Hey, guys! What’s going on?
Are you all enjoying your summers surrounded by daiquiris and pool floats and hovercraft golf carts or whatever the hell else you all amuse yourselves with during the months when you don’t have to live under a pile of blankets and the overwhelming sense of dread that you might never see sunshine or another living human soul for the rest of your days?
I’m a little late to the party this year (due mostly to the fact that I’m a horribly lazy person), but SO FAR, I’ve really been enjoying the way this Cardinals baseball season has been going. Not much to complain about, really, and I think we all know that’s my bread and butter.
Turns out, I’m very, very bored if I don’t have lots of Mitchell Boggs to incessantly whine and moan about loudly like an elderly cow dying a very slow death from typhoid fever /infected hang nail.
HOWEVER, SHIT HAS JUST GOTTEN VERY REAL!!!!
Five losses in a row? FIVE? (Ed. Note... We couldn't even get this up quick enough, it's now six losses in a row.) As in, all of the fingers on one hand or the equivalent of a shiny nickel that I might have found next to a dumpster don’t judge me I didn’t get bitten by a single rat although one seemed to be eyeing me very suspiciously???
WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE???? WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING AND ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS NONSENSE????
First of all, I find it IMPOSSIBLE to take the Pirates seriously.
What kind of a world are we living in right now? There are wars and cancer and jean shorts and the goddamn first place PITTSBURGH PIRATES???
Here I was, wasting all of my energy hating the Reds and the Dubs because OBVIOUSLY those adorable little scrapsters (new word, it’s been trademarked!) from Pennsylvania were NEVER going to keep up their early season momentum and were inevitably bound to run face first into a big huge wall of baseball sucktitude (also a new word, not yet trademarked!) and leave us all alone because that’s the way things are supposed to work and nothing else makes sense please dear GOD make it all stop!
I WANT MY MOM!!!!
This is clearly a lot for all of us to handle and I’m not sure three giant run-on sentences from me helps to ease the anguish, but at the very least we can all rest assured that there’s no way it can get worse. Right?
Seriously, though. I want my mom.