In the wake of all that, the on-field Cardinals have been buying some prime real estate in Beatdown City, and Mr. DeWitt has a pile of September tickets that need to be sold. Since no one wants to pay full price to see Kyle Lohse get knocked around the park every five days, the Cardinals decided to slip in a few more special event nights, in hopes that Sebek or Viva El Birdos or even some lesser hack blogs (cardinalpoopjokes.com, ankielnailedmeinthepaddyosbathroom.com, cardsdiaspora.com, etc.) talk about it on their websites and generate a little buzz.
Here are those promotions, with a little rundown of what to expect - straight from the Cardinals' PR Department.
Attention Whore Arm-Wrasslin' Showdown
All your mom's favorite Cardinal fans will be on hand to participate in an Arm-Wrestling tournament to decide who's the biggest attention-whoring fan St. Louis has to offer. Of course Sign Guy will be there, along with his arch-rival, Die Hard Cardinals Fan. The Cardinal Cowboy will parachute in from the top of the Arch. Father Time is working on a sandwich board right now and will be handing out flags and buttons. The "Stayin' Alive" lady from the Bleachers will be performing the National Anthem. And when he's not competing, local blogger Matt Sebek will be live-tweeting the event [sorry, cheap shot]. Come on out Wednesday September 15th as the guys in red who play on the large grass field take on some guys in blue...AND IT WILL BE BROADCAST ON ESPN!!!! THEY MIGHT PUT THE CAMERA ON YOUUUUUUU!!!
BROcial Media Night
Hey Brah - Is Jersey Shore your fuckin' life? Come join the Cardinals for BROcial Media Night, Saturday the fuckin' 18th against the fuckin' Padres. You'll receive an Affliction or Tap-Out shirt of your choice and take a tour of the Cardinals weight room facility, where you'll be able to work out and pose in the mirror while the game is going on. The Cards even have a fucking Red Bull machine, I'm being for real, brah. Celebrity guest Colby Rasmus will display his flat-brimmed hat collection at 8pm. He won't be playing, so feel free to head over to Hrabosky's together and get a head start on scouting for pussy. And you'll be in fucking perfect position to Ice Brendan Ryan when he walks in the door. It'll be a fuckin' blast Bro!
Dan McLaughlin Midnight Pub Crawl and Go-Kart Madness
(Nope, let me delete this paragraph. We don't need to be sued. -HMW)
Terrible Trade Proposal Seminar
Anybody can do what John Mozeliak does. It's really not that hard - you look up and see who was an All Star this year, or look at the Top 10 Prospects list from Baseball America, and you trade for them by begrudgingly parting with valuable trade chips like Jeff Suppan or Bryan Anderson. You know who's good and who sucks, so the most important lesson we'll teach you: how to go public. How to go as wide as you possibly can. Message boards, call-in shows, Social Media (holy shit, we're having a Social Media Night too! You should come). Until you have the balls to deal "some minor leaguer" (we still have Brian Barber, right?) for Hanley Ramirez, you're not ready for the big time, son. If you're good enough, Mr. Mozeliak will ask you to be his assistant, and you can quit your refrigerator repairman job for good. Come on out Monday the 27th as the Cards take on the Pirates. Heck, they'll probably want to deal Pedro Alvarez so they don't have to pay him for the last six days of the season. Mike MacDougal should get it done.
Dirty Euphemism Day
On Sunday, October 3rd, "come" see the Cardinals play a "Hard 9" against the Colorado Rockies. They feature stars like Carlos Gonzalez and Jason Giambi. If anyone epitomizes "playing for the other team," it's Jason Giambi. Be there in time to see Jon Jay "shagging" in the outfield during batting practice, and maybe by October, Brendan Ryan will have "found his stroke" and "jack one off" into the stands to give the fans a "happy ending."
God Bless America will be performed by the Incarnate Word Choir once again, so they're familiar with "Busch."