Bonus Bachelorette Commentary!
You guys, I have something to confess.
And with the Cardinals being ZERO fun to talk about and this site basically being a Bachelorette clearing house anyway, this seems like the appropriate time to bring it up. (I can only offer my sincere apologies to the people who come here for baseball insight. However, the two of you should really know better.)
In any event, I’ve been going through a bit of a dating dry spell.
I mean, of the last two guys to hit on me, one was married and the other was Ronnie Woo Woo. And nothing makes a girl think more critically of herself than the thought of dying alone under an afghan she made for herself.
So, I started looking inward to dissect all of those qualities that might deter Mr. Right and generated a HORRIFYINGLY long list. (Some examples: I’m impatient, I do not get HBO and I have VERY small knee caps.)
However, just as I thought my shame spiral could not go any further out of control, I watched the Bachelorette “Men Tell All” special. And within this broadcast, I realized that maybe this isn’t completely my fault. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’m not quite the horrible hell beast that I was making myself out to be.
And it’s all because of Chris from Chicago.
First of all, Chris from Chicago, CALM THE F@#$ DOWN.
This dude is terrifying. He seems like the type of guy that might literally STAB YOU IN YOUR EYEHOLES WHILE YOU SLEEP. Watching him alternately gloat and glower at the camera made me realize that this is what I’m dealing with around here. JUST CHRIS’ FROM CHICAGO EVERYWHERE.
Meanwhile, you’ve got Hooksie with his huge man crush, John from St. Louis. I mean, HE LOVES THAT GUY. It makes me imagine Hooks walking along the streets of St. Louis falling in love with every other guy that he meets. And HE TOTALLY LIKES GIRLS! It just isn’t fair.
So I suppose my long winded point is that if John from St. Louis is the affable and self deprecating Cards fan to Chris from Chicago’s aggressive and bro-tastic Cubs fan, then I think we can all agree that my fate is sealed. If you need me, I’ll be at the pet store buying my first dozen cats.
PS: If I were to learn how to make an afghan, where would I do that? I’m only asking for a friend.
PPS: Getting swept by the Reds was more painful than getting run over by a lawnmower. BASEBALL!!!
Haha! Wow... I stumbled across this link on facebook and since I had nothing better to do at 2:00 in the morning I thought I would see what it was all about. I went to highschool with you back in the day and I think we may have spoken to each other for a minute or two, so I was not really sure of what to expect (which is probably the best way to go into anything that ends up working out, with little or no expectation). I wanted to say that I was amused by your rather insightful dialogue. I find it somewhat troubling that you place the blame of your dating woes on us nauseating, "bro-tastic," Cubs fans. I quickly began scrolling through the rolodex of past Bachelorette contestants in my head (actually the rolodex of male Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants in my head was rather small so I also may have referenced google, but it gives the appearance of intelligence if I say that all of this knowledge was in my head) to find a valiant Chicagoan to rebut your accusations. All I could come up with is that Ed guy who had a couple girls on the back burner while he was simultaneously hooking up with Jillian on national TV??? So I guess, touche... Being a male I find it particularly asinine that Emily would pass up a noble man such as John for a kid who cruised in on his skateboard ala Bart Simpson (Jef with one F). Maybe I just do not understand what it is that women find attractive these days? It's not out of the realm of possibility being that I am simple minded Cubs fan. After reading this blog and utilizing your logic for understanding the behavior of the opposite sex, I believe that if I could find out where Emily's baseball allegiances lie it may offer up a possible explanation to my question. Either way, keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more of your dark and twisty rhetoric.
