<In the Cardinals locker room>
Matheny: Sooooo, guys. Haha. We have these big long sticks of wood. Maybe try and use them???
<Snickering in the background>
Matheny: You guys, seriously. Try to be professional. We have to win some games, here. Like, it's shit or get off the pot time.
<LOTS of snickering>
Matheny: We need to catapult baseballs into the stratosphere. Or alternately, into places that infielders, outfielders can't catch 'em! Are there any questions?
Kozma: Uh...what on earth are you talking about? WE GET STICKS??? What do we use those for???
Holliday: I'm kind of busy, I've been refinancing my mortgage. And my anti-aging therapy is going preeeetyy good.
Craig: SERIOUSLY? Don't blame me for this garbage.
Jay: I HAVE NEW SHOES!!!
Beltran: Do I seriously have to explain this? I'M SO BORED.
Freese: I went on a roller coaster today and it was awesome!
Adams: Cheeseburgers are the best, but have you had one with DOUBLE CHEESE???
Wainwright: I'm so full of self loathing that I've been reading Hunter S. Thompson. THAT GUY.
Mujica: HAHA YOU GUYS JUST TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE BUT WOOHOO THIS IS A GODDAMN TRAIN WRECK!
Carpenter: UHHHH...maybe we should think about the fact that we are still contenders and try to win a game or two? We are still pretty good!
Matheny: Great talk! Let's bunt three times tomorrow and all will be good in this world.
Molina: I want to laser fight you all to the death.