It's Week 2.
We opened the season of Emily with a bunch of guys doing stuff that they're sitting at home watching with their boys, getting hammered with insults for and only taking solace in the arms of the fifth girl they've exercised their 15 minutes of fame on this week.
America, people. America.
8:01 - So these guys aren't in LA or St. Croix or San Tropez? They're in Charlotte? Tough luck bros.
8:02 - STLs own John 'Wolf' Wolfner is here by donned... HOLLYWOLF.
8:10 - What magical things await Ryan as he's chosen for the first one on one date? Maybe a helicopter ride with Billy Graham? Some freestyle rapping on footbal with Cam Newton? Nope. Cookie baking, waiting in the car and creeping on young kids from the parking lot. Next date he'll be running into CVS for tampons.
8:14 - Kelly Clarkson promotes the new singing competition 'Duets' by demanding "let's do it". No thanks, Kelly. Appreciate the offer.
8:21 - What has Ryan done to deserve this? When they finally get the booze going... Emily gets her lecture on. Scolding her date for the inadequacies she's felt in her previous relationships. "This is not a game!" she declares with empathetical gusto. You know, until the part where she hands out roses and eliminates contestants at the end of the show.
8:24 - "I would love that rose.." Most of the time the contestants mean it. This time, I'm not so sure.
8:25 - Let's get 3 hundred people and Gloriana. Everyone got your cellphones out? Ok. See that table top? DANCE! Mortifying. (And that's just Gloriana... HI YO!)
8:28 - Muppets.
8:34 - Kermit is brining the heat tonight. Bacon jokes, firing on Emily, dissing his girl slash pig on camera... HEAT. Am I crazy or should we see if he can't at least be Chris Harrison's Brian Dunkleman?
8:44 - Take THAT Louis CK. HOLLYWOLF in the motherfucking house! If those were the two jokes they picked out for the final cut, then the other ones must have murdered the audience. Dead. Don't deny us those jokes ABC. Give us the jokes.
8:47 - Now Kermit is sucking face with Emily. Pimp sesh.
8:54 - Emily takes Jeff behind the woodshed for his lack of interest in her awesomeness. Listen little boys, you better not take your eyeballs off her angelic bod for one second or you will feel the pain. She's been widowed, dumped and isn't going to take insubordination. FALL IN.
9:02 - Props to Kalon. I didn't think he'd wear my grandmother's shawl when I sent it to ABC wardrobe, but the sumofabitch cowboy'd up and threw it on over a nice button up.
9:04 - Kalon zips up the Party DJ: "I wouldn't like me either if I was you BRO. Fortunately I'm me. Cheers."
9:12 - This is the first and last private jet ever taken to West Virginia. Let's all pray the locals don't fear a UFO landing and start shooting buckshot in the air to protect that night's raccoon haul.
9:22 - A "lot" more kids? Don't do it Emily. You're playing Russian Roulette with that body.You survived the first time and we don't need any more unnecessary risk. Leave the babymaking for the ugly people.
9:26 - The room is split. The girls think Emily should have gotten a hug after dumping Joe. The boys think Joe stayed strong and was dignified in defeat. Awww, fuck it. Fireworks!
9:36 - We've got our first two knuckler of the season. (Two knuckles in the mouth while cringing at the TV.) Tony stands and watches Emily read chapter 3 of Anna Karenina that Ryan transcribed on parchment.
9:44 - He's using his vocabulary as a weapon? Somebody order a CODE RED.
9:45 - Holllywolf. Not getting a sponsorship from Louis Vuitton. Is winning the hearts of Mid-America. Also, rumor has it he's the one that donned Kalon 'Chopper'.
9:52 - HOLLYWOLF is through to week 3. But so is Tony, so maybe we can't glean much from the chopping block this week.
Cut: Aaron, Kyle and Joe (earlier in show).
Next Week: Another week in Charlotte. Dolly Parton. Tongue kissing. More dancing in front of a crowd as a second flight country act plays. Ostrich egg smashing.