses.

CardsDiaspora wishes Dick Ankiel all the best in Kansas City- he’s going to need it if he wants to get out of that town STD free…

Now some links…

• You watched the finale last night. Watch kids perform it today. Guido. LINK HERE (HT: AH)
• Interesting breakdown on profile pics for dating services and social media. LINK HERE
• Fun with the Cabela's online help desk. LINK HERE
• Wanna see a box of wine explode in the microwave? Of course you do. LINK HERE
• Retired guy goes ahead and solves the mystery of Stonehenge. Seriously. LINK HERE
• The Top 10 'Pants on the Ground' re-mixes. LINK HERE
• Damn you Rock Band. Why do you have to be so engrossing!?!? LINK HERE
• More optical illusions. Some people have tons of time on their hands. LINK HERE

We've had a big week haven't we, little guys and girls?

"You people" spent a lot of time and effort - but mostly money - at the Cardinals' Winter Warm-Up this past weekend.  There is still a Mark McGwire hangover in the air (might just be fog, but i can't tell).  And to cap it off, Hooks got you all riled up about Albert Pu-jolz leaving town in two years.  It could happen, yes.  You could worry about it now, yes.  But you don't have to just yet.  I'm always chock full of ideas to put your mind at ease.  Like...

Jessica. Emmanuelle.

Biel. Chriqui.

Ass.

I was surprised at how many breathless e-mails, texts and IM’s I got yesterday over Albert Pujols and his comments on his pending contract negotiations.

They ranged from panicked to complete confidence and everywhere in between. But I think Bernie in his 5 Minutes blog summarized Pujols’ Winter Warm-Up press conference the best.

Paraphrasing, he says that Albert pretty much gave everybody a little something to chew on. If you believe that he’d never leave St. Louis? He said he wants to be a life-long Cardinal. You think he’s out of here? He said he’d play for another team and that hometown discounts weren’t applicable.

The bottom line, though? The Cardinals made one of the best gambles of all-time in any sport by giving a 3 year veteran a 100+million dollar contract that turned out to be an incredible bargain. Remember back when that was singed- we all hoped he was worth it. Turns out he was worth about double, if not triple.

Read More on AP's Contract at BLEACHER REPORT

Now 10 years in, this is AP’s contract. The one that sets him, his kids and his grandkids up for whatever they want. And he’s going to get what he can from the Cardinals.

At times, this is going to get uncomfortable. It always does in negotiations. But I do believe, that deep down, Albert does want to stay in St. Louis… BUT… the Cardinals are going to have to pay him fair value.

Determining fair value in a once in a lifetime player is another story.

The only thing that can cut through this dense fog blanketing the St. Louis area? Incisive writing housed on Bleacher Report by yours truly. Please do me a solid and get over there via the link below and read the whole article, then come back here and give us money. 

IS ALBERT PUJOLS LEAVING THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS FOR REAL?

And then, in a story that proves pretty much once and for all that the Internet is the best invention ever... it looks like Big Mac signed every autograph he ever gave as a huge dong on himself. Yes, seriously. LINK HERE (HT: Fresh WC)

Every year, at least for the past 5 or 6, I've been to opening day. I wouldn't miss it. And a couple years back I'm pretty sure I gave strep throat to 75 people by showing up.

I have a blog. A blog that is 70% about the St. Louis Cardinals. (10% bacon, 20% other).

In short- I don't think that anyone can sit here and say with a straight face that I'm not involved with this team. Because even in January, I'm still tapping away at this keyboard.

But if you've ever gone to the Cardinals Winter Warm-Up, you're going to get to see some very mentally ill people.

It's scary.

In that video you just saw:

1) People were wildly cheering a guy who's only meaningful action in the past decade for the team was admitting he cheated. Those reactions are more appropriate for, I don't know, Taylor Lautner ripping open his shirt and butt pounding Tino Martinez to teach him a lesson? Getting a VISA to leave Haiti? Not admitting what everyone already knew.

2) Dude- you're really still holding on this whole Roger Maris thing? Get laid, brother. Get. Fucking. Laid. My e-mail is above and if you want, I'll Pay Pal you 10 bucks to use towards a seedy handy at least.

3) News coverage. This is a glorified shakedown in the name of charity. While you were doing that live hit, 3 people were executed in Kiener Plaza.  If we had any pretense about what drives media coverage in this town- the Winter Warm-Up clears that right up. It's baseball.

Why does this blog have a Cardinal theme? Why don't I do any work on the Rams or Blues, which I both like? Because baseball fucking sells in this city. It drives the cart. People say they care about other things like murder, taxes or education... but they don't. Unless it's a sales tax on Albert Pujols murdering a home run to educate the Cubs on just how bad they still suck. Then they care.

