It's week 3 of The Bachelor: Winemaker.
Last week our protagonist strayed far, far from his comfort zone and took the harem to... Sonoma. This week he's getting real crazy and going to... his hometown of San Francisco. Here's hoping for a Merton Hanks cameo.
7:03 - No. Actually your sister would hate The Model. With every fiber of her being.
7:05 - "This will be a very funny story to tell later on in life." And with that, The Winemaker's sister has written the epitaph for every Bachelor season in the history of The Bachelor. Well played.
7:14 - Learn from Doc's mistakes. Never, ever list your real fears to The Bachelor Producers. They'll use that shit against you in ways that you don't want to know. I proabably would have left the show if you asked me to climb a bridge.
7:22 - Online Dating Fail = signing up and getting sent your brother as your match. Ouch.
7:35 - Leap List. Is this a real thing? Oh, what's that you say? It's a clever marketing stunt by Honda? Of course it is. When you're a cynical asshole and word comes up four times without prompting, your radar goes up. Those Hondas the girls drove to the slopes weren't an accident. Because Honda bought a Super Bowl spot for their new campaign... called Leap List.
7:47 - A girl left. I'm not 100% convinced she was actually on the show. But she left.
8:00 - Hey big, big news Matt, we've got you a gig booked on national TV!!! No, no - it's not Letterman. You'll actually be on The Bachelor. And we're going to need to you play in a vacant city hall. For two terribly coordinated white people dancing in the atrium. With flashlights. (Also, second week in a row at City Hall. I smell a fetish.)
8:16 - THE FIRST L BOMB of 2012! We're barely half way into Episode 3 and we've got an L BOMB. A new record!
8:18 - Shawntel. Is. Back. The mystery player has been revealed and it's America's favorite funeral director. The Womack buried their relationship on The Bachelor circa 2011, but love doesn't die easy. It's been resurrected. Sorry.
8:21 - JFK had a secret room he took Marylin Monroe? Pimp.
8:32 - "Dumpster Trash". "Brad's Leftovers". "Thick Thighs". The Winemaker was right, the other girls are being really welcoming.
8:44 - The Model has her bluff called. A security intervention will probably be needed to get her off the set. She's like a Transformer for sterotypes. When the all come together they assemble something more than, ahem, meets the eye.
8:50 - Orange Juice? Orange Juice! Exactly what's needed when you're passing out. And make sure it doesn't have any fucking pulp!
8:53 - Ben has decided not to administer a final rose tonight. Vanquishing Shawntel, the fainter and tears for fears in one fell swoop. That's ripe move there, Winemaker. One only a well aged man might make.
What are you laughing at? YOU.