Point/Counterpoint is a semi-regular feature on the CD where two former sex attics that are too old to get any booty argue about the most trivial and bane things in the universe.
Today’s topic? Twitter.
POINT (by athooks)
Those are the standards for invention since the inception of time. But here, today, I am ready to put Twitter into that rarefied air.
Like it or not Twitter is changing your life. Yes, even you Mr. Too Cool For School. It’s pervasive, it’s expounding and it’s fucking t-totally awesome. And you don’t have any argument once you read my next three points. I’m Steve Jobsing your ass, boy.
1) Twitter is full of hot chicks. (Many of them are bots, but it doesn’t mean it hurts less when they don’t follow you back. ) Lot’s of times these chicks are looking for one thing and one thing only on Twitter: hot steamy cock. Or real time updates on Kendra. Either/or. But you- YOU SIR have the opportunity to piece through that proverbial third wall and get yourself ingratiated into her world with a mere 140 characters. Keep it witty, keep it light. Then? Next stop… Baby-makingville.
2) Your boss thinks Twitter is important. And guess what genius, he’ll fire your ass in a HEARTBEAT if he thinks he can get a dime more out of that hellhole you’re slaving away on. Go ahead, keep ignoring his not-so-subtle suggestions that you start a feed. Please, I beg of you to say things like “who cares when I’m taking a dump, I don’t need to broadcast it to the world!”. OHHHHH, I’m begging you to make a crack about me living in my parent’s basement. Because when Jack has a Passover, there will be blood on YOUR door, padre. Good luck with avoiding death!
3) Twitter, unlike your dong, is useful. Everyone’s got fucking ADD these days. And that means journalists can’t wait 5 minutes for their post to publish on a regular site, so they leak the story beforehand on Twitter. Whatever you think is current news, is 10 hours old on Twitter. Come proper, son. Did you know that Bragelina have sacrificed a goat to make Malawi more fertile? Fuck and no you didn’t. Because your ass is still waiting for US Weekly to pay for that shit.
There’s literally a million more reasons to use Twitter. I just picked the weakest 3 so you’d have a shot in hell in winning this argument.
But now that I review this piece...
CHECKMATE < HOOKS!
COUNTERPOINT (by FWC)
I begin my counterpoint with an observation: My lonely opponent needed more than 140 characters to make his point; very telling.
Many attempt to define Twitter. I can in two simple words: Electronic Narcissism. Like a $20,000 watch, Twitter screams, “look at me, look at me” to anyone that will listen.
I can assure you, dear readers, anyone doing anything worthy of constant broadcast does not have time to write 140 or less witty characters about said activity. People who feel the need to broadcast the mundane details of their boring, self-centered lives need only one “status” update: “I have far too much time on my hands.”
Trying to validate Twitter by its popularity is akin to saying cancer is great because a lot of people have it. Millions of people smoke as well, Aaron Hooks. Would you argue that smoking is great based on popularity alone?
Yes, ADD is rampant in our society. People want crap, and they want it now. Twitter is not a solution; it is a catalyst. If your toaster is on fire, you don’t pour gasoline on it. Society needs to take a step back and think before speaking.
Like AOL, Geocites, MySpace, and every other internet fad that has come and gone in the past 15 years, Twitter will soon show itself for what it really is: another short-lived, useless distraction of the socially inept. It is my sincere hope that Twitter’s inevitable demise arrives sooner than later.