Let’s cut the crap: If you want 2 Winter Warm-Up tickets for this weekend (Jan 16-17-18), then you’re going to have to click the ‘read more’ button and find out how to get them.

Cards Diaspora will be announcing the winner today @ 6p CST and I will be reaching out to the winner via e-mail tonight to see how we can get them to you. Hell, I might just drive over to your house and drop them off. That's the kind of guy athooks is!

More Info on Winter Warm-Up

A very special thanks to BWM for helping the cause. She’s a true American and a loyal friend of the site. This might be second-hand corporate largesse- but F it- it's all good in this hood. These are 80 bucks after all...

Click on the read more to enter…

I’m a lazy ass and didn’t feel like re-hashing more Mark McGwire schlock for InsideSTL.com, so do me a favor, go to the site today, like you do every Friday, but just know ahead of time that it’s pretty much this article re-formatted for them.

Yes, that’s minor-league.  At the same time, I went out for dinner last night and THIS was served. I’m sure Harvest had me and 3 other jacklegs throwing a fish head around the table mortifying the other patrons when they put that on the menu, right?

And after you get done going to InsideSTL.com, come back and read Christine Brennan’s article in USA Today on Mark McGwire. Why? Because it’s El Dragon’s birthday this weekend and the only thing he hates more than Bud Selig… is loving Christine Brennan. LINK HERE

Yes, that’s a complicated sentence for a man with mercurial tastes.

Have a beefy weekend friends. Enjoy some NFL playoffs and a reprieve from soul shredding coldness.

Now, some links…

• 25 Sharpie egg face scenes shouldn't be cool. But it is. LINK HERE
• As far as I can tell, this is the most useful augmented reality use yet. LINK HERE
• Lamebook is the gift that keeps on giving. LINK HERE
• The 7 best commercials done by St. Louis Cardinals. LINK HERE
• The classroom is a rougher place than I remember it. LINK HERE
• Let's once again, turn it over to the Lamebook. LINK HERE
• The top 7 classic movie moments you didn't know were improv. LINK HERE

If you look really hard throughout the internet, only one other Cardinal has been written about this week. Obviously, the article is about David Freese's fantasy impact in 2010.

Uh huh - Fantasy Baseball (but feel free to talk about downing a case of Natty Light and driving through Maryland Heights without getting caught as "a fantasy" below in the comments).

If you're a big dork like me, you noticed Eric Karabell's article on ESPN.com the other day. It's listed as an Insider article, but the full version is currently all there. Even if you couldn't give a fuck about fantasy baseball - or you do give a fuck or two about fantasy baseball, but have no intentions of drafting an almost 27 year old rookie "prospect" - be sure to at least click the link, just to get the satisfaction that ESPN was finally nice to you.

Karabell says:

In a 10-team mixed league, I can't say it matters … yet. Freese shouldn't be drafted in that format, because there are plenty of third basemen to go around, so why go with someone who still hasn't really earned his organization's endorsement. I mean, Freese never really got a legit audition after Glaus was hurt last April, and the team sent myriad underwhelming options to third base before ultimately trading for Mark DeRosa. But I think Freese will do much like DeRosa in 2009 … if given the chance.

Ultimately, I think Freese is ready to hit in the big leagues, and the fact the Cardinals spent crazy money on Matt Holliday should urge the team to forgo spending money for a third baseman, choosing instead to have Freese fill the job. I wouldn't draft Freese over DeRosa, not yet. But I would take the chance on him, assuming he wins the job, and grab him before such players as Casey Blake, Mark Teahen, Garrett Atkins, Kevin Kouzmanoff and Brandon Inge. There's upside here with Freese, 25-homer upside. If you're in a deep league or an NL-only version, I'd certainly keep Freese on your radar screen.

I find it interesting though, that of all the guys who could have been written about - guys who are getting the call-up and/or being given a shot to win Major League jobs this spring - he chose Freese.

Because of the constant content they put out, and how often they go out on a limb, most fantasy experts could probably have a higher success rate in death pools than telling you what sleepers to target in the 20th round this year. So I take Karabell's thoughts with a grain of salt, but it kind of gets you excited that someone outside of us or any of the not-as-great-as-us Cardinal blogs are writing about David Freese's offensive potential. Side ramble: maybe some other time we can talk about this more, but Brendan Ryan in the two hole gets me none excited. None. Hopefully Freese emerges, can take some walks, and could successfully hit in front of that guy who usually hits third.

And with the Holliday signing, it looks like he'll finally get his chance to play every day. At least it'll come before he starts getting gray hairs (I think...). Someone remind me - why did Joe Thurston get 463 innings at 3B last year, while Freese was called up in September for 41?