Let’s take a trip around the news:

Obama speaks in St. Louis. Then he ogles Tim McKernan’s girlfriend. Could we have Obama Willy in office? Why do politicians have such a hard time keeping their wangs tucked away? And what the fuck are these people that are so opposed to health care reform bitch about? Really, we’re good with the way things are now?

Pujols and Holliday are hurt.  Tremendous. Looks like the Cardinals are in mid-season form with their medical press releases: Pujols will be good Tuesday. No Wednesday. Wait, maybe this weekend. Ok, ok he’ll be good for the regular season. And on it goes. Holliday, ironically, hurt his stomach. The same one that got fat with 120 million dollars in the off-season. Hmmm.

Panera Bread is posting calories now. Here’s a hint, if you thought that going to the Bread Company was good for you… you’re an idiot. You’re not losing weight, YOU’RE GETTING FAT! Let’s all agree that unless something tastes like shit, literally shit, it’s not good for you. Damn you food.

The recession hasn’t gotten better… START KILLING HORSES. If we lived in NYC that would be the headline. We don’t, so we get a tepid “Slaughter of Horses Could Resume in MO.” Either way, horse is sooooo tasty, it’s got to be bad for you.

Ahhhh: We’re the new DETROIT?! Good God- LOOK AT THOSE LOSSES! Who is responsible for this mess? What are we going to do about it? Are the horse killers going after our jobs!

(At lease we're not... You know who.)

Didn't get a Cardinals Snuggie for Christmas or Valentine's Day?

Spending a lot of time on the couch?

Allergic to long-sleeved shirts?

Not concerned about looking ridiculous?

Well, unbook your plans for April 30th, so you can get the official 2010 Cardinals Sluggie giveaway (thanks AT&T...really).

If you saw the promotional calendar earlier this year and had any doubts about whether this would be the silliest giveaway of the year, behold - a photo has finally been uploaded onto the Cardinals website:

I'd much rather see Vince from the Sham-fuckin-Wow commercials, hawking those German-made wonders at the ballpark, but this will do. It's too bad Billy Mays hasn't had any new products out recently that could be a Cardinal giveaway? He must be too busy. (My watch says it's not "too soon." I still see him on commercials - kind of creepy, isn't it?)

A couple other teams are giving out Snuggie/Sluggie's this year, including the Giants, who had their Cy Young winner wear one for promotional purposes. Kind of eases the pain of Carpenter or Wainwright going home empty-handed.

Remember ‘Encino Man’? An improbable situation happens when a pre-historic caveman is frozen and then- poof- thousands of years later, he thaws out and meets Pauly Shore. Pretty much every single thing he encounters is a mind-blowing deal. (Side: Brendan Fraiser’s best work to date. Seriously. How many actors could have pulled off that role?) Shaving cream. Hot Pockets. Zubaz. Everything is AMAZING.

Granted, 5 days out of the country without cell phones or the internet isn’t comparable to 5000 years. And St. Louis would kill to be Encino California for 3 hours… but still, you’re way further out of the loop than you’re used to. And it’s disorientating.

Big Ben did what?

Boldin went where?

Kyle McClellan struck out how many?

The Rams signed… uh, nevermind.

It’s like every tid-bit of news is out of nowhere and you almost don’t know what to do with the information. Then things settle down. And the grind resumes.

As a public service to those getting ready to go to Mexico, here are 5 things you need to know:

1) US Airways is a terrible, terrible company. I have to admit; I fly Southwest pretty much everywhere I can. So I’m not used to missing EVERY SINGLE DEPARTURE or TAKEOFF TIME. 4 for 4. But they’re so good, they just re-book you on the next flight automatically. You thought you were taking off @ 7:30? HA! You’ll take off at 9. And LIKE IT. To be fair both departures were the first out the cities, so it’s understandable that they were delayed, right? Oh, it’s not? (PS: The 4 mintue US Air Credit Card spiel in flight is just disgusting. How much are you really getting for that? Enough to get you to sleep at night? Let’s hope.)

2) When you touch down in Cancun, be prepared for at least a 90 minute wait in customs. It’s brutal. In fact, after about 2 hours of standing in the worst line ever, I literally was having belly laughs watching all these happy people, so fired up about the 80 degree sunny weather outside coming down that one escalator and then seeing 2 thousand angry people in line, that I was getting dirty looks myself. From pure joy to pure pain in like 2 seconds.

