YOU GUYS!!! What in the world is even going ON right now???
I can't help but panic, as it's traditionally what I do every single time the Cardinals lose to the Cubs. But COME ON! CLEARLY there is something off in the universe when this happens with any sort of regularity.
Seriously? Those guys? This team? This year? I must have been seeing things. SURELY, this very competent team did not commit three errors in one game. SURELY, I must be hallucinating that Jake Westbrook gave up 11 hits over five innings.
There is NO WAY that Alfonso Soriano did useful things.
I just can't believe any of this absurd information. After that completely depressing series against Atlanta, there is NO WAY the birds on the bat extended this losing streak to four games.
I didn't even see the end of it. I'll be honest, after the sixth inning I was distracted (like Master Hooks!) with the Bachelorette. And I genuinely don't know which broadcast was more depressing/humiliating to watch. I don't feel good about myself, but at least I didn't want to throw a rock through my friend's television while watching that pretty blond lady hand out roses to a bunch of weirdos.
I mean, at least none of those idiots made ME feel like an idiot. Now I have to go about my business tomorrow while trying to pretend like I don't want to hide a dead rodent under the driver's seat of Alfonso Soriano's car. And I do. I REALLY do. (You can find my "rotting carcass" wanted ad on Craig's List!)
You guys, I knew the Redbirds weren't going to win every series and be 20 games in first place by June 1st. But I was feeling pretty good there for awhile and don't think it's too much to ask that this band of misfits (NOT) pull their SHIT TOGETHER (yes) and beat the Dubs (DURRRRR).
I'm hardly making sense anymore. This is what happens when you combine Boggs and rose ceremonies. I do NOT recommend it. (Dad, seriously. I mean it!) Let's just go back to winning baseball games and whatnot. Order needs to be restored so I can ignore my impulse to drive an eighteen wheeler through an elementary school.
Plus, I'm honestly not sure how much access I have to Alfonso Soriano's car. It breaks my heart as much as it does yours.