If you're a young baseball player reading this, or more importantly, a slow pitch softball masher - you know the art of hitting is the most important thing that men need to learn during their short time on earth.
Don't know how to start fire? They make lighters for that.
Don't know how to fix a sink? Hire someone from the Yellow Pages.
Need a shelf built? There's a Lowe's down the street, they'll do it (just tell them your broke your arm falling off a motorcycle so they don't give you shit).
But if you're having problems at the plate, you're pretty much a failure. Until now, thanks to Milt Thompson.
No, this isn't a nostalgic 1992 joke. Former Cardinal Milt Thompson (okay, he's the current Phillies hitting coach too) just released an instructional hitting DVD. This is the perfect crappy Cardinal-ish gift for your favorite little ballplayer who has no power, a funny batting stance, and enjoys telling stories about Pedro Guerrero snorting lines of coke off Tom Brunansky's wife during a September game against the Astros.
Even if you think $20 is pricey, keep in mind Milt Thompson is leading bums like Ryan Howard, Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins to World Series and NL titles left and right, so obviously he knows his stuff. Plus there's about 300 words of text on that DVD cover, so you know he means business.
And really - how can you turn down anything that features a Major Leaguer with a full uniform on, but no logos. Maybe Milt's still mad he was never included in any Post Cereal card sets.
Although if money was no issue, I'd recommend dropping your kid off at the Jack Cust Baseball Academy in New Jersey (and drop Hooks off to wingman The Situation while you're at it). I think the town was re-named Crush City, NJ, but I'm not one to check facts.
To view the seventh day of Crapmas, click here.