3) The Diet Coke tastes better. Much, much better. I don’t know why. But it does.

4) This isn’t America and Mexicans don’t care about your lawsuits. This lady was getting a ride on a golf cart when the driver took a hard left, tossed her out of her cart and broke her shoulder. You know what their offer was? To pay for her taxi to the hospital. That’s it. They apparently threatened to sue before LITERALLY getting laughed at by hotel management. They encouraged them to try. (Bonus note, the doctor advised her to avoid surgery. Any drawbacks doc, she asked. “You won’t be able to lift your arm over 40 degrees ever again.” I think it could be worse for Obama.

5) Our poor and homeless are not that poor and not that homeless. Good God Mexico has some people that I doubt have ever had more than 10 dollars in possessions… their entire lives! I should take my camera out to the boys in Lucas Park for a pep talk and let them know it’s not THAT bad. Needless to say, there are no Larry Rice’s south of the border.

In related note, here are some pics of where I was staying. Life was tough.

I love you all.

As I was about to throw away my junk mail tonight, I noticed this Post-Dispatch Cardinal ticket deal. On one side is Colby Rasmus catching a fly ball. On the other side (shown below) is CF Skip Schumaker snagging a liner in the gap, with #26 (RF Kyle Lohse) racing over...

Wait, no...Lohse is a pitcher...

Oh, it's Scott Spiezio. He's back!

So not only was the Post's Marketing Department lazy enough to include a pic from 2007, with a player that didn't leave on the best of terms (or his head held high), they didn't even bother looking for a shot of Skip playing 2B. He only played there for 133 games last year, so the poor marketing department really had nothing to work with.

(It's still not my favorite Post-Dispatch Cardinal advertising blunder; this one will be hard to top)

Despite the 17-11 drubbing in yesterday's scrimmage vs the Mets, it was a happy day for Cardinal fans everywhere. It meant we are one step closer (31 days to be exact) from opening day in Cincy. And a grueling 4 months, 26 days away from me nerding out way too much when I get my Vince Coleman bobblehead. But most importantly, it means we're just beginning that long journey of watching the Cardinals wreck the National League and hopefully make some noise in the playoffs ("thud"s don't count).

Win after win, boring soundbite after boring soundbite, the Cardinals are easily the favorite to win the Central. But we all know games aren't played on paper (they are played inside our televisions), and there are a few scenarios where the Cardinals are stuck playing golf in October, instead of dropping fly balls and walking six guys, only to have Mark Fucking Loretta of all people, ruin any chance of making a run to the World Series ... uh, instead of ...

Read Hooks' InsideSTL article here

Other Cardinals notes: if you haven't received any of the 104 emails, single game seats go on sale today at 10am. And if you missed yesterday's televised game, here is a the broadcast schedule for the rest of the spring.

I've got links aplenty today, let's get to it:

It was a banner day for Fake Mike Shannon yesterday - follow him on Twitter right now, or just go there every once in a while to take in his wisdom.  LINK HERE

The RFT profiles 13 St. Louis bloggers this week, and none of them - NONE - are me or Hooks. Worst list ever.  LINK HERE (begrudgingly)

(Though to be fair, I enjoy Punching Kitty and JoeSportsFan, oh and apparently The Beautiful Kind now, which isn't the safest for work)

Fellow Draft Dorks: The 2010 Cardinals Draft Preview.  LINK HERE

Neighbor Circus: this site pretty much captures People of Wal-Mart once they get back home.  LINK HERE

DEVO Color Study. I'm red, but not sure what it means, other than I'm an evil bastard (or a die-hard, Winter-Warm-Up-attending, card-carrying member of Cardinal Nation!).  LINK HERE

If you missed your shot at Mardi Gras, here's an idea, or 13, for the St. Paddy's Day parade.  LINK HERE

The title is "When Chat Roulette Gets Awkward," but I think that starts when you type "www.cha" into your browser (I do like the video underneath too).  LINK HERE

The 50 Most Badass Sports Celebrations (best part: it's not hosted by Chris Rose, John Salley, or Rob Dibble).  LINK HERE

I was supposed to have some kind of contest for you guys this weekend, but the creative juices aren't flowing on a Friday morning. We'll try to have something going for you Monday, whether Hooks abandons us and stays in Mexico, or not.

