The Bachelor premieres tonight. And after a successful year of Bachelorette Live Blogs, we're going to dig up this dead horse and beat it one more time. If you don't watch the Bachelor, please skip this post altogether. You will find nothing of value. But if you feel that this is the pinnacle of televised entertainment, like we do... then you're in luck.
We'll try to post these on Monday nights and at the latest Tuesday mornings until the finale.
Who: Ben (The Winemaker)
Why: Last man dumped on the Bachelorette 2011.
How: In humiliating fashion. A full proposal and then a rejection.
The Winemaker now gets his shot at redemption. 25 women from all over the country have come to fight over his floppy hair. And over the next several weeks we'll see a man fall in love, propose and then have a messy breakup breathlessly covered by Us Weekly.
F the Masters, this really is a tradition unlike any other.
Let's get after it...
7:00 - Ashley, in what is one of the more deplorable moments in a show predicated on deplorable moments, lets The Winemaker fully prepose before his dumping. I've said it before... if you are a human being, you don't let that dude get down on one knee. That being said... let's watch it again!
7:03 - He makes wine. And tickles the ivory. And kayaks. And has thousand yard stares off docks. Friends, The Winemaker is ready. Game time.
7:10 - "Babe, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population YOU!" That was the text that Lindzi received notifying her that her previous relationship was over. She also is an avid horse rider, who is "ready to get back in the saddle" and "is tired of horsing around". Between the horse puns and the phonetic name spelling I think we have to assume that her previous lover was Seabiscuit.
7:12 - "Beef nuts are cow balls": Amber T
7:14 - Courtney says she is worth at least "2 Karats". Friends, we have our heel for the season. She's a model who's "not afraid of the competition" and "ready for other girls to be jealous". She's straight off the Michelle Money production line.
7:15 - Jenna. She's a blogger? It's called The Overanalyst? Sweet Jesus, Ben. Run. RUN FAST. You don't want anything to do with the blog-o-sphere. Trust us.
7:18 - Meet Shawn, a cut throat business analyst by day. A doting mother by night. While you're at it, meet Nicki a dental professional and recent divorcee. In the parlance of The Bacehelor this season, these will be, shall we say, the sour grapes?
7:32 - Amber. Holy shit. This girls last name is Bacon. And she just rattled off 5 back to back puns so fast, The Winemaker had to wonder just what they hell hit him. I'm wondering just what the hell hit him. That was terrifyingly awesome. I think.
7:36 - The Blogger, everyone. The Blogger. This is what happens in our minds. Only worse.
7:39 - Miss Pacific Palisades? Ohhhhhhh my. Our first three knuckle cringer of the the night. She even had the sash and everything.
7:42 - I've lived in KY. And I'm sorry for whatever that was in the hat.
7:44 - Ok, they've been teasing the fact that an older lady would be a contestant. I wanted to really believe that they were going to do this. Like for real, real. Put her in the mix, see if she could last maybe a rose ceremony or two. Turns out she was just there to introduce her granddaughter. So bogus, ABC. So very bogus. QUIT BEING AGEIST!
7:50 - The walk by? Typical Winemaker. He gets big boy'd on his own show. Followed by an arm slug. Tip to women: if you want to seduce a guy, the arm slug never works. Ever. Unless you're naked. Then it'll probably work.
7:53 - She brought her horse.
8:08 - I'll shoot you straight, The Winemaker is going to have a tough time with this show. He just got the first impression rose on the first episode and he looked like he'd just seen the Ghost of Failed Proposals Past. He seems like a really nice guy. I can understand why women like him. But at the same time, he's going to get emotionally steamrolled. Expect bad decisions at every turn this year. Tangent over.
8:13 - The slugger now wants to kick the soccer ball around. Oy.
8:15 - The Epidemiologist is also a rapper. I had a friend of mine in college that loved to rap when he got drunk. He'd rap in your face and you'd just kind of nod for a while, but then you'd kind of wish it was all over with after like 4 bars. He'd go for literally, as long as you'd let him. Totally a miserable thing to do another person; rap in their face unprompted. Anyway, the point of the story is we all need to leave the rapping to Project Pat.
8:19 - Whoa. "You're in my life forever"? Monica is coming on real strong... to another woman. Monica seems to be the kind of women who says something like that and when she says it, she means it. Now, forever might be until she murders you after 3 weeks, but that's just semantics.
8:27 - "Share a tampon sometime"? From now on, I'm a freelance writer. Not a blogger. Never was a blogger. Never will be a blogger. Don't even know what that word means.
8:35 - Seabiscuit has an really intense stare. No joke. It's creeping me out.
8:43 - The Rose Ceremony commences. Surprises? Slugger got a rose. The Winemaker was probably scared of her. Miss Pacific Palisades kept the sash on all night, but still got a rose. Monica, the newly minted Lesbian got a rose...
8:47 - THE BLOGGER GOT A ROSE? The internet is doomed!
8:48 - Bacon was fried. Cow Balls were chopped. London called. And 7 other girls that got not much more than a whiff of airtime were dumped.