Bachelor Live Blog: Episode 5
Last week we had some Iraqi elbow jobs (dropped over Baghdad), a very misguided young lady learning the hard way how prostitutes are really treated and and roller skating. 
But tonight?
Part 1 of a 2 night Bachelor spectacular. That's right. 4 hours in two nights. Oh, and PETULANCE! PETULANCE ABOUNDS!
(Ed. Note: Tonight, I attended a small get together for this show. Why does this matter? It doesn't really, I guess. But I did learn some things...
1 - Women are brutal to other women.
2 - Where I come from (Venice IL) snitches get stitches. But it appears to be a divisive dating tactic.
3 - Women hate other women.)
7:01 - Pack your bags ladies.... you're going to... MONTANA!
(CLICK HERE for full effect)
7:16 - That square is literally every single person in Montana. When told that this would come on TV later in the fall and winter, well, they shot and ate that producer. They weren't all that familiar with hipsters and reacted.
7:25 - Goat Milk? Goat Milk.
7:37 - Valid point. Spend time vigorously jerking a goats udder and then drinking the results deserves something, right? Because that image above is getting co-opted by Cinemax late-night in 3...2...
7:41 - Wait, how'd she get a blue team shirt? Is she wearing someone elses clothes? Is this an amazing coincidence?
7:51 - "Two women, one rose. One stays and one goes." Chris Harrison is a dick.
7:55 - Just got an e-mail from a west coast viewer: "I have a story idea that basically follows the Bachelor but at some point, a horrible, bubonic plague type illness (or rabid case of crabs or a zombie invasion or the power grid shuts down) sets in on the cast and crew over a 3 week span and everyone except the bachelor and one girl survive. I need to tease it out a little more but you get the idea."
8:01 - The old 'dead boyfriend' card? Played. Not much you can do there Jackie. That's The Bachelor immunity idol.
8:35 - "I'm not a drama person at all." Right.
8:44 - You know who would have been good to fill all that time during the Super Bowl yesterday? Chris Harrison. That's who. When the director behind the camera needs someone to stretch a shot, no one is better. No one.
8:55 - Welp. It was a good run. Let the lawsuits begin!
CUT: Jackie, Robyn
TOMORROW NIGHT: Hypothermia. More Hypothermia. Breathing tubes. Possible mass deaths.