11:15am update: as noted in the comments, it looks like today's game will not be on tv or radio. Here's a gameday link to follow pitch-by-pitch at least.

Baseball. TV.

Cardinals. 12:10.

Today!

Holy ass shit, baseball is really here. I'm pretty sure you knew that already, seeing how you're all baseball and/or Cardinal fans. I know many of you come here for the unparalleled humor and sex appeal that Hooks and I have to offer (too bad we paid all that money for a Cards Diaspora market research study to confirm that), but once in a while you want some useful baseball information.

I was considering doing a live blog, but let's face it - during spring training games (and regular season games against most of the NL Central) the announcers have nothing to talk about after the third inning. I'm pretty sure most of my live blog posts past 1pm would be about the links I tried to open at work but led to blocked sites.

So instead of me doing all the labor, here is a handy guide of links to keep you in touch with today's game if you are unable to watch on MLB Network:

(Updates all day! More as live gamecasts/boxscores hit the internet)

MLB.tv

Live Box Score or Gameday (mlb.com)

1pm update: Watch the game online here

Lineup/batting order:

Schumaker 2B, Lugo SS, Stavinoha DH, Ludwick RF, Rasmus CF, Freese 3B, Mather 1B, Jay LF, LaRue C, with Evan MacLane on the mound.

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Cardinal Twitterers:

Derrick Goold (Post-Dispatch) - he's doing the same live blog I would have done, but with less cursing and Megan Fox pictures. (link working now, again)

Joe Strauss (Post-Dispatch)

John Marecek (550 KTRS) - also, lots of good updates from him on the KTRS blog; could use some drunk rambling from Hadley.

B.J. Rains (Globe-Democrat)

Fake Mike Shannon - a definite click, he's had some great updates today

Matthew Leach (stlcardinals.com) - who brings you Taco In A Helmet (genius idea, but there better be a lot of beef under that lettuce)

Jeff Luhnow (VP Amateur Scouting/Development)

Will Leitch (Deadspin, NY Mag, fellow Cardinal dork)

Brian Feldman (101 ESPN)

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Or hear it from the Mets' side on Twitter:

NY Miracle Mets

Mets Grrl

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Message Boards:

Cards Talk (enter at your own risk)

InsideSTL McKernan's Corner (tell them you know Hooks, they'll love you)

Viva El Birdos Game Thread

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Or if you're dying to buy regular season tickets today, there is a presale going on...

Anything else? Post them in the comments below.

In an effort to do something about the miserable cold that has run rampant over the Midwest these past 2 months, I will be traversing to Mexico the next four days to investigate why the sun, liquor and knockout women are all hanging out in Playa Del Carmen.

I don’t expect many thanks in return for my tireless humanitarian work, but if you’d like to make a donation to the Human Fund in my name, that’s on you.

In the meantime:

• Read new Bleacher Report- 7 Boldest Predictions for the Cardinals Season You’ve Ever Seen
• Follow my Twitter- Link Here (I’ll be updating on my expedition)
• Check in on- Inside STL Friday. I’ll have a column on the ways the Cards can LOSE the NL Central in 2010
• And stick with the CD- HMW has agreed to post the rest of the week in my absence. And he’ll have the Friday Links… and possibly even a pretty sweet give-a-way.

Thanks for the support.

Adios, hombres.

Cards Diaspora gets links from all sorts of people all the time. We've also been known to troll the internets for odd shit as well. Most of the time I try to save them for a big Friday link dump that you can watch at some point over the weekend.

The sometimes you get something so awesome, you have to just suck it up and post it ASAP.

This is one of those links.

The new music video for OK Go's song "This Too Shall Pass" is SICK. Perhaps I'm a big sucker for rube goldberg's, but still, you've got to appreciate this video regardless.

And yes, it's real. HT Farhad Manjoo.

The Top 10 Things Bothering Cards Diaspora Today

10) The Olympic condom shortage: 14 condoms per athlete weren’t really enough? I bet some of the participating athletes hadn’t even heard of a condom before they left their home country. I bet the Bulgarians were making balloon animals or something and the international AIDS organization had to waste about 500K to get a bunch of rubbers to Vancouver so Olaf could finish his bike spokes.

