It's Week 2 of The Bachelor: Winemaker.
Last week the fastidiously floppy haired fermenter hosted 25 women at a cocktail party and shed 7 of them to get the gaggle down to 18. This week's Live Blog is coming to you from an undisclosed Sacramento CA hotel room. That tidbit has no bearing whatsoever with this post, but whatever.
7:01 - The Winemaker is having a home game. He takes the ladies to Sonoma CA (AKA Wine Country) for a week of... hmm... romantic vineyard walk and talks? Grape feelings? I thought the only people that went to Sonoma were married or gay? Or both. People kept telling me that this was going to be a boring season, that The Winemaker wasn't ready to step up the drama. I think he's game. He's ready to mix it up. Prove me right, big boy. Prove me RIGHT!
7:02- Is this real life? Didn't see who dropped that, but Internet memes? Big plus. Big.
7:06 - "City Hall, right there." Oh, Christ.
7:17 - The date with Kacie B. continues. And it's going, well, its... painfully, fucking, normal. I'm not here to watch a damn Match.com infomercial. This is the girl from Clarksville TN, though. Ever been there? If you have then you're well aware that she's willing to do just about anything to get out of that raging dumpster fire of a city.
7:18 - Hey ladies... Dong shot! He was 2, but still, dong shot!
7:28 - If the kids want "sexy" you give them sexy. You don't give them The Sprinkler, dammit. Kids these days are much more advanced than we were in Jr. High. They probably had more sex than you did last week. So find a pole, use it and get into the audition. The Sprinkler? I'm offended.
7:32 - A "gingerbread hooker". Well played, kids. Well played.
7:39 - I'm calling bullshit on the kids writing a coherent play in which all the constructs of The Bachelor are effortlessly woven into the fabric of a hastily organized community theater play. And if i'm wrong, then get to living, because we're doomed as a society in about 20 years when these kids are running things.
7:47 - 34 is now a cougar? We're really walking that line back, eh?
7:50 - "How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?" TIMES 2! Ladies, you've learned a valuable lesson tonight, when you're a model, you're better than everyone else. And when you're better than everyone else, you get everything you want. That's it. That's the lesson.
7:57 - Serious question for the ladies out there: does The Winemaker look like a good kisser? I feel like he's doing it wrong, but I want to verify this.
8:11 - The Model busts out the old standby for the really hot girls... "no guys ask me out". For a while, I believed this. So I asked out every smoke show I saw for like 3 weeks. Turns out no guy does not include this guy.
8:19 - Oh Winemaker. He's practically finishing The Model's sentences to get the answers he wants. I dated an actor and it was... JUST SO EMPTY, RIGHT? I'm looking... TO SETTLE DOWN. HUH?? It's like this women bought the entry level hot girl handbook and is reading it from cue cards behind The Winemaker's head. But it still fucking works. It still... fucking... works.
8:24 - I'll admit, I usually don't see the commercials, but is this K-Y Intense thing for real? It says it's "scientifically proven to make a women's big moment, even bigger". Orgasm drops. Sold by the tube. Tested by science. Tell me again how this isn't the best selling product of all time.
8:31- Ashley is totally getting pwnd by The Cougar. Don't bitch to the girls, young won. Got to go mix it up. Oh, and the 'Stage 5 Clinger' zing? So 2006.
8:38 - The Blogger! took 88 minutes, but she's finally here to... throw her jacket on a burning candle. And admit she has a penis? Is she talking about a penis? Penis' don't make you act like this. They don't.
8:42 - Ashley says The Cougar would be something "fun to motorboat". This is fun. How much material is she going to lift from 'Wedding Crashers'? Maybe Owen Wilson is her brother? I hope she sticks around to see just how deep her fandom goes.
8:51- It's time for the axe man...
Who's Bounced? -- The BLOGGER! (Side: either the producers did the worst hatchet job ever on a cast member or this woman is delusional. One or the other, but to be so upset after getting dumped speaks strongly to the former.) Some other girl.