I fortunately haven’t had to actually WATCH any Cardinals games from the past week, but I swear seeing the scores and highlights have made me wish I didn’t know how to read. Can somebody please tell me what the hell is going on down there? Because I’m kind of freaking out up here! These are the days when I gratefully embrace the fact that I do not get local coverage and can happily ignore the burning inferno of suck that’s being fueled 300 miles down Interstate 55. Carry on, gentleman. Do what you will. I’ve got Top Chef Masters to catch up on.
In that spirit, I think it’s only appropriate to complain effusively about all that is annoying me.
Cincinnati - The Cards have lost 9 of their last 14. NINE! So now, the Reds have hopped a half game into first place and directly into my irrational subconscious. No offense, denizens of Cincinnati, but where in the hell did YOU come from? This wasn’t supposed to happen, was it? Now, I have to focus all of my energy on resenting these assholes, when up until two days ago, I wasn’t even aware Cincinnati was a real place. You know, it gets exhausting having to redirect my hatred every other damn day.
Chris Carpenter giving up home runs - I realize it’s unfair to pick on the starting rotation, as these guys are really the only reason the Cardinals have been remotely successful this year. However, it irritates me that Carp has already given up six long balls this season, including one in his last game against Houston. CHRIS CARPENTER DOES NOT DO THAT! This is the same guy who only gave up seven over the entire 2009 season. To put this in perspective, he’s given up the same number of home runs this year as Todd Wellemeyer. I just find that unsettling.
Vacuum cleaner cords - Has anyone in the history of electricity ever been able to successfully operate a vacuum cleaner without nearly destroying everything they own in the process? I swear, it’s like a poorly choreographed martial arts action sequence when I attempt to vacuum my condo. I almost amputated my own foot the other day after trying to make a hasty retreat with the cord twisted around my ankle. Could someone just please have the decency to invent a levitating vacuum cleaner cord? Good grief.
Carlos Zambrano’s poor baseball throwing - I have a confession to make. I went to the Pirates vs. Cubs game on Friday afternoon and watched Big Z swiftly eliminate any chance of a Cubs victory by teeing up a three run shot past the ivy in the 8th. Initially, I reacted the same way any other sane baseball fan would, by laughing hysterically and high fiving strangers as though someone had just given me an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii. However, it dawned on me over the coming days that this game was different, as I started to feel a way I’d never felt towards Zambrano before. I felt GUILTY. Yes, that jackass had finally gotten so bad that I actually felt sorry for him. I was so ashamed! After all, what is my life’s purpose if not for our imaginary feud? This didn’t last, of course, as the fact that he was able to manipulate me into sympathizing with him only incited white hot passionate fury, so now things are right back how they should be. Disaster averted!
Drivers who make wide right hand turns - Okay, I realize some streets simply aren’t girthy enough for the traffic trying to funnel through them. However, what is it with the idiots who practically cause head on collisions with oncoming traffic when making a right turn? You’re driving a Prius, not an eighteen wheeler. There’s really no need to be so dramatic.