9) CNN: Put on a suit Cooper. Just because you’re in Haiti or Sengal or Batswana looking for blood diamonds doesn’t mean I don’t want my evening news in a Tasso Elba tie. You smug son of a bitch.

8) Turkey Dogs: Gobble, gobble motherfuckers. Get your waddles out of my tube meat and stick to the Thanksgiving table. You have no place in a baseball stadium or a grocer’s shelf. Your assholes are no healthier than a pigs and they are far less tasty. I hate you.

7) Four Square: You don’t go anywhere cool. We don’t care to know for sure.

6) Buzz Aldrin: You walked on the motherfucking moon Buzz. The moon. And now you’re dancing for a miniature disco ball? Could somebody please start a PayPal account to keep American icons from having to whore themselves out to reality TV for some pension money? Could NASA not kick back a few bucks for an old buddy? The Russians won in the long run, eh?

5) Seinfeld: You’re better than that. We saw you on Curb last season. You’re still funny. Do better, Jerry. Do better.

4) Winter: Haven’t you embarrassed Al Gore enough. Leave us the hell out of it and give us one day over 50 degrees. ONE DAY!

3) Tiger Woods jokes: He slept with a ton of women that weren’t his wife. Guess what- that’s what athletes do. They bang chicks as they please. The worst hockey player on the worst NHL team? He’s gotten more BJ’s than Jake after proposing to Vienna.

2) The Horny Toad: How can this Lake of the Ozarks landmark NOT have a Bachelor viewing party in case Vienna won? They missed the boat on this one.

1) The CD: This site has been awful lately. Just abysmal. Sorry*.

*Not really.

Oh, Jerry. You were the co-creator of what may be the best :30 minute comedy of all-time. Your mysterious absence from anything but stand-up only heightened our expectations of what was coming next. Bee Movie? Ok, everyone deserves a mulligan. Marriage Ref? Hmmm. Larry David’s legacy thanks you, sir…

Brilliant signing this weekend to get Felipe Lopez for 1.2M plus another 1M of easily achieved incentives. I was under the impression he was like 35 (which he might be), but he’s listed @ 29. He’s boys with Albert. He can play every position on the field. And he’s the perfect utility guy that TLR can get into the starting line-up 120 times a year. Barring injury, I think this one might give Johnny Mo his first MLB Executive of the Year award…

The Yanks probably shouldn’t have been in that Gold Medal game yesterday to close out the Vancouver Olympics. But that doesn’t make Sidney Crosby’s face any less punchable. Not related to the game in anyway, but did you know that there is an actual debate in Pittsburgh centering on the thesis that Crosby would be a better captain for the Penguins if he moved out of Mario Lemieux’s house. No, seriously…

Blake Hawksworth, the Cardinals reliever, had a grandpa that was pretty much responsible (his words) for bringing the Olympics to Vancouver. He details the process in his blog over at the Globe-Democrat…

Movie Snot: The Informant!  A movie about price fixing on ag commodities in international markets. There are 0 titty shots. And that shouldn’t surprise you. Though about 40 minutes of this, I was thoroughly convinced that any critics that thought this was a good movie were on crack. The back half when things start to get untangled, though, is much better. I am confused as to why the Matt Damon character can come out of jail and immediately get a job as another CEO. He must have been shrewder than he was portrayed. Also, the early 90’s were a rough time for clothes…

I used a $25 gift card at Kohl’s Online for a high-powered nose hair trimmer. I feel like I’m getting too much air now. Very odd sensation…

First Spring Training game is Thursday for the Cardinals. Via Jason Stark (ESPN), yesterday was the last Sunday a baseball game will not be played until November 7…

Maybe someone can enlighten me, but I thought South Korea was a warm weather locale? How in the hell do they have enough athletes to win 14 medals at an Olympics? That’s 3 more than China. Or 13 more than England! I’m pretty sure whatever training camp they have there is not something you or I could survive for more than 3 hours…

If you have 7 minutes to burn, check out the worst sportscast you’ve ever seen. How dude manages to keep his composure the entire time is beyond me. You’d think he’d have to laugh at some point…